toki
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2005 19 September :: 12.20am
:: Mood: sick
I'm tired and sick. I have way too much to do and not enough time. And nothing that I really want to do. Other then curl up in a ball and close out the world.
You can be invited in if I give you special permission. To my world. Woo hoo.
Ryan's allowed in. Because he taped up my blisters and gave me drugs today. And he kissed me even though I was boogery. And he gave me a pillow when I fell alseep. So he gets permission.
And Melanie. Because she just said something nice.
SneakySeaMonkey: jolly rancher lollypops?
BassClarAngel: hey now! those were good and i've apologized many times for that
SneakySeaMonkey: I knooooooooooow
SneakySeaMonkey: do you still eat them?
SneakySeaMonkey: and laugh?
BassClarAngel: i only randomly eat them if it's some free thing a teacher hands out or something
BassClarAngel: but no, i don't laugh
BassClarAngel: i sigh reverently in rememberance of one of my bestest friends who is far away from me now
:-( So..Melanie...permission.
Jackie too. She died with me today. Just in different states.
And Melissa. Just for talking to me.
Those are just people I can think of right now. Um, Enter your plea below and I will consider you.
SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
NO!
1 MORE PAGE!
DEATH!
3 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 11 September :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: Sad
:: Music: Dying- Five for Fighting
Thor
I'm sad for some reason. I can't tell why, exactly. I don't like seeing Ryan get in trouble. And I think that I know that things are going to have to change soon. I won't be able to see him much anymore. I just know. I don't want that to happen. :-\ That and things that we talked about today. Reality, kinda. I'm hoping we avoid that, you know? I hope. I don't want to be like everyone else. And I like to think that we're not.
On the other hand, I am also very happy because Ryan Hoffman is only the greatest guy ever made.
Today was good. Awesome, in fact. I love today. I hate that I still feel so down.
School too. I'm worried. I just have no motivation. I have no desire to succeed at CLC. I see no point. Therefore, I see no point in trying. :-\ Which is bad.
::sigh::
Oh man. I wish I could stop time. Or not go to school. ::nods::
Ryan Hoffman, you're a good kid. :-)
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 8 September :: 10.11pm
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
esriiutriut ropi'[dkfjgksl;jdsg;lkh ghjio;ashdiouair oynv 4p598mvwteualj yisd cuuwery8tpo7v2wy5ctxn nhjtdl; awbetiogu jow48yat oauci;et hrnfgkldjf ygpoe;r8ty;sdhfa;liitp'atw9u7[0945=tewuhuegwtjkVAVFUIH 'OIAGY
FLi;yasreen;ob vy6wat;hyu;i 'JFDFGHKHL;HFJGFL;KHFDKJHSTIKUWETWI'
ETHLIFG
DFHFGJS;HDGKJFDHGKJDFHGKJLDFGHKLJDFGHKJFDHGKJL
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sandatthebeach
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2005 6 September :: 8.28pm
:: Mood: crappy
Crushed Pineapples
I'm so fucking insecure it's great. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone...forever...what if I'm supposed to be a nun for real? I don't know, I'm having issues with...crap. I fucking hate the way that I am sometimes...
Can you really fall out of love in a short period or time? Someone you've loved for so long...just suddenly decide hey, I wanna move on. I just, I dont' know, I think it's impossible to have such sudden change of heart. Or maybe I'm just a loser for taking way to long to move on, you know? I mean, it took me 3 years to get over someone....a few months? Is it possible? I don't know. I read some things that made me really jealous and upset all at the same time. Then I felt stupid and got really insecure and just wanted to lock myself in my room, hide under the covers and hide from the world. I think I'm pushing away everyone. I hate being alone yet I'm the one who puts myself in that position. I hate people but I don't. Maybe I'm just sick of me and my bullshit. I hate burdening other people with it so I just dwell on it...forever...until I crack.
