NEW SONG ...
i've realized many of the things i write start with a vision that i describe, in turn transforming into a song. here's one i just wrote; i think i'm calling it "ooze."



The heat, the scorching flames of a fire
Are licking at my arms,
Sauntering closer toward me -
They clench my curiosity and
I can't help but crawl closer to them.

My fingers stretch out to brush
The churning yellow and orange,
Fluorescent wonders to my eyes.
The blue flicks out to grab my wrist
And pull me under,
But instead I am swept away by strong arms...

The flame recedes to the ground,
A showering, wet love extinguishing its danger
And for a while I am dancing in cold drops that fall
And linger at my feet,
Puddles of mercy and grace and salvation,
Puddles where You lead me to splash and absorb,
Soak in Your majesty and ooze Your greatness.

Lord, my life to live is Yours,
Lord, I will ooze You like a saturated cloth
To be wrung by all who know You not
So they will see that Your love does not run dry -
I will do this
All because You have rescued me from that fire,
All because You have saved me from that eternal death
That death ignited by Satan's matches.



that's all i have so far. i love writing my praise out to god ... it gives a sense of completion, expression. it feels wholehearted, and god doesn't admire halfheartedness.

well i'm off to read, i'm terribly behind.

love in christ,
autumn

WAY TOO MUCH GOING ON
the subject is pretty self-explanatory. i don't even know what i want to talk about.

camp ... whoa. this is why i don't like journals - i hate putting words to things that can't be described. i hate having to describe something that can't be described in less than five BILLION words. i just grew so much ... and i learned so much. i realized that some of my ways of thinking were wrong. god really straightened me out. and i'm actually getting better with the whole boldness situation, thanks to my buddy jesus. but after camp i realized how much i believe what i read and hear - i read the purpose-driven life like it was the BIBLE. and some of the things in it weren't entirely correct!

for instance, in PDL it talks about worship being a lifestyle. jeremy (our speaker, he's incredible and passionate - he's like a good friend) was talking about his research into christian pop culture, and how everyone says that worship is a lifestyle - mow your lawn for god. pick up a piece of trash for god. wee, it makes him happy!

sure, it makes him happy. but he doesn't say wow. did you know that worship in the bible is referred to THREE times as a lifestyle? but did you know that worship is connected with physically bowing down before god ONE HUNDRED TWENTY-EIGHT times? yeah. gotcha on that one, huh? i had absorbed the words of a simple book, but had not done my biblical research. i assumed that, if rick warren gave me one bible verse that backed up his words, then it was all justified.

sheesh, i feel so stupid.

worship was so ... beautiful, you know? jeremy gave us a talk about living the words that you sing in worship - if you say, "bow down," you show you mean it by, well, bowing down. if you don't mean those words that you say (and i'm not saying you're a hypocrite if you don't do what the words say), and they're halfhearted, that is what using the lord's name in vain means.

camp was the first time i've ever physically bowed down before god in worship in public. god's helping me conquer my cowardice - i'm working up to boldness one step at a time, thanks to christ. in those songs i sang, and i felt like crap after singing them, it was because i just sang the words, just sang a meaningless song. so i have a question for you (bryan asked our group this) - when you're singing during worship, do you feel like you're just singing a song or do you feel like you mean it?

gosh, it was so beautiful - after jeremy talked about the bowing down thing, and meaning what you sing, jason and the band did "here i am to worship." when the part "here i am to bow down" came, i just watched people drop to their knees - not out of obedience to what jeremy said (aka, "hey look you guys, i'm doing what jeremy said to do!"), but out of love and honor to god (aka, "god, you're WORTH it.").

much more to say, i'll update again later.

true love in christ the father,
au†umn



"what is this place i've found
this sacred ground where you and i will run?
oh that i'd never leave from here.
and with every second spent
the world around me seems to fall away
and with it all concerns and fears.

so i'm thanking you now
for showing me how to love you
for showing me how to find myself in you
so here's my song

and i am yours
i am yours

what is this grace i've found
that brings to light the deepest parts of me
and yet it's this grace that pulls me through
and with every glance from you that comes my way
i'm feeling more alive
so i'm gonna keep my eyes on you

so i'm thanking you now
for showing me how to love you
for showing me how to lose myself in you
o here's my song."

LAST ENTRY BEFORE CAMP
is it not obvious that i'm completely ecstatic about camp? for many reasons i have mentioned before.

last night my mom talked to me and said that things were going to work out, that i should always be myself, not having to feel like i have to please everyone - that i "don't need to be a straight-a student" because i am "very creative" and so on and so forth. she said i would live my life the way i wanted to and find a good husband.

well, that's all nice and good but ... gosh, who CARES what i want? it's what my dear lord wants! it's not about me! it's about making HIM happy and fulfilling HIS purpose! maybe he doesn't even WANT me to get married! who knows - i might not even see the light of day or be here come next month. who knows. i don't see how it's okay to be selfish. i see how it's okay to be yourself, but not living for everything you want. but it doesn't mean i don't have respect for what my mom said - in summary, she was saying: "don't try to please everyone. go your way. be yourself. do what you want, not what we want."

gotta go buhbye

THE PAST COMES BACK.
wow, i'm debating whether i should talk about this or not. i'm starting to think ... no. or maybe. or ... i don't know! i'll just say, old stuff came up that i'm not sure if i should patch up.

