Out of Season

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Out of Season

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:: 2007 6 November :: 11.19pm
:: Music: Hilikus - Incubus

Alright, so, this week has been kind of awful.
My class was canceled Monday, but we weren't told so until we actually got to school, so waste of gas there.
Tonight I had a test in Political Science; I think I did alright, but I don't know for sure, and it was a very large stress enducer for me, and even though it's over with, I'm still stressed about it. Then, once the test was over, we started going over our new stuff, and I told him that I wasn't going to be there on the 20th and he was like "... yeah, ok" and then this guy Jake told him he wasn't going to be there on the 13th and he just like snapped and started bitching and being really rude. So, that was awesome.
Tomorrow I have a speech to give, and I only just got done writing it, but it only has to be like 2-4 minutes and I can bs my way through it if I forget anything.
Thursday I have a powerpoint presentation to give which is worth 200 points. I hate powerpoints. They're effing retarded and just annoy me. On this one I have to insert a sound clip and it's not freaking working so I don't even know what to do. Once I get out of class tomorrow I guess I'll just work on it for a million hours until dumbass Erma (the bitch-face I hate that works at the school) kicks me out. Oh how I loath her.

Anyway, on top of all the stress I have from school, I'm REALLY sick and have these gigantic pills to take, and though I'm not sure what ass tastes like, I'm sure they're fairly close.

The only good thing about this week is that I should be going shopping with Ashley on Friday. She called and asked if I wanted to, and it actually works out because I need to go. I don't have a winter coat yet because... well I live in Missouri and quite frankly it doesn't get all that cold until later into winter, but since I'm goin to Michigan and I'm a huge baby, I need one now. I also need some more jeans and tops. And bras.
I'm thinking I'll ask my parents to just give me money for clothes now instead of waiting for Christmas. Dad'll be cool with it, Mom... I'm not so sure about. Fingers crossed though.

Despite my ranting, I'm actually in a good mood. I get to see Kelly, so I can't even stay in a bad mood if I wanted too, I'm too excited.

:: 2007 5 November :: 12.00am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Ordinary - Train

In short:
Rachel - Happy until further notice.

:: 2007 2 November :: 1.15am
:: Music: Cumbersome - Seven Mary Three

Dear lord I wish sleep would come to me now.
I'm tired but no matter how much I will myself to go to sleep, I lay there staring up at my ceiling. Can we say torture?
Yes, indeed we can.
I laid in bed for over an hour just thinking of things and then I had a huge list of questions I wanted answered, so I was like, "eff this, I'll go google everything," so now here I am, googling shit at 1:20 in the morning, when I would actually like nothing more than to sleep.

:: 2007 28 October :: 12.19am

I went to bed four hours ago, and just woke up feeling completely rested and great.
What. The. Fuck.

:: 2007 27 October :: 1.36pm
:: Mood: working

So, here's the deal:
I watched "Darkness Falls" when it first came out. It's on tv right now. I told myself, "Hey, I've seen it before, no big deal. Nothing else is on, I'll watch it."
Mistake one: Assuming I could watch a scary movie no matter how many time's I have previously watched it.
Mistake two: Making such assumption and acting on them while home alone.
I'm freaking out at every small noise and it's the middle of the afternoon. It's kind of cool until I leave a room and it's all dark behind me and I picture some creepy porciline (sp) masked freak behind me preparing to rip out all my teeth.
I woke up kind of freaked out too, because I had a string of scary dreams, and then I leave my room and no one was home.
I hate Halloween time. I'm such a baby.

Work load today:
-Do English homework I forgot about
-Attempt to not be scared
-Work on my PowerPoint for Comp. Apps.
-Possibly write my speech
-Make Speghetti for supper

Should be a fantabulous day, but before I get started, I'm going to go convience myself that I'm not a pussy by watching this damned movie.

:: 2007 26 October :: 1.01am
:: Music: I'll Be - Goo Goo Dolls

I was just sitting here thinking, and even though we're not physically together, just talking to Kelly makes me the happiest person ever.
I can't wait to be up there. I love him so much, and I hope he know's that I would be a mess without him.
<3 you babe.

:: 2007 24 October :: 7.57pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Crossfade

Invincible - Crossfade
I memorized all the words for you
But if you only knew
How much that's just not like me
I wait up late every night
Just to hear your voice
But you don't know that's nothing like me

You know I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time i've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I want to make sure everything is perfect for you
If you only knew
That's not like me to follow through
Maybe even give up all these dead end dreams
Just to be with you
But you don't know that's nothing like me

Hey yeah I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time i've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

Now I'm waking up
I've finally had enough of this wreck of a lifetime
I never thought I'd survive it
Now I'm taking back
All I gave up for that
Leave my pain behind
Wash these stains from my life

Just when I thought all was lost
You came and made it all okay

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I memorized all the words for you
If you only knew
How much that's just not like me

:: 2007 22 October :: 4.37pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Small Town Saturday Night - Hal Ketchum

Same old, same old... as always
/sigh

:: 2007 17 October :: 7.09pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Welcome to the Black Parade - MCR

I got a letter from Crowder today, and it seems there were funds left over from Financial Aid, so I'm going to be getting back a lot more for this semester than anticipated, like a couple hundred, so I'm excited about that.