I want to go outside right now and just screa really really loudly because I feel like I'm suffocated. Not because my nose is stuffy but just everything inside feels trapped and I want to take my brain out and just chuck it at a moving train then make myself a new one...one that doesn't think so much....I'm make a brain that only concentrates on school so I can be smart.
And that's my rant.
Always, Sandy
3 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 4 September :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Hand in my pocket- Alanis Morissette
One Year, suckers
I know I mentioned this in my xanga, but it deserves to be spoken of again.
1 more week! :-)
I'm excited. It's so cool. It'll be a year. Not alot for some of you people, but it's quite awesome to me.
Plus, Ryan is a good guy. :-) I've had him trapped for a year. Poor guy.
Just kidding. But he is a good guy.
:-) :-) Yay
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 2 September :: 11.21pm
:: Mood: Gross
I need a good slap across the face.
Who's first???
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2005 30 August :: 4.30pm
:: Music: Church bells
Stupid Bells
I hate church bells my friends. They are a pain in the ass. i am serious. They ring like every half an hour for some random reason, i guess they have a meaning but every half hour is a bit much dont you think? Yea i have a headache and am a bit tired and my laptop sucks. Its going to die so im not going to write anymore. Classes seem hard i hope i do well.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 29 August :: 11.26pm
This weekend= no fun.
Worked 2-10 Friday and Saturday. 2-8 on Sunday.
Some parts were fun, I just didn't have enough time. I wanted to have a day to hang out with people. The only person I had time to see was Ryan, which isn't bad. Ryan's a good kid to be with. But it'd be nice to have freetime, you know?
So yes. Some fun times. Almost getting arrested. Planned my honeymoon. ;-) Saw the Aristocrats.
School was long today. Math isn't getting any harder. Philosophy is getting tough. History scares me too. I'm excited for theatre tomorrow. Jill- we have to get our tickets to that one show soon. Coppenhagen.
This year I think I'm just going to get through Mondays and Tuesdays just to get to theatre. And Thursdays will be my inspiration to make it through Wednesday. Friday? Ummm...Friday is nothing anyways. Only one class. Sweet deal. Hoping for more weekend days off this week.
Labor day is soon. We get Monday AND Tuesday off. Sweet.
I kinda wanna work on those days. It's too late to tell Julia now. Poop.
And Ryan's probably working. Triple poop.
Sleep time. Nights.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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goose
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2005 29 August :: 7.20pm
:: Music: Emo raido station
This weekend was purdy good if you were wondering...
Friday i only had one class :) then i just took care of some stuff i'd been meaning to do, and worked a wee bit and then went hot tubbin with that kid...
Then saturday i partied hard with Elisa when we went to visit david at school and couldnt find him cuz he went home so we just went to this random frat party...lol funny joke...yeah i compleatly convinced matt that all of that was true, david came home for real and the 3 of us hung out for a while, but yeah i was joking around with matt cuz he was with ben and asked where i was and somehow he believed me...then david went over to his house, we thought for sure he'd figure it out but he just said hey jill davids over...so i said ha! thats why we couldnt find him. He kept thinking it was weird that i left the state and didnt tell him...hehe. then i walked into his house and just stood there. it was so funny. yeah but you had to actually be there. yeah...
im listening to yahoo radio, the emo station its sweet... hehe they play jimmy eat world and fall out boy. jill likes. :)
woo theatre class tomorrow! I am not going to tell you how much of a dork i am because you will laugh, because even my mother laughed at me when i told her what i did, so i will keep this to myself now...hehe
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 27 August :: 1.34am
:: Mood: exanimate
I'm moody.
I was going nuts at work today. I don't know why. I wasn't even that tired. My mind is just...fwooosh. I pretty much know why, but poop.
I'm very sad right now. Not sad, morose.
My feet are sore. My shoulder hurts. I feel disgustingly gross.
I don't want an apartment. I don't want to leave my cool green room.
I wish that I could find motivation to run every morning.
