AND ONCE AGAIN...
man, i'm cheesy. talking about future stuff again.

i guess what today made me realize is that i really don't want to waste my life or my time. i don't want to have as much alone time as i have. i want to spend time with people. i want to do things, go places, meet new people, love new people, welcome new people, have fun with people. i don't want it to always be just girls. i want it to be guys too. a lot of different people. football players, geeks, i don't care.

i guess what i'm searching for here is some loving unity. i hate using that word, unity, because it sounds so red-white-and-blue. i guess what i mean is... fellowship. love. just having fun, being dorky, laughing, hugging, smiling, joking, being weird. a bunch of different people. i guess it boils down to the fact that we're all humans. i don't get why stupid things like physical appearance, uncommon interests, age, or social status break us apart. it gets so frustrating for me, to find myself discouraged over being friends with someone because i feel they can't accept me for who i am. sometimes i get tired of feeling weird or uncool. it gets really old after a while. yet i do it too. i just know god would find amazing satisfaction and joy in seeing his children let down their guards of difference and loving one another. like seeing a kid who loves country and a kid who loves rap hanging out, or "junkie" talking to a "prep," or a "jock" talking to a "geek." it's funny, because sometimes i don't talk to the "failing student" or the "sailor" (aka kid with a loose tongue). the ironic thing is, that isn't who they are. i'm not a straight-a student. i'm not a christian. i'm not a music-lover or a book-lover. do you get what i'm saying? it isn't my identity. you can't EVER describe somebody using a one-word label. we're all humans with hearts, souls, and minds. labels separate that concept.

random tangent-- well, i have a girl friend that has finally found a gentleman. you know you are! and i think he is fabulous. it's really exciting to find guys who are genuinely polite- not polite as a front. but polite because that's the way they are. and guys who will say hey to you and talk to you. and guys who will IM you before you IM them, guys who tell you they care and check up on you, watch out for you. guys who, before they are married, imagine themselves treating their wives with utmost respect, care, and love-- yes, guys. that means breakfast in bed, flowers on the pillow on anniversaries. okay, okay, i'm done now. maybe.

hm. back to the husband thing i guess. i will always tell him i love him, always pray for him, always ask him how things are going, always show him i respect him and love him, always have a crazy-good time with him, never try to be controlling.

goodness, i am cheesy. i guess you gotta get used to whoever the heck you're going to spend your life with. that means a possibly forgotten flower-on-the-pillow (refer to above), a forgotten phone call, an unsatisfied face at the dinner table... or maybe a forgotten hug and kiss from the wife. but those are just things. it's marriage, people. not a little stringy to be broken.

oprah is killing me here. i watched this episode on husbands who candidly admitted to cheating on their wives, and oprah asked, "what percent of husbands do you think cheat on their wives?" and they all said 99.9 percent- and "the other 0.1 percent are liars" (in a joking voice). yet this is totally not funny. i can't tell you how much this horrifies me. it scares me to death. to think that a man would desert his wife for that moment, would succumb to the flesh, would lay with another woman. to even kiss another woman would be sickening. to even look at another woman in a lustful way would be sickening. but to do what god deems as an act of expressing true love, a holy engagement... with somebody else.

ah, i'll stop now. there goes another slip of paper in the worry jar. yeah, i've started one. i think it will help.

NO MORE AP CLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't believe school is almost over. today i realized how much i adore summer-- summer days with friends, summer days getting fun things done, summer trips, summer cookouts, summer nights... fireflies... nights out. AND I'LL BE DRIVING!!!! man this is awesome...

autumn.

p.s. i got a new screenname, it is O LOVEsong x. that's oh, lovesong, x. no zero in there like the others, haha.

GIRL THOUGHTS ON -THE ONE-
yeah, so it's the typical cheesy girl thing. to think about her future husband, to want to be held by him in a genuine embrace, yeah. okay, okay, i'm a girl, i'm a dork. but sometimes i really get excited about it- the fact that i won't have to worry about guys after finding the one god has for me. maybe it's selfish, that i want a guy to care about me in a more personal and loving way (this is a gentle euphemism for "romantic"), but this is quite reassuring to me because i know that god made me to have some type of longing for a significant other, for a man. and while this is no cry for a boyfriend, it is certainly a little smile of contentment because, as i "gaze" into my future (girly flower word), i see some awesome things. a husband, kids. it's pretty awesome. i have to hold myself from being anxious because i know god says to not be anxious- to wait for the lord, to replace worries with prayers. and meanwhile, god is reminding me that he is my number one man, that he has my back, that he wants to romance me (in a non-sexual romantic way, of course).

it easily gets selfish. especially after watching the lovey movies with the perfect prince charming who holds his girl's chin when he kisses her, makes "the gesture" (watch "chasing liberty" if you don't know what i'm talking about), chases after her, bares his soul to her. yeah, yeah, yeah, my friends. back to reality, please.

and that's where the selfish part comes in. the part where i want a guy who is perfect, who loves god, treats me like a princess, admits his wrongs, makes "the gesture," and etcetera. etcetera, my friends, etcetera. if we want to be psychologists and go deeper, i guess it could boil down to self-consciousness. maybe i want to feel good about myself when a guy tells me i'm gorgeous, maybe i want to know that a guy will stick with me and not look at other girls the same way. you know, won't cheat on me. won't even think of it. i don't know why it worries me so much, but it does, because of the self-consciousness deal. because i don't feel like i'll be "pretty" enough for a guy, won't simply be enough at all. this is not only in my mind- it is from watching tv. sounds stupid, but it's true. if you flip to oprah for an hour, ladies, you know what i'm feeling. if you sit down and watch tv enough you are convinced that all of your neighbors are either swingers or sex offenders. or at least charmers with past criminal records-- or future criminal records, too (talk to amber frey about this one).

i don't know. i'm just looking forward to it, to be able to talk to him as me, to let down my guard completely and be myself. and please, to whoever is reading this who knows me, don't feel like this a fishing trip for compliments. i am in no way trying to vent my "feelings and emotions." this is just what's going on in my mind, and i'm sure you have all felt the same way in some sense. this is no self-esteem trip, ladies. it is the blunt truth.

but, back to the subject. mm, it's exciting. i hope he gets me, understands me, loves me. i hope i don't annoy him. i hope that, when he looks me in the eye, i can see him smiling so genuinely that there is not one hesitation in my mind that he loves me. even when we do fight, even when we do disagree. and i hope he knows i love him, in every way. i hope he knows that he's beautiful to me, he's my beautiful one.

i want to grow old with him, and die with him, and hold his hand when the heart-line on the monitor goes flat.









and i felt i'd repaired the broken vows
of broken hearts and tainted things
of satan-meddled relationships,
of removed and tarnished wedding rings.

but not for them-- for us and Him,
we kept those words upon our lips
and from our youth to wrinkled eyes
we never dropped those fingertips.

...
Put an x to the things youve done
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) made out with a member of the same sex
( ) been in love
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) been arrested
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) skipped school
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) taken painkillers
(x) miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
( ) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
( ) touched a snake
( ) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
( ) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
( ) paid for a meal with only coins [do clothes count? $70 in dollar bills]
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus [AND got a reply... from my grandpa]
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food [haha kerin!]
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
( ) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
( ) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) played chicken
( ) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
( ) slept naked
( ) French braided someones hair
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house
(x) lost something you will never get back
(x) wish you had something you could never have
(x) drank orange juice after brushing your teeth
(x) know how to play guitar
(x) wish you knew how to play guitar
(x) are afraid of spiders [only big ones]
( ) play too many video games
(x) are online too much

got it from paige's LJ.

random update...

so i went to the chorus/orchestra formal on saturday, which was awesome and loads of fun. we went to the park for pictures (*rich woman voice* everyone was gorgeous, darling- just gorgeous, simply fabulous), then to macaroni grill for dinner, then to the dance- fashionably late, of course. we danced the night away, and i looked like an idiot- but an idiot having fun, yes. my date could not come because of a situation that came up, so i went with someone else, and it turned out to still be fun (duh). unfortunately we couldn't dance the last dance, so i danced with terri and her date- which was hilarious and ridiculously fun.

well this is the rudimentary version, for lack of good vocabulary and time to tell all the details. i'm not a very big detailed-event person, just because... but for now, that's about it. i know, boring. for some reason i feel in a hurry...

love,
autumn

SUMMER INSANITY, AMONG OTHER THINGS.
this summer is going to be KA-RAY-ZEE. man, and i thought april was something in itself, but this summer... danngg.

today we met meredith, a new addition to the youth staff. i am bubbling with excitement because there have been all these new guys/men coming in, and finally we get a girl. she's so great, so lovely, so incredible, and i can't wait until i can get closer to her.

so david talked about worship today. and i've been thinking about it lately. and my life is disgusting. but i feel so helpless about it, because the main reason i haven't placed god on the pedestal is because i have so much work to do. it's an obligation. and i hate myself for it a lot of the time. yet, i know i can stuff about it. i mean, look at danny- he has this god-filled life and STILL takes honors/ap classes. it's just that i procrastinate. i just need to make HIM my center... easy to say, hard to do, but if i let god guide me, i know things will turn out the way He wants them to.

but among better things, SUMMER CHURCH STUFF!! missions trip to cuba june 9-17, big frog june 27- july 1st. big conflict though. at the end of june my mom and aunt have planned our europe vacation. but, in any case, i cannot miss big frog. this seems really foolish- i mean tennessee vs. italy? seems like a no-brainer. but i think i can end up going to both- if worse comes to worse, can't we postpone it? sounds crazy, but guys... if you've never been to big frog, you wouldn't understand. it is insanely awesome. i know it sounds cliched- like how everybody gets closer to god through a summer-camp, when in reality you can get closer to god anywhere. but it's the people too. i learn a lot from everybody else. and it's just HUGE. i love it so much, and i love the church, and i love god's kids, and it's awesome.

cuba missions trip. $1300. also insane, but i am really stoked about the missions trip this summer. i don't know. i'm just still bummed about big frog because, if i missed it... i don't know what i'd do. i'd be depressed for the rest of my life!

well this a really short and hurried entry. pray that big frog will be an open slot for me.

autumn

"A LIFE UPDATE."
i've missed this site a little.

well, a lot's going on... i read "blue like jazz" for the second time after having separation anxiety with "searching for god knows what." i'd say it was a million times better the second time. i got so much more out of it, and it answered a lot of questions i've been having lately- that i don't love people as much as i think i do. that my love is completely conditional. that maybe i, as well as many other people, am not always right. it's so funny because we think that everything we think is right. i mean, think about it. we wouldn't be believing it if we thought it was wrong, now would we? that helps me understand people a lot better- that whenever i am clashing views with another person, that person is just as firm in their perspective as i am.

this is why we should never spend our lives as god's children trying to win people over to christianity, to the doctrine- to sit there and just say, "you're wrong" and explain all the ins and outs and the science of what we believe. this may sound really liberal, which is funny because i think people see me as the conservative, "i hate homosexuals and democrats" christian.

i really think i was that until i read that book.

and that's my problem. and that's a huge problem with the church- the body, i mean. we sit here and tell people they're wrong. and i know god wants us to tell people what they're doing is wrong, is sinful, is hurtful to him. but we devote our faith to it. we are so prepared to defend ourselves that love is placed on the backburner.

for so long i thought i loved everyone equally, even though i do often get annoyed with certain people, more so than others. but now i realize that i am extremely judgmental. i sit here and say, "that person is gay, don't get involved with them" and etc. and as much as i may be nice to them, i have this little grudge inside, something that says- i am better than you. i know the truth and you don't. i am right. you are wrong. this goes for atheists and people who don't match my beliefs 100%, like a puzzle.

and i take no consideration that this person i am condescending to is god's child. and man, he loves them. SO much, beyond understanding. he loves them JUST AS MUCH as me. and i shouldn't love them because it's an obligation. i should love them because i see the face of god in them- even if it's a pot-smoker, a potty-mouther, a fornicator. what i need to face is that god made them with the same hand he made me with. they need hope. they want love. they need love. there is always something good inside a person. even a murderer. there is always a speck of good. and even if it doesn't seem so, loving them will surely bring that goodness out, that vibrance, the reflection of light in their eyes that is utterly beautiful.

i want to let people know i love them. especially the people who feel they are automatically repelled by christians- the people standing under controversy. jesus wouldn't stay away from them. jesus would say, "hey man, i love you, this is wrong," but not out of pride. out of love, friends, out of love. he would put his hand on the shoulder of the one who has always been rejected from the "good people." not because jesus wanted to be controversial. he didn't want to be controversial, he didn't want to be this big famous guy. he wanted to please his father, he WANTED to love.

he loved the men who hurled whips at his back, and i can't love an atheist or a homosexual?

i've got to love them. not for me, for them and for jesus. when people know they are loved, they will listen to you. if you don't like an atheist and they know it, they don't give a flying crap what your views are. i PROMISE you, you will never convince them that your belief is right. because to them, it is a game of right and wrong. you aren't telling them your beliefs out of care, but rather, out of the lifeboat-mentality- that the better man stays on the boat. jesus demolished that mentality. he loved mary magdelene, the prostitute, and saved her life. he loved the samaritan woman, no matter how many guys she went through. why should they even like me? why should the atheists like me, when i am judgmental, prideful, selfish, and sarcastic?

i need to bring these walls down. i need to start loving people- FOR REAL. not because it's some duty, but because i know it's what jesus would do. his people need love. and they are beautiful.



still learning,
autumn

p.s. i will definitely put some BLJ excerpts in here sometime soon. they are profound.



32“Well said, teacher,” the man replied. “You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. 33To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”

34When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.
mark 12:32-34

AS OF NOW.
it kind of hit me on saturday.

i went to brevada's/doc sommers band's last concert. i really can't describe it, it was that incredible. this was no ordinary show. actually, it wasn't really a show at all. it was worship, it was reverence- despite the crowd-surfing- for the most part. this is a band whose lyrics are undeniably, hands-down, godly and christian. you can't come and sing the words without realizing, "hey, i'm singing about jesus christ."

i don't know, i just realized how much their music has affected me. the words are not only music and poetry but truth and love, the exact relationship that jesus always talked about and is still trying to communicate to us today. one thing that mack said that especially popped out at me was this (i will quote as best as i can): "we don't want you to go home and think about how cool our music is, or how cool the show is." if they didn't say that i probably would've done exactly what they said not to do. this is not just a band. these are christ's children, christ's family. i felt that and knew that when all of their family and friends came up on stage and sang the parts of one of the songs. i realized that this is my family. these are not some celebrities i idolize, like, excuse my past, nsync, or, maybe in somebody else's case, britney spears, or even a christian band- mercyme, etc. etc. this is my family. this is home. their signatures are worthless on paper because their friendship is more important- they want to talk to people who listen to their music. it's craziness.

but on to something else. there are so many things i could say, but one song, which i listen to repeatedly and i learn something different every time, struck me. rachel. especially these words, the words that give EVERYONE chills when they hear them:

"i write not for the sake of glory, not for the sake of fame, not for the sake of success, but for the sake of my soul."

A COUPLE MOMENTS.
just wanted to be happy for a couple seconds, wanted to look back on one of the best moments of my life, captured in a black tape and locked into a video camera. waiting to see it, rewinding the tape in anticipation, then watching it...

and then rows of gingerbread houses.

what does this mean? this means my mother recorded over my sweet 16 tape. my surprise party. my best friends. a tape among all the yellowstone and baseball and graduation tapes.

of all the tapes to record over. and of all the things to replace it with- crappy moments we will never want to watch in our lives. to replace one of the greatest moments of my life with a gingerbread show. it doesn't mean i hate my mother. it means i hate this week.

this week has been horrible.

i don't want things to be about me, and i have no excuse when i make it out to be all about me. things have just been... i don't know. this week has been so long already, all the tests, and all the situations and all the hurt feelings, and it's easy for me to be emotional, to cry cry cry and just be so angry that i kick the wall and feel like jumping off the roof and just breaking something. i want god's peace, but it's difficult because it feels like i am so completely alone. it feels like... i don't know. i don't even want to say. it's so easy for me to wonder why people don't think of me or care about me enough to do certain things. i don't even know why i'm feeling this way. maybe because everything else around me is falling apart. yeah, that sounds right.

and i do want to seek god, and sometimes i feel like he and i are coming together slowly, but surely. but then little things happen that are "the straw that breaks the camels back." it's like, you're climbing up a mountain, and you fall down, only to start back all over again. it's frustrating.

i don't want to be emotional. i just know i'm human, and i hurt. i hurt a lot, actually. i guess that goes hand in hand with my sensitivity. i don't know.

i hate being like this because i know christ wouldn't pity himself, wouldn't grieve over tiny things.

this is something that will take a lot of time for me to learn.

it reminds me how worthless i am, how helpless i am, without my father, without god. my reason. i guess i feel like this because i have been trying to carry everything on myself. this is when god tugs my shirt sleeve and says, "hey, autumn, remember when copernicus discovered that the world revolved around the sun and not the earth?"
"...yeah..."
"well..."

in christ,
autumn


(this song definitely describes everything right now)
hello, good morning, how do you do?
what makes your rising sun so new?
i could use a fresh beginning too
all of my regrets are nothing new
so this is the way that i say i need you
this is the way i'm

learning to breathe
i'm learning to crawl
i'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
i'm living again, awake and alive
i'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

hello, good morning, how you been?
yesterday left my head kicked in
i never, never though that
i would fall like that
never knew that i could hurt this bad

so this is the way that i say i need you
this is the way that i say i love you
this is the way that i say i'm yours
this is the way, this is the way

TODAYYYYY LAAA...
not drama. but hurt feelings.

so to keep my mind occupied...

