ax4241
|
::
2012 22 August :: 10.31am
I'm more queer than Clay Aiken with aberzombie and bitch
<3
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 8 December :: 8.49am
:: Mood: giddy
Guess who has two thumbs and got kissed last night?
...THIS GIRL.
2 |
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 21 November :: 12.04am
My date with Justin was tonight, and it was fantastic. We went to an arcade and played hella fun games. We talked about Star Trek and Skyrim and reading. He picked me up, bought me dinner, and got me an Angry Birds stuffed toy with the tickets we won from the arcade games. When the night was over he walked me back to my door and gave me a hug.
I sent him a text message after he left to thank him again for the date and to say I was looking forward to the next one. He wrote back, "Me too! I'll be in touch. :)"
I'm trying to keep a level head and avoid the rebound trap, but I'm feeling giddy butterflies. I think I might really like him.
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 13 November :: 5.44pm
a new chapter
I've met someone.
His name is Justin...my friend Madison has been busily playing matchmmaker behind the scenes and finally introduced us at a video game party on Friday night. It went well, and he called today to ask if he could take me out next weekend. To an arcade. Home run, dude.
I'm...excited! Scared, and wondering if it's a mistake, and still so conflicted on Nathan's account, and afraid of fucking things up...but excited. It's been a long time since I felt butterflies, and I'm going to see where this goes.
1 |
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 10 November :: 12.47pm
Nathan wrote me back last night to say that while he was willing to talk, he didn't want to be friends.
At first I was angry, oh so angry. But that burned off overnight, and today I'm just in a slump. I suppose I have to accept that I'm just not as important to him as I wish I were--maybe I never was. I feel like this is just one more situation in which he's running away rather than facing something difficult. When it counted, he was never really willing to take the initiative and fight for me. It's a painful realization and it makes me feel pretty worthless.
I don't know how to talk to him without being his friend. We know each other too well to just be acquaintances. And so I wrote him back to say, in essence, "Well, ball's in your court, then; have a nice life."
And now...I don't know where to go from here. I feel like three months ago I lost my boyfriend, and yesterday night I lost my best friend too. I'm getting progressively more alone as the months go by. And my horoscope for today read something like "The more connections you make, the harder it is to hang onto the meaningful ones. Your circle of friends may have expanded, but your circle of close friends may have decreased."
Thanks a lot, downer fortune.
5 |
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 9 November :: 8.43am
Today is the day. Three months have passed, and the silence is over. I just sent Nathan an e-mail.
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 17 October :: 10.57am
I wonder if Nathan misses me.
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 7 October :: 8.23am
I think it's time to find a new therapist. The only benefit I'm getting from this one is the prescription, and she's just the go-between on that one anyway. I tell her things and she just stares at me. Doesn't respond. Just stares. It's extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what she wants from me. To eat my brains?
In happier news, I went to a Blink-182 concert, and it was FUCKING AWESOME. I danced my ass off, screamed myself hoarse, and nearly got hit in the face by a flying pair of pants. It was an incredible rush, and the next day I felt tired in a good, worn-out way and not a depressed, hopeless way...first time in months.
2 |
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 3 October :: 12.28pm
Emo totoro
Nathan reads my LJ, so although I do tend to use it more, this is the only place I feel I can be completely candid. I may begin writing here more often again.
Singlehood isn't getting any easier. Rather the opposite, actually. Each day is more difficult than the last. It doesn't help that he seems to be moving on just fine. A friend of mine made me promise not to look at his LJ or his Facebook anymore, because I'm just torturing myself with the wondering.
Depression is a difficult enemy and it's really got me by the metaphorical balls. All I want to do is sleep, but once I get in bed my mind races and I toss and turn and wake up still just as tired as before. I don't eat unless food is handed to me, and sometimes even then I have trouble stomaching it. Every morning I have to talk myself out of calling in sick to work. I can't concentrate on anything, I don't want to leave the house, I haven't listened to the radio in months. Everything seems relatively pointless.
The frustrating thing is that I think I'm doing the right things, and I'm just not feeling any better. I go to bed on time. I see friends often. I keep up with hobbies I enjoy, even if they're not feeling particularly rewarding at the moment. I honor my commitments and continue doggedly going to work and rehearsals. I set myself goals and plan for the future. I'm making an real effort to take care of myself and avoid isolation and paralysis. But it's not working!
