Stranger Than Your Sympathy...

:: 2008 27 January :: 11.49pm

I just made a huge batch of uber chocolatey brownies. Which, of course, screws up my whole diet. I also did not work out today. Which is also very against what I am trying to do. I also did not do any laundry and did not clean the litter box or Sun's tank. All of these things should make me feel like a complete and total failure. They don't. I am enjoying the chocolatey goodness of my brownies and the amazing feeling that you get after spending an entire day on your ass watching television.

Anyways, I start school tomorrow. And I asked them to bump up my hours at work. Meaning after today, I will have no sit on my ass days left. Sad. Very very sad. That and my feet hurt really bad. And my shoulders and back and legs. God damn freaking working out.

Actually, I am very proud of the fact that three times last week I worked myself as hard as I could. It feels good. I mean, it was only 20 minutes each time. And I'm still a total fat ass. Still need to lose 20-30 pounds. But I'm three workout sessions closer, yes?....I guess.

Blech. Waiting for Ryan to get home so I can see him for 30 seconds before he takes a shower and goes to bed. Fun.

:: 2007 10 December :: 11.31am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Michael Buble: kissing a fool

That stupid boy
I don't know how i got myself into this horrible awkward situation with this stupid boy. But it goes something like this: he dated my good friend, they broke up, they dated again, they broke up & we hung out....we both liked eachother (but didn't do anything b/c of her), this year we kissed, the next day he says your roommate is going to be pissed...they had something going on before hand, earlier that month they started(like they were kissing and perhaps relationship potential). I dont hang out with him & sorta get over him. Things go back to normal ( i dont like him & stay away from him still b/c im nice & think my roommate forgave me for kissing him, even though, i didnt know anything was going on at the time)

My roommate turns into a psycho bitch...really psycho bitch calling him 5 times a day!! She finally snapped @ me (she was intoxicated), she said she couldn't trust me & basically couldn't believe i wasn't a mind reader and should have known that there was something going on. It pisses me off, so i stop playing nice. i go back to the way me and the boys friendship used to be (it was always a lil flirty and so i let it be, no hurtful intentions just i am allowed to be friends with him and act normal). He has a party at our place and spends the entire time hitting on me (she was there!!) he tries to kiss me a couple of times and sends really really cute text messages. I like him again (prior to the party, but i didn't kiss him or really flirt back, he apologized/asked if i was upset later cause he knew he had fucked up with me). She broke up with him the next morning.

I like him...
he likes me...
she hasn't really talked to me or told me anything...
she has been crying & doesnt want me to know...
this is really hard!!

I am not allowed to ever do anything with him ever, right?? But, i really want to kiss him again and go out on dates....

I dont know how to get over him, how do u get over a boy??

I hate this!!

:: 2007 3 December :: 2.56am

i want to be....empty instead of full!! i hate feelings...go the fuck away!! :(

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2007 2 October :: 4.53pm
:: Music: Kevin Devine

Ok...so i'm supposed to be writing two papers and studying for a test...and what am i doing???

Take a wild guess!!

I am not motivated this semester to do well at ALL!! I DON'T CARE!! i have to take a bunch of bs core classes that i really don't care about...i just want the world to work!! :P

so random question ( i've been wondering the answer lately and i haven't come up with anything):

why do you wake up in the morning?? what gets you out of bed? why?

:: 2007 10 July :: 7.44am
:: Mood: exanimate

So. I haven't updated this in basically forever. Which means that at 7:45am when I'm supposed to be getting ready for school is the perfect time to do so.

I've been exhausted for the past three weeks. No amount of sleep is really helping either. Last week I got like...10 hours? of sleep. Still exhausted. Only three days of school left though....ashdljasfhjkdssf. Which I honestly am kind of not excited about. I'm glad the work will be gone, but now the only people I'll have to talk to during the day will be me. Ryan is at school everyday until 5 and I work everyday except Monday and Wednesday at 6. Meaning I'm going to see even less of him than when I was just in school.

Another huge source of frustration is Harry Potter. Sounds dumb, I know. But I have these traditions, yeah? And I look forward to these things all year only to have to miss the midnight showing and go to the book release in whatever bumblefuck town we're in the night it comes out. I really want to go to OBX, but I want to go the VH midnight book party with my friends. And I want to see Harry Potter tonight. And I hate responsibilities. I hate growing up and not being able to have my life revolve around Harry Potter anymore.