camp in ... TWO days! i'm really excited ... for many reasons. one reason being that i need to get out of the house, away from this drama and godlessness. let's just say the homelife isn't going so well. i'm still seeking god about what i should do.

i just feel very rushed right now ... what with summer reading, catching up with my bible readings, this journal, and my god journal. i wish summer reading could be a last priority, but the thing is, i have SO MUCH OF IT that it has to take up a good fraction of my time. but i guess it goes along with my choice to read four instead of three.

the fourth book i read was angels and demons by dan brown, the author of da vinci code. a&d is the prequel. i was thinking it was a good book until the end. the end was just ... i can't think of any word other than terrible, or wretched. the most sincere character in the book was reduced to a murderous maniac. religion is just everywhere in the book - religion, religion, RELIGION. there were mentions of god the creator, but not god the father. the book kept saying, "where was god NOW?"

people deny god's existence because bad things happen in the world. and they wonder why. they say, "if there's a god, why does bad stuff happen? does god even care?" but if the world were pristine, we would not grow. we would stay lazy and crap like that, because pain, more than anything, builds us up. look at JOB! he lost everything! not because god said, "heh heh heh, i'm going to take away his animals and his family and everything he has. it'll be FUNNY!" satan said, hey man, i'm gonna do this bad crap. okay with you, god? and god said, okay, but don't kill him, don't hurt him THAT bad. it'll just be a test for him to see if he's got the love and faith for me that i know he has.

and i mean, LOOK AT JESUS!!!! pain, everywhere! i mean, just look at the CROSS. the worst death. but look what his death taught us. it taught us that the word turned into flesh and blood, and "moved into the neighborhood" (john 1:14). it taught us love. the most gruesome form of death taught us how to live. amazing, isn't it?

you know what else is a cool-but-odd thought? blood has this connotation of death, hate ... but when babies are born, they are soaked in blood. it's like, if you think of blood and jesus, you think, ooh, cross. but if you think twice ... blood and jesus. the blood of christ cleanses us so that we are born again. quite a brilliant analogy, isn't it? the same blood that came from death springs us to birth, a birth in christ.

well i'm writing a little bit more. lots of revisions to be done. tim said i could bring my guitar to camp, which is great because i haven't played in a month, on account of a popped string. plus, music is a great form of spiritual expression.

well i'm off to wherever - shower, shopping with the girls, starting the laundry, getting some packing done, fixing my guitar ...

oh yeah, the boys are off to state - yay! i'm really excited about that. andrew's last year in baseball has proved to be his best.

see you later, a lot to talk about.

love in christ,
au†umn

"Take not Your Spirit from me
Lord, lead me to Your peace ...
For my one desire
Is to be with You
Come cleanse my life and make me pure
Won't You wrap me up in Your arms and

Take me higher and draw me closer
And pull me deeper than I've ever been

Hide not Your face from me
Lord set my spirit free
For my one desire is to be with You
Come cleanse my life and make me pure
Won't You wrap me up in Your arms and

Take me higher and draw me closer
And pull me deeper than I've ever been
Take me higher and draw me closer
And pull me deeper than I've ever been

Take me higher
Won't You draw me closer
Take me higher than I've ever been
Next to You is where I wanna be
Take me higher than I've ever been
Take not Your Spirit from me
Take me
Take me higher than I've ever been before

Take me higher and draw me closer
And pull me deeper than I've ever been
Take me higher and draw me closer
And pull me deeper than I've ever been"

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

SECULAR HUMANISM = EERILY SYMBOLIC?
saw spider-man 2 with mom and jeff today - a really good movie, actually. a quote said by peter parker's aunt may got me thinking about god ...

"I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams."

it's ironic how, in completely secular movies, god is so illuminated, yet so concealed, in the things the characters say. i mean, read the quote. the hero IS god! it's not the good in US that makes us honest, strong, fruitful in general - it's the GOD in us. and all these secular, mainstream songs - all the songs about life, even some of the crappy, bubble-gum-pop love songs that make millions of dollars - they're just so ... relevant to god. you could pick up a cd by dashboard confessional and, while listening to certain songs, swear he's talking about god. but no, he's talking about some girl. and then there's music talking about somebody rescuing them ... but oh no, it's not GOD, it's the hot "boy-next-door" who the singer is "so in love" with.

for some reason i think i've talked about this before.

but you could praise god with secular music. weird, huh? i say, it's not necessarily the intention of the artist that determines whether it can be used to praise god. it's what you make it.

but i'm not saying that all secular music is worship to god. some songs simply can not be perceived as godly. and you KNOW what i mean ...

so let's put it straight and simple: you can use any music you like to praise god, but only if you know what you're singing and listening to is praising him - not the hot chick, not the hot guy, not the girlfriend or boyfriend, and not the celebrity.

i guess there's more i want to say about it, but i figure if i might go too far into blah blah blah stuff. next time i will actually look up some of god's word and include it, just to make it certain that what i'm saying isn't just ... what i'm saying. you know what i'm saying? ...

... lol, just a bit of comic relief there.

