butterfly
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2007 9 August :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: sleepy
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Words fail me here.
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butterfly
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2007 7 August :: 10.28pm
"Life is getting harder day by day and I don't know what to do, what to think"
That's a clip from a song, a very good song, mind you, that perfectly fits my life atm.
Everything looks fine from anothers point of view apparently, Ashley and I were talking and she seemed shocked that I was close to having a break down, swearing she thought I had everything under control.
That's a problem I've become aware that I have. I don't like help, I like to keep things to myself. My whole life I've pretended to be stronger than I was because that's what my life required. My parents were too demanding and I didn't have friends to talk to, so I just kept everything inside and delt with it accordingly in ways I'm not too proud of.
But anyway, the main point here, is that everything seems to be unraveling before my eyes and it's scary. Mom and I's new relationship, one in which she isn't terrorizing my every moment of life, has already started to fail. She's become condescending and shrewd yet again, and that's put more strain on me than anything else, but I don't want to show her that she's getting to me because that's exactly what she wants to do, so it's kind of an endless loop of disaster waiting to explode.
Anyway, I lost my thought process on that one, so the main point of this is that holy fuck, I need to start packing. I was preparred to do it about 2 months ago, but now that the time actually requires it, I'm way too preoccupied with other things. No good. It's got to be done and soon so that I don't forget things that I need because mom will nag at me forever if I need them to mail me something.
Blah.
I got the name of my roommate, which reminds me that if I refer to my Residence Hall as anything but a Residence Hall, (ie dorm) I shall apparently get my fingers twisted off as in the movie Sniper starring Tom Berenger. They had this huge article on how it was NOT a dorm, for those were things of the past, and not what a Residence Hall is today. It was a "<.< >.>" moment while reading it, I assure you.
Anyway, I didn't get my roommate's phone number, and I'll assume she didn't get mine either, nor did we get each other's email addresses, so it looks like I'm writing a letter to her. Gotta figure out if I'm going to be killed in my sleep. Her name's Emily, which makes her seem normal, but you can never tell with these things.
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butterfly
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2007 1 August :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Promise - Eve 6
I'm finally home after a stressful week of house sitting.
I got paid $320 for it though, so no complaining.
I've got a $2,151.00 payment to make by August 15. Ball suckage.
Leaving here the 16th with my parents to drive up to Michigan. Mom want's to rent a vehicle. Her logic is that if it breaks down, they get us a new one asap, as opposed to us driving one of our vehicles up there and it breaking down and being stranded until it gets fixed which could take who knows how long.
Makes sense.
Kelly and I are good, nothing really new there. We should have a huge fight that way I can cry over it in here. That would be fun. I don't know what we would fight over though. I'll give it some thought. I can't wait to be up there and see him again though, I miss him. It was so unfair to be with him and then have to come back home for two months.
This September it will have been one year that we're together (knock on wood). It doesn't really seem like it, mainly because he was there and I was here I suppose, but still, that's big. Not quite "huge" yet, but exciting nonetheless.
<3
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butterfly
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2007 27 July :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
I was checking my Ferris email, and they said that a change in my Financial Aid had been made, and I was kind of like "oh shit... I've lost money and now I'm going to be screwed."
However, I was given another scholarship for $750 which... I don't know why I was given. I am Soooo not complaining, but still, I honestly don't know why I got my birthday present so late.
I wonder if it's an annual thing... hope so.
Alright, so, I was here today, at the Price's and heard a commotion out in the goat field, grabbed the shot gun and a few shells, and ran outside. A coyote had one of the kids up at the top of the hill, so I shot up into the air, and then took off running up to it, and by the time I got there it's belly had been ripped up and it was just like... ugh, whatever, so I had to put it down. After church there was either the same one or another one out there, and I shot it. So, hopefully that'll be the end of that.
Speaking of church, tonight was the last night of Vacation Bible School. What a wonderful day it was. I was definitly tired of chasing kids around.
Anyway, that's all. I'm tired, I'm going to bed, and I've got that 'Girlfriend' song stuck in my head.
<3
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butterfly
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2007 24 July :: 5.49pm
My neighbors, the Prices, have a goat farm. They called Sunday night and wanted to know if the kids and I would mind going up there and helping them, only they did not consult any of us, they bypassed and communicated with Teh Parentals. Of course they were more than willing to make us go do back breaking work all day.
They have been renovating a house on their property to move into it, and are atm living in a trailer. So we had to unload a trailor full of stuff for the house, and then clean out a shed, shovel goat crap out of it, and then I had to start weed eating. I honestly did it for almost 5 hours straight, and then we had to quit and go home.
