godessalthena
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2015 6 December :: 12.29am
a very dear friend's best friend committed herself to the great below today..
she's taking it in stride (I think?) but my heart hurts for what she must be feeling inside. that girls life is seriously a shit storm and yet still manages to stay positive and avoid cynicism. I admire her greatly. I wish she didn't live so far away.
it's so mysterious.. the land of tears.
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godessalthena
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2015 5 December :: 7.31am
I forgot how beautiful the sunrise is..
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godessalthena
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2015 3 December :: 9.48pm
I spend my free time reading the craigslist missed connections. I do it with my demon. he sits next to me and tells me, "you'll be alone forever, no one will ever want such a damaged and cynical fat bitch like you." and as the romantic comedy plays in the background I can hear him laugh at the absurdity.
"love doesn't exist. not for people like you." it's hard to ignore him. it's hard to stay positive and optimistic, when all around me relationships crash and burn. you never really know who you can trust. humans lie, cheat, steal and back stab. we kill each other and hate each other arbitrarily, we hate whole groups of people for imaginary bullshit reasons.
there have been more mass shootings so far this year than days in this country. my aunts both have cancer. I have no future.
i miss sex. I miss enjoying food. I miss sleep.
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godessalthena
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2015 3 December :: 9.27pm
If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find.
- John Churton Collins
That though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.
- William Wordsworth
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.
- Robert Louis Stevenson
in what lies our power to do, also lies our power not to do
- Aristotle
We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
- Orson Welles
rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof
It takes a lot of time to be a genius, you have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing.
- Gertrude Stein
Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it's the only one you have.
- Emile Chartier
We open our mouths and out flow words whose ancestries we do not even know. We are walking lexicons. In a single sentence of idle chatter we preserve Latin, Anglo-Saxon, Norse: we carry a museum inside our heads, each day we commemorate peoples of whom we have never heard.
- Penelope Lively
We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say "It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem." Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.
- Fred Rogers
believe nothing that you hear, and only half of what you see
those who see present events as part of an unfolding narrative that relates past to present to future have an advantage over those who see events only as snapshots in time
- Derek Abell
No two persons ever read the same book.
- Edmund Wilson
Neither genius, fame, nor love show the greatness of the soul. Only kindness can do that.
- Jean Baptiste Henri Lacordaire
How simple life becomes when things like mirrors are forgotten.
- Daphne du Maurier,
In the presence of eternity, the mountains are as transient as the clouds.
- Robert Green Ingersoll
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
- Ogden Nash
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godessalthena
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2015 2 December :: 4.26pm
nothing tastes good and my tummy always feels like shit.
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godessalthena
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2015 23 November :: 11.41am
day number 6 with out power.
it's supposed to snow tonight.
thanksgiving had been cancelled.
I just want to enjoy sleeping in my bed again.
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godessalthena
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2015 12 November :: 7.02pm
to build a fire
by jack London
read it
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godessalthena
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2015 11 November :: 2.17pm
dear sex,
I love you, but you have gotten me nowhere and given me nothing.
that being said, I am swearing off of you until i meet someone who wants more than my mouth around their gentialia.
sincerely,
FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT
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godessalthena
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2015 4 November :: 5.59pm
some days are really fucking black. the darkest of skies, the loudest screams in the wind. i can't escape from the sounds, a cacophony of insanity wraps itself deep into my inner ear. the birds have all left for winter, and soon the only sound will be of my feet on the ice and snow.
i found a dead bird at work a few weeks ago. it flew into the window. it couldn't decipher reflections from reality, and so it died. it was a little sparrow. not sure what kind, it's head was completely obliterated. i wanted to pick it up and bury it, but being at work and making a real effort to tune down my creepiness, i left him to nature's devices. the next day he was gone. I don't usually go out to that area, it was completely by chance that i should find him.
that sparrow caused memories to resurface. i was taken back to Seattle, where after some massive rain, i found a dead mouse outside of my dorm (which, incidentally, has been demolished and replaced with a newer facility. curse be on that infernal hell hole.), who i watched decay over a few weeks. we never had a ceremony like we talked about..
and then i think about all the years to come. all those days and nights, the heat and the rain, the pain and the joy... and it seems like such an eternity. people always say don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. what if the problem isn't temporary, though? my life has been a series of painful attacks on my person, some involuntary, some voluntary, and always, i have "overcome" them. but now i only feel an emptiness. i see everything through a cynical lens. the past seems so surreal. i don't even recognize myself.
but who is amelia anyway. who the fuck is she? she has done so many terrible, unspeakable things. she's done many wonderful things. but she's never right and she's never happy. all the cookie cutter people in her life create doubt in herself - they have never really known what its like to be victimized. they brush off my past as though it didn't happen, and all that matters for me is today. i can't do that. if my life was vanilla, okay, sure, i could just forget it, because there'd be nothing to remember. but i've lived more than the 27 years i am, and my experiences have colored the world in a dark light. the glass is stained from the soot of my burning psyche.
but some days are really good, and if i can distract myself enough, i can forget about the storms for a moment. i smoke a ridiculous amount of weed now. i feel a little terrible about it, maybe enough to quit it for a month.. after the holidays.. because i don't know how well i could handle them without it.
i think i am going to post some ads on craigslist looking for anyone who knows andrew. i need to know where he went. i need to know what kind of person he really was. i don't think i knew the andrew everyone else did. i am still stuck on him. almost a year later. i just need some closure.
i want to have the last word almost always. but this time, i need it. i need something. i am hoping maybe that will help me resolve some of these negative emotions, healing my ability to have a relationship someday.
i hate having such deep trust issues.
anyway. me and j got our nipples pierced together. samie was there, her boyfriend did the piercing. it was pretty radtastic and i think i am still riding that high. also: permanent high beams has been my dream since middle school.
