You would kill for this, Just a little bit, You would...

You would kill for this, Just a little bit, You would...

spud	:: 2006 3 October :: 12.37am :: Mood: exasperated :: Music: thunder you should buy my car. burning hair is pretty much the worst smell ever. and somehow, i think it smells worse when it's your own. son of a bitch. 4 Open Fire \| [x]

rayray

:: 2006 30 September :: 12.08pm

Things suck.
I hate life.
I cry all the time.
I work all the time.
I got a tattoo.
My life sucks.
And I feel sick all the time.

Anyone want to trade me?

7 Open Fire | [x]

spud

:: 2006 20 September :: 10.36pm

should i feel guilty for being pissed? i don't think so. i want to eat. i want to go home. i want to not have to do this shit.

hell, i daresay i'd even rather having to buy books.

son of a bitch, man.

she didn't really need to print off 150 copies of the habitat for humanity thing did she? i had to print of MY things. aren't I more important than her? and i can't get the marihuana one to work. that makes me sad.

meh.

2 Open Fire | [x]

spud

:: 2006 19 September :: 5.46pm
:: Music: simon and garfunkel

we're doing dinner with professor eick tonight. it's been a few months since i've seen him, so that's cool.

aside from that, i'm at college, doing college things.

like, my radio show.
and harry potter club.
and sociology (i.e. cross-dressing and writing journals and reading articles)
and psychology (i.e. thinking about thinking and writing journals and reading articles)
and german (i.e. schlafen)
and film (i.e. watching movies and writing journals and reading articles)
and radio plays
and trying to get a job
and having lots and lots of sex
and doing laundry

you know; college stuff.

6 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 26 September :: 5.49pm

Awwwwe.. Im still alive.. Imagine that..
Things are fine.
Work sucks.
Mike and I are doing very well.
Getting out of debt slowly but surely.
I miss Carley.
My dad bought me a mobile memory card reader!
And he bought himself a new digital camera..
Anyway.. this is my sad update..

2 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 10 September :: 2.38pm

Work is fine.
I worked quite a bit last week.
Too much for the 4 days I had to work.
But I need the money.
Mike goes back on first shift starting monday.
Pretty excited about that.
Yesterday we went and watched his daughter cheer at her brothers football game.
It was sooooo cold.
And rocket football cheerleaders are annoying.
I hate cheerleaders in general.

Hopefully I will have money soon to get my internet turned back on.
Perhaps Mike will pitch in next week.

Anyway just thought that I would update.
Im at my mothers house right now.
I made her come get me because I didnt feel like sitting at home all alone while Mike went to Sheridan to work on his car.
I was invited to go, but I didnt feel like it considering Paula and I talked forever yesterday.
And it's just weird.
But yeah....

[x]

spud	:: 2006 5 September :: 4.47pm :: Music: Tool - Lateralus MERDE! der Universit�t ist sehr schwer! sehr viel, sehr gro� hausaufgabe immer!!! aber ... ich will leben. ich weiss das. und meine wohnung hat ein geschirrsp�lemachine. das ist sehr toll! 2 Open Fire \| [x]

rayray

:: 2006 2 September :: 9.49pm

So here is the update on my current situation.

Mike and I are doing fine.
Better than fine actually.
Since thursday I have been playing doctor.
He fell from the top of the stairs at my apartment, head first all the way down, into the door.
Screwed up ankle, goose egg on the noggin.
His uncle borrowed his bike, let Scotty drive it, and crashed it.
Bike = Totalled.
Im still in a financial rut.
I need a new place to live here soon.
Something cheap.
Around Greenville/Sheridan.
And Nazi free.
My internet got shut off.
Lack of money to pay the bill.

I miss my boyfriend right now.
But I'm spending quality time with my sister & brother-in-law.
As well as my dad.

What is new with you kids?