BIG FROG! i'm just ... CRAZY. EXCITED. HYPER. INSANE.EVERYTHING! i just got really excited talking to d-mo on the phone last night, knowing that soon i would have a whole week to spend with god and my family. i think i've spent way too much time at home, in a place where i don't feel very open to discuss god. but in a week ... yes, lord, YES! ... complete devotion, the way it should be, in an atmosphere where i am completely liberated from all the frustration. i just need to let god clear my head.

well i'm off, lots of love, hugs, and kisses to all. i love hugs and kisses. i love love. *gets up from chair and does crazy shaky jesus dance*

utmost, pure love, from the savior,
au†umn

p.s. the artist of the song of the day is going to be playing at camp ... so check him out, here. he's very good, very mellow. last year, the robbie seay band played, and they were just ... incredible. so make sure you check them out, too -
here. amazing people ...

"What is this place I've found
This sacred ground where You and I will run
O that I'd never leave from here
And with every second spent
The world around me seems to fall away
And with it all concerns and fears
So I'm thanking You now
For showing me how to love You
For showing me how to find myself in You
Here's my song
I am Yours
What is this grace I've found that brings
To light the deepest parts of me
And yet it's this grace that pulls me through
And with every glance from You that comes my way
I'm feeling more alive
So I'm going to keep my eyes on You
So I'm thanking You now
For showing me how to love You
For showing me how to lose myself in You
O here's my song"

QUICK VERSES TO REMEMBER
thought i'd post some quick verses i might discuss later ...

[+]john 14:15 - "if you love me, keep my commandments." {not "i demand that you keep my commandments}
[+]john 15:18 - "if the world hates you, remember that it hated me first."
[+]matthew 16:24 - "then Jesus said to his disciples, "if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me."
[+]matthew 7:16 - "you shall know men by their fruits. do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?"
[+]matthew 11:25-26 - "at that time jesus said, 'i praise you, father, lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the sophisticates, and revealed them to the ordinary. yes, father - that is the way you work.'"

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

TESTING, TESTING ... 1, 2, 3 ...
*taps microphone* testing ... testing ... *keerrshh*
[ ]verse of the day

[ ]verse of the day

[P]verse of the day

[x]verse of the day

[ ]verse of the day

[ ]verse of the day

[P]verse of the day

[ ]verse of the day

[ ]verse of the day

[x]verse of the day

[ ]verse of the day

[ ]verse of the day

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

BROTHERS AND SISTERS EVERYWHERE
i love talking to people about god. it's wonderful - feels like home. i talked to a good friend from 6th grade, akal, about god. i love that - talking to people who love the same father i do. and i mean, the real-deal people. people who aren't just being ... good. here we go ...

viNtagePiNk x0Oo: hey!
AKAL: hey gurl!
AKAL: how are ya?
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i'm great how are you
AKAL: awesome :-)
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: how has your summer been
AKAL: really fun, but it's going by waaay to fast
AKAL: you?
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: same here
viNtagePiNk x0Oo:
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: how's the god life going?
AKAL: AWESOME
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: that's great to hear!
AKAL: i think my youth group is the best thing that i have ever experienced!
AKAL: how about yours?
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: really! same here ... god is showing me so much at this church
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it's like i'm part of a family, whereas my old church ... it just didn't feel like it
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it felt like everybody was judging me, you know?
AKAL: what church do you go to?
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: gateway
AKAL: yeh i know the feelin'
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: you?
AKAL: lake murray pres.
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: cooool
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i guess god's kinda taught me that i need to be a radical, crazy for him, instead of the nice little "good-person" christian, you know?
AKAL: yeh, for example, one day i just randomly decided to pray @ lunch during school, and one of the teachers was like, what are you doing?!?!
AKAL: and i just looked at her and said, i'm praying.
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: go akal! that's awesome ... we do that at school sometimes, before it starts
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: whoa akal, that's really ... great
AKAL: :-) i think everyone has the freedom to express their religious beliefs, in public and privately, you know?
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: exactly
AKAL: haha thanx
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: like, my brother in christ asked the administrators if we could pray before the starting bell, and he said "as long as you dont offend anybody"
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: its like, okay, so you can't pray, but you can curse?
AKAL: omg that's crazy!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah
AKAL: are you in FCA?
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it's so weird, how twisted things are - praying to the father you love is offensive, and gets you in trouble. it's like, why???
AKAL: well, our administrators asked me if i was in FCA, and when i said yes they said, then why are you praying now?
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: oh my gosh!
AKAL: i was like, because i feel like it duh!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it's like, god doesn't exist only in church and stuff, you know?
AKAL: i know!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: some people are only christians on sundays, but then they go their way the rest of the week
AKAL: exactly!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: all i have to say is, jesus isn't for wimps
AKAL: but then there are some that don't go to church at all but then pray everyday and worship him just the same
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah, exactly
AKAL: but they should still go to church--just to share in his love and learn to worship w/ others
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: exactly! church has helped me so much
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: if i didn't go to it, i would feel so alone, because my family is there
AKAL: i know same here
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and it's great having older guidance
AKAL: yes and being able to ask questions and knowing i'll get comforting and solid answers you know?
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah, exactly
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i mean it's awesome being with people your age, but it's also great getting to hear god's word through people who've known him for a great portion of their lives
AKAL: yes!!!!!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i don't know ... it feels like my old church didn't have it straight
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i don't know what they're like now, but they just didn't talk about god as a father, or salvation, or use scripture
AKAL: and i love the fact that there's a place i can go where i can just worship him---like my worries are gone for those 3 hours and i can just think about him
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and that's what religion is - just laws and stuff to go by. but you don't go to god to get a religion - you go to get HIM
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: exactly!
AKAL: riiight!!!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah, and worshipping around other people who welcome you
AKAL: and have your common beliefs
AKAL: just people i can really relate to
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i used to think i didn't need the bible and stuff, but i realized how arrogant that was of me - i mean, every answer to our questions is clearly said by god in there
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: me too
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and they admit their faults
AKAL: yes i know
AKAL: i gg girl
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it was awesome talking to you!
AKAL: ttyl LYL&L
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: love you
AKAL: same here
AKAL: :-)

well that's all i have to post for now. i'll talk later - got some stuff to do.

