Kiss Me

:: 2004 26 July :: 11.02am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: i got u babe

brrrrr. i'm outta florida thank goodness. =)
heyyy people. updating this journal from ---> chicago =)

we got here sometime around 1pm yesterday. the flight was smooth. we got off... got our luggage after waiting awhile cause the luggage door was stuck & they couldnt remove the luggage from the plane. grr. but papa picked us up & we went to Nikobee's for lunch. i coulda gone for some traditional real white castle, but eh... w/e. then we went to grammy's work & looked at houses to buy. we found one we really liked, its 2 story with a basement n its b-e-a-u-tiful. i shoulda took pictures of it, but i left the camera in the car. anyways... afterwards, we went to visit uncle joey & everyone. it's chilly up here. nothing like florida. everything is made of wood & bricks... it looks like the 1970's all over again, and it felt like it too when papa was playing his oldies music in the car. but yeah.... so we went to uncle joeys... i saw little milly & maddy all grown up, they're like s0o adorable & they look like twins.... then there is matt who is 16 & acts like my brother. i find that sick, but i talked to him & his friends for awhile... i didn't find out the name of the cute boy cause he was kinda quiet, but there was courtney who is carls girlfriend, which sux cause carl is cute hehe. but matt.... idk he's like my brother... the pictures make them look cuter than they really are lol. anyways stacey should be coming home 2night or 2morrow. so i'm excited to see her. omg lil' brandon = adorable.... but he has this obsession with pitching butts. kinda scary. he pitched my butt like a million times... n it hurts lol, but he is so cute. n lil' chris is adorable too. & he's sweet & funny. auntie mary & chris are funny as hell. aunt paula is kinda weird, but she is sweet. anyways... i'm sitting here on the computer cause i am waiting for my mom to finish getting ready before we go pick up some starbucks & head to pick up auntie trixie & go to portabello's for lunch =D i just lost a ton of weight from cheerleading and i get to gain it all back. ha. nice stuff. anyways.... it is an hour earlier here than it is over by u guys in florida. =/ but i have to give jonah a call tonight, and ashley.... ur letter is in the mail <33 o it doesn't look like i can go to hollister to shop..... its farrrrr away from here. in the woodfield mall which sux. o well <3 hope u enjoy the rest of ur humid summer.... cause the rest of mine is gonna be kinda chilly, and we don't even know when we are going to be leaving here... just praying i will be home on the 7th for the orientation. <3333333

4 Under the stars... | Where?

:: 2004 26 July :: 12.09am

god free will sucks...
Sometimes I wish I was compleately driven by animal instinct (tho I am my fair share lol) but seriously I am the most aweful person at making decisions. It all comes back to my rear of regret thing....no matter what I decide is wrong and it gets to the point where I don't want to move...I'm afraid to breathe for fear of some miniscule movement reaking havoc on my life. It's like the chaos theory a butterfly flaps it's wings and a hurricane blows a hemisphere away, small things have great effects and each of us is a microcosmic universe, and sometimes it seems that the simplest of sentences, a few mere breaths of dialogue can send entire planets spinning out of alignment.

But really the analogy makes perfect sense...every move we make somehow brings us closer to our own entropy you cannot escape it for every imaginable thing is a decision even if it really is as simple as the decision to stand still. And the worst part about it is...we know we know what is to become of us we know that we have options to weigh and risks to assess and it kills me (well metaphorically) making decisions terrifys me making a move of any sort and sometimes I think this decision to spend my life indecisive is the most wasteful contribution to my own entropy to my own death. I am wasting my life away and driving myself insane compleately utterly insane if you have read this far you should understand that by now. If you knew what this entry was really about you would tell me I was stalling and being indecisive and most of all you would tell me that you didnt see what one thing had to do with another and that god knows how my mind makes such connections and I dont even really know myself. Im just blindly typing in order to keep myself moving I have more thigs to say and more important things to be concerened with but for some reason this is all that is comming out maybe this is the easiest of my problems and I am making it seem bigger to take my mind off of theserious. Ok I am going to go and I am going to...idk of course i dont but I am going to stop this that I know.

end

:: 2004 25 July :: 4.25am

DELERIOUS!!
Updater�
Your entry is as follows:

Today was really awful.
I got out of bed really early because my mom was yelling at me.

