You would kill for this, Just a little bit, You would...

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You would kill for this, Just a little bit, You would...

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spud	:: 2008 15 April :: 7.16pm i walked out of class today because i was frustrated. probably not a good choice, but there you are. at least i made amends with my groupmates. that's the important part. 4 Open Fire \| [x]

:: 2008 14 April :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: better
:: Music: radiohead - no surprises

::

i feel much better after today. i'm still kind of pissed about some stuff. and the wings lost. but at least, for whatever reason, i managed to evade the same sort of funkiness that's been haunting my shadows for the past week or two.

and there's nothing but good on the horizon. so, shut the fuck up, brain!

:: 2008 11 April :: 4.24pm

I sit. I weap. I wipe away tears. It's how I start my day, and how I end it.
I cry at the drop of a hat.
I know I'm an emotional wreck and that I have some emotional issues I keep throwing in the back of my closet. Hoping that someday they will escape through a crack somewhere.
Sadly, I never know what starts these fits of tears and uncertainty.
Especially when everything in my relationship with Mike is great.
I have a job, and I am enrolled in college.
My bills are paid, and I'm slowly getting caught up.
I really have nothing missing.
However, there is a huge hole.
And that hole that keeps attacking me at moments like these, is hurting me.
This uncomfortable feeling it gives me, is hurting me physically.
I am always tired. My body aches. And I can't find a cure..

I've spent the last few weeks doing a spring cleaning of my thoughts.
So far, I feel as though I worn myself weak, and accomplished nothing.
It's like running on a treadmill.

Right now, I would love to burst into tears, and curl up in bed.
But there are too many things I need to get done.

Anyway..
My dad talked to his girly-friend last night on the phone for 2 hours last night, even though she broke their date for last night.
He is so happy, and giddy. And I love seeing him smile.
I have been waiting for this for years.

1 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 10 April :: 1.49am

i cannot wait for Matt serra and the GSP rematch. ufc has taken over....goodbye boxing.

3 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 8 April :: 4.29pm

So I am still waiting for that student id number.
I called and left a message with the admissions lady..
Being that it is spring break this week, I highly doubt i will get a response this week.

Anyway to go more indepth about the things my last entry contained..
My dad had a date-ish type evening saturday. I am happy for him, and he's happy, and he smiles a lot too.

I spent time with my mom on saturday. We played cards. It was entertaining.

And lastly, Mike's fish.. We had a power surge, and his fish was fried. He swam all weird and retarded like for a couple moments, and then nothing. It was sad.

But now I must shower. Sandpaper dust does not leave a very attractive odor behind. And let me tell you, I would be so very happy if i never had to see sandpaper again.

2 Open Fire | [x]

spud	:: 2008 8 April :: 1.39am it kind of reminds me of that episode of pete and pete where they tried to stay awake for like three days straight. or something. i think it's bedtime. 5 Open Fire \| [x]

:: 2008 7 April :: 5.17am
:: Music: 311 - don't tread on me

i like how at some point it transitions in conceptualization from a very late night, to a very early morning. and yet, the task of nabbing down precisely where that transition occurs is nigh-on impossible.

my guess is that it's right around the time when the birds start chirping.

...

yep, i hear 'em.

:: 2008 7 April :: 2.41am

wow. it's gonna be a long stretch to exams.

and an early morning tomorrow. i'll be ready to crash once i get done at the scientists meeting tomorrow night. but that'll be fun, at least. the events leading up to it, not so much.

although, filming went reasonably well today. and i got some free food out of the deal. and i met a guy who wants to record me on drums. and i got to play drums at that party last night, which also had some free food and was a lot of fun. and i got to play drums and hear dad's new band on friday, and have some free food after that as well. so, the themes for this weekend were : party, free food, and drums.

not too bad. except that i got nothing accomplished and slept way too late this morning. but it all worked out, i guess.

:: 2008 6 April :: 10.02pm

A big weekend has just ended..
My dad had a date.
I willingly went to see my mom.
And Mike's fish died..

