Hell has Begun
I had fun at the summer celebration with Dannie and them and we got a chance to talk to Jesse more. We were going to go over to Dannie’s and chill for a while and watch movies with Jesse but my parents wouldn’t let me of course so I had to go home. I got home and my parents were all bitchy for who in the hell knows why. So when I got my pjs on I went on the internet and was talking to people about how frustrating it is to have to come home and always have your parents bitch at you for no reason when you had their permission to go in the first place. Then my dad heard my sister talking to me asking me why I was mad and so my dad goes and tells my mom and my moms all like “Amy we want to talk to you.” Hah, that would be a first. “What’s the matter with you?” Then I went through a whole speech about how I shouldn’t have to talk to them if I don’t want to and that it didn’t concern them and that it was about me and that it wasn’t important to them and it was my life and I’d be able to handle whatever I’m going through or feeling. So my mom goes into this whole thing where she says she doesn’t like my attitude and that I’m being disrespectful. She was being disrespectful to me to begin with. She tried backing me into corners to try to get me to talk then she threatens to take away stuff so I’m forced to tell her so half of the time I end up lying to her so she gets off my damn back. I’m sick of it. That’s not showing “parental concern” by shoving their kids in a corner and forcing them to talk. That’s torture. I said if I needed to talk that I’d come to her and say something. I have never talked to my mom in my whole entire life…I’m not going to start now. For me it makes things worse to talk about it. I’d rather write about it or go online and ask a friend. I can’t trust my parents at all. Especially my mom she would go and tell my dad or anyone in the family who she thinks would give a shit. So my moms back to her old bitchy self. I said before that I could never hate her again because I’m afraid of loosing her, but it something where to happen to her then she would be gone while I was still pissed at her and I’d resent her for that and it would be her fault. She thinks she’s helping but she isn’t and I think she knows that. It’s a bunch of bullshit. I shouldn’t have to go though it it’s a bunch of shit. So then at that point I just walk away because I have nothing to say and I really don’t feel like standing at her bedroom door all night. So I’m writing in my room in my sketchpad and I hear her whispering and talking to my sister and dad. She is so damn stupid. My room is right down the hall does she not think I cant hear her? Those just made me feel worse. How could I even begin to trust her if she’s sitting there whispering behind my back. What is this, middle school? LIKE I NEED TO GO THROUGH THAT EVER AGAIN. So what was she whispering about? My parents left finally today to go out to eat at Damon’s and to go to Sam’s Club…so what do I do? I ask my sister. My sister said my mom asked her to TAP INTO MY EMAIL. WHAT THE HELL? Number one, I don’t even use my email for important stuff to begin with but the thought…WHY WOULD SHE EVEN ASK MY SISTER TO DO THAT?!?! My sister said that she replied “ok..I don’t know her password and plus that would be wrong” So I thank her for that at least. She doesn’t know my password and that’s why I never tell her my passwords because I know there would be snooping or that my parents would eventually ask for it or something. What nice parents I have. My moms a bitch and my dads never there so what am I left with. My sister who occasionally sticks up for be but doesn’t even know how to relate to me instead she criticizes me and calls me names like freak and that I have issues. I don’t care anymore.. I’ll find something to get out of this. Jesus Christ himself, what more am I going to have to go through. I’ll tell you one thing. I’m passwording my journal SOON very god damn soon. I’m going to jump at the next chance I get to say to my mom, “ You want me to think I can trust you yet you ask my own sister to tap into my email?” I’ll shove those words down her throat for sure. This so beats any family controversy we’ve ever had. If I grow up to be a serial killer you definitely know whom to blame. GOD! Its so frustrating. I’ll beat this though that’s all I know.

Last night… when I was writing …I noticed that the tears stopped. That’s a good thing.

Summer has officially begun…the air conditioning is on.

2 made me bleed | take a stab