[x]

rayray

:: 2006 31 August :: 8.39pm
:: Mood: Exhausted.
:: Music: Better Than Me - Hinder

Sometimes you just have to hang on and hope you don't fall off.
Things are so chaotic right now.
I mean big cluster-fuck of a mess.
Not sure how it happened.
I hate being in a financial rut.
Hopefully I will be out of it soon now that I have a job.
They keep uping our hourly rate at work, and then get pissed when we can't meet it.
Sorry 'bout your luck you dumb bastards, but when you stick a new person or two over there every two days, rate won't be met.
Especially when the new people have never even done the line, or worked in a factory before.

Tomorrow my brother leaves to go back to college.
And I never did make it over there this week to go see him.
My sister and brother-in-law are coming up this weekend.
Atleast that is what I heard through the grapevine.

My landlord is a nazi.
But atleast she's letting me pay a little bit each week until I get caught up.
Oh yay.. They are doing fire-extinguisher/smoke alarm inspections the 7th of September..
I guess I better put the battery back in one of the alarms and put back on the ceiling.

I love my boyfriend.
And Brianna hasn't updated or commented in awhile.
I hope everything is alright with her and the baby.

4 Open Fire | [x]

spud

:: 2006 29 August :: 11.47pm
:: Mood: tired

BK2SKOOL

that's really kind of an interesting contradiction... the fact that they can't spell "back to school" anymore.

anyway, i'm back, and school is where i'm at.

i live here:
10266 Laker Lane
Allendale, MI 49401

mail me things that won't explode or set off a metal detector. the anthrax i'll deal with.

good to see everyone's still alive. and i figured it was high time i asserted my own continued existence.

but i'm tired. and i have lots of homework already. and i'm trying to clean. and it's just not working out. but school is fun dammit. i'm busy this weekend. why do i do this to myself?

goodnight.

2 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 26 August :: 5.21am

this getting up so damn early is kicking my ass.
I'm one sleep deprived cranky-ass right now.
I need a new job.
I wouldn't complain about it, if I actually got paid decent.

[x]

rayray

:: 2006 22 August :: 5.20am

Okay, so the beginning of yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
Things seem to be back on track.
Or at least getting there.
I still feel incredibly sick.
And I would give anything to go back to sleep right now.
But only if he was going to be next to me.

I don't recommend bouncing off the rail of a pool either.
It hurts.

[x]

rayray

:: 2006 20 August :: 4.36pm

So much drama, it's rediculous.
Last night when we were at the bar, there was a drug bust, a big fight.
Then we go back to Leons and there's 5 cop cars, and cops swarmed around this trailer with their guns pulled. Some guy tried to kill himself after he body slammed his girlfriend.
Then we go back to the bar and the cops show up again, because some guy couldn't find his girlfriend, the last thing he knew was that 2 guys ran her off the road. So he was freaking out.
And then somewhere in between there, Courtney showed up to the bar. Stupid bitch.
Just seeing her ruined my night.
Didnt get home til 5 this morning because Leon and I were sitting in the rain talking.
I needed to get some stuff off my chest, so I stuck around after Mike came home.
And now Im sitting here watching Lifetime movies.

Oh and I got a job at GRC in Greenville. I start monday. First shift.
It's only 8 dollars an hour. Sucky. But atleast it's something.

1 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 17 August :: 11.34pm

I love him more than anything, but something isn't right.
The fact that I can ignore all his flaws and still love everything about him and not be annoyed by him doesn't seem right to me.
The fact that I have to think of my mom to get pissed off to get pissed at him and fight back isn't right.
I don't understand how he can fight with me, not talk about it, and have things be back to normal all within 15 minutes.
It confuses me how one person who does so much for me and everyone else, who listens better than any guy I know, can be so insensitive and shut the world out.
It's strange how we can go from being so happy, to everything being wrong, back to being happy again.
It's so weird that I didn't want to go on a date with him at first and all it took was one date to draw me in.
I don't understand any of this.
I feel like I should be living my life more. Going to clubs, drinking, partying, dating more, waking up in strange places with strange people and wondering what the fuck.
Not feeling like a housewife with a step child, with financial troubles, no job and on the verge of completely losing my mind.
He took me back after I did one of the worst things someone could possibly do.
He took the chance to trust me again.
I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything.
There are some things that I wish were differ'nt but I wouldn't change them.
Sometimes I wish he didnt have a kid because then we could just run away from everything here.
Then I feel guilty for even thinking that.
I feel like he's not happy with me.
And the thought of him leaving me, makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I need to tell him how I feel.
But I'm too much of a fucking chicken.