I think I should sleep. And not listen to sad songs.
I like this Patrice fella though. It's this dude who wrote a bunch of songs about LotR, but not for the movie. Farewell To Lorien is good. But it's sad. Because that part of the book is sad. I want to listen to the soundtracks now. I want the breaking of the fellowship.
:-(
I just need a hug, I think. I think I'm just a moody piece of shit.
-Patrice
BTW- If you're 18, go see The Aristocrats. Now.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 25 August :: 1.50am
Guess who has no classes tomorrow??? Ooooh yeah. Bask in my amazingness. Be jealous. I don't have to wake up until atleast...2...
That's the good thing about this college thing. Today I woke up at 11. Haha. My earliest class is at noon. Which is sweet. But that does mean crazy night classes, which suck. Stupid math. Urgh.
So, my favorite class by far is theatre. Jill's in my class! Yay! It's cool seeing people I know. That place feels so...gross. And to see Jill makes me happy. Like this.
My theatre teacher is so cool though. He's just amazingly awesome. He loves what he teaches. Just sitting there listening to him makes you want to get up and do something with your life. It's true. I went home last night and started filling out my Depaul application. Him and my Philosophy teacher are definitly awesome.
I don't know, you know the feeling you get where in a class or doing something you love? It just feels right. Like your planets have all lined up and a big neon sign is glowing telling you that you found what you were looking for.
Art is like that for me. Not Art-art. But theatre, photography, and writing. Mostly photography and theatre though. I mean, they're not pratical careers, but shit. It just feels so right. I could apply at Depaul for next fall for the theatre prgram. Probably theatre technology, general theatre, or dramaturgy. Or Dramatic criticism. Then minor in english.
But I want to leave C-Hell-C as soon as I can. Meaning, if I do that, which would be harder to get into, then I still have to stay here for a whole year. I think it would be cool to start during the spring semester there.
I don't want to do theatre and then get nowhere with it. I want to do what I want but have something pratical. Which is why english education makes sense. I still want to do it. But I wouldn't want to teach sophomore english or boring stuff like that. I'd want to be creative writing.
I want to be artsy. I don't want to be scholarly. I mean, I want to learn. I want to learn all I can. I'm pretty sure I'll take random classes for the rest of my life. Still, I don't want to make my life out of it. With those things, once you learn it, you know where it's going. Yeah, you can study the hell out of it, but it's still the same usually. With arts, there's no set course you have to take. There's no scientific method. There's just you and how you express emotion and conflict and what you see around you. And that's what I want to do. I just don't know how.
I'm very confused. I'm giving it a week or two before I decide on what I'm applying as to Depaul. Yep. I wish I had a Choose Your Own Adventure, so I could cheat and see how each scenario works out.
-Patrice
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 18 August :: 11.58am
1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. Write down what it says: "people- both. Really among the nastiest of all medieval European"
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? My dresser
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Straight Plan for the Queer Man
4. Without looking, guess what time it is: 12:01
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 12:02
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Ryan's voice in my head
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? To drive. Earlier. My Mom's evil, I'm telling you. Its raining like a dog.
8. Before you came to this website [started this survey], what did you look at? Myspace, xanga
9. What are you wearing? PJ pants and my sister's camp shirt
10. Did you dream last night? Yeeess....It was about work and movies and Ryan running for homecoming king.
11. When did you last laugh? In the office talking with Julia.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Phantom, Aviator, two lord of the rongs, a mexican rug, my show posters from school, a harry potter poster, and the one from the Lotr symphany
13. Seen anything weird lately? Lotsa deer in the suburbs. Just walking on the sidewalks.
14. What do you think of this quiz? Well, I started it exactly 24 hours ago and left it on my comptuer on accident. So I feel like I must finish it
15. What is the last film you saw? In whole? Ummm...I saw most of The Skeleton Key
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? A college degree? Haha. Umm...A house. I sound like such an old lady
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know: When I was a baby, my nose was always running
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Stop war, as stereotypical as that sounds. I would make everyone be like thoe crazy enviornmental hippies and have everyone doing everything they can to preserve nature. ::nods:: and to stop affirmative action. Make people blind to color. Make everything a level playing field in all aspects of life.
