Stuck in the Past

:: 2011 13 December :: 5.18pm

Holidays are depressing.

Im sinking into oblivion again this winter. As per usual. Alone.

rayray

:: 2011 11 December :: 10.16pm

I need to vent, while my child is screaming it out by herself.
At my house, its not considered "cry it out".. It's screaming it out, or being murdered. She has a set of lungs, and doesn't let up. Like at all. Ever. She doesn't know how to self soothe. She screams bloody murder, and would go on for HOURS and probably days if I let her. She is stubborn. I'm scared she's going to choke on all the saliva/snot she makes from all the screaming, or when she gets to the point where she throws up. Luckily, she always seems to throw up on the floor and not in her bed or all over herself.

From January to November, once she was asleep at night, she wouldn't wake up til about 8ish.. Once in awhile it would be a little early, and then it started getting later.. And I had her going to sleep in her own bed, on her own. Since the time change/her first birthday, she was waking up between 6 and 7.. Once I got her to sleep til 8 or later, she has been waking up a million times during the night. When she is in her crib, awake, she screams bloody murder like she is being attacked. She could be dead asleep, and the second she touches the mattress in her bed, she is screaming so bad, her body stiffens right out.

I can't seem to win. And now Mike is on 3rd shift, so I have to get her to sleep before he goes to work, otherwise it'll be 10 times harder to get her to go to sleep..

So far, she has been screaming for 12 minutes, and Tyson keeps whining and barking like he needs to go protect her.

I feel like a bad mom for complaining about my child, but I miss sleep. Good sleep, where I don't wake up a million times, or in pain from having to make room for everyone else and sleeping all funky.

22 minutes later, she is still screaming, but not nearly like she was.. And a half an hour ago, she was passed out in my bed and had been sleeping since 9..

6 hit Combo!! | Pull a combo!

:: 2011 6 December :: 2.08am

never met the bitch but I fucked her like I missed her

:: 2011 6 December :: 2.02am

DJ Cupps in the mix... rockin the 1's and 2's

:: 2011 28 November :: 11.30pm

Well... now that there's a hole in my door I think moving out is the only option I have.

spud	:: 2011 28 November :: 1.47pm Damn You Auto Correct i get an unexpected day off, and this is what i'm doing. feels good to laugh, though. 2 hit Combo!! \| Pull a combo!

spud

:: 2011 27 November :: 4.16pm

so, friday didn't go very well. i still enjoyed myself, to a certain extent, but it definitely did not go like i had hoped. i just have too much faith in people being open-minded. i really need to learn to keep my trap shut, because not everyone is as accepting of differences as i am. or as tolerant of stupid shit.

--------------

thursday was fine. there was food. the lions lost. my family sat around. the highlight of my evening was playing liar's dice with the alspaugh guys.

last night was fairly epic, if uneventful.

and i got my scooter fix for the weekend. so that's good.

:: 2011 26 November :: 1.01am

Seriously?
Wow. Just...wow. This totally just broadsided me.

I hate fb so much at times. Most the time.
This is one of them.

A picture of the person I like(read: Im trying not to like) with someone who was a friend online entitled "ha".

Hows that for a big "Fuck you" moment? I feel insulted, jealous, irate, and put-off. How can I not?

Im angry that the plan changed, that things between us changed, and now this...

"Nails in the coffin" of the issue is how I feel about the you and these issues. I get riled up about this whole thing very easy because of my current mental state. Its very low fyi. Though in my defense being alone all the time can do this do a person.

Im so cynical all the time and thinking every ones out to cut me down. Today Im right. Today I am being cut down and someone is trying to push my buttons.

Can I curl up in a ball now? Id love to do that about now.

6months ago, I pictured this going so much differently. Now that Im here I want to rewind the tape, give the middle finger to it all, and just move on.

:: 2011 25 November :: 12.54pm

Thanksgiving was good with the exception of the reffing in the lions game. What the fuck was that? I guess if Aaron Rodgers can't actually produce the yardage to get to the red zone you have to give it to him.

whatever.