[x]

spud

:: 2006 16 August :: 2.01am
:: Mood: selfless, cold and composed? except for not.
:: Music: BnL - Born on a Pirate Ship

Mittwoch

man. so, i've been working on getting the truck ready. i took the cap off today. it looks better without it, but i need to put it on, so that way our stuff stays dry while we're camping, and so it doesn't blow away in transit. but it's pretty badass right now. and it's more fun to drive. i'm enjoying it, anyway. but the neighborhood nazis are sure to not be crazy about the truck cap now sitting on our front lawn, so i have to be quick about this. but it can't go back on until i wash the truck, fix the license plate lights, and replace that plate glass window on the front of the cap. which is proving to be a bigger bitch than i first anticipated. i can't even find a damn window to put in. lowe's said that they could have me one for 62 dollars, in about a month and a half. i basically gave them the finger and left. except, without giving them the finger. but i'm going to get up tomorrow morning and cruise plainfield looking for a hardware store. there's bound to be one somewhere. hopefully they can hook me up with some plexi and i'll be able to rig a setup to fit it into the opening. and there was this nasty-ass tar sealing the old window frame to the cap. it got all over my hands, and on my toe, and on the floor of the garage. sticky as shit. but i'm better now.

kevin is coming over tomorrow night. it's been awhile since i've had my fix. i asked mom for some booze. we'll see if that happens or not. either way it's bound to be a riot. but i'm feeling much more comfortable with my alcohol situation, which is good. i'm not so nervous all the time about it.

lifted weights tonight. that was a good time. we hit 'em pretty damn hard. i'll be sore tomorrow, but it feels good. i'm gonna try and bench 250 on thursday. wish me luck. that's pretty fraggin' heavy. but i did 245 tonight without too much trouble, so i'm feeling good.

now i have to go to bed, dammit.

be tired!

.
.
.

it didn't work.

1 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 16 August :: 12.28pm

the fact that im eating soup instead of fast food irritates him.. he keeps asking if i want money to go get fast food.. and him asking me over and over is irritating me..

We were reading through the newspaper and saw this ad that said "No experience need for qualified applicant.".. thought it was funny..

And then we got on the topic of self-esteem and i was like hunny will you share yours with me.. and he goes "self-esteem is like a rubber, you don't share it because that's just fucked up.."

[x]

spud

:: 2006 13 August :: 11.59pm

i updated myspace. because i'm a loser, and i had nothing better to write about since last night.

went to church like i said i would. went out on the boat like i said i would.

we went to aunt sally and uncle gerry's cottage. i had forgotten how nice it is up there. i just love it. and the water was so warm. i was sad we didn't have more time to go swimming. but it was nice just to get out on the boat. and apparently i have all of these reputations that precede me.

and i have this problem with finding these really cute shirttail cousins, which it kind of weirds me out that they're cute. and i sometimes get the vibe like they think i'm cute too, and they're just as freaked out about it as i am. it's interesting.

speaking of which, apparently i'm somehow distantly related to emily rowe. i thought that was interesting. and again with the cute cousins. meh, whatev.

time to go do something not at all productive, until i pass out.