:: 2008 3 April :: 12.23am

you know. sometimes i just don't understand.

most times, in fact.

i just wonder where the fuck i went so wrong. when it all looked so promising. and then there are those other times when i wonder how in the hell it worked out so perfectly, when i thought it would be shit. and either way, i was fucking wrong, and didn't get a chance to appreciate it, because i was so busy being wrong.

and then i failed college. or at least pissed a bunch of people off for being stupid. and pissed myself off even more.

i've been ridiculously angry all day today, and i don't understand it. i really need to blow off some steam.

7 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 2 April :: 6.38pm

So finally we have 2 running vehicles again.
I am waiting for my student id number so I can register for summer classes.
I just finished cleaning, but I still have some more to do..
But I am running out of ambition.

Tara is moving to Texas.

:: 2008 26 March :: 4.46pm

Now I just wait for an answer and the days to pass..
As well as my student ID for MCC so I can register for classes.
Not to mention take the placement test.
They set me up with a time, but I can't do it at that time because I have this thing called work that I must attend so I can bring home a small paycheck at the end of the week! Yippy.

I dread most of it.

:: 2008 25 March :: 5.46pm
:: Music: temple of the dog

i had a dream last night that i played hockey with the red wings. i was really bad. but they still liked having me on the team, for whatever reason. it was one of those dreams where it's really frustrating, because you can't move as fast as you know that you can. and you keep trying to will your body to do stuff, but it won't. before that i was driving in a car with my sister. which i think was a continuation of a previous dream i'd had.

did the in-class shoot today. it kinda sucked balls, but whatever.

robby had to cancel today. which i guess is okay. i just wish he would have told me ahead of time so i wouldn't have had to go and reserve the recorder and have dad bring the mics out and all of that happy horseshit. but i suppose it was for the best. it gave me time to get more accustomed to the machine and think through exactly how i want to set it up when he actually can record.

also, i couldn't talk to the financial aid people today. but i made an appointment for next wednesday. and i might be able to do walk-ins before the appointment. i'm debating on how urgent my need is. well, i need $2000 by april 25, if at all possible. so pretty urgent, i suppose.

then again, i won't be able to give them anything if i can't register for the class, which i also have to wait on. i talked to the lady in the school of com office today, and she said that the names hadn't been cleared yet, and to try again next monday. and if they're not up by next monday, i'll just have to wait longer.

and the honors college still hasn't cleared me for WRT 305 yet, either.

so all around, a whole bunch of waiting for people to get their shit together. which is frustrating. but there's nothing i can do about it, other than wait, so i might as well just relax and enjoy.

there's a free trade concert tonight that i'm helping out at. the scientists are running the pa and recorder for the show. should be fun. i enjoy doing that stuff, and they're good people. always a good time.

:: 2008 24 March :: 11.23pm

dear god,

if i go deaf because i'm the first person to ever be diagnosed with a "skull infection" i am going to be pissed at you until further notice.

sincerely,
Chris

actually, my nose is getting a lot better. but now my left ear is all messed up. it's happened two or three times now where i go to blow my nose, and then i blow too hard or something, and my ear pops, and then it rings and feels all funky, occasionally making more popping/swelling sounds, until eventually it goes away. but the entire time it's like that, i can't hear shit. i know it's something to do with my eardrum. but that doesn't make me feel any better. i kind of need my eardrum if i want to work in a recording studio. motherfucker.

i feel good though. i got a lot of shit done today. and i have lots more to do tomorrow. should be cool though. i'm definitely getting somewhere with stuff and things. always gratifying.

5 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 22 March :: 10.19pm
:: Music: Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

I seriously love that song.
Everytime I heard it on the radio, I'd never catch the name of who sings it.
Finally tonight I withdrew from my laziness and found out.
So now I just sit here trying to prepare for tomorrow.
I have some cleaning left to do.
Inside I have a lot to say.
However, I don't feel that this is the place or the time to share any of it..

