Days Twelve and Thirteen
I missed a day because.. shit happens. Gratuity under the cut.

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I am starting to regret this living situation. Hopefully as time goes on it will get better. Really I just see so many little things that drive me crazy. Particularly that stupid excuse it seems all of my friends use when they really need to be taking care of themselves: "I can't afford any more medical bills." So basically what you're saying is you'd rather push everyone away, make your life a million times worse and never obtain the things you want because you refuse to get the mental help you need. It's not like your health will wait until you make more money. And in the mean time, while you're deciding not to get help because you are a selfish asshole, people around you are getting hurt, your family relationships are falling apart, and you are well on your way to a complete mental break, which will end up costing you far more money in the long run. But you're right, it's completely understandable that you don't want to spend $100 now (rather than on say, junk food or booze) and just pay $20,000 for your inpatient psychiatric care or have your family pay for your funeral. That makes total sense to me.

Really I just see so much of my 13 year old self in her. And as much as I want to help her, I know that when I was 13 you couldn't tell me what to do. I was just going to do it. The first step in getting better is having the desire to do so. Quite frankly, I think that some people (as one of them myself, in the past) really enjoy being depressed, low self-esteem whiners because it gets you some attention. Not really GOOD attention, but when you live your life hoping someone notices you, any attention feels good.

I just don't know how you can be 30 and still having all these pre-teen issues. It's been this long and you still aren't tired of feeling bad all the time?

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