I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so sad. My kitten got run over this afternoon. I found him when I was coming home from school. His head was all squished. I took some photos. I'll miss him. Poor kitty.

Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.

I want to tell the world to get fucked.

I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, which makes me different enough to be interesting, but the same as all the other cool people with bipolar disorder.

its 4 in the fucking morning and if you possess half a fucking brain cell u should have figured this entry out...

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.

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:: 2004 24 July :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: rejected
:: Music: la la // ashlee simpson

you make me wanna la la in the kitchen on the floor. <333
today was the last day of cheer camp. awesome fun. talked to mike this morning, n worked on stunts most of the day... um... i didn't do much of anything else. we threw mike up into a basket toss... which i have a picture of. haha. and then for lunch, karen, me, brittany, michelle, heather & angie decided to get some chili's for some drink stealin'. lol. umm... then, we finished up practice & i finally got home.. and packed & jackie came over then i showered n we headed to the mall. afterwards we came back & ate some food & doug called jackie. since he had nothing to do, we picked him up @ taco bell... after jackie wanted to repeatedly take left's lol. umm... so we all came to my house... jackie hit doug in the eye with a marker & we laughed at dead baby jokes... which was filthy. doug beat me up with my pillows... & ummm we just had fun talking. but yeah... that was my night, they just left like around 11:40 which was like 5 minutes ago. and hmmm. now i am talking to jonah, who is now going out with whitney = awwww <3 congrats. but, i need to wash up & get my rest so i can sit on the airplane for awhile. ya know... i'm not sure when i'm coming back... but i have a performance on the 7th so my dad wants to leave like... the 5th s0o we can be home on the 7th? idk but its bedtime now... and if carol gets me my dooney & burke purse, i willllllll be happy for the next... month. who needs a boyfriend if u have clothes & purses? lol <3 bye byes

1 Under the stars... | Where?

:: 2004 23 July :: 2.32pm

Nice Day...
This morning I had to get up early cuz I had a doctors appointment . I swear to god my mom said I had to leave at 8:45 but she really meant 8:15 so I had 10 minutes to get up and get dressed. Yeahhh so afterwards we were near west palm so we had breakfast in the most adorable place ever it was this artist's cafe and they had little tables with cool antique furniture and art all over the walls and art books everywhere and we were practically the only people there.

Afterwards we went to city place just as the stores were opening and it was really quiet. I did some major shopping it felt soooo good. I got the prettiest outfit from white house black market and another shirt along with earrings and shoes to match. They were having a really good sale. I love that store everything is so classy and elegant I wish I had an excuse to dress up all nice everyday. I'm going back for my homecomming dress.

Then I went to macy's and got these BCBG capris that are dark red (of course) and a couple of really cute shirts. I also got one of those chunky plastic bracelets to go with the outfit I had bought earlier. idk my mom was in a really good mood this morning for some reason.

Yeah so then we came home and I played with all of my clothes some more and my mom left for her doctors appointment....I hope everything is ok with that : \ don't really wanna talk about it...

anyway just another pointless entry

love to all

~*Jess*~

boricuababy

:: 2004 23 July :: 10.39am
:: Mood: smiley
:: Music: Toss It UP

i'm coming home on mondayyy!!!
hey buddies!! hope everybodyz enjoying themselves and having fun!! i miss u all..:(..wen i get back we gotta chill..emir sent me this really cute email..sayin he misses me and all..he apologized too..so thatz straightened out..i dunno if i mentioned this..but i found a dress!! itz really pretty..a really light blue..itz long..to the floor long..tz hard to describe but itz so0o pretty..it's a lil dressier than i has wanted but i fell in love with it..lol..i bought shoes to go with it..so im set..my mom already made all the appointments..hair appointments..nail appointments..all that good stuff..i finally convinced my mom to let me get acrylics too..i cant wait till the party!!..itz gettin closer n closer..:D..so yea i get home on monday..in the afternoon..we're takin the train..which sucks..i didnt like the train last time we went..oh well..alrighty guys!!..talk ta ya so0n..x0x0