love,
au†umn



"may the path that i walk
be the path of righteousness
may the words from my mouth
give you praise
may my heart be your home
and a place of holiness
i worship you in love
i lift You, lift You up

sing alle
alleluia
to the father
to the lord
sing alle
alleluia
to the savior
forevermore"

WHOA. ...
a lot going on, i guess. last night was the best game the guys have EVER played, period. it was classic underdog.

the third and fourth innings (i think that's it) were long and slow and painful - the score got up to 13-2, and earlier i had prayed that god's will would be done. i was beginning to think that his will was for the other team to win ... until we started to kick it up. we had a 6-run inning and the score was brought up 13-8, and i everyone was beginning to see some light. soon we were TIED in the LAST inning. i was getting a little tense but was telling myself, "AUTUMN! god has already planned this! whatever happens is what he wants!" so the FIRST hit in the very last inning was a HOME RUN!!!! and we won! and now, if we beat them tonight, we're moving on to the next series. that game was so crazy ... 13-2, then 13-14 ... whoa ... thank you kyle for that home run! i sure hope it's in the paper. for some reason the paper doesn't write up on our games.

next thing ... i guess i'm just searching for scripture. lately it's been exciting me - i mean, you hold this hefty book in your hand with tissue-thin paper in it, and you think ... the power of god's word is in between the covers of this book. the answers to all my questions ... are in HERE. it's crrrrrraaaazy! but i guess i used to think the bible was a big boring thing. but it's really not - i'm especially interested by paul and his letters. i mean, everything he says relates to modern day life - and i mean, come ON, things have changed since AD 33. but yet, circumstances are still the same - people commit adultery, lie to eachother, abandon god and his word. it was there and then, but it's HERE and NOW as well.

i can't put my finger on what concept gets me so excited, though. maybe it's just knowing that truth is just a verse away - the questions i've pulled my hair over are answered in a simple letter. and i just think that's utterly cool and way awesome.

i was reading the purpose-driven life and it talked about starting a journal writing about lessons you've learned, because people are really forgetful. i started one, it's not hot but it's getting there. i guess right now i'm going to type up a couple of important verses, and continue later. i have to start remembering them ...

[+] psalm 119:105 - "your word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."
[+] ephesians 4:25-5:21 (thanks anna) - be imitators of god, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love just as christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to god.
[+] hebrews 4:12 - "for the word of god is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword."
[+] ephesians 6:17 - "and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of god."
[+] zephaniah 3:17 - "for the lord your god has arrived to live among you. he is a mighty savior. he will rejoice over you with great gladness. with his love, he will calm all your fears. he will exult over you by singing a happy song."
[+] 1 john 1:7-8 - "but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin. if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us."
[+] matthew 11:28-29 - "are you tired, worn out, burnt out on religion? come to me."


well i guess that's all for now ... from now on i think i'll put verses in each entry. see ya =D

love,
au†umn



"how many times
did i not stand up for you
face to face
with someone i hardly new?
where did they go from there?

lost in the world

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

EXCITEMENT ...
wow, there's a lot going on! here are the top three causes of my excitement:

[1] Camp Big Frog
[2] Meet Shawn.
[3] Church Life

why, you ask? well, camp is usually the biggest church event of the entire year - a time to meet new people and focus completely on god in a reverent place. it's amazing - not just because of all the activities, but how god is so concentrated. it isn't as easy to be tempted to hurry in anything, because the whole week is devoted to fellowship.

the second reason for excitement is shawn's new cd ... shawn mcdonald is an amazing artist and musician. he came from a background of street-dealing - dealt just about every drug. he kept going back to it, even after the cops searched and took his stuff. but one day he just asked god to give him a sign, and god did. and now he's singing about it. if you click the link, you can read his bio. it's amazing - i mean, you hear about these things, but when you see the personal side of it, you see the truth and the reality in it all. it gives me hope that, if god can really get to a callous drug dealer, than he can get to a person stuck on religion. well anyway, shawn was an indie artist, on his own without having a producer or what not. now he's on sparrow records, an AWESOME company, including, yes, SANCTUS REAL (their newest cd, which is PHENOMENAL, is in my cd player right now, in case you haven't read previous entries), switchfoot, and the david crowder band (greg, my youth pastor, has an afiliation with them). i listened to the clips that will be on his new cd. most of them are remakes of his old songs, and they sound fantastic - very crisp, with clear background vocals. it's just amazing how far he has gone. the songs are much more ... i don't know, i guess smooth is the word. so make sure you check this cd out - i believe it will actually be in stores, so go to your nearest cd/music/whatever store and check that out. if you like acoustic stuff, you'll love shawn's work. what god has done with him is INCREDIBLE.