:: 2008 21 March :: 1.15pm
:: Mood: unintelligent

yay!

thanks andy!

here you go:

*names have been changed, for fun and profit*

so, i'm a little slow sometimes. we all know this to be true.

i got an email awhile back from FRED, saying something along the lines of "i was listening to music on xxxxxxx.com, and it made me think/feel some of our conversation a while back. you should check it out." so, i was like 'okay. don't recall having any conversation of this sort with FRED. but hey, i forget things all the time.' so, life went on. a little while later i actually went and checked out the site. it was sweet, so i sent him a note saying it was awesome, and he replied with a couple of bands to check out. so i did. and i thought, 'wow, FRED's taste has changed a bit. i guess that's to be expected. and i like it. it's cool. but it seems different for him.' but it wasn't really that far of a stretch, so i didn't question it. life went on. then i made a project for my media II class, using FRED's music, and i sent FRED an email requesting permission to use it. and he replied saying it was fine, using what i understood to be some quote from the liner notes. only, when i checked the liner notes, i couldn't find anything remotely resembling the quote anywhere on them. huh. that's odd. so, i sent FRED a message today, saying that i had finished the project and, if he was interested, i could get a copy to him on DVD. he messaged me back with his address, so i could mail it to him. but why would i need to mail it to him, when FRED lives right in town? i could just drop it off at his apartment.

so, after working out the fact - and coming to terms with the embarrassment - that i'd been talking to the wrong FRED for about a year, i then realized that i'd roped myself into sending a dvd, having nothing to do with FRED (not to be confused with FRED) - or his music - all the way to fucking san francisco. that, and i still don't technically have permission from FRED to use the music that i'm sending to FRED.

all because i'm an idiot.

so, long story longer, no matter how many problems and snafus you encounter with all of your dealings today, whether at work, or at home, or with other bullshit, at least take solace in the fact that you're not quite as moronic as me.

sincerely,

FRITZ (a tribute to any dr. seuss fans in the crowd)

:: 2008 17 March :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: the fucking spin cycle. it's a squeaky bastard.

sick

this is a pretty typical conversation for us, i'd say:

me: yo
H: hey
just heading off
feeling better?
me: nope
H: huh
funny how that works
I suggest amputation
me: tie a tourniquet around my neck to stop the bleeding?
H: wrong head
me: no, that would only make it harder.
H: or turn blue and fall off
me: no, it does that on its own. it's a defense mechanism....
H: hmm
either way
register for classes tomorrow
me: yepper
H: I'm sunk
hst 300 - writing history and my capstone
plus the honors project
me: nice
H: boned
me: aren't we all...
H: you probably are
me: not tonight.
H: sucker
me: nope, not that either.
H: even worse
me: yeah
H: alright, I'm out
see you around
me: bye
-------------------------------------------
i like that it doesn't have to make sense to make sense.

alright, sheep-man. what's the next move? and how do i make this cold go away?

pretty please!

3 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 15 March :: 12.27pm

Gotta take the good with the bad..
I got a new phone yesterday.
I hate it. It doesn't do what I want it to do.
So I am going to have them order me the one I really truly want, that they don't carry.

We are getting a new couch today.
Can't get much better than free!
It's in great shape, and its extremely comfortable.

Shannon got laid off yesterday.
Martin told her that she had the "Rachel thing going on".
I laughed.

I filled out an application for admissions at MCC.
I got to the section where I have to fill out what program I want...
And I stopped.
Thought I knew, but now I changed my mind, again.

:: 2008 12 March :: 6.44pm

Things have been going pretty good..

My sister had her first ultrasound yesterday..

