godessalthena
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2021 26 June :: 4.21pm
when your ex's oldest brother passed away before he's 35.... what do you even say?
my heart is broken.. fucking what the fuck
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godessalthena
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2021 12 June :: 1.42am
I hate when a bunch of drunk assholes show up at 1am and start shouting in my home while I'm trying to sleep.
no I don't want to come out there and talk to drunk people who won't remember the convo tomorrow.
I went to bed TO FUCKING SLEEP
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godessalthena
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2021 4 June :: 6.43am
"When it feels scary to jump, that's exactly when you jump. Otherwise you end up staying the same place your whole life. And that I can't do."
- j c chandor
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godessalthena
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2021 21 May :: 8.47am
I hate that feeling of being needed, but taken for granted.
like y'all don't really need me despite how much I do for you.
and I'm left holding that short straw in our life dingy, the next to give my body for nourishment. and unlike the plane crash in the Andes, there is no gratitude. just more fucking trash.
I'm sinking to the bottom, and as I look up to the fading light, I can see the last starlight I'll ever see, into the crushing depths. to feed the bottom dwellers or maybe just feed some scavengers.
and just never be found or thought of again.
I am dead inside
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godessalthena
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2021 20 May :: 7.22am
"you just seemed so honest, but sexy"
is honesty not normally a sexy trait...? oh craigslist you confuse the heck out of me haha
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godessalthena
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2021 11 May :: 8.28am
this extreme tiredness doesn't seem to want to leave
but I'm so damn tired
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godessalthena
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2021 6 May :: 9.35am
everyone I love seems to be drowning in alcohol
and they are too drunk to admit they need to change anything
and literally every serious topic is a joke
please just stop lying to me...
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godessalthena
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2021 17 April :: 9.46pm
had a really good birthday, just feeling pretty good about life when not looking at the parts I don't like.
it's going to be hard going back to work on Monday...
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godessalthena
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2021 3 April :: 10.44am
when you realize you've become a shallow dish of the great lake you once we're
drying up like a river in california
molecule by molecule you've been dissapating into thin air
and everyone can see straight through you and none of them like what they see
vacuous space where a heart used to be, cold fingers, clammy hands, glass eyes and plastic beads for stuffing
you become one with the icy artic winds blowing over this fucked up landscape. a numbess enters you, fixing to your very core. labored breathing and far away eyes, trying to capture the warmth from you nostalgia.
just another deep emptiness of a human. wasting polluted air, generating more filth and trash. a creature so utterly lost from their home, trapped in artificial mazes of their own creation. dizzying and pointless, their minds grasping at foolish ideas of gods and cosmic flow.
when we all truly know what we come from and what we return to... endless quiet nothing. no sun, no water, no breeze or bushy trees bowing in the wind. just the end. the nothing. the nowhere. the deepest sleep.
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godessalthena
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2021 30 March :: 6.56am
so excited for birthday plans I could explode!
visit em in seattle
go to the actual ocean
staying in a fancy condo
sushi with the bestie
a whole week and change off work
oh I forgot... and getting some ink done
and the dogs are getting groomed
ahhh cannot wait
ugh so so ready for a break
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godessalthena
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2021 23 March :: 9.02am
sometimes I worry I'm broken
cuz I can't cry anymore
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godessalthena
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2021 25 February :: 6.32am
next month is unofficially 11 years with my employer.
11 years of misery, but I'm still here.
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godessalthena
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2021 21 February :: 12.19pm
I'm just so BORED
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godessalthena
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2021 9 February :: 7.48am
I hate when shows are cancelled with no resolution
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godessalthena
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2021 1 February :: 8.13am
:: Mood: crushed
had to quit d&d because someone was being paranoid that I was trying to get him killed and fucking tried at me for how I play the game.
if it was the first time is be like whatever, even if it was the 3rd time, but this shit has been going on at least a year and I'm fucking over it.
I'm not really used to people hating me like that for no reason. I'm not great at the game, the rules are convoluted and boring, I just wanted to role play. but I couldn't even do that without someone always talking over me.
just like in my real life. I'm so fucking boring people can't even wait until I'm done talking before they start their own story.
I'm so boring even my bf constantly ditches me.
I'm literally the most boring doormat. you just want me money and my effort, you don't want ME.
it feels like no one wants me.
rejected toy painted with lead paint
repugnant petulant
MUNDANE, MOROSE, TEDIOUS, DULL, DISAPPOINTING, CHUCKLEHEAD dumb ass bitch.
I hate every day.