:-( And I have to go back to work tonight. After a week off. I hate work. I hate commuting. I hate serving. I hate people thinking I can't think for myself. Because, apparently, I need to be told every ten seconds what I need to do by someone who has served a total of zero times. Because they are the "brain" and I am the "hands". I don't need to think, really. How awesome is that? Finally a job where people realize how much of an idiot I really am!!! I'm just so bored with it. Any chance they give me to do another position for a second I grab. But for some reason they think the only thing I can do well is have other people think for me and to pick up other people's garbage. I want a quiet job. In a bookstore or library or something. I hate having a job. It's lame and stupid and gsadkncmcxvdsflkd.

Oh and I have to finish my book tonight. On top of work and missing Harry Potter. Oh man, I'm a huge mess today. I ruined two of my prints last night when I was cutting them down. And I realized I didn't have enough paper. I know. I'm a fucking genius. Yeah. My book isn't going to be the greatest. Which sucks. I really wanted this to look good.

Oh, and my apartment is a total fucking mess. Complete. And I have to time to clean it. Or any desire to really. But it's frustrating me how dirty it is. It annoys the hell out of me, but I don't feel like changing it. See? I'm nuts.

Ok...time to get clothes on and go to class....asfjklsdfkero. Wish me luck. Hopefully I finish my final for digital today. :-p

toki	:: 2007 8 May :: 9.56pm STRESSSSSSSSSS Gahr. Times ten. Have my fears pushed you out?

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2007 11 March :: 4.22pm

i hate having crushes...thats all...its annoying!! especially if you cant date/do shit with them...its my roommates ex-bf and so i cant...im not even allowed to have this crush!! so how do u get over a crush???

:: 2007 25 January :: 12.53pm

Coffee makes me very jittery. Yay for four cups of coffee today!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, I'm basically a terrible person because I just suck at being a friend! Yay! 10 points to me for sucking at life!

Kiwi is being a crazy woman today.

Actually, she's a CAT. Not a woman. Not at all.

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2007 18 January :: 6.06pm

I want to go home so badly right now. I don't want to live on my own. I feel like I'm a little kid pretending to be independant and realizing that I really don't want to be. Only I can't stop. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

:: 2007 6 January :: 10.17am
:: Mood: Poopy

:-P

R.H. is gone. :-( I'm exhausted and poopy and now I have to clean.

May I also mention that I've gained way too much weight in the past two weeks? What's wrong with me? I think I would gain weight even if I stopped eating. -.- argh.

Anyhoo. Bye chicitas. I think I might skip cleaning and go straight to bed.

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2006 24 December :: 11.53pm
:: Mood: cold

i havent been here in forever..but i just wanted to say 2 things: merry x-mas girls...and i know i havent seen you in forever but i just wanted to let you know that i love you and miss you!! :)

toki	:: 2006 24 December :: 9.43pm :: Mood: depressed Merry Christmas, all. I haven't been this crappy in a long time. I'm honestly now good enough. Nothing about me is good enough. I'm sick of trying. Have my fears pushed you out?

sandatthebeach

:: 2006 17 November :: 9.38am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Christina Aguilera

Coffee
I absolutely heart school. I love it. That is all.

And Gordon's doing better. Which makes me very happy.

-me

:: 2006 1 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: Tired/stressed

So, my world forest final. The one he said will be a short paper wrapping up the year. 8 fucking pages. Death. I'm not too happy about this, to be honest.

I'm uber tired right now. I drove with Ryan to the airport last night. He got to sleep on the way back, but me being short got me stuck in the middle seat with no head rest and no way to rest my poor tired eyes. I had to fight to keep my eyes open. It was bad.

I'm here now with 5 hours of sleep under my belt. Ryan got to sleep in today. What a poo-head. And I don't think he knows how to walk me to the door when he drops me off or wait for me to get inside my house before he drives off. Urgh. Most times I don't mind it. But when I'm falling asleep while standing up and I can't find the key my mom left out for ten minutes, I do kind of mind. I don't know. I'm a nerd.

Anyhoooo, I have to go start this paper now. I have uber journal entries to do as well. O.o;; I am so done with this shiznit.

2.5 days left. 2.5. 2.5. lakjfkjsldfkjheruladf'39'sdfjklsdf.