Other then that everything is gravy :)

I dont' think I've ever been this full in my life.

Is someone really going to hire me?

:: 2011 24 November :: 10.59am

Fuck holidays.

Im mad that you havent come to vie for my attention! Grr! I hate it.

I need to fix this, but I cant myself to have the words on how to do that.

Whats worse is that even if I do fix this, will it be fixed so I dont keep wallowing in that strange territory that you put me into.

Do you even understand my side of things in the slightest? Do you even try to understand my side?

sugarjackj

:: 2011 21 November :: 11.53pm

Do you ever miss something so much it hurts?

Such good times I'll never forget.
And at the same time horrible life changing events.

Internal conflict of emotions.

Ewwww.

:: 2011 21 November :: 7.18am
:: Music: Margrot & The Nuclear So and So's- Broadripple is Burning

30-36hrs
Patient realizes hes stupid. This was a dumb decision. How could I ever have you think this is more than just me being dumb?

But how else can I get you to show me that you actually cared? At all.

I wish I had cameras everywhere all the time, so I know how you reacted after I left. This would be easier if I knew that.

:: 2011 20 November :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Xx - Crystalized

24hrs
Here we are. 24 hours later. I felt like shit all damn day. My phone is filling up with saved drafts of text messages I want to send.

Now that Ive made the choice I feel I made the wrong one.

I feel like I should have taken the skype, msn, and computer problems as a better sign. 30minutes of skype video crashing my system and then moving to another computer only to have the same problem.

Its eating at me like a cancer. I feel like Ive just thrown away the only good friend I had left. I want to break something, shout, go nuts, and just generally make it feel better.

To top it off I never got to say half of what I wanted. Which is that if she can show me what I am, what I mean to her...Id be so much more at ease. Or so I hope.

So Marley, if you happen by this place. Show me you care. Show me why. Help me understand things. I miss you. I need you.

-----------------------------
I feel like shit and I only have 1 day of work between me and at least a weeks worth of days off. Im going to be sinking to depths I havent seen before without her.

I litterally have no one to lean on.

I have plenty of people I can talk to. Online gamer "friends", mtg "friends", coworkers I get along with...short list...
None of which want to hear my woes or have advice to enrich my life. None to actually be there for me.
I need friends. No. I need good friends. Friends who would go out of there way for me. And me for them.

No wonder Im alone.

Which brings me to the best(worst) part of all this. I still have my id/ego/superego issue looming over my head. I have self perspective on the situation like I live in third person.
Ya, I talk to myself.
Im crazy.
Can you blame me for being this way if all Ive ever had in life is people pick on me?
Yup I blame others.
I wont say I do not have short comings, but holy shit I was given a raw deal here.

No goals.
No friends.
No love.

Happy Holidays, am I right?

:: 2011 20 November :: 2.03pm

so... I switched cuts last night for some cash to get out early, hopped on the metro, and made my way downtown to some club with only letters and numbers in the name trying to sound hip (tr 5768 or cb 12 12 or pg 3030 or something like that).

I danced my ass off (what little I had). I got in there and I was greeted immediately by a beautiful girl of the Peruvian persuasion, three shots of tequila, and a group of nice people. 3 hours later... all the stress and problems and worries and frustrations I seemed to have had are gone, rendering yesterdays post pointless. :) Funny how shitty dance music can do that.

except for the room mate thing. That's still on. They've been trying to not be so abrasive but I feel as though I've already made up my mind. This morning after Diana left, I went back to sleep only to be awoken by the sounds of sex coming through the vents. I've owned it up to a bad living situation at this point, because I can't really hate on that.

Advantages of new apartment:

~$100 less a month
bigger room that isn't next to the door that opens like a vault at fort knox
bigger kitchen and living room area
better room mates

My new room mates are both girls, however. We're all currently in a relationship of 4 months - 2 years so that's not really an issue, I've just never really lived with a girl other than my mom (who doesn't count). I'm both curious and mortified at the prospect. largely worried about shower time, but they aren't necessarily the "get really gussied up every day like we're going out" type.

so... next step is find a new job. wish me luck.