Anyway, today we had to go back. Their goats have some hoof disease so I had to hold them still while they got their hooves clipped. I had to sit on a bucket and put their head over my leg and my arm behind their head so their heads were trapped, and they would get pissed and start stabbing me with their effing horns and just UGH. I'm fucking sore as hell and have tiny circular bruises all over my back from the bitch heads.
Anyway, the Prices' leave tomorrow around noon for a cruise they're going on, and I have to stay up there and fucking tend to goats and their cattle and their dogs and weed eat for the rest of my god forsaken life.
/dies.
<3
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butterfly
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2007 19 July :: 7.46am
:: Music: The Story - Brandi Carlile
We found out last night that Dad starts classes on the 20th of August. The same day we were going to leave and drive up there because I have to check into my dorm on the 23rd.
A big "What the hell are we going to do?" seems to have popped up.
Dad's talking about skipping the first week of school, as though that's an intelligent option.
He's really set on coming up and seeing the campus though.
Can't wait to see how this one's going to work itself out.
In other news, I seem to have screwed up my ankle. A cow got out yesterday afternoon and wound up in our yard, so Trevor, Taylor, and I chased it back up to the field (all the cattle are in grandma and grandpa's field). I don't know if I managed to twist it without realizing, but I have bad ankles and usually I'd know if I screwed it up the second it happened. It kind of hurt a little before bed which I didn't think a thing about because the weather's been iffy, and worthy of an old person's, my body is a bitch when it comes to weather. Anyway, I woke up this morning practically unable to walk. It's swollen to hell and bruised just the same.
Seriously though, it's a mystery.
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butterfly
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2007 18 July :: 6.53pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
Um... blah?
Two of my friends, Julie and Tabitha, are pregnant and they both found out today that they're having boys, so that was cool. I thought Tab was having a girl, but whatever.
I bought Premonition and I still can't decide if I like it or not. I think tonight I'll watch the alternate ending and see if it turns out better with that one.
I also watched The Hills Have Eyes 2... fucking creepy as hell. I didn't want to watch it, but yet again was bullied into it by my dear and charming friends, just as I was bullied into watching the first one.
That shits creepy because you don't know if it could really happen or not. Of course it's all scary. I hate scary movies.
I'd swear them off all together if I could convience myself it would hold once another one came out... but no. Not likely. I cave too easily.
Silly push over me.
Anyway, Kelly's gone to go smell paper. idk what's up with that.
Ashley want's to hang out tonight, but she's currently not here, out on a dog selling adventure with father. So... seems I'll be shuffling off to my room to listen to music and read when I think what I actually want to do is go out and do something tonight.
I've been getting these really intense headaches lately. I think it's because I quit reading for awhile and now I've picked it back up and read well into the night, only to wake up fairly early. I should put a halt to this.
Not likely though. <3 reading.
Once again... Blah.
Edit: I watched the alternate ending on Premonition... didn't like it much either, so I don't know. It's a great movie and all though, it just comes at the price of an 'eh' ending.
<3
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butterfly
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2007 16 July :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Tori Amos
Ashley drug me to the lake yesterday with her friends. It wasn't really all that bad, I only creeped my self out a few times and had to swim for the bank and stare at the water to make sure nothing surfaced, preparing itself to gorge upon my limbs. No such surfacing so I stuck it out for a few hours.
Then a storm hit and we packed it up.
Ash and I decided to rent a couple movies -A Little Trip To Heaven, and Freedom Writers- and buy some junk food and headed home and straight to my room.
Today sucked. My head hurt so bad, I guess from having my glasses off for such a long time and straining to see. I don't know, just an assumption, but on top of that I had to pick green beans and snip them all day.
<3
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butterfly
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2007 11 July :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Desperately Wanting - Better Than Ezra
Class Schedule
Monday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
English 1 - 3:00-4:15
Algebra (Mandatory tutoring class I think...) - 4:30-5:45
Tuesday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Literature - 3:00-4:15
Wednesday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
English 1 - 3:00-4:15
Algebra - 4:30-5:45
Thursday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Literature - 3:00-4:15
Friday
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
Hopefully Monday and Wednesday will be the only "harder" days, and I'll be able to make my homework up on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I'm going to be working on campus -hopefully- and Kelly's sister said that they work really well with your schedual so that should be alright.
I talked to Kelly earlier and I don't know, he kind of seemed preoccupied so I just left. He was working at Eden and I always feel bad talking to him while he's there anyway so oh well. We'll probably just talk tomorrow.
I need to call Ferris and see when my scholarship money will be put into my bank account so that I can go ahead and order my text books. I called the bank today and they said I still hadn't recieved it so I should do that tomorrow if I've got time.