My baby neice or nephew :D

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 11 March :: 11.58pm
:: Music: metallica

strongbow on tap

it was a lot of fun going out tonight, and we got to see professor eick and stuff. he seriously gets more and more cool every time we hang out with him.

i didn't get anything done today, unless you count cleaning the bathroom floor. hopefully that will alleviate our ant situation.

but yeah. not very productive today. that's alright though. that's why we have tomorrow.

and the day after that...

and the day after that....

spud	:: 2008 11 March :: 1.55am i think i just fell in love with four finger five. i MUST see them next time they're at founders. which i believe is april 19. i should go to bed. but damn. this is the shit. it's just such a solid, soulful groove. right in the pocket. amazing. 1 Open Fire \| [x]

:: 2008 9 March :: 11.48pm

so, i've been working on an idea for this scriptwriting project i have, and i think i like it.

i've been getting lots of help from people, but i think that you guys can help too.

basically, i have certain things i want to incorporate in the thing... certain details. but i still need more ideas to kind of fill in the gaps and create tension and conflict and stuff.

what i have so far:

this kid in high school is keeping a journal. shit happens. i plan on taking advantage of discrepancies between the journal and the "reality" of the situation.

but i'm kind of wondering about what kind of shit happens? what stuff is this kid into? who is this kid? what are they like? what are their friends and family like? etc.

this is where you come in. if you have any ideas, especially those related to journaling, since you are my journaling community, please let me know.

these ideas CAN be based on your own personal experience, but don't HAVE to be.

any and all help with this would be greatly appreciated, as i'm already three weeks behind schedule, after going in partway before completely scrapping my first idea.

thanks!

:: 2008 8 March :: 10.54am

Greatest music video ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_VI7MAoWjc

:: 2008 7 March :: 12.50am

kristi
mister jay,

kristi called me tonight. we talked about lots of stuff: me. the frank lloyd wright house that's near her apartment. me. her mom's obsession with american idol. my family. her dad's snoring. my snoring. her snoring. RED WINGS HOCKEY! me. her friend at home, whose name started with a B(ecky?). me. my journal. me. her myspace. me.

needless to say, it was a great conversation.

in other news, i went through all my old looseleaf stuff. it got me thinking about atman a lot. and katie. you know, i used to think he had a thing for her. what's more, i still think he had a thing for her. i'll cite a certain game of "king of the bed" as exhibit A. i know for damn sure he wasn't trying to get me on his bed. i'm pretty sure he was trying to shove me out the window. it was all in good fun, though. then again, maybe he really was just trying to be "king".

anyway, guess who i get to see tomorrow: kristi. and kevin. and probably emily. and maybe some other people. and dad and libby and joe. but still mostly kristi.

THE END.

p.s. this entry is still all about kristi, whether anyone (including her) fully realizes it or not. even the bit about addison and katie is really about her.

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 6 March :: 3.18pm
:: Mood: nostalgic again
:: Music: lots of it

por kebin
there are more, i'm sure, but this is at least a portion of "kevin" songs within my repertoire:

bnl - crazy. you know why.

311 - champagne. the whole of "from chaos" really. i know i make you listen to that a lot more than you probably want to, but it always means "kevin" to me.

the chemical brothers - block rockin' beats. yessir.

fastball - out of my head. we still need to play this song.

jamiroquai - cosmic girl. cruising in your car, the first time i'd ever heard of jamiroquai. always a good time.

jimi hendrix - voodoo child. Al groth is a god.

john mayer - 3 x 5. pick one of the many times. it's a recurring favorite, and has been for years.

led zeppelin - since i've been lovin' you. this song is the reason i miss your zeppelin phase. i love the hell out of this song.

maroon 5 - secret. from the solar experience days. ah, yes.

pink floyd - the great gig in the sky. didn't you come to laser floyd with us senior year? either way, this song reminds me of you.

sixpence none the richer - puedo escribir. it's obviously not spanish, but that doesn't make it any less kevin for me.

soad - chop suey. this was when i was hanging out with tony putt and ryan gravelle a lot. and james golden, actually. but while you were busy ignoring me with bruce said checkers, i was secretly wishing we were in a band, playing this song. i know, i'm creepy.

weezer - only in dreams. you already called buddy holly. i just really like this song, and again, had imagined someday performing it with you.

weird al - since you've been gone. another recurring favorite.

average white band - pick up the pieces. Dr. Strangeglove. fun times. i still need to see that movie, though.

suggestion:
plain white t's - stop. this whole album reminds me of the sound that you were into back in the day. i only got it recently, so it has no specific attachment to any memories, but the overall sound is enough to hearken back to that era.

p.s. you're so fuckin' gay....