5 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 14 August :: 7.29pm

Last night was so much fun.
We started off in Stanton at the Old Fashion Days then we came back here so mike and I could grab some warm clothes for the night because we were going back to GR to ride.
Mike and I went to Franco's and had dinner while Leon was working and we were waiting for Wayne, Johnny, Cally, John and Monica to get there so we could all go riding. It was nice having dinner just him and I.
Anyway we left Franco's and we're going down some rd i cant remember the name of it and here come all these cops and whatnot.. There was a terrible hit and run accident.. This drunk guy hit a guy on a bike and the bike is totaled. The guy that was on the bike is in critical condition. A few minutes later, and it could have been one of us. Which is a scary thought.
So then we went downtown for a bit.. Riding is soooo much fun.
Last night the guys were talking about pitching in to get me a bike, so that I can have my own.
And then I slept all day! Woo..

[x]

spud	:: 2006 13 August :: 2.48am :: Music: yes i'm going camping in a week. i'm moving into my apartment in a week. i'm starting school in two weeks. i'm going out on the boat tomorrow. i have to get up for church. i'm frickin' tired. i'll go to bed soon. 3 Open Fire \| [x]

rayray

:: 2006 13 August :: 1.14pm

Yesterday I had quite the eventful day.
Went to Grand Rapids twice, once by car, once by bike.
And I went to the drag strip with Wayne and Leon where we met up with Bowswer and then we went to the bar.
When we were at the bar, I kept making small peter jokes towards Wayne and we were putting ice cubes down the back of each others shirts, until he dumped a whole glass of water down the back of my shirt.
Didn't get home til about 4:30 this morning..
And today we are going riding again.. we're going to the stanton old fashion days.
Yep, thats my life..

3 Open Fire | [x]

jayzulla

:: 2006 11 August :: 1.35pm

party last friday went pretty well. however i do have to say lots of beer and drinking pool water (not on purpose) doesnt mix very well. shits been good, got the celica back, just cant ever sell it if i ever intended on it. dont have much else to say.

8 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 12 August :: 9.37am

I hate stressing about things.
Because then I sit here and my heart starts racing.
And I start thinking about everything that is wrong, and all the things that could be wrong, should be wrong, and about to go wrong or that I feel like I have done wrong.
But honestly, I've done nothing wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong, there's probably a lot of things that could be wrong, not sure what should be wrong and who knows whats about to go wrong.
He doesn't come to bed right when he gets home, which is weird because he always has, even if it was just to lay with me for a little bit.
This morning he left without saying anything (on the bike leaving all his stuff) and when I called him, he sounded like there was something wrong.
But of course when I ask him about it, he says nothing.
Which leaves me here, thinking there's something wrong.
And I won't know if there really is something wrong until he gets back, and who knows what time that will be.
And of course I'll stay here waiting until he does get back to find out.
Because I am who I am, and I always think that the moment I leave when something is wrong, he's going to pack up all his stuff and just leave me.
I had a dream last night that Courtney asked him out and he told her to give him to the rest of the day to answer. And when he came home he grabbed some of his stuff and made that phone call.
And being that when I dream, it's like i'm having an actual conversation, I'm scared.
It makes me feel like we're falling apart. Or maybe I'm just being stupid and paranoid.

EDIT:So I get out of the shower and he's back home. And he's pissed off yet jumping with joy, because he got a letter from an impound saying that they have his truck. So we get to go pick up his truck and whatsuch.. Finally. Now I can give back the suburban, and my brother will get off my back! yay.

2 Open Fire | [x]

spud

:: 2006 11 August :: 2.22am
:: Music: DMB - Crash

i love hudsonville ice cream. i like it better than plainwell ice cream.
primarily because i've never had plainwell ice cream, but secondarily because i grew up on hudsonville, and tertiarily because i like to tease shannon.

time for bed. setting my alarm for 9:30. hope i wake up.

2 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 10 August :: 2.57pm

If I didn't have my boyfriend by my side, I'd completely lose all control.
As of today, my unemployment is up.
Went to peoplelink today, I have to go back tomorrow for safety orientation.
Hopefully they can place me somewhere right away.
My bank account is overdrawn so much.
Makes me cry.
My mom and I aren't talking.
Laundry needs to be done.
We might be moving.

