Screwing who we screw.

:: 2006 15 February :: 9.36pm

Aww tonight was fun *smiles*.

Comment?

:: 2006 15 February :: 8.08pm

(I miss you all ready)
I am so happy. I can't get the smile off of my face ever since last night.

This is just what I needed.

:: 2006 14 February :: 11.30pm

I can't sleep.
I don't even know what to say. I really think you lied to me. It doesn't even make a difference though. You'll get what you wanted. I wont. End of story.

Well I've heard it all before and i'm tired of all the lies.

You definitely dissapoint me. So much.

I guess now I know how you feel.

Sorry.

4 Comments | Comment?

:: 2006 14 February :: 4.44pm

The things I thought you'd never know about me were the things I guess you always understood.

Comment?

:: 2006 13 February :: 2.06pm

You're my distraction.

:: 2006 12 February :: 4.40pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan

Today was such a weird/emotional day.

First, I went to church. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Not because I am Agnostic, but because it brings back bad memories. I stand there knowing that the person who used to stand next to me will never stand next to me there again. Or anywhere for that matter. The person I loved is gone and we'll never step into that place together like we used to. Growing and learning as one. Then I looked at my brother's wife, singing in the choir and my brother facing her singing in the crowd. They are such an amazing couple. They are so incredibly strong and in love. And they'll never divorce, cheat, or lie. They truly don't care about negative things or make them a part of their life. Yeah, they do bother me with their God stuff sometimes, but at least it works for them. At least they're happy. At least they are in love, and neither of them ever have to worry about lying between them. They are so strong, it's insane really.

I am happy for them, they're going to live a life I wish I could have.
Maybe I will some day.

Then we went to their apartment and my mom started talking about my dad and how he had some sort of attack the other day. He's dying and she said she's actually going to miss him. For so long she wanted him to die and now that he is, she wants him to live. She started crying and it made me feel horrible. After all the things he's done to her, us, and the entire family she still loves him and doesn't want to live without him. She loves that man so much and I have no idea why. Actually, I do...because once you love someone you can't stop. It doesn't matter what they've done or who they have become. You just love them. Just because.

I know, because I am there now.

The church service today was sad enough as it was. It was all about how to be good to your partner and how to get back to love if you're not in it now. Everything really hurt to hear, because I know our relationship could have lasted if only we did those things. If only I tried harder and he didn't do the shit he did. If only he wasn't who he truly is.

That's the only thing keeping me strong to not ever be with him again (not that I have a choice. He decided that for me a while ago). He cheated on me, he lied to me, and hurt me all of the time. And that's just who is he. He loves things too much that I can so easily live without. And that's where we differ. That's where I finally see that we would never make it. We're too different to ever exist as us.

That makes me want to cry.
But, at least I know now there has to be someone else. I can't stay stuck on someone like that. I will for a while, but my mind is too strong to go back to it.

If I knew he would never lie or cheat on me again I'd go back to him. I'd move to wherever the hell he ever ends up. But, I don't know and I'll never know anything. So, it's over and that's sad.

But, that's just me; sad.

tails

:: 2006 12 February :: 4.25pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Panic! At the Disco - Prolouge

FUCKING GOD!
i hate sundays so much. nothing to do but be alone and stuck in this house. everyone is always busy on sunday with god or something so they never want to hang so i end up dieing in this house. GAH. anyway so yeah someones a liar...wonder who it is.

11 Comments | Comment?

:: 2006 11 February :: 11.34pm

Shake that laffy taffy!
Swirl was fun. I'm glad I went, but my feet are in agonizing pain right now.

"I get fast really ready."
"This sad is so song."

I could not talk today..

[Oh, and pictures from Swirl and Spring Hill are soon to come]

Night ya'll.

9 Comments | Comment?

tesunai

:: 2006 10 February :: 5.12pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: adema - pain inside

eveytime i write in this thing its always bad, is there ever gunna be something good to write about... i really wish i had something good to right about.. but i dont and i wont for a long time.. cuz nothing good ever happens to me.. but i must find the bright side of things..i cant let these feelings i have destroy me. i cant change that im alone, ill always be alone, why cant i accept that, i was fine with being alone before why cant i be now..... i really am a pathetic creature..

Comment?

:: 2006 10 February :: 5.28pm

So I kind of have a differen't Spring Break plan. Lisa and I were going to go to Atlantis in the Bahamas this year but my dad decided that he want's us to go next year and it will be our graduation present so that's next year and he said he'll probably let us go by ourselves if we wait until next year so that's even better. He promised that we can go next year so i'm really excited for that. This year he wants us to stay in the U.S. haha so we are going to Florida. I'm pretty excited for that too. We can't decide which day we want to leave to go there. We have to leave Florida by April 7th because my grandma is going to go to where my family is from (Italy) so yeah she's pretty lucky she's going there.

So I guess that's really all. Spring Break isn't all that far away. I can't wait!!

5 Comments | Comment?

:: 2006 9 February :: 7.39pm

Every line makes me cry, 'cause every word was a lie.
There I go again, reading old journal entries.

I don't suggest doing that.

:: 2006 9 February :: 7.07pm

You drive me up the fucking wall. Ugghh.

Just be with me. Drive here, pick me up, tell me you miss me and that you'll never let me go again.

It's that easy. That's all you have to do.

It's just money. Realize that, please. It won't make you happy. I can't fucking believe you think that's the answer. It's just paper. Yeah, you need it to survive and the world revolves around money. Blah, blah... who gives a fuck.

