i'm disapearing. no, seriously. i feel so fucked up. like i'm not motivated to do anything. but i hate napping and being so lame. i don't know. i just want to get out of this place and never come back. cedar springs is so depressing. my god. i just want to end it every time i drive through. and. . .he keeps getting so upset. it's not helping. even when i'm being good i feel guilty. i don't have to have reasons. i have feelings. and there's my brother who is probably the biggest asshole ever. everyone says stand up to him. . .where does that get me? crying. it's easier just to let him have his way. then my nerves are solid. and my mom makes me nervous even when she's not yelling at me. maybe that's why i'm so annoyed with her all the time. she could go off any time. and there are friends i'm neglecting. and i'm a big phony liar and i'm not very nice or anything. and i feel fat. i know i'm not, but i feel like i could be soon, but no one will exercise with me and then i can't keep it up. actually the only person who will exercise with me is a lot stronger and has more endurance and he makes me feel bad because i'm weak in the athletics department. and i don't have any money and when i do i spend it on things i don't need. i'm tired of my cell phone. not the phone itself, but having one is making me ache. i think i hate cell phones. and this whole thing is lame because it's all excuses. i'm freaking out.

4 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....