Last week, as an exercise in perspective, I tried to make a list of good things about being single. But I only came up with seven, and they were all variations on the same thing, and it wasn't compelling. So I tried instead to make a list of good things about being alive. That list was significantly longer, but it didn't make me feel better like I'd hoped it would. None of these things make me happy anymore. The best I've been doing is less sad. Which, to be fair, is better than nothing.
It scares me to think that these feelings of hopelessness and futility might not go away. It scares me even more to realize that sometimes I honestly feel I don't have anything more to look forward to in life. I've been depressed before, but I've never been frightened by it. This is the worst it's ever been.
I do want to make it clear that, although I am currently feeling like the scum of the earth, I have no intention to harm myself in any way. I'm just not happy anymore, and sometimes I have trouble believing that will ever change.
3 |
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 23 September :: 9.02am
:: Mood: sad
Today is Nathan's birthday.
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 16 August :: 1.44pm
Missing Nathan something fierce. The pain is just unrelentless. It feels as though there's something inside my chest, squeezing on my lungs.
1 |
<3
|
|
oceanchild
|
::
2011 10 August :: 9.23am
Dear interblag,
I am extremely sad to report that Nathan and I ended our relationship last night.
He wasn't happy any longer, I felt that I couldn't be what he needed, and we both have just been in long-distance stasis for the past two years, neither of us moving forward because of the other. We both have baggage to work through, and plans to pursue, and as heartbreaking as it is to admit, we were only getting in each other's way.
We walked up into Wildcat Canyon to talk and sat on a trampled patch of long, dry grass. I told him I thought we should end it, and he talked me out of it. Then he changed his mind, and I talked him out of it. Hours and many iterations later, we ended up in my truck, parked by the side of the road a block from his house. He finally said that what he needed was for it to be over, and I can't begrudge him that. I said that what I needed was reassurance that someday we would see each other and talk again, and he assured me that we would remain friends, after we've had some time to heal.
We kissed one last time, shook hands, and said goodbye. I watched until he disappeared around the corner before I started my truck again and left.
I am well and truly heartbroken, but I'm trying to take things a day at a time, concentrating only on the present moment. Nathan and I were together for five and a half years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first lover. I deeply and honestly believed that he would be the only one, and right now it's difficult for me to imagine ever finding another his like. He has made me happier and more self-confident than anyone in my life ever has, and the person I am now is so exponentially better than the person I was when I met him, I would never have believed the change possible. I owe him a great deal of credit for that...it might never have happened without his support and his humor and his unconditional, unwavering love.
I know I need to concentrate on myself now, and figure out how to be single and self-reliant, but everything I see and do reminds me of him, and the pain of that reminder is constant and overwhelming. I fear that this will be a long, slow journey.
<3
|
xelferdarkx
|
::
2011 10 June :: 7.18am
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Thoughts running in my head about things.
Pretty sure.
Everything i read, see, or think. All of it. I'm consumed by it. I miss it. everything i do links me back to it. I'm obsessed. I'm confused. I can't stop thinking about my mistakes. The hell i've caused others and myself.
Everything is nothing to me right now. Everyday is feels meshed into the day before like nothing has changed in a while. For over a month my life has been on pause and i can't find the button to unpause my life. That's because i Forced away the controller to the best game in my life. I listen to other people tell thier stories about how everything is for them and i get jealous of my past. Regret is hauting me everyday with everything i touch, smell, hear, or say.
I smell like tacos don't I?
Yeah you do, its ok because your son likes it.
My back hurts, but sitting here makes it feel better.
Everything is reflecting back to me and I am becoming more clear of the devastation i've caused. The lives i've changed and can't burden on my broken shoulders.
Everything i have been doing was a part of a life i had promised another.
A life that i can never live up to deserving.
I can finally feel the weight...
Finally..
All i can do now it let it collapse and catch as many pieces as i can ever hold of this past and future.
I'll forever cherish each piece i hold within my grasp and love you forever.
1 |
<3
|
|
xelferdarkx
|
::
2011 9 June :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: blah
Your special smile, your special face, you're a special someone I can't replace. I love you dearly and always will, for you've filled a place no one else will.
Love is not finding the perfect person,
its finding the most imperfect person, perfect. (wish i would have Realized this sooner.)
1 |
<3
|
|
xelferdarkx
|
::
2011 8 June :: 5.47am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: The sound of nothing when i get home.
[Verse 1]
I wouldn't want to be anybody else
( Hey! )
You made me insecure
Told me I wasn't good enough
But who are you to judge
When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things
You'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn't want to be anybody else
Na na na na na
Na na na na na na
I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me
La na na na na na na na na!
