learning how to be a gamey boi so I can spend more time with my sweetie... so far so good. I don't mind being the worst as long as everyone is having fun.
I am feeling more optimistic than yesterday. I just really need an attitude adjustment at work, it's just hard when every day is a boring and redundant disappointment.
Why does no one want to marry me? Am I not good enough for it?
I shouldn't even be asking myself that question. I know I'm not good enough to be someone's wife. The men that I've been with have indicated that. The first, obviously. The second, pretty much there.
I have grown up in a society that has told me that that's all I'm good for. I've learned that I'm not even good enough for that. The little I must amount to...
I could settle and marry someone I don't love. I could be Cath. When will this flame of hope finally die inside me so that I can stop moving forward and resign to my fate to never get what I want in life? I hope it dies soon so that I can too.
feels like an eternity, I just want to run away now.
been eating like shit, feeling like shit, trying to remain positive. so exhausting "looking on the sunny side" all the time... but it's made a difference I guess.
good robot human unit, ya did good cold unfeeling robot arm. learned some stuff about other robot units at work... can I just say if that particular unit cannot take feedback/constructive criticism from people who only want them to succeed, I can only imagine the nightmare of being married to them...
or maybe they are this way due to their relationship, maybe the SO was constantly berating and criticizing them, so now that they are free, the habit dies hard.
I can't say I'm much different... I can't seem to trust anyone. I can't please myself over others. I can't say no when I want to without endless writhing guilt.
you make me feel lonely. you make me feel unimportant and insignificant. you make me feel trapped.
tomorrow is the big day... when I find out if I got the training job. I'm so nervous I can't sleep is like Christmas Eve when all you can think about is how your parents had to have gotten you that kitten this year is the year..... but deep down you know there is no kitten.
I am trying to remain optimistic. that my trip to Canada with emy will be a celebration vacation rather than that of defeat... I'm so excited getting pedicures then staying in a restort for a few days right on the ocean. I miss the ocean, I need the ocean again. I just hope this time I come back feeling better, because something has to give.
I just hope it isn't me.
now I just need to learn how to love someone again, and trust him, but it's just so damn hard to not be scared that I'm going to be hurt again
you make me cry sometimes baby and I wish ... I could move you like you move me sometimes ...
Oh, honey I'm worried 'bout you
You're too much to lose
You're all that I have
And, honey I'm worried 'bout you
Put yourself in my shoes
You're all that I have so please don't die
Wherever you are tonight
::
2019 13 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: The Best of Me - The Used
Most of the time I think of wonderful, exciting things to do, I just don't do them because I have no one to do them with. Concerts, movies, trips... I've missed out on so much shit. Then I try to do stuff alone and the enjoyment goes from possible 100 to like 12. It's just no fun by myself.
I happened across an old recording of this drum pattern I'd written for basement audio lab. It was a crappy demo version consisting of me tapping on my legs and kicking the mic stand. It was virtually unlistenable, with a horrendous click track going in the background. I was surprised to find the pattern came much more naturally to me this time around, and the click was not necessary. I just wanted to make a better recording of the part for future reference. I don't know what prog rock band I'm going to join someday that will have a need for a part in 7/8 time, but you never know. When the time comes, I guess I'll have this to contribute.
Doing fills in 7 is hard. It's not a natural thing to feel when you were raised on groups of 2 and 4. Most people understand 3, I guess. Waltzes and such. Sometimes you'll hear radio stuff in 6 (which is really just 2 groups of 3, or 3 groups of 2, depending). 5 and 7 are a lot trickier, since you're mashing a 2 and a 3, or a 4 and a 3, or 2 twos and a 3 together at once. Makes it harder to find the downbeat. Actually, what I really like to do is carry it over 2 measures, then the "down" beat becomes the "up" beat for the second measure, before it turns back around again.
I went to the KCCC meeting tonight
They were having elections. I am now officially Trustee #3 on the Board of Directors. Which is mostly an honorary title, but it was nice of them to include me.
I decided to celebrate at a place down the road ... with a poke bowl:
