godessalthena
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2013 30 April :: 12.46pm
We finally talked. Albeit a very brief talk, it really cleared the air. We both feel much better.
I've been so ridiculously tired lately. And cold. And I just want to curl into a ball and sleep forever. I don't want to get out of bed, or do my homework, or even put in the effort to communicate with people I love because it just is so exhausting.
I don't even try to cook anymore.
I'm hoping they finally put me on some medicine to help. Maybe then I can lose some weight. And do things.
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godessalthena
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2013 28 April :: 12.23pm
There is a reason I'd be mad. There is a metric fuck tonne of offline work to be done today and you want to skip because you know this.
I'm pretty fucking angry to be honest.
But I'm not going to guilt trip you.
You're an adult, you do your own thing.
But don't expect me to be happy for you.
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godessalthena
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2013 27 April :: 11.59pm
It's sad how one little prick can ruin your night.
I just hate how men are constantly controlling, spiteful, spoiled assholes. I just want to cut off all their dicks, throw them on a pyre and force them to watch it burn. I want to hear them crying and screaming, helpless. I want them to know what it feels like to be dominated and belittled for purely selfish and stupid reasons, and then be tossed aside like yesterday's refuse.
I have so much hatred and anger inside of me right now.
I need some mellow music.
I can't wait to see Bjorne tonight and hold him extra tight.
Fuck.
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godessalthena
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2013 22 April :: 8.12pm
:: Music: Always love
Where do you run to escape from yourself?
It's always amazing how the world can seem so perfect, beautiful, right. And then it suddenly turns into this disgusting carnival ride that you wish you could get off from. But you're alone, and everyone is standing and staring at you. Judging you. Being jealous of how fucked up your life is.
I'm sitting in this abandoned hallway at work. No one will find me here. I can sit and listen to my music and contemplate how everything got so incredibly fucked up in my mind.
I'm going to move out. I'm going to live by myself. I'm going to have sex. Whenever the fuck I feel like it. And I'm going to cry myself to sleep when I feel like it, without worrying that I'll wake someone up who cares that I'm crying myself to sleep.
I hate this constant flux between good and wretched. I hate how I feel so immaculate, happy, eager to live one moment and the next I just want to cry and scream and break defy beautiful thing I've ever made. I feel like if I wasn't as intelligent I would have become a drug addict by now. I can see the appeal of a chemical that just makes you feel good. And then doing anything to get that good feeling back. Such a huge distraction from how seriously fucked up you are in your mind.
It's painful, seeing how my life is going in this ridiculously positive direction, but my mind seems to be degrading. What do I do? How can I fix this?
Music seems to be the cure.
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godessalthena
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2013 21 April :: 12.34am
Tonight FUCKING SUCKS.
I just want it to be bed time so I can try again tomorrow.
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godessalthena
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2013 19 April :: 1.37am
I never wanted a gay man before now
This fucking sucks.
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godessalthena
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2013 15 April :: 10.20am
Sometimes I worry I'm turning into an addict.
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godessalthena
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2013 9 April :: 12.34am
:: Music: Move along
It's surreal how things are falling into place.
In the past 25 years, this month has been the most pivitol.
And I'm trying not to over think or under think.
I'm terrified and bursting with excitement.
I just have a hard time wrapping my head around what's happening.
I'm being pulled in a million directions and I have no compass to show me which way to go.
All I can do is buckle down and enjoy the ride.
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godessalthena
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2013 7 April :: 1.32am
Crushed up sleeping pill is making my tongue numb.
Love-like feelings numbing my heart.
Helping to wash away the tears of heartbreak and disappointment.
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godessalthena
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2013 6 April :: 10.49am
Whelp.. my phone is dead for now. Which is extremely depressing. I feel so naked without it.
I have an apartment viewing today, but with the possibility of needing to buy a new phone in conjunction with a few other things, I don't know if I can afford to move out just yet.
I'm so tired. Blegh.
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godessalthena
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2013 22 March :: 10.18am
Reconnecting.. And it's going so well. I have been trying not to over analyze, but it's challenging. I've been trying not to look into the logistics either, as I feel if anything is going to happen, ways will present themselves (well, ideas anyway).
It is surreal, almost absurd, but I can't help but feel excited and eager. I'm terrified I'll seem over eager, and I don't want to do that..
I also try not to worry about how I've changed. I'm still just as good, if not better on a personality level.. And I'm still as cute. Everything else can be changed. And confidence has definitely grown since then.
Let's just hope for the best. Who knows? Maybe good news will work its way into all these plans.
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godessalthena
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2013 17 March :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: angry
Dear Leo,
Once I get my necklace, I'm done with you.
There were so many things I wanted to say to you. But I'm just not made out of poison like I wish I was.
So this is where I'll say everything I need to.
You were always so concerned I was lying to you. You were the one lying the whole time. I should have seen it was you feeling guilty driving you to ask me and prod me and antagonize me about it. I know we weren't together, but seriously you basically fucking cheated. You knew the whole time you were just passing time til the one you wanted said jump. And yet you failed to ever fucking mention that. All you said was "I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone", which is oddly void of any truth what-so-ever.
Ultimately it was my own damn fault becoming infatuated with you. Because I knew you were just a baby in a man's body (a seemingly all-too-common trait of the people I meet anymore). I just broke up with someone who had Peter Pan syndrome. I, of all people, should have seen the signs.
I guess I was just excited to connect with someone. It's so rare that I meet anyone I can just be myself around. And I was hoping we could actually just be friends. But I was just a stupid girl, diluting herself that a man could actual be friends with a woman.
You say over and over you don't want to hurt me and you didn't mean to treat me poorly, but really, you did. You knew the whole time you were going to hurt me. I even tried to end it when we fought over some bullshit. And you pushed to keep it going like a selfish prick. Then you met my friends. And then you just pushed me out the fucking window once that chick walked into the room.
I just want my necklace back. That's it. Then I'm done with you and your selfish self.
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godessalthena
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2013 15 March :: 1.30am
So this is probably just a mixture between exhaustion, hang over, and not taking my pill, but I feel like so many horrible things.
And when I'm here I always try to comfort myself by convincing myself this is how I've always wanted to feel.
I'm a bad human being. That's really what it boils down to. I feel like even when I'm being genuine it's somehow cheapened by the mere fact that I'm sub-human. I can't do anything for anyone without feeling like I have some unknown alterier motive.
I disgust myself on so many levels. It's fucking incredible.
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godessalthena
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2013 12 March :: 10.48pm
I'm not a fan of my swinging emotions. But I'm in a better place now that I was before.
Wednesday is going to be awesome. Just sayin'.
Hanging out, watching Samie get her hair did, getting my bonus/raise, then drinks in a double date setting and then lots and lots of hotel sexy time. Fuck. Yes.
I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty cool to be me.
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godessalthena
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2013 9 March :: 9.15pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
Descending into crush-induced madness.
Sometimes it's hard to think straight. I make bad choices. I do silly, stupid things.
And I need some reassurance and a slap in the face.
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