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godessalthena
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2021 29 January :: 11.47pm
had to quit d&d
I'm bummed
but I'm done wasting my precious time off dealing with that asshat.
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godessalthena
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2021 27 January :: 8.25am
in my freshman year in college I had a lot of feminine issues and saw SEVERAL doctors
but the one I remember the most was the one that handed me a mirror and let me watch the exam and told me what I was looking at.
that woman made a fundamental difference to my life, and I wish I could thank her. I hope she's alive and well and doing well.
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godessalthena
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2021 22 January :: 1.19pm
I'm starting to feel like there are only like 5 people who would call me a friend.
the rest are just people I interact with occasionally, for 5 years, we can't be friends.
I just can't fucking make friends.
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godessalthena
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2021 19 January :: 8.31am
:: Music: smashmouth Lord help me
smashmouth and cake always remind me of better times. I've been looking back more and more at my experiences, and I feel myself slipping away into a lethal kind of nostalgia.
I miss the friends I used to have.
I miss giving a strong impression of a sense of self.
I miss having fun.
All I really want are more people I can laugh until I cry with.
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godessalthena
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2021 13 January :: 3.16pm
what ever happened to ska?
remember the mickey avalon concert where we met?
and that birthday party. all those birthday parties.
I miss you friend, I wonder where you disappeared to, why you ghosted me, and if you're still doing alright.
I hope things are good for you. you deserve the best
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godessalthena
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2021 12 January :: 6.10am
regret is a deep rabid river, constantly trying to pull you under
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godessalthena
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2021 2 January :: 11.50pm
is it just me or deep at it's core metal is really fucking dorky? have you actually ever listened to the lyrics
the guitar licks may be sick, but those words knock it out if me
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godessalthena
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2020 8 December :: 2.05pm
on a more positive note I made home made gnocchi with leftover KFC potatoes and they turned out really tasty!
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godessalthena
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2020 8 December :: 8.07am
:: Music: good girls (don't get used)
maybe it's time for a real update...
4 months until our lease is over. then he wants to leave Spokane. I never thought I'd want to stay here so much.
but I'm so conflicted because living somewhere else could be really fun and whatever.. but I don't make friends, and if I move away I'm basically isolating myself...
it's just so hard when I feel like you hate me every single day. half the time I talk to you, you're just an ass. I know you're going through some really hard things, and life seems pointless, and everyone is your enemy. but I'm not. im on your team. just be fucking nice to me.
but all this negativity has me thinking that maybe somehow I deserve what I get. I deserve to consistently have a broken heart. consistently forgotten and pushes aside for others. not invited, not talked to, just leav me alone. I'm tired of the game and all I want to do is bury myself under a blanket of dirt and soft moss, with a pillow of flowers and pine needles. leave me there and forget my existence some how touched you.
I feel a dark heavy hole where my heart used to be. I feel a lingering pain where a soul supposedly existed. an absence mind where intelligence and creativity once sat.
I'm drowning in bad feelings I'm filled with intrusive thoughts the voice in my head is never sweet or kind to me I miss my family so. fucking. much.
I just miss everyone. I miss everything. I wish everything didn't get so fucked up. I wish I knew how I felt and I wish I could say it out loud. I am invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and a waste. I'm aa bank account. I'm just a good credit score and too generous.i have trouble making boundaries and even more terrible maintaining them.
the only thing keeping me is knowing how sad everyone would be if I killed myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
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godessalthena
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2020 7 December :: 6.40pm
I know I say this a lot.
but fuck do I hate being alive.
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godessalthena
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2020 26 November :: 6.45pm
I hate every single second I'm alive
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godessalthena
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2020 26 November :: 12.44pm
these feelings are inescapable
like a black straight jacket suffocating me
I'm so so miserable no matter my circumstances
and that isn't fair to anyone
except me because I deserve to feel this way
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godessalthena
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2020 17 November :: 9.16pm
remember when we saw secret window with Johnny depp and painted pottery for your birthday? that was a good day.
I miss those days.
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godessalthena
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2020 17 November :: 10.22am
holidays are cancelled this year. I miss my family.
been practicing making pretzels. they taste really good, they are light and fluffy, I just always feel like they are too soft. I am so scared of over kneading because I tried making tortellini from scratch before and they were so tough I thought they would break my teeth.
I'll knead it longer next time. I wish my oven was bigger.
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godessalthena
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2020 19 October :: 10.00am
my life is a shitty mess
but at least I'm not a heroin addict I guess
:(
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