We're adding on to two of the existing buildings we have, so mom and dad have Taylor and I outside all day doing random work to prepare for that. Plus we're finally getting rid of the kennel because everyone's just done with it and so we're cleaning up all that junk. We've sold a lot of the dogs and so we have to tear down the pens on the ground, and clean out the one building we still have left. There's just always busy work so I never have time to get on here during the day anymore it seems, which isn't fair to Kelly because then I want to stay up late at night so that we can talk, but of course he doesn't want to stay up until one or later every single night so... I don't know, hopefully things will get back to normal here pretty soon.
I think Ashley's going to move back home when I leave, since dad will be starting school too -he's going to college to become a teacher since the carpentry business is just tearing up his body too much, plus my uncle, who's the co-owner with dad, is retiring pretty soon, so there's really no point in keeping it up. Mom's never been one to get along with her children too well, so it's always been Dad, Ashley, or I that had to be here for a buffer between her and the kids, so that's probably why Ash would move back in, also to help around the house.
Things are just crazy and stressful right now.
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butterfly
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2007 10 July :: 11.58pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Something's Always Wrong - Toad The Wet Sprocket
I was outside with Taylor for like... probably a long time, idk, and Kelly went to bedzorz so like le sigh and stuff.
I was like "oh I'm nauseous... Taylor come outside with me so I can get some fresh air plz /sad face" and so we went and sat outside and talked and then I come back in and Kelly was like "I'm going to bed... love ya" and so now I'm NOT tired and have no one to talk to and it's midnight and so I guess movie ftw.
Blah.
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butterfly
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2007 6 July :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Sorry - Buck Cherry
Talking to Kelly...
He always makes me feel good.
I love him, and I love being mushy.
Ok so I was in my room piddling around, going through stuff that I'd kept from high school and was throwing things away, and then the phone was like "oh watch me ring" and I was like "Oh? well watch me answer you"
and then there was my old boss from Country N. He was like "ugh the waitress broke her arm and you're the only one I know so ... come in" and I was like "bitch, you better pay me better than you did last time I worked, or I'll mess you up so good" and he was like "um... okay??" and then ... that was all. I got ready and went in and worked.
It was freaking dead though, I only made like $25 in tips. Blah.
Anyway, tomorrow I shall spend the day at the gross park because of the annual Wheaton BBQ and my parents part in it. Blah.
Oh and then my parents get in a fight and mom forces everyone to sleep. Imagine the hostility I feel for her atm.
/Shooting her with my laser eyes.
<3
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butterfly
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2007 4 July :: 7.37pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Looking Glass - Stone Cold
Working outside sucks. I always end up with poison oak or poison ivy, yet my parents are always like "outside, now!" and then freak out with when I get either of the aforementioned things.
Stupid heads.
/eye roll
Anyway, my parents are like "zomg fireworks" and idk they kind of bore me. Yeah, you get a cool one every now and then, but for the most part they're boring and reduntant.
Kelly's going to leave and either go hang out with PJ or watch Transformers.
It's times like this when I wish I were still in Michigan. I had such a good time up there, and we didn't really do anything. Good company is how to explain it I suppose.
Blah
Watch me have an emo moment.
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butterfly
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2007 3 July :: 10.47pm
:: Mood: cranky
Church social thing was tonight.
Ate, had wheel-barrow races, and then sat and talked until it was dark enough to do fireworks.
It sucked.
I got ice cream dumped on my headby a dumbass , and ditched by Renkoski for cowboys because he was horny.
Plus, I now have enough bug bites to like name them and divide them into families.
Kelly's still on though, so I'm not near as mad as pre-Kelly conversation.
<3 him.
/itches
/sighs
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butterfly
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2007 1 July :: 9.03pm
Something as perfect as the trip is hard to put into words.
I got delayed 7 hours on the way up there, so that was less time to spend with Kell which sucked.
He's so perfect. I love him.
Ooh watch me go all starry eyed.
Seriously though, I had the best time ever.
<3 cuddling.
I didn't want to leave, I don't want to be at home right now. I want to be with mah baby :(
He smells amazing too.
Seriously, if no one has noticed how awesome Kelly smells, go smell him. asap.
If anything it'll creep him out and make everyone lawl.
/goes on forever about Kelly.
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butterfly
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2007 26 June :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Dead Skin - Crossfade
I went to bed at 3 something and got up at 7 and did a million errands and now my head hurts and I leave in like 7 hours.
It doesn't seem like I'm even leaving because usually you leave for trips in the morning, not at 9 effing 15 at night.
--Editzorz--
My dad went to the bank with me because he had to talk to this guy that had to sign my check that I was getting cashed, and on the way to Cassville he told me he was proud of me, and I started crying because it was the first time he'd ever said that. I and my amazing powers pulled it off as eyes watering because they do that a lot, but... I don't know. It made me sad.
But anyway, now I'm off to sleep. Hopefully this headache will go away because it is very unwanted and unneeded.