and thirdly, church. i'm just excited that i'm back on my feet with the church life. we have some new people coming in now that it's summer time, and there's this really sweet girl that i met today. i hope i can get to know her better - she seems wonderful. and also, we're recording a video on tuesday. the videos are always hilarious - this will be my first time being involved with one. they're always hilarious ... i get all spastic when they show them at church because i love them so much.

heart's desire. i've missed it. i've missed the people. i mean, each one of the members of my family in christ is just so different, with their own traits that i just fall in love with. jenn sykes talked about it today - about looking at people as individuals instead of groups, like labels, or like, the church friends and the school friends, etc. like, alex is always so spunky and energetic, and she just loves her friends; aly is really easy to talk to; i can tell sara anything, and she's always with me in times of frustration or trouble - she has god's word in her; jessie is always open for advice, always calm and never loses her cool; britney is just cute as a button and we've shared a lot of memories in the past; amanda is never afraid to tell us how she feels, and she's really strong when it comes to being bold with her faith around her family; alex corley always wants to talk about her faith, and she's brutally honest about it - she's very real, even when she thinks she's not; danny is a radical, and he knows SO much about god and his word that it's mind-blowing - plus, he's hilarious and always open for deep conversation; alex bales is just such a great brother when you need comfort or when you need a shoulder to cry on or when you need security - he's got a great sense of humor and is just an awesome person to straight-up TALK to; laura is a cool kid who's great at guitar and praising god through it; tyler is really funny, but not obnoxious - he's great to talk to and never loses his laid-back attitude; katherine is open about discussing the faults that she sees in her church, and she's goofy too; chris is very wise - like danny, he knows a lot about god and god's word, and he's also very calm; jared is such a dork, but in a very funny way - it's a good thing though, and he always says what's on his mind - and he is ALWAYS smiling, and i LOVE it; chris has a very subtle, quiet humor - but he's not necessarily QUIET (or loud either, in that case), but his humor is just so amusing and never loses its flare; tiffany is just really sweet and cute, and a great friend who says what she thinks, even if she has to whisper it to someone; neil is the "rad" kid who loves the 80's (aka top gun, aviator glasses, and high socks) but is also open to any god-talk; terri is the quiet, calm one, very cute and always very sweet to everyone; jenny is this really geniune and honest, deep girl that i never cease to have deep conversations with - she's very easy to talk long talks with; stacey is the really talented, artsy one, but is always humble, accepting, helpful, and wayyyy goofy; suzanna is stacey's partner in crime - hilarious but sweet, too; jessica is so filled up with the spirit - you can just see it oozing from her actions and her soft voice, and she always does anything she can to help out and include people and make them feel welcome.

matt is this awesome intern at gateway who's just REAL with everyone - he has this good humor and, when he laughs, he does this big, loud, appreciative laugh; tim is the calm one, like the big brother who gives fives and is always there to talk; greg is the hilllllarrrioouus guy just itching to get out there and speak god's word, god's honest truth, even if it's brutal; pastor don is everyone's dad, always checks on everyone to see how they're doing, and always has this soft, loving face; miss anita is ALWAYS upbeat and just happy and crazy for god; miss kriss just KNOWS god's word - if you need help with something, she'll give you advice according to scripture, and she's also very cheery and smiley, but will get serious if you're not giving a care to god-talk; sarah is the big sister that everyone loves so much because she's just so real and open and accepting; mrs. jayne is this way-cool mom of EVERYONE, the one who just loves to have fun and loves hanging out with her daughter's girl friends; mrs. mcneal is the other mother, who knows everybody and just loves to hug them - she's also the kind of person who's a friend of everyone and who always wants to make sure things are going fine. if not, she'll pray for you.

there's ten million more people to mention, but i'll do that later. it doesn't mean they're not as important! it just means i'm taking a break from typing. so i'll type again later, and hopefully you'll check out this links up top. and always think of your friends individually, instead of as a group. i know it sounds ridiculous, but mr. rogers did that all the time during his shows - he paused for a moment of gratefulness for all the people who impacted his life.

i guess mr. rogers wasn't just for five-year-olds.

genuine and sincere, Christ-given love,
au†umn

HM ... WHERE'D THE WORD GO?
just got back from spending the night at alex's for her birthday. it was really nice - we had the chance to have those personal conversations, and be honest about anything ... even if it means debating world issues, lol.

these girls are so amazing and wonderful and full of life, but i just got worried. i dunno. i guess i don't want to discuss all the personal details on the internet, because it's our friendship, our conversations, our personal stuff. i'm just afraid our group is getting a little secular - more of the morally correct worldy opinions than the sort of godly rightness that there is. but that's a different story.

