This One Time At Band Camp...

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This One Time At Band Camp...

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sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 17 June :: 3.17pm

31.

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 16 June :: 9.55am

I wasn't going to take a shower today. I have 32 days to take a shower.
Yesterday I spent some time with the floor. Screaming at it.

But here are some goals:
1. Start wearing contacts
2. Call Brenda
3. Prevent ostioporosis
4. Stop thinking/Distract myself with anything
5. Practice clarinet

Also things I won't miss

1. Waiting to be let down
2. Secrets and awkwardness
3. His mom
4. His driving

But everything else.

DEAR GOD! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE WINDOW AND OPEN THE DOOR AGAIN?

but i read the e-mail again. it doesn't hurt the second time. well not as much.

going to see the doctor today.

7 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 15 June :: 7.42pm

I WAS okay. But now. God.

other people.

33 days until i die

5 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 14 June :: 12.06am

I think my summer will be a bummer. There were so many things that we were going to do. And now? I'm dying. No not dying. Just sort of withering. I'm okay if someone is distracting me. Or if I'm working.

But this can all be very comical. Getting dumped. For the next 34 days I'm going to take myself on a magical journey to feeling better. That's right. . .deadline.

Thirty-Four Things I've felt in like the last five minutes.

1. Sad
2. Worried
3. angry
4. small
5. tired
6. overwhelmed
7. betrayed
8. rejected
9. abandoned
10. remorse
11. nostalgic
12. bitter
13. nervous
14.senstive
15. sick
16. dead
17. wired
18. clingy
19. scared
20. crushed
21. lonely
22. hysterical
23. mopey
24. wasted
25. disconected
26. vunerable
27. pathetic
28. lost
29. weak
30. ugly
31. quiet
32. desperate
33. uncomfortable
34. crazy

3 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 12 June :: 11.50pm

Just 10 minutes and THIRTY FIVE ugly days until I'm whole.

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 12 June :: 6.50am

Thirty-Six days.

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 11 June :: 6.20pm

I've been dumped. Or pushed aside until July. I'm not sure yet.

But someone put an offer on the house.

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 10 June :: 9.48pm
:: Mood: dreading
:: Music: smashing pumpkins-here is no why

I don't understand.

But mom yelled at me because I was beating my dresser to death. And then I got the door involved.

It's not like I'm going to sleep. I'm so nervous and an angry. This is the last time though. That is my promise. I won't go through it again.

1 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 10 June :: 8.56pm

When have people even paid enough attention to me to even notice a change?

5 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 9 June :: 5.26pm

So I guess today is National Tell Sarah You're Coming Over and Then Not Day.

I'm okay though. We're going to fix things. And obviously my love of Bosco Sticks and books is greater than my sadness.

friday friday friday friday friday.

ipromiseipromise

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 7 June :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: unraveled
:: Music: smasking pumkinds-farewell and goodnight

I'm making myself so nervous.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 7 June :: 6.32pm
:: Music: smashing pumpkins-zero

I'm going to be a terrible mother. reading. yes. playing spiders? no thanks. you falling asleep because i'm not paying attention to you? right on.

and hello little monster pervert you make me shake. you are my number one fear. and i'm not planning on crying now so i'm not going to. pretend pretend.

AND?!!!!! this feeling of being exiled. it can't be helped. please...come back. thursday?

and now i feel better about my not liking big j very much. and not wanting to die for him. and feeling like a stubborn child when i thought that.

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 6 June :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: wizard!
:: Music: smashing pumpkins-to shiela

It's such a shame.

And I have no intention of honoring that promise.

ache ache.

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 5 June :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: weak
:: Music: smashing pumpkings-luna

A few days ago it was my arms. Now tonight it's my stomach. It's going to fall out and I'm going to vomit through my eyes.

and a tommy bug? i yelled at it.

there are also bleach burns. alligator girl.

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 4 June :: 9.47pm
:: Music: today-smashing pumpkins

It was like there was no air in my lungs. Not like I couldn't breath, but like I didn't need to.

anxiously calm feeling and that terrible smile.

ok...i was in band....