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butterfly
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2007 26 June :: 12.07am
/sigh
I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.
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butterfly
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2007 25 June :: 5.40pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Never Gonna Say I'm Sorry - Ace of Base
I opened up a checking account today. I got sick to my stomach doing it, too. I'm just doin loads of things all by myself. Buying a bus ticket with My money, not battin my eyes and having daddy pay for it, I'm goin to Michigan alone, goin to school where I aint got no family, and now I've opened up my own checking account.
It's terrifying.
I leave tomorrow night. I'm going to be on a bus, by myself for like 19 hours. That reminds me that I need a little light thing to read. I so doubt I'll sleep much, if at all.
I'm so excited though!!
Gosh, I feel like a hormonal freak, my emotions are just everywhere.
Scared, nervous, excited, ecstatic, on the verge of throwin up, giddy... there just aint no end to it.
I hope Kell's just as much of a mess as me though. Ha. He aint gotta sit on a bus in the company of strangers for 19 hours and get a numb ass. I doubt I'll even remember how to walk once I'm off that dumb bus. Stupid Greyhound.
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butterfly
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2007 23 June :: 8.39pm
:: Mood: heroic
Folsom Prison
PJ and I were talking about Johnny Cash and so I'm doing what must be done to save mankind.
I hear the train a comin'
It's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine,
Since, I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Folsom Prison,
And time keeps draggin' on,
But that train keeps a-rollin',
On down to San Antone.
When I was just a baby,
My Mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy,
Don't ever play with guns,"
But I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him die,
When I hear that whistle blowin',
I hang my head and cry.
I bet there's rich folks eatin',
In a fancy dining car,
They're probably drinkin' coffee,
And smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin',
I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a-movin',
And that's what tortures me.
Well, if they freed me from this prison,
If that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move out over a little,
Farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison,
That's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle,
Blow my Blues away.
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butterfly
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2007 23 June :: 7.23pm
:: Music: Colors - Crossfade
I was such a bum at the start of the day, but I feel justice has been served by my dearest mother.
I went to bed around 2:30-3:00, and got up a little after 2:00.
Then mom was like "haha, I tricked you with letting you sleep." handed me a broom and a mop and told me to get to work.
So, the floors are all pretty now, and I even dusted, cleaned the stove top with the shiney-making stuff, cleaned out the fridge and did laundry.
It makes me sick when people walk on the floor after I mop though.
Yesterday was fun. Renkoski came over and we sat and goofed off at the house for awhile, and then we went to Tessi's and watched Brokeback Mountain.
He had never watched it before, but Tessi, Johanna, Whitney and I all watched it when it came out on dvd. Awkward.
lol it was fun to watch his face throughout the movie.
... well if that didn't make me sound like a creephead.
WOW.
Done with that story now.
Anyway, later that night all the guys went camping and Tessi and I met up with Kandace at Kyle's and sat around and screamed/sang angry girl music to Joey and Kyle (which pretty much made their ears bleed) and played cards. It was great fun.
Other than that, I've fallen in love with this song all over again.
Bother - Stone Sour
Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
[Solo: Corey]
Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries
And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit
<3
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butterfly
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2007 22 June :: 5.37pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: I wish I felt nothing - Wallflowers
I want to talk to Kelly... he's set to away. He wasn't there when I attempted to talk to him last night either, so... ugh.
Kandace, Tessi, and I are having a girls night thing tonight, and I'm leaving around 7:30 so I kind of wanted to talk to him before I left to let him know what was going on, but then obviously that isn't happening.
So I'm pretty nervous. I'm leaving in four days, something that doesn't even seem possible.
I know I won't be what he expects, and I doubt he'll be exactly what I expect, and that's quite terrifying.
What if we don't hit it off, don't have the chemistry that's needed in order to pull off a relationship? Do we just break up and will I still plan on going up there, only to possibly sit and be alone in my dorm in a state where I don't know anyone? Surely we'd still be friends. And then I guess that's a little obsurd, I've talked to a few people, and I'll be living on campus for Pete's sake, it's inevitable that I meet a few people.
I guess it's just really starting to dawn on me that I'm making a huge decision moving across the world to be with him. Pretty late in the game for that thought, though.
I'm not having doubts by any mean, I love Kelly to death, and I don't even want to fathom not being with him, but things do happen.
Just over a year ago I was planning a summer wedding with Karl. Now he's not even really in my life. We talk occasionally, but it pretty much consists of
"hey"
"hey"
"what's up?"
"nothing. u?"
"eh, nothin really either"
And then that's that.
Granted, there are like NO resemblences between Kelly and Karl, so it so wouldn't even be the same story.
Ugh, I just need to stop thinking maybe. I worry way too much, and these random thoughts that I'm sproutin out makes me feel like my mother.
Talk about creepy...
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