god made me laugh today - i'm talking to my sis jenny about it (i introduced you to jenny earlier), so i'll just copy that conversation because i don't feel like typing it all up again. i love it when god makes me laugh ... it helps me to remember the side of him that isn't 100% serious, 24/7. so here's the convo:

viNtagePiNk x0Oo: hey
JENNY: hi :-)
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: what's up
JENNY: nothing really
JENNY: i should be doing summer reading but i'm not
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lol
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: hey god showed me something today
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it kinda made me laugh lol
JENNY: tell!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: but im kind of worried about my older brother, and my family is just so AH because they just dont know christ. so i was just upset about it, more frustrated than upset, and i was just down in my room, cleaning and stuff. and i was listening to this cd, and i was like god WHAT IS WRONG??? what am i doing wrong??
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and i was just really feeling homesick for god and stuff, and i guess some loneliness. and all the while my cd is still chugging along, and all of a sudden, i hear the lyrics, "youuuuu are not aloneeee"
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and i kinda grinned, lol
JENNY: hahhaa!!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lol i was like god ... youre great
JENNY: i remember one night i was feuding with God about exercising... I said "why should I exercise? you never did" and then I suddenly received a perfect image of Jesus walking in the desert with sandals
JENNY: it was kind of funny
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lolllll ahhaha
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: oh yeah another laughy time!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: while on vacation at yellowstone i was kinda symbolic and thinking how the streams represented people - the fast ones are the cool ones who zip by life and dont listen to god and the slow streams just go with what god gives them, they listen to god and they absorb everything
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: so one day i was just doing halfhearted prayers because my head was EVERYWHERE and i was like, god, im going crazy here, my head is just out of whack, get these thoughts out so i can think one at a time!!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and everything was like A;OKA;SKDJLF;ALKSD everywhere in my head, there was so much i was thinking .... and all of a sudden it all stopped, and god showed me this picture of the slow-moving stream ...
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: do you get it?
JENNY: good prayer :-)
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: :-P
JENNY: hahahaha!!!
JENNY: He can be humorous sometimes
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: god was joking with me!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i know, its so awesome
JENNY: it is
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and one more time i remember ... we were at church (when i was at union) and we had just finished performing a song on stage for choir, and our folders were flimsy
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: so when we left, we didnt know it, but all the godspell music books were strewn all across the floor because they had all fallen out!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: our choral teacher was like, god laughed when he saw that
JENNY: LOL
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lol i'm still laughing about your exercise thing
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lollll that's so funny!
JENNY: it was so funny
JENNY: after it happened i said "oookay, I'll exercise"
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lol
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it's just the little things he uses
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i love it
JENNY: it really is
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: its hard to describe (his humor, i mean) - its not necessarily scorn because it's not bitter, and its not like one-liner humor
JENNY: it's meaningful at the same time
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: actually helpful without being very critical - bitterly critical
JENNY: he's never bitter
JENNY: he's so kind and caring
JENNY: and i know he laughs at us sometimes
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: exactlyyy
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: you know what else is funny? biblical jokes
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: like when youre hanging with your christian friends and they crack some joke that has to do with god and it's just HILARIOUS, and its clean too! lol
JENNY: yeah i know what you mean
JENNY: it's funny because it's true
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: exactly, it's not ... i dunno!

i dunno if you saw the homesickness part, but i want to expand on it ... i guess with all the whack that's been going on in my family, i've felt alone. and today was the first time i've felt terribly homesick ... i guess just the want to be with god. and i guess i imagine the same picture jenny saw, the one she was talking about with jesus walking (though, in her case, the image offered her humor, lol) ... i imagine that, and it's enough, you know? i see it and i feel anticipation, waiting for my time. and i guess that's good, because it shows that i'm progressively de-leeching (aka detaching) myself from the world and all its ... "stuff." i found something out today that really tore me up ... just felt like somebody close to me is a complete stranger. i haven't been upset like that in a while. today was the first time i asked god, "did you choose them beforehand to be with you?" i know it's not for me to know, but i guess with all the WHACK that's been going on, i've wondered where they're meant to be.

well there's more i was talking to jenny about, and for some REALLY weird reason i checked on my journal and a lot of this entry was BOOM, gone (haha lol). man i hate it when that happens! but anyway, here's more of what jenny and i talked about:

JENNY: haha
JENNY: he is like a father; we laugh with him, cry with him, argue with him
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and he loves it when we argue with him
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: because we're being honestt
JENNY: yep
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i guess god showed me that too - i feel so hesitant about being, i guess frustrated with him - but if i'm not, i'm not being honest with him
JENNY: yeah same here, and when i feel like that i try to ignore him
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and he doesn't want us to be honest so he can know whats going on ... i mean, we KNOW that HE knows everything! he just wants to know that were honest with him
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah i do that too, and it stinks because thats exactly what he doesnt want
JENNY: yes, for good communication
JENNY: yep

oh yeah, i forgot to mention - i got a poem published in a book from that website poetry.com ... i'm excited. i just don't want to win first place, which i know i won't win. i don't like a lot of money. i think that's a good thing ... but anyway, i'll type up the poem later when i can find it.

well i guess i'm off until i remember something else that i left out. until then, g'bye.

sincerity in christ,
au†umn

"YOUUU ARE NOT ALONNNEE"

HONESTY ... CAN MEAN FRUSTRATION
the frustrated honesty.

it's very common, i'll say that. i was reading the purpose-driven life and it was talking about being honest with god ... and how it doesn't hurt him if you admit your doubts, anger, frustration. as a matter of fact, god ENCOURAGES it.

look at job. he had it bad - everything was taken from him. but he didn't keep to himself. he asked god WHY, WHY are you doing this to me?! and david talks about it in psalms; he asks god questions, he doesn't hold them back.