That's really all that's new.
Kelly's still amazing. And still mine. <3

:: 2007 12 October :: 7.51pm
:: Music: Television

After searching for a new purse for like 2 months, I finally found the perfect one this morning in Aeropostal. It's brown and pink and freaking huge -- and the best part is that it was 20% off so I got it for like 16 something. I love it.

When we got done at the mall, Tessi and I went over to Kyle's to decorate. I made a penis out of pink streamer and made it jizz, even, with green streamer. I can't wait for Kandace to see it. Oh man.

Dad's bringing me a hamburger and french fries. I'm so excited.

Anyway, I am currently at Tessi's because she wanted me to come pick out something for her to wear and get some stuff together so that when she gets off of work we can just head out there, and I'm done with everything, and I want to talk to Kelly, but she doesn't have msn, and for some reason Meebo won't connect. So... ugh.

-Edit- Meebo's working now!! How amazing.

:: 2007 10 October :: 12.49am
:: Music: I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song - Fall Out Boy

<3'd
Sometimes I wonder what people would look like without toes. There would be no flip flops though, and that would be sad.

In further news, do not even attempt to think that Mountain Dew - Game Fuel is good.
Maybe it is and it knows that I'm not a gamer, so it transformed itself to taste like bottled ass because I'm posing as one to drink it, but I'm doubtful of this theory.

Some dude has a crush on me. It's cool... until I realized I don't know for sure who it is, though I have a really good idea. I was informed through this random ass thing on Facebook that I added that's called like Crushes or whatever, I don't know for sure.
Weird though.
I thought everyone at school thought that I was this weirdo silent person that ocassionally cracked random jokes that most don't get, but if I'm right then this dude is in one of my classes.
The drama continues.

Anyway, congratulations to my darling love Kelly. <3 you!

:: 2007 5 October :: 12.48am
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: Who Knew - Pink

I was on my way home from class (which was really hard tonight) and Tessi called and asked if I could come hang out with her. We haven't hung out or really even talked in weeks so I stopped by and we sat around and talked about everything down to our sex lives. It was fun.
For some reason we decided to go down to Fastrip and buy cigaretts and smoke.
I quit smoking quite some time ago...I know, I know, I'm only 18 wth, but I started when I was like 15 1/2. It was one of those "cool" things to do that I got swept up in. Anyway, I usually end up smoking when I drink, but just smoking to smoke? Don't really do that anymore.
She doesn't either. So... yeah. I don't even know why we did it. It was fun though; we had niccotine buzzes and we did stupid stuff. Another good time to go in the books.
Now I'm left with a pack of cigaretts with no intention to smoke them. Good times though.

Next weekend is Kandace's 19th birthday. It's going to be freaking awesome. I haven't hung out with everyone in a really long time so it'll be nice.

Well... It's 12:55 and I was hoping Kelly would be on, and if not him than at least Jacob but neither are. *sigh*
So I'm going to my room to watch We Are Marshall -- which I stole from Ashley -- and be a big loser.
Awesomesauce.
<3 REP

:: 2007 3 October :: 6.24pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: White and Nerdy - Weird Al

I just found out that next year, FAFSA might be upping the aide to $7000 as opposed to the $4300 we're getting now.
Holy Fuck. I'm poor, that means that if it does happen, I'll be getting $2700 more.
Yay!!

School's getting harder. I'm writing essays and speeches for like every single class and it's getting stressful.
I have three tests next week.
English
Political Science
Computer Applications

So yeah, blah.
Also, it's been storming a lot lately, and we lost power last night from 8:00pm until 4:00pm this evening.
Yeah... it's been real fun.

Despite everything, I'm in a really good mood right now. It's crazy.

:: 2007 1 October :: 12.26am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Go Blind - Hootie and the Blowfish

I got on today and Kelly was away for hours and hours, so whatever's up with that.
Then I kept getting disconnected every five minutes, so I went to my room and read a book. I tried to go to bed early, but I couldn't sleep so I decided to test the internet again. Seems to be working fairly well now.
I don't know what was wrong. It was annoying though.

I've been depressed lately, and really short with everyone. Who know's what's wrong.
I think a trip to Michigan would cheer me up.
That's a long time coming though.

I want to move there after this semester, but "what the fuck would I do?" seems to reverberate in my mind.
I won't have enough money to go to school. I won't have a place to live. I won't have a job. I'm hoping to have a car by then, but even that seems impossible at the moment.
My parents are like, "Ok, we're aware of your intentions to move after this semester, but you should stick around for the rest of the year and move at the end of your freshman year."
What I hate is that it would make sense for me to do that.
I'm getting over $500 back for this semester, I would get close to that back for another semester, and while $1000 isn't a whole hell of a lot of money, it's a starting point.
I just don't want to stay. I'm sick of not being with Kelly. I don't know if that makes me stupid, but that's the way it is.
It helps nothing though. I need to figure everything out, but I'm not sure how to.

Anyway, Jacob gave me this link. It's kind of funny.
http://tlf.cx/bilder/h4x0rs_shampoo.jpg

:: 2007 27 September :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Fuck You Like An Animal - NIN

Earlier today I misplaced the phone, so I was looking for it.
Apparently I had hit the on button, because when I did find it, it said that it had been on for 4:04.
I laughed so hard.
Then I realized that I was a nerd :(

:: 2007 24 September :: 8.36pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Teenagers - My Chimical Romance

Most fucking awful day EVER.

:: 2007 23 September :: 11.49pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" - Fall Out Boy

It was the first day of Fall, which makes me happy. It's my favorite season, and it's so pretty. I love the smell of the leaves.

I've been sick all weekend so I kept holed up in my room watching the marathon of "So You Think You Can Dance" on tv. Also, I slept a lot. I enjoyed it; I love sleep.
The only bad thing about sleeping away my weekend was not getting to talk to Kelly. I wouldn't have been too much of a delight to talk to though, so he'll thank me later.

:: 2007 20 September :: 11.08pm

I've gotten into this weird habit where I'll write and write and write on here, and then when I'm finished I delete it.
It makes me feel better without letting everyone know how fucked up my life has become.
In high school I was forced to be the peppy girl that kept everyone elses spirts up.
When I am happy, holy shit, I am happy. And usually it's accompanied by extreme hyperness, but I'm not happy a lot.
I'm more often than not in a stuck feeling of what I like to call "blah."
I don't like it here anymore. I've associated my home as a place that's keeping me from where I want to be. My family as people doing their best to hold me back. My friends... they're pretty much non-existant anymore. That just plays right into the hands of the cliche "you find out who your friends are."
Jacob... there will always be Jacob. That's a given. He and Kelly are my best friends and I don't see that ever changing.
I think there is also going to always be a Tessi, though that I'm less thrilled about. I hate that I pretended to like her. Everything about her drives me insane, but we have mutual acquantinces so I can't just be like "wow, hey, I actually didn't like you in high school, and I sure as hell don't like you now, so ... goodbye."
That's mean.
I like to think of myself as, though not entirely a nice person, but a fair person.
I'll be rude to someone if they're being rude to me, but I don't tend to go up and start shit. That's just irresponsible to me.
There's also Kandace. She's great. She drinks a lot though, and so when I hang out with her, that's what we do. And we drink until we're passed out drunk.
Now, that's my problem 100% that I go along with it and drink with her, but I don't understand why I do; I don't even enjoy being in that state. She does it all the time, and it works for her, so whatever. I'm glad she enjoys herself. I just hate that we never hang out and do anything else. School was great, we made up stories all the time.
Kelly, you think I'm weird alone, wait until we hang out with Kandace present.
I have fun while drinking with her though, I do. I enjoy drinking. Just not to the point where I wake up and wonder where I am and how I got there.
Johanna... You know the movies where two friends meet up after 20 years and it's like nothing even changed? That's Jo and I. She's my oldest friend, but she's so wrapped up in her boyfriend Matt that we never hang out anymore.
Not that I help that, I never demand a girls night out, I'd rather sit in my pajamas and talk to Kelly.... So I understand completely, and we're still great friends so it works.

I feel like I'm going to be severely punished for taking for granted all the good things in my life, and merely focusing on the bad.
It's hard to be thankful though, when nothing's working out like you planned and you're scared everything that is good is going to come crashing down around you.

Maybe that's what's wrong with me lately. I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose the one thing that's keeping me going that I try to flood my mind with all the shit that's messed up and it's just depressing.
I don't know. I need to knock it off.

:: 2007 17 September :: 8.17pm

I had just gotten out of class and was sitting in the computer lab writing essays and then this woman, Robin, that works at the school came in and was like "You can't leave, there's a situation outside, all the doors are locked. Stay here."
I was like woah wtf, but she wouldn't say what was going on, but this girl came running in and was like "Someone has a gun!" and so then I go over to the lab Ashley was in, and someone said there was no gun so who knows on that.
Anyway, the lock down was for like two hours. It just got lifted, but no one is saying anything still so I have no idea what exactly went on.
I'll make Ashley dig around and ask, she knows like every single person here. I don't talk to anyone.
People creep me out.

:: 2007 17 September :: 4.08pm

Class.... always class....
Fuck

No Kelly, all day. WTF.

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