3 Under the stars... | Where?

:: 2004 22 July :: 9.03pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: surrender // ashlee simpson

open up your eyes, don't u know u only get one life.
cheer camp was eh. but omg omg. i got my backhand spring on the cheese mat, by myself & 2morrow the dude from UCA is gonna help us with tumbling... i hope i can get it on the floor with a spot. =D i'm so intimidated with all the other girls' skills though. gosh, jealousy.

when i got home, i went straight to bed. i couldn't even bring myself to the bathroom to shower lol. but when i woke up, that's the first thing i did. =D

so my mom was talkin' to Cheri Hood from work. & Cheri was talking about how spoiled i seem because when i work... if there is nothing to do, i rest my head on the counter. & my mom was telling her to just tell me to get to work... but shit.. i work harder than half those people there... plus i got shit outside of work that i do... i won't dedicate myself to that fucking place. w/e.

so i'm thinking about going to get therapy. i don't think i can do this alone anymore. i hate sitting in camp or practice & getting those looks like "who wants u over here?" and stuff. idk i gotta find my independence in this world because i have this feeling that i'm bound to be alone. like... i don't even have a shoulder to cry on. whatever.

theroofisonfire

:: 2004 22 July :: 10.01am
:: Mood: deeply saddened

i've really been avoiding something. and i NEED to tell you guys, but i dont know how. tonight i will but i dont think anyone is as disappointed as i am.

5 Under the stars... | Where?

:: 2004 21 July :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: love makes the world go round // ashlee simpson

when you say love makes the world go round. ---> my broke heart has no f*ing use.
....today i woke up at 9ish... somehow i ended up in my mom's bed? perhaps i was sleep walking... i do not know. but anyways, i threw on some clothes & went to the mall. my mom got her haircut & while she was doing that my sister & i walked around the mall. i finally got the ashlee simpson cd. its hot shit. some songs remind me of hilary duff though. =/ n other people say it reminds them of avril. *shrug* whatever.

so when i got home... i talked to jonah over the phone... and then... got off the phone with him & fell asleep. the stupid thunder & lightning woke me up. then later... our new suburban rolled up in our driveway. damn its so hot that i just wanna hump it lol. its like... got a dvd player / tv with wireless headsets to listen to the sound. then we have XM radio, on star, we are getting limo tint 2morrow & when we get back from vacation my dad is buying 24's for it. awesomenesssss! omg it is so hot. so we took it over to my mom at work, and of course i got to drive, and like... mike came out with my mommy & him & i talked while mommy checked out the suburban. omg awesome. n then... i came home... then we ran out to get wendy's but i didn't eat. wasn't hungry. then i came home & watched simple life two. omg i love that show, holy shit. u f*ing rock, lol. u silly bitch. that's hot. XXX. omg baseball players are f*ing beautiful and like.... i want them so badly. nicole reminds me of my attitude.... not nice. o well. haha. i love paris. she is so cute. anyways i gotta get to bed, 2morrow is our first day of camp. haha! woot. only laura, chelsea & nikki aren't going =/ o well, me, michelle, n karen n angie will have fun. <3 bye bye

2 Under the stars... | Where?

:: 2004 21 July :: 4.43pm
:: Mood: happy/tired

Interesting day at the beach...
So Jimmy and I actually went to the beach today I didn't think it was gunna happen for some reason idk, but yeah it was nice seeing him since I haven't since the last day of school and it was also nice not having to sneak around in order to hang out like we used to.

