ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 24 June :: 1.17am
in the most potent moments i am so happy. i have faith that every question you have asked me is because you desperately want to know the answers, that you cannot stand it outside of my heart, and i have not lied to you in all this time. i trust you to trust me, and above all else i know that you will care for me and understand, at least partially, my relationship with joe. not once have you complained or been jealous and you have no reason to be.
i will not always choose him over you.
i am fa-a-a-ling in to a deep well!
1 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 23 June :: 5.34pm
my doctor gave me buspirone. i don't want it or need it.
3 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 21 June :: 12.42pm
oh baby, i am so excited.
i got a cage today for my two little girl rats and have narrowed down a few names (molly, babette, charley, gaia, blue). i am anxiously awaiting rothbury while i begin painting my commission piece for adam christy. i have two days to paint it, and it will be shipped out as soon as he pays me half.
hopefully more sooner than later I will find out what the doctor says is wrong with me, and hopefully it is small and requires a tiny pill to correct. i think that is the case.
we have had some roommate disputes lately but all seems to be working out.
daniel is an angel. two nights ago he asked me to sleep over, so i went in my pjs and he had made me enchiladas, and we ate a whole big plate just the two of us and fell asleep with kitty on the bed beneath us. he is so good to me.
1 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 20 June :: 6.38pm
some things you'll do for money, and some you'll do for fun, but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 17 June :: 7.11pm
it won't be long, the spiral is beginning and i am terrified. my hands clasped to your shoulders, your arms around my back and our hair whipping in the wind flying up around us.
are you ready, are you sure, because i will if you will. and danny we are.
1 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 6 June :: 5.08am
on a lighter note, i finally confronted Daniel and laid all of my thoughts. it was very very very very good.
8 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 5 June :: 11.54pm
congratulations on your promotion! :)
today, day of days, i had a panic attack. what a sensation. my hands and legs were completely numb and 911 was called. hooray. i am a new and improved hysterical girl.
1 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 4 June :: 2.24pm
i don't know why you are hiding or what from, but it is starting to hurt.
1 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 30 May :: 7.10am
this happy anxious worried incandescent searching place in my brain is nice. i forgot that i had it. and i forgot that i could stay up until 7 AM making artwork, losing those hours to nothing and without protest. i'm not sure what i'm saying but i will try to keep saying it.
when i was talking about dan and how he is part of this whole separate world of culture and music and practice practice transcribe gig practice, i felt so small and omni-faceted, and i realized last night, or two nights ago, or tonight, or all three, that i have a little world of my own too, and it is beautiful and lovely and there is nobody who understands it but me, "i live in a box of paints," and it never once crosses my mind that i am shutting anyone out of this world; merely that i live there alone. and that is the way that dan must feel. and that is okay. that is wonderful. we will never be bored with one another, and we will understand the other's need to retreat sometimes.
i have something someone and another something, and lots of friends! i have a massive pile of worries and i'm sleeping less than ever but gosh gosh gosh am i happy.
and you who told me that this would never last is so wrong. i'm sorry you were unhappy then, but i was introducing me to myself because for so long, for two years, i was you.
stop worrying about everything. no matter who you decide to be.
4 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 23 May :: 3.50pm
okay with the dreams lately.
i am at some sort of hospital and very pregnant, watching a woman give birth. she is on a large bed with a slope at the end. she has three children and each slide down the slope, are chased by the nurse, and are returned to her. i catch the third child as it slides down the slope and start to peel away the embryonic sac. the baby pushes with its feat and i yell up to the woman who i now know is stephanie artino, "it is so strong, it's pushing my hand so hard!" everyone is so happy. all three infants have their own placenta, but the other two are very small and seem incomplete. I am unsure as to whether they are alive or not.
it is at this point that i notice the size of my own belly. i am resting my hands on it. i realize that it is my turn to sit on that bed and go into labor.
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 22 May :: 3.46pm
in all seriousness, why is it such an admirable quality to be so withdrawn that human contact is enjoyable at best? yes, i have strength and drive and a willingness to not only live but to LIVE, but why should i rely only on myself?