god made me realize how important this is, being honest even when i'm mad. it's better to be honest about anger than closed up about it. it's NOT GOOD when you keep things from god - not that he doesn't know everything. let me put it simply: god doesn't want you to talk to him honestly so he can know what's going on: he already knows everything. he wants you to talk to him honestly because he wants you to be REAL with him. end of story. sometimes we don't want to say to god, "why did you do this? i'm mad, i really am! you aren't making sense to me right now!" because we feel like god will condemn us for doubting him. but god will NEVER condemn us for being honest and real with him.

lately i guess god's shown me more of the variety of his character - the loving god vs. the god of wrath vs. the god who hurts vs. the god who wants us to fight vs. the god who wants us to be peaceful vs. god the father. his identity is just so ... vast. and i LOVE it! his identity itself is so raw and open, like a big, fresh, bloody cut (even though that sounds a tad bit unusual).

that issue of hypocrisy has come up again to me - the people that don't live for god but say they're a christian. it just frustrates me so much. they worship god in church, but not at school. and i don't mean, "oh, they don't get on their knees and pray at school." worship is much more than singing and praying. this is EXTREMELY important to know - i'm leading bible study sometime in the near future about worship, and god has just taught me all about it the past couple months. for so long, i thought the degree of greatness of my worship was based on how i felt - if i felt filled up, my worship was great. if i felt emotionless all the time, then i was down with god. i always let my emotions determine my stance with god - but that's a COMPLETE lie.

a wise friend of mine once told another friend of mine that god is not a god of feelings. i didn't really understand it - i thought, well, love is a feeling, isn't it? and isn't god the god of love? but now i completely understand it. when she said, "god is not a god of feelings," she meant, "god doesn't always make you feel good when you're good with him, and he doesn't always make you feel bad when you're bad with him." in general, your emotions weren't made to determine how your spiritual road is going.

i mean, the saying "follow your heart" is what everybody tells you to do. but god made your mind, too. the bible says to use your heart AND mind to follow god. if you just use your heart, you're following emotion. if you use your heart AND mind, you're being more practical. if you follow your feelings 100%, you'll be very vulnerable and go the wrong way.

that's the bad thing about worshipping through music - music has this grip that controls your heart, and sometimes you don't think about the words. you think about the tune, and it swallows you. and before you know it, you're only lifting your hands in the air because you FEEL good. you're not talking to god at all. i've done that plenty of times.

matt redman, the writer of the song that goes, "i'm coming back to the heart of worship" had an experience where his church decided to completely eliminate music for a period of time in order to worship in other ways. i think that's a BRILLIANT idea, and i'm thinking about bringing it up at gateway. we DO have creative wednesday services, but i think god wants them more often. i haven't been to heart's desire (wednesday service) in a while, but i know it's different now - we're going other places, like schools and stuff, to pray. i'm excited about going to those ones.

creative services are really awesome - you can praise god through writing, confession, painting, drawing ... it's cool. god likes variety. it's fresh. even if you are absolutely wretched, rotten, WHATEVER, at drawing, do your best to praise god. i mean, not everybody has the god-given gift of music. so, while you try your best at it even if you stink, it's great to have something that EVERYBODY has a gift at. god wants us to use the gifts he gave us to WORSHIP and PLEASE and PRAISE and LOVE him with.

god's shown me that NOTHING should be secular. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G should be about him - your clothes, your language, conversation, your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/family member, your money, your FRIENDS, your reading, school ... EVERYTHING, literally. while this means, do god's will in everything, it also means follow his WORD in everything. and praising god through stuff doesn't mean his name has to be in everything - i'm not saying, "be quiet about god!" by all means, BE LOUD!!!!!!! YELL AND SCREAM!! what i mean is, even when you're doing something supposedly "secular," like homework, do it to praise him. that means, do it and work hard at it even when you don't want to. do you get my drift? be happy that you were given homework, because you learn from it! praise god not only with words, but with actions of love to him. even if others don't see that you're praising god with little things, GOD will see them. god loves the little things that not everyone notices. that means you're whole-heartedly pleasing him, without showing it off to others. he likes that.

but the whole secular thing isn't to be taken lightly. i don't mean to exclude god's name from everything - by all means, put it where you can! but it doesn't mean cram it everywhere. if you do that, you could possibly start making your efforts only half-hearted. not good. by then, it becomes mechanical. now, god DOESN'T like that.

just know that, whatever you do has to be done to please god. it's impossible to perfectly do so, but do your best. and that pleases god. so when you get out of bed, jump out happily for god. when you're being bothered, be patient and try to actually understand where the person is coming from. maybe they won't be such an annoyance after all. if someone's being ungodly and you want to scream, contain yourself for god. i think that's my challenge right now ...

and also, about the whole god is not a god of feelings, and my previous wonder that, why is that so because love is a feeling and god is the god of love ... that can be easily answered (with a little bit of mathematical implications):

in 1 john, it says that "god is love." it is obvious that god can not be completely described by a few words, we know that. therefore, love can't be described in a couple of words, either (transitive property - see strong bad's "transitive butt property" for an understandable explanation at homestarrunner.com). since god is not a god if feelings, and god is love (transitive property again), then love is not a feeling. there. i had a very simple and easy explanation, but it hasn't come out right. like tyler crabtree says, " ... but it sounded so good in my head!"

well i'm going to go. if you're looking for good music, check out sanctus real's new cd, "fight the tide." i don't randomly recommend cd's, so this one has to be good!