Yeah so he came to pick me up and calls me halfway into my neighborhood to tell me that one of my neighbors up and died or something and there was like 2 ambulences in the middle of the street and he was all pissed off. For a split second when he said one of my neighbors was dead I thought he meant that there was just a dead guy in the middle of the street and he was calling me to bitch instead of calling the cops. lol c'mon it would have been a little funny. Then it got me thinking that like, what if we treated people who get hit by cars like roadkill. No one goes a picks up dead ducks off the road what if they just left a person in the middle of I-95 to just keep getting run over....I'm sorry those are sick morbid thoughts that shouldn't amuse me so much. Oh yeah and he also forgot all of his pictures from Europe to show me which was like one of the main reasons we were gunna hang out today lol.

Anyway we chilled at the beach for a while there were no waves whatsoever and the sun would only stay out for like 10 minutes at a time but it was fun watching jimmy's attempts at skimboarding especially when the water was so still. He kept falling on his ass and asking me how it looked like it looked any different each time it was pretty entertaining though. He was like yeah i'm gunna teach you now and he kept trying to get me to do it but after seeing what a dumbass he looked like I decided to pass, plus i'm sure if I fell at least one half of my bathing suit would have fallen with me and there were like 3 guys right near us watching lol. We started talking about our plan again to take a roadtrip through Europe together when we graduate it will be so great if we actually pull that off.

We were leaving when we ran into Jimmy's friend Barret and some chick I think I knew in middle school Barret wanted to try out the skim board so we hung out with them for a little bit before attempting (and yes i said attempting) to leave.

Yeah so we decided that the day world war III breaks out Jimmy and I are going to be hanging at the mall or something because us together is just the worst combination for bad luck. He goes to the beach all the time but today was the ONE day he had to lose his keys in the water. We ended up sitting in the back of his truck waiting for his dad to bring a spare for almost an hour. It was pretty funny actually.

Yup so he brought me home and got all molested by my dog lol and now I need to go eat something and take a shower so I'll write later.

~love~

2 Under the stars... | Where?

boricuababy

:: 2004 21 July :: 12.49pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: How Do U Want It??

it's still raining...
still wid the grandparents..nothing exciting has really happened..the rain makes me sleepy and i'm feelin lazy..it's 12 something and it looks like itz 7 p.m outside..i've been sleeping in late..that only adds on to the laziness..i'm bored..home alone right now..jon is over my aunt stephanie's house..he went there last nite to hang out with the kids..everyone else is workin..tonite we might go to the movies..prolly to watch spiderman 2..i told nico i'd take him to see it..so i feel bad..i'll take him wen i get back..this weekend im going to hang out with kristina and her friends..they're koo..we gonna go to busch gardens..hopefully this weather clears up by then

:: 2004 21 July :: 1.07am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: she will be loved // maroon 5

100 random things that i bet you never knew about me...
1. people can explain my feelings better than i can.

2. my middle name is Kristine & i wish it had been my first name.

3. i don't mind Briana, but i love when people call me Bri.

4. shopping, cheerleading & talking to boys are my only forms of therapy.

5. i love my friends in many different ways, yet, i couldn't categorize any of them as my best friend because they are all amazing.

6. i hate people who talk a lot about shit that i technically don't care about.

7. music is my comfort and i love to write my own lyrics.

8. but i would much rather be an actress because it has been my dream since day one.

9. i think that god punished me in 5th grade with chicken pox because i believe that if i didn't have the scars now, i would be too pretty for my own good.

10. my prettiness would bring me fame and things, and i don't think god wanted to put my family in the spotlight.

11. i rarely find myself being insecure, but everyone has their insecurities.

12. i'm really not ready to announce this... but i have tried to follow the tactics of bulimia and aneroxia.

13. solemnly believe that i didn't do it because i am uncomfortable with myself... but i've done it because i get caught up in believing since i am skinny, i should be that way.

14. this summer has been the worst for me... my cat was put to sleep, my boyfriend broke up with me, my parents have been threatening to send me away, i have indulged in eating disorders, and i am going to a new school ---> hopefully to find that friend connection that i've been dying for.

