phil-himself
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::
2008 23 November :: 4.46am
Went to KC bar with Will T, Sam Adams cherry wheat on tap is the best the best the best
drank 3 brews there
then we went to eric's and wasted some shits at beer pong
good night
[x]
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cjessicapyne
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::
2008 21 November :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Rihanna - Rehab.
Baby, baby, when we first met, I never felt something so strong. You were like my lover and my best friend all wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it.
I have a ton of things I need to write, but I'm working on dealing with these things I need to type first.
It's easy to set a goal and look up at it, completely ignoring all of the hurdles and obstacles in between. In fact, I've made a habit of it. Because if I let on to myself in any way, I'd never get anywhere.
Not that I've even been moving forward lately.
Just backwards and sometimes, around in circles.
And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you.
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back.
And you're the one to blame.
Is it bad when you finally convince someone to divuldge all of the rotten things they've ever said about you, and you're left expecting worse? Because that's where I'm at.
Like, spot on.
I over-analyze to begin with but now I'm just overboard.
I'm looking at things from angles that shouldn't even exist.
Tilting my head in ways it shouldn't even go.
I'm hearing words and trying to translate them into languages that have long since died.
I try to hold my hands up and say, "no, I don't know what my problem is."
But I do.
Me. I'm my problem.
And these things in my head. Thoughts? Yeah, those. They're a big issue too.
I've lost track of my 'off' button and am left with 'self-destruct.'
But I worry not! I have plenty of people willing to detonate that sucker for me.
3 Open Fire |
[x]
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spud
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::
2008 21 November :: 2.39am
And i still won it.
8 Open Fire |
[x]
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acidtears
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::
2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.
Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey
(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
[x]
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spud
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::
2008 18 November :: 3.55am
so, i saw the first cut of the summer film today. well, it's already been through several revisions. but this was the first public screening.
i will say, some things turned out really well. some did not. i'm glad to see that it came together okay, at least. i would have been pissed if it sucked, and surprised if it was out of this world. i still think some of the big problems with the story are in the script itself, and are therefore beyond fixing at this point. i also think that cleaning up the audio will do wonders. and that is going to be a formidable task. i'm just wondering if my class next semester is going to have to do all that. it would be interesting. then i'd have my hands on it during two phases of the process, instead of just one. that would be weird.
other than that, just business as usual. falling steadily farther behind in all of the important classes, with the one class that i'm doing best in the only class i'm actually making headway on.
it'll all come together in the end. i just hope the collision isn't too catastrophic for me to keep it together.
and in the meantime, just keep plugging away at it, little by little. but i am also running out of time, which means a step up in pace is in order.
1 Open Fire |
[x]
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rayray
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2008 17 November :: 10.33pm
It's pathetic how I find myself defending why I love my boyfriend after 3 years, to people who know me better than a lot of people.
And they tell me that I'm not happy.
But truth be told, I am the happiest I've ever been.
In high school, I was a train wreck.
I was always depressed, crying over never-meant-to-be relationships, drama ate at me like I was a thanksgiving turkey, and I was stressed out the moment I stepped foot into my house.
I was constantly being told what to do.
And I hated every moment of the life I lived outside of my friends.
I may not hang out with my friends as much as I used too, and those relationships may have grown awkard over the past 3 years.
But I truly am happy.
I finally have someone I love that I can come home to everyday, and wake up to every morning.
It may not be the best of relationships, but I am happy.
After this long, I shouldn't have people who I feel I can trust, telling me that I should have a baby, but not until I get a different boyfriend.
I haven't felt that hurt in awhile.
Many of you feel the same way, but don't judge until you know the whole story.
I shouldn't have to defend my life to others.
1 Open Fire |
[x]
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phil-himself
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2008 17 November :: 2.32am
I don't know what to believe anymore.
Tired from over thinking, numb from over feeling.
When you try to move on and things get thrown back at you.
This whole event seems like mutually assured destruction.
[x]
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.
And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.
The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.
So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.
-Samm d'Massacre.
5 Open Fire |
[x]
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 3.40pm
:: Music: "I will love you" by: Fisher
music heals
Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you
I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...