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 6 March :: 2.36pm

why did they ever cancel this course?

and, more importantly, why was i sifting through the 1998/99 course catalog for audio classes? because i'm what they call "mentally retarded". that, and, apparently the reason i like grand valley is because it is so much like me. at least in the sense that it never throws anything away - even if it is obviously completely useless.

PHY 125 Introduction to the Physics of Music and Sound. Physical, musical, architectural, psychological, and anatomical aspects of sound. Particular emphasis will be placed on the physical basis of music and the acoustical properties of auditoriums. (3-0-0). Three credits.

:: 2008 6 March :: 12.49am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: pink floyd - the division bell

denham's dentrifice

so, got four cavities filled today. that was fun times.

had an interesting talk with mom. and libby's growing up. it's so weird / cool / frightening all at the same time. i think she'll turn out just fine. but it's really a bizarre experience to watch her going through it. it feels like seven years was such a long time ago. and it was. it just freaks me out knowing (or, not knowing, rather) that i'm going to be someplace unimaginable, doing something i can't even begin to guess at, once another seven rolls by.

and tuesday was mom and bruce's 10th wedding anniversary. we were looking at the wedding pictures. it was crazy. pal's is the same as ever, though. which, in some ways, makes it even more weird.

i really need to get rolling on this homework, before it's too late.

but i love this song.

in other news, my tax returns finally came back, so i can pay rent tomorrow. i was starting to get a little worried. five days is a pretty close call.

:: 2008 1 March :: 7.53pm

Its weird how Styx songs can put me in an amazingly good mood.
They also give me ambition.
All time favorite Styx song is Lorelei.

So we haven't received mail in almost 2 weeks.
Not cool.

I work in a shit hole.
The lady told me it was the cleanest factory she had ever been in..
hahaha whatever.
I come home with burns on my arms from the press and from the sand paper rubbing against my arm as i try to roll it through onto the arm of the press.
I make a lousy $7.50 an hour.

Lori is in Cancun right now where it's warm and she's getting a tan..
Bitch.

Man I could go for some taco bell... again..
Shannon brought me some when she came over today!

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2008 27 February :: 6.29am

first day of work today.
mike left me a cute note.
its going to be a long day.

:: 2008 26 February :: 1.26am

Today was long. Very long.

Started off with Mike's alarm going off for 45 minutes because he was being an ass pigeon and sleeping through it.. and that was at like 7 in the friggin morning.
And then the phone rang and it was his cousin, her and her friend had been in an accident and needed someone to flip their car back over, and pull it out of the ditch.
Then we made a trip to MCC to get a paper signed so he can get money!
Then it was home for a quick bit before we headed to GR..
Which was long, boring and irritating.
Social Security Office is insane. It's like the secretary of state, but 3 times worse.
The people smell, the employee's are fucking dicks.
He couldn't apply for a new Social Security card becuase of 1 fucking letter.. 1 lousy stupid fucking little letter..
After almost 27 years, someone finally realizes that his name was spelled wrong on his social security card.
I swear the only thing people in GR are willing to stand in line for is free moolah to milk off the state.. (Social Security/Welfare).
Then it was off to Ionia so he could take a mid-term.

At 9:30 in the morning I am meeting with Lisa from Qualified Staffing to discuss a possible job placement.
Kind of excited about that. Hopefully its reasonable pay.
But I guess I can't complain too much, I need a job and unemployment is about to run out.
And I can't wait until I can afford to get my eyebrows waxed, and get caught back up on bills, and be able to do things so I'm not such a hermit anymore.
I can't sleep.
I'm kind of irritated right now because I have heart burn from bean dip..
And i really want grapes and apples and tums.

Oh and here is one of the only things that made me laugh today, other than Mike making some little mexican girl that was only like 2 years old start screaming..

Mike: I don't like the word beat down.
Me: It's two words.
Mike: Not if you put them together.

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