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 22 May :: 5.03am
what if i don't want to deal with everything on my own.
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 22 May :: 2.49am
i am a small chunk of your very large and getting larger all the time past. i am of little importance but am very amusing. please open your eyes.
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 19 May :: 2.13pm
I had a dream that Michael and I were sentenced to die. We were brought to a large room and Michael was sentenced first and killed. I was naked and wearing a towel around myself, alone on the top floor, looking down and sobbing into the center of the room. I could see Joe below me in a school desk, banging it with his fist although no sound came out and crying.
The room was given a recess until I had to go, and although it was my turn next to die and I was standing in a towel pushing through people, nobody looked at me or said a word. I found Daniel and he was asleep with a book in his lap. Joe ran to him and woke him and hugged him and Daniel asked, "Is it over? I finished Survivor!" He held up the book that had been in his lap. "You have to read it next, it's so good!" As though he had forgotten entirely that it was my turn to die.
2 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 16 May :: 12.06pm
i have now officially been up for 28 hours. i'm tired, goodnight.
6 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 16 May :: 11.54am
keturah asked me about him, and untinking i replied, "he's my boyfriend," so i guess he is.
9 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 15 May :: 1.43pm
bangs again. i'm eating absurd amounts of rice krispies, i love the summer and my roommates. my job is tolerable and i know a few people who don't mind when i hang around.
19 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 14 May :: 4.51pm
i have been camping for two days and two nights at hanna park. i smell like something awful and there is sand in every part of my body. it was cold, rainy, then hot, sunny, but there were innumerable amounts of food and drink to be had. i was worried about going alone with daniel, about filling the spaces, but i should not have been. i have yet to have such a wonderful time just sitting and talking and being covered in grime.
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 9 May :: 6.05pm
ohmygod i am so sick and daniel is too nice. he forced me to stay in bed and brought me medicine and played chess with me. tomorrow he turns 21 and we're hosting his party at the new house.
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 6 May :: 4.11am
drinking wine and reading harry potter is bad for my physical health, but gosh does it keep me sane.
1 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 4 May :: 2.58pm
the storm subsided with your happy eyes and palm mercifully placed in the small of my back (a question), did you? because i thought of you in the downpour and the shape of your body became the water washing over mine.
dripping soaked and spattered with dismay, i pulled on the string and you, unyielding, pulled it back harder, jaw clenched with wild eyes dancing from my lips to my hair to my left to right iris. "jocelyn, i thought you should know..."
and silence overtook you while a glass door opened, a smiling face behind it, connected to a new pack of cigarettes in hand. i stepped backward, head buzzing with a thousand unsaid words and the tiny string did not break but held me closer and tighter.
4 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 4 May :: 2.00pm
I got all A's!!!
and a B in math. but only because I missed about 10 classes.
YES HARD WORK FINALLY IS GOOD FOR SOMETHING!
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 2 May :: 4.03pm
everything feels wrong. i want to laugh.
moving in with a cat on my heels and new smells up my nose.
daniel is a musician and i keep forgetting that they are all very similar.
15 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 1 May :: 1.40am
it's nice being in cape coral. the o'connors have one two three four five six kittens and gosh are they cute. kitten number 5 is named Jocelyn. kitten 4 is David Copperfield and that will be the cat that joe and i take to jacksonville after rothbury.
the nights are still lonesome sometimes, but i'm much better than i was. i read old journals from years ago, or even just from october, and i want to slap myself. i am so blind.
i have to know what i want to paint. i have to know exactly what i want to say, or my paintings will be the equivalent of me screaming senselessly to the rain.
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 30 April :: 12.49am
i am guilty to say that if this suspicion turns out to be false, i will be disappointed.
11 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2009 28 April :: 5.50am
apparently i am much more drawn out than i think i am. i have been sleeping very little and thinking nothing of it, allowing myself no spare time beccause i cannot afford it (excepting my time with joe and daniel, usually once a week or to study). i just want to be finished. i have my last exam in six hours and i am just hoping i don't vomit all over my page. i am so very horribly sick. i have never been this ill.
2 Blessed me with their words |
Are you an Angel, too?
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