[x]
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phil-himself
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2008 16 November :: 1.11pm
Mudvayne - Pushing Through This
Salt the wound
Cut through a conscience I've failed to explore
The calm before the storm
Speak your peace and prepare for the fall
Words have been chosen
Tainting the gift
Lying truth's so increditable
So fuck you all
I'm turning my back on this killing so small
Step by step I'm pushing through this
(All of you get away from me)
Eye for an eye I'm pushing through this
My law
Step by step I'm pushing through this
(All of you get away from me)
Tooth for a tooth I'm pushing through this
Through you
3 Open Fire |
[x]
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phil-himself
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::
2008 16 November :: 12.39am
Drastic steps
[x]
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rayray
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2008 14 November :: 10.44pm
finally broke down and went to the doctors wednesday.
sinus AND respiratory tract infection.
lucky me.
1 Open Fire |
[x]
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acidtears
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2008 14 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Ah yes. Teenage Girls Dilemmas.
You haven't called in 2 days. You haven't come over for your usual lunch break hang out. So, I'm only hoping she didn't get inside your head.
Hoping she didn't twist and contort your thoughts on me. She's the kind of girl that lives, breathes, and even ingests drama.
"I can't believe you ditched him! He was hurt and disappointed and upset".....Yes, well, that stung a little bit I have to say. But after I talked to you and you assured me she was blowing smoke out of her ass, I felt a bit better. The burn was gone. I hate it when she says "Well, he didn't say that. But you could tell he was thinking it".
That was last month, but her drama just brings stress and irritability into my world. I don't need anymore of that. My days lately have been waking up early, getting the kids off to school, showering Ava, dressing Ava, getting Ava onto her bus, waking my mom up, getting Ava back off of the bus, watching Ava, cleaning, chores, sometimes I talk to my friends, go to bed, and start the same thing all over again. One reason I loved the movie "Dream Catcher". It brought me a saying for my life. S.S.D.D. Same Shit, Different Day. Love it. Live it.
It seems the only thing that excites me anymore is "Alright" by: Pilot Speed. Yes, sad to say, a song is the thing that excites me most. HaHa.
But, Mom, Doug, and Ava will probably be home soon. I should start on more laundry. Yes, that's me.... House wife in training. HaHa.
-Samm d'Massacre
2 Open Fire |
[x]
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acidtears
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2008 12 November :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: amused
I HAVE MOVED!
I am now located at my new journal so my bff Samm d'Massacre can blog it up, Cedar style.
Give her a warm welcome, everyone!
Yeah, I'm done. Over and out, my dear.
So drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away, and I
just filled up your tank earlier today.
[edit :: 3:46am]
Yeah I'm back, and I'm stronger than ever.
I love who I love.
I spend my time doing things I enjoy.
I 'waste my gas' driving around the places I like.
I laugh at things I find funny, offensive to you or not.
I hurt your feelings because I'm honest and I don't believe in sugarcoating anything.
Yes, sometimes I antagonize and push. I have my moods. So do you.
But! UNLIKE YOU, I'm carrying out my life in the aftermath of the decisions I made, not anyone else. My morals were chiseled in me from tried-and-learned experiences in my actual life, not handed down to me from my grandparents' bible.
Fuck you for almost making me believe I was less of a person for it.
Does it really matter what kind of vodka I drink - or that I drink at all? No. And yeah, I smoke, so fucking what? At least I can sleep in the bed I've made for myself, wake up every morning and be content with the life that greets me.
My parents don't love me based on what I choose to show them and what I keep hidden away under my bed so's not to 'disappoint.' No, my dad knows about my (gasp!) premarital sex and pregnancies. My mom can come sit on the porch with me and talk about our days over a cigarette. My grandparents have seen every tattoo on my body, and my little sisters aren't surprised at anything I say.
I don't keep secrets and my honest thoughts are the first in my mouth and through my barely-parted lips.
My family and (true) friends love me not because I'm perfect, but because I'm real.
At first I was going to abstain from all social websites, but decided to keep my woohu and facebook. However, MySpace, Trig, ModelMayhem, etc - are all dead and ground into the dust.
So the bitches with the drama can get a new hobby, because I'm perfectly content to manage my life without he-said-she-said.
Thanks.