[x]

spud

:: 2006 9 August :: 4.56am

ever since saturday, my sleep schedule has been all fucked up.

i mean, it was well worth it, but still. i'd like the turbulence to stop now.

i'm setting my alarm for tomorrow morning. hopefully i'll get into bed at a reasonable hour tomorrow night, and back into the swing of things by thursday. or i'll just keep on keepin' on.

tomorrow i have to make a couple of phone calls, and drive out to allendale to pay my rent.

blarg.

[x]

spud

:: 2006 7 August :: 11.53pm

gramma' phone

seriously guys. please take the initiative to not make stupid spelling and usage mistakes. it's aggravating. i don't expect perfection. hell, i know my journal is all wrong most of the time. but at least i try. i see so many people not caring, and thus, not trying. it makes me sad.

i had a good weekend. saturday night i had dinner at panera with shannon. after dinner, we went to my dad's new house and changed the oil in the truck, fixed the tail light, carried the filing cabinet downstairs (holy god was that thing ever heavy. it is never leaving that basement), and walked to the ice cream place. then we came back to mom's and watched 'the producers'. i enjoyed it. not that we were paying all that much attention. then we had a nice long talk. it was very emotionally draining, but well worth it. i think we got to sleep somewhere around six.

sunday we lazed around the house in the morning. we went to meijer. i got some essentials. then we went to dinner at the fondue place by celebration. it was expensive, but it was flippin' sweet! the food was absolutely amazing, the ambience was spot-on, the waitstaff were all very relaxed and cordial. they had about seventeen pages of wine selections, all of which i was too young and too poor to try. perhaps when i'm older and wealthier we can go back. that would be fun. or we could find new different places. that would be fun too.
after that we went fishing. after fishing, we went straight to bed. i was pooped. and then this morning we just lazed around the house again until i had to go to work.

i missed kevin, but apparently they practiced yesterday. i'm a slacker with a girlfriend.

it was a good weekend. i have to pay my rent this week. and get some gas. so, that should cost me over 400 dollars. good thing i made over 400 dollars last week. damn.

3 Open Fire | [x]

rayray

:: 2006 7 August :: 11.51pm

The last few days I've been helpnig my dad side his house.
It sucks major ass.
Friday Carley and Hilary came over. And we had fun.
Saturday night Mike, Leon, Wayne and Bowser and I went to Howard City to some anniversary party. It was kind of boring but we had our own fun.
Yesterday I went to my grandma's for awhile, and then I went back to my dads. Then Mike came over there and we went and got something to eat and then went to his uncle Tim's then we went back to my dads and watched a movie..
Which then left me reformatting my computer, losing all my pictures (well over 500) and all my music files (well over 300).
Sucks major ass.
And that about sums it all up..

1 Open Fire | [x]

spud	:: 2006 5 August :: 2.05am 10 hours - no lunch. 10 am start time tomorrow. chris is tired. and will be for the next 24 hours, at least. but once i get my paycheck, it will be all better. 2 Open Fire \| [x]

spud

:: 2006 4 August :: 11.30am

i was going to take a picture of my scruff before i shaved, but alas, i can't find my camera.

and i need to shave. so, it's going. bye bye. it only took two weeks, so i figure if i dedicated a solid month, it could be a full-fledged beard. however, i hopefully will never have to go a month without seeing shannon, and i will shave for her, so... there you have it.

libby just made me a mad lib. it was delicious.

5 Open Fire | [x]

spud

:: 2006 3 August :: 1.37am
:: Mood: tired

worknstuf

so, i worked ten hours tonight. which means several things:

- OVERTIME!!!
- didn't get to talk to shannon.
- got out at 1am (which is just depressing).

but OVERTIME!

i'm trying to milk it for all it's worth, since it's the only positive aspect of the situation, and i really need the money.

3 Open Fire | [x]