:: 2005 25 July :: 3.49 pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

:: 2005 23 July :: 7.05 am

Tainted.
Nothing will ever be the same.

I can't feel like I used to. All I want to do is go back a week and change everything.

I want to feel wanted. Like I'm the only one. Like I'm not only good enough, but I'm so much more. Not settled for.
I want to feel the security I felt a few days ago.
So cherished and loved.
But, everything's gone.
And I feel empty and sad.

His company doesn't even soothe me anymore because I feel worthless.
I hate myself.
Attachment is the worst disease. It makes you do stupid shit.

I feel stupid, like a pushover. People can just hurt me and get away with it because I feel so fucking strong and I care so fucking much.

I'm ruined. I feel like that spark of happiness and optimism is gone. My mind is poisoned with that image that won't go away.
Him and her..

I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I am what I never wanted to be.

Things will never be the same.
I don't feel pretty anymore. I'm not confident with my body anymore.
When we kiss I don't feel special. That feeling of complete happiness is lost and replaced with him and her together. I'm not special or the only anymore. I'm just another.
And all of this makes me sick to my stomach.

I want true love and perfection. What I thought I had.
My future looks like a series of huge mistakes.

I have never cared so much about someone that has hurt me so much. I can't help it. I know what I should do, but I can't do it. I've fallen in love with someone who doesn't feel how they used to. Something left them.. and here I am..being more in love than ever.

"Go with your heart."
Nothing has ever been so wrong.
Don't.

Be careful.
Think.

Be willing to get hurt, 'cause you will.

Everyone is a liar.

:: 2005 20 July :: 10.05 pm

Please just be happy for me and don't think I am a dolt.
God.. I can finally breathe.

So, we're back together.. sort of.
We talked for a few hours and we decided that we need to work on everything. We both need to change and make our relationship better to keep it stronger.

We're going to take everything slow and slowly get to being normal again.
It's not like everything is solved and we're completely happy.
We need time.

All I know is that losing him would be the worst possible thing that could happen to me at this point.
All the rumors have been cleared. Every little question has been answered. [Edit:The rumors were true. And the answers were false.]
It's not perfect and I'm not all joyous, but I'm much, much better.
I can finally stop crying and just eat something.

Thank you for all the support. Especially from the people I didn't expect it from.

I'm still kind've a wreck and complete drained of all energy.. but it'll fade and hopefully I, no we can just be happy again.

I love you.


On a side note, thank you most of all to Matt. You've been here the most. And today was awesome. What a good fucking talk. I mean, you even got burned by a McDonalds employee.
Digi mon! Digital monsters!

Also, Erika.. thank you for calling me. :)

6 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 20 July :: 1.53 pm

Save me.
I've called everyone I know or they know to try and find him.
I left three messages begging him to call me back, only to find the phone to be turned off when I tried again. I figured my annoyance would be enough of a bother for him to just fucking talk to me.
I'm sure he cheated on me.
I know he lied to me.
I have no idea where the fuck he stayed last night.
It's like he was waiting to be single so he could just go back to being a piece of shit low life.
I tried to save him, because his friends are too fucking selfish to support him being a better person. And realize that there is a time to grow up.
It's not that I dislike any of his friends personally. I do like them, I just wish they would help him be better.
I've found that I've never loved someone as much as this and that I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. And now it's gone forever and I'm going to spend months crying, trying to just not waste away to nothing.
I loved him.. so fucking much. And what do I get? I get cheated on, lied to, and betrayed.
After one stupid fight.

I want to die.

It's fucking insane how things change so much.
True love? Bullshit.
You're the one person I thought would never hurt me. Ever!

I can't do anything.
I tried to sleep, I just cried.
I tried to eat, I just got sick.
I try to occupy my time with this stupid fucking computer and t.v. but nothing helps. I wish my memory could just be erased and I could be ok again.
I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying and I was too weak from not eating for two days.

I've never been so hurt in my life.
I can't believe you ruined me.

I'm a complete and total wreck.

Yours forever?
Forever must not be too long.

You ruiend everything. I didn't even get to expierence half of what a real relationship is. There was so much ahead of us that I was looking forward to.

Now what?!
What the fuck do I do!?!

15 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 20 July :: 6.42 am

I've never felt so low and alone.

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying.
I can't even catch my breath to just breathe.
I feel like I'm constantly going to throw up.

Everywhere I look there's something that is his or reminds me of him.
Everything I do reminds me of him.
I can't escape and I feel so betrayed, angry, used, stupid, lied to!

The worst thing is, is that he doesn't care at all.
He's taking it fine.. while I'm here fucking dying.

He was like my God damn air and you can't have that just be with you one second and gone the next.
And I can't ever get him back. And that.. kills me more than anything ever could.

I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
I know it's only been one day, but I can't take it.
One day is way too much.

I don't know what to do.

:: 2005 19 July :: 4.25 pm

Tears staining my face.
I knew it couldn't last.