* ps, I apologize if this lacks my usual prowess with words and prose. I'm better but STILL (a bit) bitter and so am ranting with my fingertips. Who the hell am I kidding? You guys understand ;]
5 Open Fire |
[x]
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spud
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2008 11 November :: 1.14am
:: Music: Coldplay
ATTENTION!
Yo Internet Peeps:
My radio show is currently up and running. It has been for several weeks.
I'm sick of not having any listeners. The show sucks, because I don't try, because nobody listens, because I didn't advertise very well. Or at all.
So, I will be attempting to change this.
The show is currently: MONDAYS @ 4PM LISTEN HERE!
I'm thinking about doing a couple of themed shows. Maybe one entirely off of youtube, or one entirely of "red hot jazz" (think 1920s).
If you can't listen at that time, I totally understand. Which is why when I reschedule next semester, I will be asking for your input as far as what times on what days are good times to have my show, so I will hopefully have more listeners. Because I want to do something that everyone will enjoy, at a time that is convenient for them.
So, hopefully you can listen at that time for the next couple of months.
More updates will come later.
Peace,
Chris
[x]
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phil-himself
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2008 10 November :: 3.46pm
Lawls my insurance company gave me a PT Loser to drive while my chevy is getting fixed.
This has been a fun afternoon of abusing someone else's car.
[x]
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rayray
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2008 9 November :: 11.15am
I feel like I have a lot of emotion to pour out.
But I don't know how to put a lot of it into words.
It's been so long since I have vented any of my emotions.
I think that its because Im gradually getting better at telling Mike how I feel instead of bottling it up, and then just lashing out at him the next time he pisses me off.
Its kind of pathetic that after 3 years I still have a hard time telling him how I feel about certain things.
Most the time I am just trying to spare him the hurt, because I am a harsh bitter person.
I used to blame his daughter for every little thing, and I'd hide out in the bedroom when she'd come over.
But I've overcome that, and I think that I am even coming around to the thought of having kids eventually.
I think I'm growing up..
[x]
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phil-himself
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2008 9 November :: 12.27am
More bullshit, a fucking car wreck. Fucking Hell just what I needed tonight.
I would really like to be able to talk to a certain someone right now.
5 Open Fire |
[x]
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jayzulla
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2008 5 November :: 1.53pm
kimbo got tko'd. lol.
[x]
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rayray
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2008 4 November :: 9.11am
So I've basically spent the last day and a half in bed..
I made an attempt at work yesterday. I felt perfectly fine, then all of a sudden I'm sweating profusely, feeling like I am going to vomit, and then I passed out.
I've been shakey, cold, then extremely hot.
The littlest movement makes my head throb so bad I start balling.
My head hurts even more when the lights are on.
I feel like ass, and look just as worse.
My sister, Derrick, and Seth are coming up in a couple of weeks.
Im really excited about that because I miss them all..
2 Open Fire |
[x]
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jayzulla
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2008 2 November :: 2.32am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3M4VacJ4NU
done this1 million times but nobdy understands still. except mishy. kimbo = not shit and washed up. anderson silva is king. nobody will ever be as dominate as he was/is. 1:01 spinning back elbow knockout, who does that? no one. sickest move ever in mma. respect anderson or die.
edit. 4:45 is the sickest bjj triagle you will ever see in your life. and 6:02 is the most disgusting knockout you will ever see in your life. spiing beck
elbow. ouch!.
edit # 2. Spelling wasnt the best, but i still have to give him props. nobody will ever match his skill of fighting. kimbo is chump, lenser is chump, everybody ever is chump compared to him. regardless who it is, it could be fedor at 185 and andersons clinch is to good for anybody to withstand. his strikes are all sniper style. the just hit, and you feel it. love the man, many kudos. plz dont retire in 09!
edit # 3: im sure most of you know this already but i just want to say it. most youtubers (90.5%) of them are morons and try to ethug out.
1 Open Fire |
[x]
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jayzulla
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2008 2 November :: 2.32am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3M4VacJ4NU
done this1 million times but nobdy understands still. except mishy. kimbo = not shit and washed up. anderson silva is king. nobody will ever be as dominate as he was/is. 1:01 spinning back elbow knockout, who does that? no one. sickest move ever in mma. respect anderson or die.