15. i am sickeningly independent on the inside.

16. i don't depend on boys, because they come and go, and i believe i'm decent looking enough to have enough confidence that i can find more.

17. i'd rather hang out with a buncha guys anyday, i find it hard to make friends with girls unless its a group like nikki, chelsea, & michelle who i can just be crazy with & stick together.

18. i'm horrified of alcohol & cigarettes, and i don't wanna be peer pressured into trying pot, just because i might give in and i don't want to.

19. my mom smokes cigarettes & i want to puke everytime i think about it, but my dad does pot with his friends.

20. i'm not afraid of the future... i just don't wanna grow up, i like being 16.

21. my family prefers that i was 4 years old again, because i was much easier to deal with.

22. but my dad's anger reaches so high towards me these days that he enjoys throwing objects like forks to my tummy & remotes to my head, only to say a weak, unacceptable "i'm sorry" to me afterwards.

23. i believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason, and you should never attempt to bring your past into your future... there is no need to let history repeat itself.

24. mr. g taught me that.

25. i loved him, along with mrs. stoughton, they got me to enjoy eighth grade.

26. i'm not conceited, just very comfortable with the way i look and act... i blame jonah for that lol.

27. i get eager to say "i love you" to people.

28. so don't be scared, i just like to say it, in hopes i can hear something meaningful, in response, coming from people's mouths.

29. i've only been jealous of britney spears, & the hot people of hollywood, because i could have had that lifestyle, yet i am so in denial.

30. nobody loves me the way i want them to, but i know, that doesn't mean they don't love me at all.

31. personally, i don't think people should have regrets.

32. i dream so much, that i could stay in bed all day & think about doing so many enjoyable things, and be happy the rest of the day, because i can pretend like i did them.

33. i get cold very easily, same with being hot.

34. i can't be mean to ANYBODY, but there are people that i just don't like, yet they have no clue because i am sweet to them.

35. i don't like when someone i care about is even slightly pissed at me.

36. i get nervous, my hands shake, and i tend to throw up.

37. politics confuse me, so i tend to not listen to them, i just want to vote for president and be done with it.

38. half of the time, i forget who is running the country anyways.

39. i don't believe in a family... technically, you are forced to live with strangers from birth & you grow up and learn about them & are forced to say you love one another because you live with them and they are labelled as family.

40. but what if you were too busy being punished and hurt to get to know your dad?

41. i am ashamed of my dad because of his temper, my mom = because she smokes, my sister because she snaps back, and my brother because he is into drugs and is wigger - ish.

42. i love my dad because he has given me so much, but he's too busy to give me his time. my mom, i love her because she will do anything for me and i can spend time and talk to her. my brother, i love him because him and i can be stupid without fighting. my sister, because she n i are just wonderful together.

43. i procrastinate, and i tend to not get things done, but i always seem to come out as the over achiever... or just on top.

44. what i wouldn't do to be a top priority in someone's life.

45. i admire --> britney spears, mariah carey, whitney houston, my mom, carol, eminem, ryan, & jonah.

46. i want two kids, but i can't see myself being married.

47. i pretend to be spoiled, but i'm not.

48. always found that school was a waste of my time.

49. tend to learn more reading and doing the work at home than in school.

50. i fear nothing but death.

51. it's not that i couldn't handle IB, i just wasn't comfortable there, at atlantic.

52. i adore sleep, but i can't stand sleeping in my own bed. but i have my teddy that i ALWAYS sleep with.

53. i'd rather sleep in someone else's bed, just because it's not "mine".

54. i wish to attend UCF because of cheerleading... and psych. and hema and jonah.... etc.

55. for some reason, i'm not eager to find a guy to love me, like everyone else is in dying need to feel a guy's arms around them.

56. the best way to ruin a relationship is to rush into one and start it off.

57. i know this is none of your business, but my period is irregular because of how fast my body weight changes.

58. i love the feeling of being alone and independent.