DREAM ACHIEVED.
that's one mark on the "win" column.
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godessalthena
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2015 29 October :: 6.20am
who the fuck am I
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godessalthena
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2015 22 October :: 9.05am
dead men are the only ones to keep secrets.
not saying I'm starting my war path (just yet), but this is a critical moment in my life.
I have reached a precipice, I must decide to jump or stand my ground.
and I'm afraid of which one I might choose.
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godessalthena
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2015 19 October :: 9.49pm
I am color blind
coffee black and egg white
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godessalthena
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2015 16 October :: 6.49am
Digging my way out of debt feels good. So does having money in my savings account.
Now if only I could fucking sleep.
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godessalthena
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2015 15 October :: 11.51pm
being in any type of committed relationship scares the absolute shit out of me
but I want to feel loved and wanted with every fiber of my being
I don't know if I can over come these feelings
I feel so powerless
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godessalthena
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2015 13 October :: 12.42pm
I'm well acquainted with villains who live in my head
they beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead
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godessalthena
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2015 11 October :: 12.59pm
and they say
You can't wake up, this is not a dream,
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being,
With your face all made up, living on a screen,
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline.
I think there's a flaw in my code...
these voices won't leave me alone....
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godessalthena
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2015 4 October :: 1.20pm
:: Mood: malaise
mental illness is constantly evolving and adapting to circumvent the measures one takes to conquer it.
instead of feeling eternal pain and misery, I feel hollow, aimless, restless. I feel bored, impatient, confused.
I don't know what I want or what I need. I don't know what to do. I have completed a major chapter in life, looking bewildered into the future, feeling utterly overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.
I keep waiting to get sick. I feel like I've had the "day before the flu" feeling for two or more weeks, but nothing ever gets worse. I'm just waiting for something to fall.
it's dark in here by myself
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godessalthena
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2015 22 September :: 5.34pm
was he even real?
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godessalthena
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2015 21 September :: 8.41pm
"but you're special"
I am a unique snowflake
in the middle of a blizzard in Antarctica
but what happens after global warming
we will all melt away
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godessalthena
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2015 15 September :: 11.55am
how can you keep trusting when all you ever do is get hurt
how can you keep believing when love is so obviously dead
how can you keep breathing knowing that love and trust don't exist
how does the world keep spinning when nothing matters?
grasping for any straw you can see, hoping you'll find the one that doesn't break off
and ultimately realizing that straws will always break, and there's nothing to save you
falling into the dark abyss but knowing the only difference is the blindfold of innocence has been removed
it's too dark to see the others who are falling too so you lean back and wait for the bottom to raise to great you
if the heartbreak of slipping doesn't kill you, the impact at the end will finish the job
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godessalthena
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2015 14 September :: 11.45am
completing projects feels really good.
finally finished the baby blanket I've been working non. it looks so good, the biggest project I've done!
tie dyed the sheets I've been sitting on. was waiting for company but just decided "fuck it" and did it. they turned out really fantastic.
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godessalthena
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2015 10 September :: 6.14am
this week has been really rough.
treasured friend has malignant brain tumor
Dali died
horrible slander about me thru the grapevine
a dead bird at work
it was nice sleeping all last weekend, forgetting about how fucked up things are, how shitty and petty people are, how shitty I've been.
I am swallowed up by the current. my head is a meter under water.
if I could just be held, and told it was alright, maybe I could breathe for just one moment.
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godessalthena
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2015 9 September :: 9.13pm
happiness is fakin' it til you make it.
maybe you'll never make it, but at least people will remember you as happy when you're rotting in the cold wet earth.
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godessalthena
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2015 8 September :: 12.09pm
you can't kill what's already dead, so leave my soul alone.
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godessalthena
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2015 7 September :: 1.35pm
most days I wake up and I wonder... what the fuck am I still doing here?
and I still don't know.
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godessalthena
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2015 4 September :: 6.44am
I just don't want to feel invisible anymore.
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godessalthena
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2015 3 September :: 7.41am
Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying
And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
You'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...
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godessalthena
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2015 1 September :: 8.35pm
I am not sure who I want to be right now.
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godessalthena
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2015 29 August :: 3.27pm
I cleaned the shit out of that apartment. I better get my deposit back. that place was a dump when I moved in!
but damn I sure am going to miss it. it was my little slice of heaven. I'm eager for my home. I'm going to make a list of things I really want it to have.. like a good view.
I am so exhausted but pretty content. seeing the doctor Thursday to see about my insomnia. I'm dying. and I have been having it since I started cymbalta.. say 5 years ago? I just need to sleep.
it rained today. it filled me with delight. everything is so thirsty.
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godessalthena
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2015 26 August :: 11.47am
:: Mood: ecstatic
the man from the shopping spree finally responded to my missed connection!!! and the adventure begins!
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