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2004 27 May :: 1.29 am
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: songs by Three Days Grace
5:1-2
The electricity at Puppy's house was out randomly today, so he called me on his cell phone since he was obviously unable to turn on his computer to sign on and IM me as usual. The conversation started out pretty well -- his summer math course is going pretty easily, he was able to go to a nearby park and ride his bike, the weather is nice, it's only a month until he gets to visit me....
Somewhere along the way, he went into one of his silent moods. And I acknowledge that he has every right to be in whatever mood he happens to be in, but I get antsy when he gets really quiet. ^-^¿ Sometimes it's indicative of a bad mood, and I'm not fluent in distinguishing between benign silence and malignant silence yet. But what bothers me more, I guess, is that he called me. Wouldn't that mean he wanted to talk to me? Why was he so...silent, then? I know there's the possibility that he ran out of things to talk about, but wouldn't he say that if he did? Oh well. I put my mood as "irritated," but I suppose I'm more of "confused."
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2004 18 April :: 12.30 pm
:: Mood: loved
4:1-4
April has approached quickly. I haven't updated my dearly beloved journal in quite some time. Ehehe. ^-^¿
I should update myself, then. Sometime in late January or early February (I have forgotten which), Puppy and I officially started dating. I'm very, very happy. ^-^ Things are a little awkward, though. Neither he nor I have ever had a purely internet relationship before, yet we find ourselves in one now. He has visited me twice and will visit me again during the summer to meet my family, which should prove to be rather interesting.
He tells me that his family always reacts very positively whenever he mentions things about me, so I'm confident that there will be no family disputes to worry about. If we have the time, I want to go up to Virginia to visit him and his family during the summer as well. I hope everything will work out!
In other and less interesting news, I signed up for classes for the Fall semester. I didn't get the Physics of Music class that I wanted, which sucks because I need to work on my Natural Science credits. Once Drop/Add starts I'll see if I can add Ethics, which will knock out a Humanities credit for me. In addition to that, I'll have Spanish 301, Judaism, Intro Sociology, and Violin. I'm just looking forward to Violin. I love playing. ^-^
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2004 5 January :: 11.59 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
3:1-3
On December 29, 2003, I broke up with my boyfriend of slightly over four years. Why? Because of something he said to me. We'll call him Gamer. One night while IMing Gamer, I ran out of things to talk about. So I resorted to my question of desperation: "what're ya thinking about?" Gamer's answer was that he wouldn't answer that question, because he felt that I was trying to manipulate him with however he'd answer -- that I was like the government tapping phone lines, looking for something specific in order to control him.
I don't need to put up with that kind of insult, especially after four years. Besides, it made me realize that he and I really wanted different things. He wanted a career and monetary success. And while I find those things nice and slightly beneficial, I would much rather pursue a loving and caring (and trusting) mate and perhaps have a child. That's what I want. Gamer did not want those things. Even if he had not insulted me, the relationship could not have been permanent.
But all of this made me realize.... I think that I've been falling in love with Puppy for a while now. And I know that he has been in love with me for quite some time, though not acting on it because he knew I was in a relationship with Gamer.
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2003 3 December :: 12.16 am
:: Music: Josh Groban - "You Raise Me Up"
2: 2-3
Or maybe he's not mad at me. I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that whenever I think Puppy is mad at me, he's usually just mad at himself. It gives me relief, because that means I'm not the one provoking his ire to such an extent, but it worries me because he has no reason to be mad at himself.
He's always been there for me. He's always been a good best friend. He has! He'd never believe me when I say that, but it's true. He has. And that's why I worry that he's mad at himself. I just...don't know what to do. I keep trying what I always do, that is to show him that I love and care for him as a best friend, but it just...never works. Did it ever work? I have a difficult time answering that. I want to be optimistic and say "yes". But there's a fair bit of pessimism in my mind that argues "no".
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2003 2 December :: 9.55 pm
2: 1
Puppy is being an ass again. He won't even tell me why this time. *sigh* Maybe it's my fault. I think he's mad at me for putting too much thought into his Christmas gift. Bah.
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2003 2 December :: 1.15 am
1: 1-2
I understand now why my friends act strangely whenever I'm overly stressed. Puppy (name changed to protect the innocent) was having schedule screw-ups and test fuck-ups and homework pains up the wazoo this evening, and I felt like if I didn't back down, the stress he was feeling would somehow impress itself into my mind and start affecting me, like a computer virus gone biological.
Not to say that I blame him for this feeling. I'd've been worried if he hadn't felt stressed. But at the same time, my humanistic nature compels me to at least try to help him feel better. And maybe my reasoning is faulty, but the only way I feel I can do that is to reassure him that his best friend (yours truly) loves him and cares for him, no matter how moody he gets. Does it work? No. Yet I can't think of anything better. ^-^¿
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2003 19 November :: 5.48 pm
:: Mood: indescribable
Genesis
Sometimes you just need to rant.
So it sucks when you're too lazy to type.
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