toki
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2006 30 May :: 1.00pm
:: Mood: Sick
Ahem.
Done with my english paper. Just revise it and bibliography. ::sigh of relief times ten infinity::
I can do this week, I think. Here's my schedule....just to keep me in line and thinking...
Tuesday: Chapter summaries [done], Blues presentation[done]
Wednesday: English paper [done.]
Thursday: Religion paper [85.6% done.]
Friday: English paper [done], 20 journal entries [0%done]
Tuesday: Religion Final
Thursday: Blues paper due [80% done]
I think I might have another english and a world forest paper somewhere in there somewhere. Oh well. I can do this. All of the big things are mostly done. Eh? ::nods:: I can do this.
Oh yeah...3 more [regular] school days! Three more times taking the metra by myself for three hours a day. ::sigh:: Then I'll start running and by the end of the summer, I'll be pretty.
Shit. Completly forgot about Columbia. Hm. I should really send my transcripts in. And get that letter. Eeeeeep. More stress. Oh well. I am a beast, no?
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 7 May :: 9.58am
:: Mood: Meh
Birthday
First birthday party since forever last night. It was fun. Everyone shows up two hours late...not so fun. But that's okay. Because I got a nice fatty dinner followed by nasty marshmallows.
And there were only a few awkward silences! Which is nice. Those are always quite horrid. I'm good at creating those.
It was awesome seeing people though. And I'm glad John was invited last minute. Definitly my favorite friend of Ryan's there. And Hul and Kyle showed up, which I didn't expect at all. Very cool.
Anyhoo, I got a free massage and money to get more cool shorts from old navy. :-) Awesome. Uber excited for both.
Birthday dinner with the 'rents tonight. Amanda just invited her scum of a boyfriend, which pisses me off. This is his first family dinner and it's my birthday. Meaning it's not gonna be my birthday. It's gonna be "so, Tony, tell us about yourself....." >.< Urgh.
Alas, we are going to Pappadeaux. Mmmmm...excited.
Shower time. Then estate sale. Then clean out garage. Wooo?
Bye fools. And thanks time ten infinity for attending my par-tay last night if you could. :-)
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 3 May :: 11.12pm
Birthday in 2 days! Woooo!
Excited?!
Yessiiir. I like parties. Hate getting old. Uber excited to see peoples though. Woooo.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2006 3 May :: 1.31am
:: Music: dance dance
So i dunno i havent written here in forever. u guys know i only write here when im either super excited or super not happy...depressed is not the right word cuz i dont know what depression is. Anyway...im just frustrated. im the type of person that when i go into a friendship or consider u a good friend (like best type deal) i tell u everything...im open like that. i dunno this week i just dont feel like my friends are like that adn it pisses me off...but i decided if someone doesnt feel comfortable telling me something then they dont have 2.
i mean its their choice. but w/e. im just havin a lot of trouble wit school and bein sick so everything is gettin to me...it wont be a big deal in like a week so whatever. i shoudl be writing a 1000 word ethics paper but honestly i dont care about st. aquanis!!! damn jesuits!! :) i was gonna somethin else but i forgot. OH...so i asked one of my friends to read my paper and edit it and she didnt. ive read atleast three of her papers...but w/e i wont do that for her anymore its not fair. she i dunno i understand where she comes from however im not a good writer not even close so
i hate people cuz i hate lettin them in...it always hurts cuz they will injury u at some point in time and its just sometimes not worth it. but i guess it makes u stronger and its nice to feel loved when u do! well. i really gotta write this paper.
:)
Yasamin
3 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 23 April :: 10.11pm
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
I'm...not. No more, please.
Guilt, stress, guilt, sick, stress, lost, stress, guilt.
klajffsnvjerpadlsdfjsghgklasdghksjksghjkjla;sdfhjksdgdaklfjcfla;ksdfjk
Seriously.
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 19 April :: 9.14am
I have to leave for class soon. I leave 20 mins early from the library. Which is pointless. Whatever. I'm weird about always having to have the same exact seat in my classes. I got to religion uber early yesterday and this girl had already taken my seat. >.< I swear, they're all out for me. Not cool.
I want to go to Caribou and talk. Not to myself, with someone. Not with someone I usually talk to either. I want something different. I want sleep. I want motivation. I want organization (?? I don't know either) I want to....I don't know. I want to eat without feeling like I should go puke. I want to be hungry and not worry about how much I've already eaten. I want to do homework and not have it take me two hours when it really only needs 30 mins.
It's not worth it, really. That's not a healthy thought, but I know that's how I look at it. I don't even know why I'm doing this.
I've discovered that the way I think is not normal.
All is folks that.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 19 April :: 8.52am
:: Mood: tired
I just don't care anymore.
That's not a good thing.
Meeeh. I brought Harry Potter today. He's my friend. He's alot better than mr. I write boring books about stupid things that no one will ever care about.
That is all.
I miss free time.
I miss having time to organize my shit.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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goose
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2006 12 April :: 2.52pm
why did i bother coming to this site today? why am i bothering to write here? the only people that know about this, and could possibly read it all hate me. so why am i here? dont know... there are a lot of things i dont know.
i do know what im doing right now and i know what im going to do next, and for the rest of the evening. that i do know... i dont know why i haven't called kathryn back yet either. i told her i would and i want to but i just havent...
i really dont know why im writing in here... you all hate me anyway no matter what i do
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 11 April :: 9.20am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Library sounds
Hunger
World forests was canceled today. Pretty cool that I get some time off, but sucky that I came all the way down here and woke up fucking early just to sit in the library.
More good news! I have a week more to read for world forests now. That's awesome. Quite. I'm still going to try to finish it for Thursday, just to keep up with my schedule, but if I don't it won't be the end of the world. And I get Friday off!
