I spent the last 3 days at Brians. Sunday we went to Taco Bell. All the fuck way in St. Johns. Sons a bitches. But we had fun. I felt really bad because he drove, and paid, when it was my idea. He told me that he can't afford for me to be cheap. Even though I told him I have no problem paying. Ah well, I bought breakfast yesterday and will do the same tomorrow. This morning he saw me cry. Like actually cry big time. And he saw me blow my nose! (for those of you who don't know or quite understand, I hate having people watch me blow my nose. But I didn't care at the moment because I was crying). These were major tears and not because work sucked either. Because I was frustrated and jealous. I felt bitter, selfish, childish, immature, and shitty. I tried to explain how I felt about everything. How I felt about him. How I felt about me. How I felt about everything that I couldn't make sense out of. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't say everything I felt because it would take all day. The night before at work I was sad. I felt myself breaking down. I felt broken inside. And for the first time in a long time I couldn't cry. I tried so hard to cry because it would have made me feel so much better. But I just ended up with a stress headache. Which lead to a stomach ache. Which then lead to non-stop eating. So then I spent the entire day thinking about the same thing that was making me feel the way that I felt. And the pain from it all just continued to grow. Still not able to cry, I felt weak and ashamed. I felt ashamed for feeling that way. For not coming forward with my feelings sooner. For apologizing for how I felt. Then last night at work I felt worse than I did the entire day. The pain grew so much and was becoming so unbearable. And I still wasn't able to cry. I tried to hide how I felt. But for some reason he saw how I felt just by looking into my eyes. On our last break, he looked at me and said "I'm sorry that you hurt inside. Im sorry that you feel the way that you do. So lets talk after work because I know there's something you want to say to me, but don't know how or afraid of what might happen if you do tell me". And my eyes just filled with tears because he was right. I hate how he does that. I hate how he can just tell when he looks into my eyes. So after work we talked. I feel relieved of some of the pain that I felt. But not all of it. I think the rest of the pain is from not being able to talk like that to my mom. Get everything off my chest with no interuptions. Just me saying everything and her listening. But I need to realize that I'd be asking for too much if I were to ask for that to happen. Now that my headache has finally passed, and my stomach only kind of hurts and I have finally cried a good decent cry, I think i will finally be able to get some good sleep. I miss him already. I feel like I'm more obsessed than anything. Even though he tells me all the time he can tell by looking into my eyes that I love him, that I care more about him than I care about myself. Which is probably true.

Well, now that I am finally done with my large bowl of coco puffs/rice krispies that I ate with a gravy spoon.

Randy, the kid that cheats on his girlfriend (that I guess is no longer is girlfriend) and has a tether wants to take me out. He told me that what we do and where we go is up to me, because he's paying for everything and I have to drive because he lost his license. hah

[x]