11 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 10 July :: 3.49 pm

Leave a comment if you're in any of my classes.

12 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 28 June :: 12.07 pm
:: Music: Cursive - Bloody Murderer

7 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 11 June :: 1.02 pm

I dreamt that I made out with Spiderman to save my life.
With the mask on and everything.

4 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 5 June :: 11.22 am

Happy Birthday Erika.. yesterday. I love you.

1 Comment | Comment?

:: 2005 3 June :: 12.06 pm

Remember.
These are some pictures from freshmen year to present. And my most recent quotes. Remember and enjoy.

Read more..

Quotes
I'll shit on your chest! -Jay Ruster

I am the Lincoln log master! -Bradley Blair

What kind of cat is it? -Liz Artecki
Dead. -Jay Ruster

I can hear you refusing to put pants on to your mom. -Lisa Leonard

I swallowed my poo. -Kate Shelton

Little poos in your mouth, what's not to love? -Liz Thornington

I'm all like, "Awwe." Then I see their face and I'm like, "Dear God!" -Stacy

I don't even know if dinosaurs exist! -Lisa Leonard

Think above your belt buckle! -Mr.Hazel

I love rubbing shit on my face. -Sydney

I shit and piss at the same time. -Jay Ruster

What's going down? -Ben Birk
Your mom! -Stacy

You have to call her in! (Her as in the dog) -Mom
Come on, dumbshit! -Dad

I abuse drugs! If Tylenol starts giving me shit I pour it down the drain! -Jay Ruster

I am gonna fuck you in the ass with my black mumba! -Jay Ruster

How hard is your dick, Brad? -Jay Ruster

You're putting on a licked shoe. -Lisa Leonard

If that whole hand theory is true about penises I think my penis would be all right. -Stacy

Do you think you're going to have sex with James? -Stacy
Probably.. -Jordan Porter
-pause-
Did you all ready have sex with James? -Stacy
Yes. -Jordan

It smells like sex in here! -Nate
How do you know what sex smells like? Are you fixing to fornicate? -Bradley Blair

I don't like guy porn. -Stacy
Oh, I forgot you don't like penises. -Bradley Blair

Hey, could you take me home? Oh, and a blowjob would be nice too. -Ron
There ya go. Just be casual, throw it in there. Be like, "Road head is fine too."-Stacy
That doesn't really work when she's the one driving. -Ron Wheaton

I used to look at porn all the time. Back when I found out the internet held infinite amounts of it I was like, 'I'm gonna see ALL of it!' -Ron Wheaton

Let's have a barbecue and invite everyone!! -Will
I'm going. -Mark
You're not going! -Will

I've tried to be nice, I can't. -My Dad

Vaginas have always confused me. -Stacy

You didn't expcet that did you, huh huh?! -Stacy
Ok, no Stacy I didn't expect to get jabbed in the eye with Chewbacca, ok? -Matt

13 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 30 May :: 4.35 pm

Two days.


two.fucking.days.

1 Comment | Comment?

:: 2005 18 May :: 5.48 pm
:: Music: Eisley

7 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 17 May :: 9.16 pm
:: Music: Eisley

Comment?

:: 2005 12 May :: 11.35 am

No school tomorrow, kids.


I had to talk to a cop about it because I was in the class when Ryan had it.
I don't want to deal with this shit, but it's understandable that I do. I just hope it doesn't turn into me having to testify in any court.
Bah..

6 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 7 April :: 10.52 am
:: Music: The Shins - Weird Divide

11 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 3 April :: 1.02 pm
:: Music: The Postal Service

Comment?

:: 2005 1 April :: 12.43 pm

Well, fuck me.
KATE or MATT
Call me at my house phone if you get online (and leave a God damn message).
696-0331

4 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 20 March :: 6.23 pm

Pathetic. You are truly pathetic.
I'm not gonna say I am surprised, because I'm not.
And I'm not going to say I am mad, because I'm not.
You think you have me with chat logs? Hah. You can edit those so easily. You act like they mean something. I can tell you right now that I remember every one of those conversations. The main idea of them that is. And I know what I said, and what you said. And what you posted are totally different from those. And you can send them the originals? Go right ahead, you can edit those too.
By posting this you just show how terribly desperate you are to get my friends on your side. Guess what? If they are mad, it will wear off. They can either believe what I say or what you say. Either way it won't make them like you. Every day is a new drama for you. You're jealous of everyone and you'll stop at nothing to get people to believe you. But, if people do believe you. Fine. I can live with it. It's just you causing more uneeded drama. Nothing new.

I am actually really glad this all happend, because now I don't have to hate you out of nowhere. I have an excuse. Thank you.

Gossip won't win you friends or make you less hurt. Remember that.
Oh, and he'll never love you.

[Edit: Any comment you make will be deleted. I'm trying to ignore your existance]

7 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 12 March :: 10.18 am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Against Me! - Cavalier Eternal

2 Comments | Comment?