59. i have so many hopes and dreams but none of them have ever came true...

60. deep inside, everyone is the exact same... and that's how i know i can relate to everyone.

61. i grew up wayyyy to fast because i've always hung out with older people.

62. i miss bret daniel.

63. "she will be loved" by maroon 5 is my latest favorite song.

64. i've always wanted to have sex with him, but because we broke up, i'm glad i didn't.

65. i don't know if i can wait until marriage, but i'd love to.

66. my favorite words in the world are: fruit, doushe bag, and kinky.

67. i never realize when i'm being taken advantage of.

68. this 100 thing is getting harder than i thought.

69. i've always wanted green eyes, but lately, i'm thinking twice about them.

70. i love collecting and counting change.

71. but i don't like the way change smells & how it leaves your hands smelling.

72. i never liked taking pictures until i saw the ones that brittany took of me back in December 2003.

73. i wish danielle & brittany didn't have to grow up. i'm still ready to make more franklin tapes & water balloon fights...

74. if i ever get a boyfriend, i want to go out and have fun, but be able to hang around the house during the day & watch movies and munch, plus it'd be nice if he became friends with my parents.

75. i will never forget when brett came over and watched football on t.v. with my dad a few years ago.

76. with the millions of guys that i have went out with... i've always seemed to have had... MY heart broke.

77. somehow i am still standing here today... and i'm not depressed and i don't have suicidal thoughts. i've had my heart broken... more than 11 times.

78. i love listening to other people's problems, but i feel guilty when i don't have any advice or any comments, i just like listening.

79. i miss my cat. and when my dog goes away... i'll miss her too.

80. ever since the day i was born my cat was in my life... she was 18, and had the same birthday as me.

81. ...my mom has the same birthday as me.

82. my cat was my only comfort.

83. i feel helpless for my mom... i want her to be happy & active like she used to be. work wears her out.

84. i think the weirdest things are hot.

85. i love my feet.

86. and my tummy.

87. you don't have to tell me twice... i have a big apple bottom, and if i sit on you, and you become a pancake... i'm truly sorry.

88. i don't like to read. i want to read, but unless the author puts the middle of the book in the beginning of the story... i won't enjoy it.

89. i don't think i would have a problem putting in contacts because i always touch my eyes, and i don't even blink, nor is it complicated.

90. i do love the ninety's.

91. my favorite numbers are all odd. 3, 19, 21, 69, 91.

92. i love accessories, and my favorite one would be either bracelets or purses.

93. i would die for a yorkshire terrier.

94. if someone tapped my butt repeatedly when i was a little girl... i would fall asleep.

95. there are such things as miracles.

96. i wish nobody had to die.

97. you are my support.

98. he has made me a better person, and i can't explain how much thanks i have for him and how much respect i have for him.

99. cheerleading is my anti-drug....

100. and so are you. i love you.

good night homie. xoxo <3

theroofisonfire

:: 2004 20 July :: 12.51pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: the washing machine humming

so i've ignored this journal thng for a little bit but what are you going to do? lets stop with the small talk.

the other day plans for coming back were going sooo great and i was feeling good about them too. my mom called my hosts (most of you probably know who they are) and everything was looking even better and stuff. but then theres a personal family thing that comes up with them (i really dont think i should say what) and we should get a call today from them with the news. i have faith that you'll see me in the near future. in the flesh. lets pray.

and omg Lance Armstrong! idk if you guys have been watching the tour de france but he is amazing. definitely in the top 3 athletes of all time. Sunil and i said Lance, Michael Jordan, and Pel� (the soccer player) were the top 3 (in no order) but its definitely arguable about who else can be there (Wayne Gretzky, Muhammid Ali, lets not forget Jackie Joyner-Kersee or Mia Hamm maybe even Chris Evert?)

ok so maybe thats all i REALLY REALLY hope to see you soon, i'm tired of waiting and tired of making you wait, if you're waiting at all.

i had sports team pictures i wanted to scan but the quality came out super bad.