love in our awesome father,
au†umn

"i'm not satisfied in this lifetime
i'm following you to the other side
there's nothing that can change my mind
you're all I need

you're the only tie that binds my heart
away from you i'm falling apart
we need to be closer than we are
you're all i need

so what can i do to get closer?
i know there is more my heart can bear
i give you control 'cause i need you
to take me there

like a bird flying south i'm seeking you out
and there's no rope that can tie me down
i'm running home, i'm a slave set free

so what can i do to get closer?
i know there is more my heart can bear
i give you control 'cause i need you
to take me there

i am waiting
draw me closer
i am waiting
make me stronger
i am waiting
draw me closer

so what can i do to get closer?
i know there is more my heart can bear
i give you control 'cause i need you
to take me there

so what can i do to get closer?
i know there is more my heart can bear
i give you control 'cause i need you
to take me there

i am waiting
draw me closer."

STRANGER = SISTER
i forgot to mention something i saw when we were in the airport in chicago ...

let me try to remember the scene and everything ...

okay, so my dad was going to meet us somewhere (baggage claim? terminal? i don't remember), and mom, jeff, and i were walking briskly to our place of meeting (wherever it was). i remember going down a long hall and i heard something that sounded like singing - but i wasn't sure if it was a radio or a person. so we walked and it became louder, and then i saw this girl ... oh, lord, it was so incredible. she was semi-dressed up, standing at the junction of three halls, singing. her eyes were closed and she sang with such passion - about god, about his mercy. i can't remember all of it, but i remember her singing something like, "lord, let your mercy shine on us." it was this beautiful tune, just lovely. it wasn't upbeat, wasn't sorrowful - it was just right. the notes just illustrated this extraordinary longing to reach out to the people, to tell people about god. and i realized, this stranger, is my SISTER. i had never seen her in my life, didn't know her name, saw her in a place i'd never been, yet we were intimately bonded by god - i knew her instantly, because we are both in love with the same man. she wasn't wearing a cross around her neck, didn't wear a shirt that said, "i love jesus!" but i knew from the love in her voice and the sincerity in her face that she was in love with god. she was SINGING to him, about his incredible love and mercy, in front of complete strangers, in a big city. i just wanted to cry and hug her and talk to her and tell her, "you're my sister! i don't know you but i love you so deeply!" i was so caught up in surprise ...

earlier, when i had first heard the voice, i asked mom if it was singing. she said that it probably was, because it's a big city and people do that.

i wish she knew how important that stranger was to me.



well i'm off ... i'll probably get another entry up later.

sincerity in christ,
au†umn

"be my light in this darkened room
i'm on my face and i'm calling you
i can't fathom all you've done for me
every time it finds me on my knees.

like sunlight in the winter cold

everything about you ...
it takes my breath away (halleluiah)
i tried this once without you
and it was my great mistake (halleluiah)

questions fade when you invade
you chase all my fears away
with love in my atmosphere
all confusion disappears

and nothing but your truth remains

questions fade, you remain
you are color on a page of white, bright
like eyes beneath black lights
like a glowing city on the plains,
you call my name."

SAVED ... Y-E-A-H R-I-G-H-T.
anybody seen the movie saved? well it was a good movie, as a movie ... but from the real christian's viewpoint, the perspective was CRAP.

it's about this girl who thinks god told her to do something, and the consequences aren't the best, and she becomes friends with the "bad guys" along the way. i mean the moral in the end was good - that god always loves and forgives us. but the christians in the movie were entirely fake. they worshipped a god that doesn't exist - a god i certainly don't know. it was all skippy-doo, too. all the people go to christian conventions, christian centers - but everybody in church has always told us, go to the bad places. see the sinners - it's what christ did! his best friends were the apostles, but he was always hanging out with the sinners, because he wanted to help them. all the christians went to christian schools - oh yes, they were oh so christian! but they said "oh my god" and "jesus christ!" a little too often. explain that? and no scripture, none of god's word, was in the movie. zipp-o.

a good movie, i guess, but not a representation of christ. i felt kinda bopped in the head when i saw it, just because i wondered if that's how all christians are perceived - fake people who worship air with their hands when they lift them, who are different when in churches and christian schools than when they are in the world. people who throw bibles at other people, curse god's name ... the unfortunate truth is, there are so many people like that (with the exception of the bible-throwing): they're christians on sundays and whatever they want to be the rest of the week.

i just pray that these people know what matthew 25:40 says ... what they do to other people, they do to god. you see it in your halls - the kids that jokingly say "i hate (fill in the blank)" but then say "yeah i'm a christian" if you ask. it's quite odd.

aside from that, god enlightened me through the book of isaiah - i had always thought of god as loving, soft, forgiving. and he IS loving and forgiving - but not soft. isaiah is the complete display of god's wrath - the anger he possesses when he sees his people defiling his word. and i realized, you know what, i can't just pass it by and say "it's okay" when somebody defiles the name of god. it angers god to see people sin like it's a daily routine! i mean, i will always forgive, because it's what god tells us to do, but it doesn't mean i just smile at everything that happens. it's because i'm too comfortable and too careful about what people think of me that i sit down in my seat and fold my hands in my lap.

well, there's a lot to talk about ... but i'll type up some more later.



much love in christ,
au†umn

"so there's no room
for god's own name on city walls.
well that's ten more reasons
to be praying for us all."