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:: 2024 17 April :: 10.46am

been reading thru my old diaries from 1996 to 2012 and they are literally the saddest things I have ever read. it breaks my heart how much pain I poured into those things.

it also makes me laugh at how fucking boy crazy I was.

I hope my daughter isn't anywhere near as sad as I was. I'm so scared she's going to live a life that's filled with misery and pain, and I won't be able to help.

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godessalthena

:: 2024 15 March :: 8.28am

struggling with this weight gain, balancing eating and exercising and not starving the baby.

feeling like every. single. thing. I do/think/feel is wrong.

feeling lost and hopeless and pointless.

all my art projects turn out like shit.

my friends won't come and visit me, it's always me going there.

I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

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goodbye

:: 2024 8 March :: 1.26pm

It is very challenging to navigate everyone else's feelings and to never have space for my own.

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godessalthena

:: 2024 15 February :: 10.48am

so fucking sick of bad dreams. I miss malish. I miss him so fucking much.

I felt the baby move for the first time yesterday. such a trip. but also so exciting. I can already tell post partum depression is going to be really fucking rough, as this ante partum depression is literally destroying me.

I'm just so sad every day. and every night. and in my dreams. I don't want to do anything to prepare for her arrival. I'm dreading the sick days and the crying and the sleeplessness. the husband is thinking about taking a job in TN... moving south sounds fucking horrid. being alone two weeks each month sounds horrid after the baby comes. I am just not sure how to cope.

my bestie is getting a German shepherd and I am really upset about it. it's her life and she deserves the happiness of a dog, but why did she have to pick one of the biggest and scariest ones? my baby isn't going anywhere around that dog. and that dog isn't coming into my home. so... another barrier up.

life progresses and it just seems to get more disappointing.