[x]
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jayzulla
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2008 2 November :: 1.45am
this is how i roll. Oberon, our summer ale. An American wheat ale with the color and scent of a summer afternoon. i dont need to dress up. Im Jay motherfucking Zulla. happy halloween peeps. i hope everyone had as fun a time as i did.
[x]
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spud
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2008 29 October :: 1.26am
:: Mood: contemplative
recollections
::
i feel like i've lost a lot of my pizzazz. (or maybe you spell it pissass. depending on how many laxatives i took that day.) you know? i feel like i used to have more vitality, more everything. not that i was a driven, self-motivated type of person. not that i was spastic or rambunctious. i just feel like i had an undercurrent of motion that just isn't there anymore.
nowadays i let the simplest things prevent me from getting anything done, and i really don't feel the need to try and innovate, or make new things happen. i'm content to attempt, and fail, to merely recreate those which have come before. nothing outstanding. nothing superb. i just settle for okay.
but that really doesn't seem right. i don't want just an okay life. i don't want just okay friends. okay coworkers. okay family. that's not how it works for me. i feel like everything about my life up to this point has been outrageous. and now it's just mellowing out. i guess it's my job to keep it outrageous. but i have a lot of fucking jobs right now, which i guess is what's bogging me down. so, adding the job of unbogging myself to the pile doesn't really work. it'll just exacerbate the problem.
so, i just need to get a few things out of the way, one at a time, so that i have a bit more freedom to have some of that guilt-free, sporadic, funtime. where my energy is put to its most effectively pragmatic use. because clearly i don't get shit done when it comes to actual work. but give me something fun to do, and i'll forget to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, i'm so diligent.
and faking myself out to think that the "work" stuff is actually "fun" stuff doesn't cut it. believe me, i've tried. although, i have discovered that some of the "fun" stuff is actually "work". but since it falls under "fun" in my classifications, i can still do that, at least.
i guess we'll make it happen eventually. and until then, i'll just have to tough it out. but i want to be fun and exciting again. none of this boring, grumpy, old man nonsense. that suits me at times. but i don't think this should be one of those times.
i'll get there, and i'll enjoy it. but i'm not there yet. and there's no sense in rushing it.
1 Open Fire |
[x]
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phil-himself
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2008 26 October :: 1.22pm
Not going into work today till 6:00pm because I have the flu. Such a shitty week this has been.
[x]
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rayray
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2008 22 October :: 6.16pm
So after a lot of discussing, we have highly considered moving to Wyoming..
The final decision isn't going to be up to me, because I am not the one that has a child.
Also, we are looking at getting an english bulldog puppy.
Im still waiting for my civil service date.
And at this rate, I don't think I am going to get in to take it until december.
2 Open Fire |
[x]
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spud
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2008 15 October :: 3.46am
Bzoink Friend Tests I got 1000000%on jessa's Test!
5 Open Fire |
[x]
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spud
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2008 15 October :: 3.32am
:: Mood: sleepy
I mean, crap, man.
... that's, like, his stomach plug on the ground, there. That's not even physically possible, if you think about it....
::
so yeah. i really need to clean out my email inbox. it's seriously bad.
i also need to stop failing at doing my homework. i turned in a paper today that was almost a week late, and when i was called on for discussion in another class, i just told her that i couldn't answer the question, because i didn't do the reading. not that half the class did. but the fact that i had to put it out there in words was awkward.
and it's not going to let up. theoretically i'll be starting work soon, which will only cause things to get worse. then again, maybe it will keep me busy to where i'm more productive and more motivated. hopefully that's the case.
either way, something has to change, because i can't keep going on like i am. i have serious issues with getting to bed, getting up, getting my work done, and getting places on time. especially lately. and it's very uncool.
that aside, the front moved through. that's nice. much cooler tonight. makes me happy. i'm excited for fall.
[x]
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phil-himself
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2008 14 October :: 1.31pm
I think there is something fundamentally wrong with this country that Beverly Hills Chihuahua is the top film right now. Well it's better than Oliver Stone's piece of shit making money, apparently people aren't sheep enough to buy into his sack of garbage.
4 Open Fire |
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phil-himself
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2008 13 October :: 12.12am
If you see the Metrodome Referees, they are wanted for Robbery. That is all.
4 Open Fire |
[x]
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