19. Do you like to dance? Gorilla dance, anyone?
20. George Bush: He's a shit head
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Hmm. Can't think of any right now
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Tobey or Isaac. Or Harold...Haha
23. Would you ever consider living abroad? Yes ma'am
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? Ha! You're the one who had issues believing in me...::smite:: Tehehehehe! Oh look....cotton candy...::skips away::
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sandatthebeach
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2005 19 August :: 1.15am
I wish life was fair. I wish it weren't so hard for me to keep a boyfriend...I hate my heritage.
Fuck it all.
Life's a piece of shit.
Maybe I should become a nun...at least my father will be happy.
I feel really guilty that Brian has to go through shit when dealing with my family.
Fuck it all.
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sandatthebeach
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2005 18 August :: 2.32pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: My brother whining in the background
Cell phones
So woohu works on my computer again. Sweet. Well hello everyone, have you missed me? I know, because I never come in contact with anyone if it's not via woohu. Anywho...school starts in a few days...I'm less than excited. That's right...I'm < excited. Hahaha I'm so funny...ok not really.
Woo my mother's yelling at my brother. Sweet. He needs some discipline in his life..he's such an ass. He makes me angry...very very angry. Good lord, he's stomping on the ground and giving people attitude that shithead. God...I really don't like him...he aggravates me very much. I'm fine with Chris, the younger one is such an ass. jkfajiflejal;jfesjfiaesjsal
The boy leaves Saturday/Sunday. I'm sad. :-( But it's ok I'll live...he is, afterall, coming back after like five days or so...he's coming back every weekend until Great America's done so...around Halloweenish? I won't make him come back every weekend after that...I'm not a control freak like most girlfriends. I believe in independence and individuality. Yay for being your own fucking individual.
I've observed many many relationships and always thought how can a girl be that controlling? The guy's allowed to have friends...he's allowed to hang out with others every once in awhile. Now that I'm in a relationship...I still think how can girls be that controlling? I told Brian that if I ever become controlling...just let me know...I promise I won't get mad. ::Shudders:: I'm sick of the world.
I'm thorougly disappointed with many aspects of life...haha I won't try to sound deep or anything but just I don't know...I'm sick of life, sick of people, sick of drama. This entire summer I've spent most of my time at work, summer school, or with Brian. I feel kinda bad about it because I was planning on doing many other things this summer. I had a summer reading list with books that I really wanted to read...I've only completed one...the 6th Harry Potter book (which, btw, made my cry like a baby and totally ruined my day). I've spent very little time with other friends who I don't see at work. I saw Patrice and Ryan frequently enough...same with Caitlin...but other friends....not really. I feel awful. I've been really anti-social...more than I have been in the past couple of years. And now all of my friends are leaving....I only have a handful of friends who still remain here....I know a lot of people but I'm friends with very few. I hate it. I hate how I can't just be "friends" with everyone...why I'm so critical about every aspect of life and every fine detail regarding me. Maybe that makes me selfish...the fact that I want so much and expect even greater things. I'm a selfish bitch, that's what I am.
Sorry, I've been really moody these past few days...I think it's because I've finally realized that it's time to grow up...for real. I'm going to college next year and that kinda scares me.
Ok well, I'm off to Caribou with Caitlin.
I guess I'll post later and whine some more.
Always, Sandy
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 18 August :: 1.48am
My shirt is dirty. I smell of popcorn. Gross. I think I'm going to go read my book now. I think something I said a few months ago just killed something I was trying to rebuild. Forgive and forget? It's impossible, but it'd be nice. I feel like shit now. I'm just doomed to fail. I'm sorry.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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