It only sucks that I couldn't have gotten this break later in the quarter when I'm actually swamped with homework. Oh well. Any break is okay with me.
Been uber frustrated lately. For many reasons. My mother is being my mother again, which you all hopefully know what that means. I'm only in my third week of school while everyone else is getting ready for finals and I know the work is just going to pile on anytime now.
I have to start looking for another job soon. Still be at the tree on weekends just because. I was thinking maybe Yardhouse because Jorie's there and possibly the Kimis, but I don't really want to work with my sister. Too much tension in the house that I don't want to bring to work. Which sucks. If Kimis works there, I'll miss out on a whole bunch of fun times and then Jorie and Kimis will be friends with my sister and the world will be even weirder. I don't like weird.
Once again, oh well. Accept and move on. That's life.
If anyone knows of a job that'll pay me uber money, tell me. That'd be quite awesome, thanks. :-)
I've been rethinking things recently. Decisions I've made and shit. And yeah, I realized how horrible I feel because of them. No one's fault but mine, but I need to refocus.
Focus on school and work. I need money and I need to do homework. I need to raise my GPA to atleast a 3.5. Right now it's at 3.35. So I need to get my butt in motion.
It's tough. I know it's important to get money and to get good grades, but I also think it's important to have fun. You know? I don't want to become one of those people who focus all on school and lose sight of their lives. That would not be good. What's the point of life if you're not enjoying yourself?
I don't know. I don't even know what I'm fucking doing anymore.
I'm proud of myself though. I've thought things over and I'm much more firm in my beliefs and such. I don't want to get drunk. I just don't want to do it. Plus, nothing is more fun than watching and talking to drunk people. It's true.
I don't think I'm better than anyone, I promise. I just don't want to do it.
Maybe I'll apply at the library. They close no later than 9 every night, 5 on Sundays. That means I would still have a social life sometimes. Just not during the day, which kind of sucks.
I don't knoooow. So fucking hungry. Grrrrargh. Can't eat until 11:50 though. Sad, I know.
Mmmm...classstime. Woo boredom.
Bye folks.
-Patrice
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sandatthebeach
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2006 10 April :: 12.26am
:: Mood: disappointed
...
Maybe I'm the only person in the entire world who thinks that it's a good thing to be untouched.
But it's ok, it'll be ok, life moves on...and my brain fries so that I can't think anymore.
KABOOM!
There goes my brain. No more thinking.
Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 26 March :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: nauseated
Break's over.
Back to reality.
I hate school.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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pixeldot
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2006 2 March :: 7.20am
Since xanga is blocked at school, I'll ramble about my dream for a bit here.
This makes alot of sense if you were one of the unfortunates to be talking to me last night while certain events transpired. Poor people, having to listen to my dumb issues.
Anyway, I had a dream that I was in the car with my mom, and we were turning left onto butterfield from 60, that road that goes to my house that has the train tracks crossing 2 roads. We were just sitting there, waiting for a train to pass, when I noticed that suddenly, without my knowledge of a crash or any turbulence, the train parts just started coming off of the tracks. I mean, they were hardcore coming off, to the point of them literally flying off and landing violently a few feet away from the car.
I wasn't afraid, but I just kept thinking "I hope the people on the train are okay..." even though it was a freight train, and wasn't carrying any people. My mom was completely relaxed, and just said "Well how about that. And it was the train conductors own damn fault, too. He deserved it"
After a few seconds of watching this train absoluely crumble, forming a barricade of ff7 train grave yard-esque rubble, I looked behind us to see that there was tracks on the road behind us too (which there normally aren't), and to the right, so we were basically trapped by the train wreckage.
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 1 March :: 12.04am
88% on my history paper!
Woooo!!!!!!
That means I am now getting a 77% in history, fools.
7 freaking 7! Hopefully that'll be a B soon.
Oh man oh man. I'd be okay with a C. Much better than that 56% I had earlier. Eeeps.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 26 February :: 10.56pm
crumble.
cruuuumbbllle...
c.r...u...m.....b...l....e....
CRASH
boom
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 26 February :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: indescribable
So...you probably don't want to read this. You can probably guess what I'm going to talk about here. I don't care though.
Fuck you! Haha!
That's what I learned this weekend. It doesn't matter. You can't change people. You can mourn over broken promises of friendship, but in the end you can't make the other person see it.
That probably doesn't make any sense at all.
Of course I miss it. Of course I blame myself. I still feel like a piece of worthless shit about it. But what can I do? Accept...move on....accept...move on....
It's what we do! It's what we're designed to do. I got through a quarter of school with just a boyfriend and one friend. I can get through ten more like that.
And I still have the Tree. As corny as that sounds, no matter how lonely it gets, I can go to the Tree and feel like I'm a part of something.
In actuality, I'm just struggling to be optimistic about this situation. Pretend not to care...and I eventually won't. Right? Right!
Optimism.
I miss how things used to be.
I hate that things had to change.
I miss it.
But I can't bring it back.
So that's that!
Life goes on. Tomorrow I will take the train. I will walk down Adams to Wells. I will wait for the El. And I will go to class. And life will go on.
I'm happy that it does, though. I mean....life sucks...nothing new. But it goes on. Now, that sounds good to me at this point in time.
I'll move on and I'll never really be happy, but I might be content for atleast an hour a day. And I'll smile. And I'll laugh at bad jokes and tell bad jokes. I'll be left out and I'll leave people out. People will break my heart and I'll break people's hearts. And we'll all look back on it one day and smile.
I think I might be having a nervous breakdown.
Ok...bye... wooooooo
Have my fears pushed you out?
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