It's not what you need. I am what you need. You're what I need.

When will you see that?

Sooner or later I will be moving on, because as much as I want to I can't wait around forever. I just can't.

:: 2006 8 February :: 10.19pm

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes you forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening now
Can't you see something's missing?
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say its okay
It's okay
It's okay

2 Comments | Comment?

:: 2006 8 February :: 5.03pm

Pictures:

Read more..

7 Comments | Comment?

:: 2006 7 February :: 10.44pm
:: Mood: TIRED

The Play
Mishy's comment:

Re:, 02-07-06 10:21pm
You did too, I'm very proud of you.

You're on your way.
Remember me when you're famous, and remember the knives stabbing your back if your turn it to the audience hahah :)

Mishy would always tell me that to prevent me from turning my back to the audience and it would always work, so thank you.

I'm sad the play is over just because it was fun while it lasted but i'm also glad it's over because I really am exhausted with the practices and everything. I'm tired. We all did it, it's over and done with. It was awesome tonight. The talent in our class is great. I think everyone did a good job.

I was a lot more scared tonight than last night. I knew a lot of people there so it made me nervous. I seen a lot of people who I haven't seen in a long time so that made me really happy.

There's nothing like that.

I just wanted to let you know that i'm really dissapointed in you.

I have to go to bed. I'm falling asleep here.

4 Comments | Comment?

:: 2006 6 February :: 9.30pm

The play was awesome. Good job to everyone. We all did wonderful!

I was so scared before my monologue. I kept going over my lines in my head and I would completely forget them. I thought I was going to throw up and I really didn't enjoy how close the audience was. H wanted it to be "personal" and it definitely was personal enough for me when people were not even a foot away from my face. I'm also proud of myself and I never missed a single line. I know I need to talk slower though but I just get so nervous I talk really fast.

Tomorrow is the last night of the play. Thank god. I'm so tired of practicing and staying up late to memorize my lines. I'm happy that it will be over and it was an expierence i'll never forget.

3 Comments | Comment?

:: 2006 6 February :: 9.18pm

THE PLAY.
What an awesome night.

The show went great. I am so proud of everyone. You guys are all amazing, seriously. For the amount of time we had to do this and all the stress we all went through.. I just can't believe we pulled it together. But, we did and I am so happy.

Yeah, I messed up a line. I was completely beating myself up over it. But, ya know what? For having a two page monolgoue and only messing up one line, I should be thankful. And when a few other people sort've messed up like I did, I didn't care and it didn't stick out in my mind. It was just normal and ok, so that helped me a lot. Some people said they noticed, but I picked it up so fast that it didn't matter. Others completely didn't notice, so whatever.

After the show a lady came up to me and told me that my scene made her cry and it was one of her favorites. That made me so happy.

Thanks for all the other compliments as well. Whoever showed up to support me/us: thanks. [Thank you Matt and Jake for coming. It's good to see some old friends]

One more night. I hope I don't mess up that line again, haha.

Oh, and H apologized and said that he was very proud of me. So, that helped.

I am good now. And not to sound full of myself in any way, but I am proud of myself, because from the start I didn't think I could do this. I didn't think I could memorize more than a line. I didn't think I could get up in front of all those people being only a few feet away.

But, I did.

3 Comments | Comment?

:: 2006 6 February :: 6.51am
:: Music: Tom Petty - Learning to Fly

What an amazing dream.
[Too bad I had to wake up]

Oh, and I have to stop tricking myself. I haven't met anyone worth my time yet. I am trying too hard to move on and that's stupid. Eventually I will and it will be with the right person at the right time. Until then I have to accept that there's no one and it's ok that there isn't.

I'm trying.

:: 2006 5 February :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: Tired/Exhausted
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World-Futures

Spring Hill was definitely amazing.

I don't really know how to explain it. I guess I basically just have a new outlook on everything.

I'm so tired and I feel like my arms are going to fall off. We were supposed to only have 16 girls in our cabin but somehow we ended up with 22 girls so a lot of us had to share beds. My cabin consisited of Brittany, Lisa, Me, Emily S, Dani, Megan, Annalise, Brittani, Lindsey, Janie, Sam, Kendra, Amber, Trisha, Pam, Ari, Erica, and then a few other people but I don't know all their names. It was so much fun in our cabin. I don't think any of us really slept much. Emily and I laughed all night so we kept a lot of people up.

We all went tubing a lot. I mean a lot, a lot. We went last night at midnight and we had 6 girls plus Austin and Bruce and we only had three tubes for all 8 of us. We all had to pile on and I was always on top of everyone because I was the lightest and I thought I was going to fall off and die. Lisa and I both fell off once but I didn't die though. It was a scary thing.

We won broomball again. Exciting? I know.

Ummm i'm trying to think of more stories....oh yeah..last night it was like almost 1am and I was taking a shower and then I came out of the bathroom and Austin, Cory, and Tyler were all standing there and they chased me and everyone got into a snowball fight.

The speaker was amazing. I could relate to almost everything he was saying. He made me laugh and cry basically all at the same time. The whole expierence changed me. I never really thought that going to something for one weekend could do that but, it does.

The band was awesome. Everyone knows why.

I can't really think of anything else right now but it was really awesome and if you didn't go this year then you should go next year. It's worth it, trust me.

I'll post Spring Hill pictures later.

I love you all.

4 Comments | Comment?