I am in a very dark and lonely place.

I reach out for help and no one helps. they just make me feel so much fucking worse. my doctors won't give me the time of day. I can't figure out how to get my medical records. the doctor office transfers me to the wrong place to request them. so in trapped with this group of incompetent assholes.

my friends just tell me to get a therapist. they don't visit they don't call. I guess I really am on my own. were they ever really friends in the first place? I feel like literally no one gives a fuck about me. this baby has brought up so many emotions about my past that I thought were dead and buried.

like ... my parents really honestly didn't think I was a good investment, and decided to pour their time and money into my brother. who is 40 and has never moved out, has no future. my husband's family felt the same way and forced his actions to basically abandon me when we were teenagers. then I spent 17 years in absolute misery just trying to find a break that I could stick my fingers into. all I found were rocks to crush my hands. and now I have my dream life, everything I always wanted, and I come to find out I'm just a fat old fucking hag that isn't worth the skin I live in.

I wish I had died at 21 like I planned. I wish I had died any of those nights I drank way too much. I wish I had just fucking disappeared and not been such a fucking bother to anyone. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't be breathing this air. I am such a fucking complete fucking waste of space.

I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I am hog tied and alone in a dark room. and I put myself here. I literally did this all to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm the instigator to my own fucking misery. I am so fucking alone. I am desolate. I am hollow. I am mold and slime and scum. a worthless sack of fat and bones.

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