La na na na na na na na na!
You've got every right
To a beautiful life
( C'mon! )
Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says
[Selena Gomez - Verse 2]
It's such a funny thing
How nothing's funny when it's you
You tell 'em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth
It's like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won't let you touch the sky
La na na na na na na na na!
La na na na na na na na na!
I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me
La na na na na na na na na!
La na na na na na na na na!
You've got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon
[Chorus]
Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says
Who says you're not star potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said
Won't you tell me who said that
( Yeah, WHO SAID!? )
Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says(x2)
<3
|
leaf
|
::
2011 8 June :: 12.38am
<3
|
|
xelferdarkx
|
::
2011 27 May :: 6.55am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Skater boy!
Today's fav!
I haven't heard this song in years and it popped in my head randomly today. I miss the days where music like this was popular. The years have passed.
Today was hilarious at work! one of the people who used to work there when i started came back today and was working, totally showed me up steaming on line. But tis cool, Maybe she will replace me as a steamer and i can do drive thru or something again until i becomes shift lead.
Anyways! I was singing Lazy song today and she caught wind of it and started singing it too, then another and another, next thing i know we had 6 people all singing it while we worked! I've always wanted to be at work when a musical breaks out like that and everyone sings! Probably one of the best days i've worked in a looooong long time!
He was a boy she was a girl
can I make it anymore obvious?
He was a punk, she did ballet
What more can I say?
He wanted her,she'd never tell
secretly she wanted him as well
but all of her friends, stuck up their nose
they had a problem with his baggy clothes.
He was a skater boi,
she said see you later boi
he wasn't good enough for her
she had a pretty face
but her head was up in a space
she needed to come back down to earth
Five years from now, she sits at home
Feeding the baby she's all alone
She turns on T.V., guess who she sees
Skater boy rocking up MTV
She calls up her friends, they already know
And they've all got tickets to see his show
she tags along, and stands in the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down
He was a skater boi
She said see ya later boi
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a superstar
Slammin on his guitar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?
He was a skater boi
She said see ya later boi
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a superstar
Slammin on his guitar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?
Sorry girl, but you missed out
Well tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see
See the man that boy could be
There is more than meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside
He's just a boy and I'm just a girl
can I make it anymore obvious?
We are in love, haven`t you heard?
How we rock each others world!
im with the skaterboi
I said see ya later boi
I'll be backstage after the show
I'll be at the studio
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know.
Im with a skaterboi
I said see ya later boi
I'll be backstage after the show
I'll be at the studio
Singing the song we wrote
About the girl you used to know.
<3
|
|
xelferdarkx
|
::
2011 26 May :: 4.41am
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Lazy song, I love it!
Wishing my life away.
I think i am going to post song lyrics about my mood each day for while, Listening to music helps me deal with my day. Even though i wish my day was like this, I still went to work, dealt with something i needed to clairify. Next, well shit i dunno, lets see how things turn out now.
Oh! i almost forgot! My brother fianlly got back to me about going to Cali. I am so excited to finally meet the family that i have never seen before other then pictures! I will be heading that way in July around the 14th. He was saying it the best time to go to the beach, I can't wait! The only issue is that that leaves me here in this dingy house with crazy people with no sense of privacy, manners, or even consideration. Its so hard to try and keep my mind to myself when i can't even think around here, how in the hell am i supposed to try and clear my head, heart, soul of what i really want in life if i can't get away from this plague?
On the side note, she seems to be doing well now, I am really happy for her being able to be free. As things stand now i will stay on the side lines and watch her be free and happy while i sit inside the cage she once did. Its where i belong, Stuck in a cage with myself, alone for the sins i have caused to myself and others. The shoes i am expected to fill are finally starting to fade as money collects. I hate money, i really do. Nothing good ever comes out of me having any. I hurt people, i sever myself from others. All comes down to the greed of most of humanity, Friends, family, even strangers seem to change around you when you have a little cash. Its sad to say it but i'm not missing hanging out with people. Being pretty content in my own little world right now doing what i think matters the most. Well there is my rant about things and how they have been the last couple weeks. Cya tomorrow with hopefully a new inspiring song that i had enjoyed!
Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything
I Just Wanna Lay In My Bed
Don't Feel Like Pickin' Up My Phone
So Leave A Message At The Tone
'Cause Today I swear I'm Not Doin' Anythin'
I'm Gonna Kick My Feet Up
Then Stare At The Fan
Turn The TV On
Throw My Hand In My Pants
Nobody's Gon' Tell Me I Can't
I'll Be Lounging On The Couch, Jus' Chillin In My Snuggie
Click To MTV So They Can Teach Me Howda Dougie
Cause In My Castle I'm The Freakin' Man
Oh Oh
Yes I Said It
I Said It
I Said It 'Cause I Can
Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything
I Just Wanna Lay In My Bed
Don't Feel Like Pickin' Up My Phone
So Leave A Message At The Tone
'Cause Today I Swear I'm Not Doin' Anythin'
Nothin' At All
Woo Hoo Ooh
Woo Hoo Ooh Ooooh Ooh Ooh
Nothin' At All
Woo Hoo Ooh
Woo Hoo Ooh Ooooh Ooh Ooh
Tomorrow I'll Wake Up Do Some P90X
Meet A Really Nice Girl Have Some Really Nice Sex
She's Gonna Scream Out "This Is Great!" (Oh My God! This Is Great!)
Yeah
I Might Mess Around, and Get My Collage Degree
I Bet My Old Man Would Be So Prouda Me
But Sorry Pops You'll Just Have To Wait
Oh Oh
Yes I Said It
I Said It
I Said It 'Cause I Can
Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything
I Just Wanna Lay In My Bed
Don't Feel Like Pickin' Up My Phone
So Leave A Message At The Tone
'Cause Today I swear I'm Not Doin' Anythin'
No I Ain't Gonna Comb My Hair
'Cause I Ain't Goin' Anywhere
No No No No No No No No No
Ohhh
I'll Just Strut In My Birthday Suit
And Let Everything Hang Loose
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Yes I Said It
I Said It
I Said It 'Cause I Can
Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything
I Just Wanna Lay In My Bed
Don't Feel Like Pickin' Up My Phone
So Leave A Message At The Tone
'Cause Today I swear I'm Not Doin' Anythin'
Nothin' At All
Woo Hoo Ooh
Woo Hoo Ooh Ooooh Ooh Ooh
Nothin' At All
Woo Hoo Ooh
Woo Hoo Ooh Ooooh Ooh Ooh
<3
|
|
xelferdarkx
|
::
2011 23 May :: 4.23am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Silence
Gone under.
Hey there stranger, how you been
Feels like I'm standing on the outside looking in
At the mess we left behind
And it's a long way to fall
I gave you everything I had
I gave it all
And then my heart was on the line
I can't hate you
Any longer
I know I'm going to miss you
I'll forget it and let it go.
Say hello to goodbye, cause it's gone forever
No more try, you and I
Not now, not ever
And I'll get by without you
I'm not going back again
I'm not going to lie to you
Cause, that was there and only then.
Say hello to goodbye
Say hello...
And this is how it has to be
Cause it's a deadly combination, you and me
You know it's undeniable
Even though we tried it all
We brought the worst out in each other
I recall
We can't act it anymore
What doesn't kill you
It makes you stronger
And though I'm going to miss you
I'll forget it and let you go
Say hello to good-bye
It's gone forever
No more try, you and I
Not now, not ever
And I'll get by without you
I'm not going back again
I'm not going to lie to you
Cause, that was there and only then.
Say hello to goodbye
Say hello...
And even though the tears will dry
I can't completely disconnect
Couldn't make the compromise
Didn't have a safety net
Say hello to goodbye
Heeey ya ya
Say hello, goodbye
Say hello to good-bye
It's gone forever
No more try, you and I
Not now, not ever
And I'll survive without you
I'm not going back again
I'm not going to lie to you
Cause, that was there and only then.
Say hello, to goodbye
Say hello, to goodbye
Say hello, hello
To goodbye.
<3
|
|
xelferdarkx
|
::
2011 13 May :: 4.52am
Well then
Who would have thought that she would be first to think about having fun. I am really thrown off by this. Its her life now so I should be happy right? There are so many hidden lines in why she even would say that, or maybe not, maybe I am just being the conceded asshat that i am. I'm not one to judge others. Maybe its time that i back out completely and let her be on her own. I don't know. I want to think that it doesn't matter what is actually going on any more. Ever since i saw the last entry, I can't stop thinking about the downfall that I have caused. Its a very heavy burden. Its a lot to take in. I think about it even though i try to convince myself not to my breath get shortened. I should have probably made this post private cause only anger will come out of it, but that's why I created this journal in the first place, to relieve my mind when it already has so much on it.
1 |
<3
|
|