[x]You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE." (uncool allan still does)
[x]You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air." (haha, up to this very day I still can)
[x]You wore biker shorts under your skirts [rather, my shorts] and felt stylish
[x]You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
[ ]You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
[ ]You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom.
[ ]Two words: M.C. Hammer.
[ ]If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock."
[ ]You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
[ ]You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales."(well some of it)
[x]When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
[ ]You wore a ponytail on the side of your head. (Totally Napolean Dynamite!)
[ ]You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movies on the big screen.
[x]You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day at school.
[ ]You made your Mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side
[x]You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House)...
[ ]You wore Jordache Jean jacket and you were proud of it.
[ ]L.A. Gear...
[ ]You wanted to change your name to "JEM"
[x]You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books. [maybe a little]
[x]You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF."
[x]You wanted to be a Goonie.
[ ]You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
[x]You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
[ ]You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
[ ]You took Lunch Pails to school.
[x]You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets. (i had one)
[x]You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
[ ]You remember Hypercolor T-shirts. (i had a hypercolor looney toones cup)
[ ]Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
[ ]You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up.
[x]You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets.
[ ]You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes.
[x]After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
[x]You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
[x]You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
[x]You ever got injured on a Slip and Slide.
[x]You have ever played with a Skip-It.
[x]You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
[x]You've gone through this list occasionally saying "Totally awesome"
[ ]You remember Popples.
[x]"Don't worry be happy"
[ ]You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
[ ]You wore socks scrunched down.
[x]"Miss MARY MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK"
[ ]You remember boom boxes vs. CD players.
[x]You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
[ ]You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
[x]You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales.
[ ]You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
[ ]You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
[ ]You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
[x]You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell," the ORIGINAL class.
[ ]You know all the words to Bon Jovi.

from crayolabox's lj.

found a cool verse yesterday, ephesians 4:30:

"Don't grieve God. Don't break His heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted."

NEW MUSIC FOR YOU.


provided by VideoCodes4U.com

Coldplay - The Scientist

WHY.
i am crying right now. i mean tears, like the ones in movies, rolling down your cheeks. i am listening to derek webb's "wedding dress" and i realize how i have been treating god. "i am a whore i do confess, i put you on just like a wedding dress and i run down the aisle to you, run down the aisle. and i'm a prodigal with no way home, put you on just like a ring of gold."

what have i been thinking lately? that i could just brush him aside? i love him so much, and he loves me more. he loves me so much that, no matter how many times i turn my cheek, he only holds his arms out wider. i can't describe this love to anyone in words. it is something that must be felt. it is something that must move you.

it's moving me.

times like these always remind me that god really exists. that there is something around me and inside me that moves my soul so much, stirs my heart, that i just bawl because i have hurt the one thing that is most important to me. truthfully, i don't bawl over much. barely anything at all. but this... i used to be an orphan. to be an orphan, to be so lost in the world, to have nothing but yourself and the worldly people around you. there is nothing worse because you have nothing to hold onto. but now i have something to hold onto. something so perfect that it will never fail me.

he has been chasing after me for so long. chasing. i have totally ignored him. but consciously. i have been aware of it the whole time.

i am a whore i do confess
i put you on just like a wedding dress and i
run down the aisle to you
run down the aisle
and i'm a prodigal with no way home
put you on just like a ring of gold and i
run down the aisle
run down the aisle
to you.

everything in me wants to run back. i am starting to. but i hesitate because i know i will do this a million times more. knowing he wants a relationship with me, more than anything, that he sacrificed his entire being. i know he is standing with his arms oustretched, saying, "autumn, here is all of me. here is my very flesh and blood. all i ask is that you love me, because i love you more than words can describe. please come back." jesus, remembering you being beaten by everyone... by me. the blood on your back, the scars, the crown of thorns on your head that was nothing less than a humble gold. my father, the love of my life. i see this image in my head and it is the most heart-breaking thing... god, it makes me ache. that i have given so little and you still manage to give yourself to me. i don't want to hurt you anymore, but i know i will, and that is the most painful thing. that i am so unworthy, and i go shopping and watch movies and shows on tv and do my homework at the latest hour possible. and i worry what people think, how i look. and all the while you tell me that i am beautiful, that you love me more than all of this, all of these petty worries, and you know who i am. you know me so personally, and you care for me and love me so deeply. i am so filthy, god. i have your blood on my hands and yet i do not offer my hands to you in the air. out of pride, out of selfishness. i don't take the time to talk to you. i can't even fathom how unconditional your love must be if you are that forgiving to take a person like me back.

if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i'll ever need
or is there more i'm looking for?

i can't think of anything more to say, god. only that you are worthy, you are the king, you are everything to me, and i want to come back to you, but not temporarily. i want to come back to you for good and never come back to this point with you again. whatever i had with you before, i feel like it's completely gone. eliminated. just gone. that hurts you so much and it hurts me too... that you are everything to me, that i desert you countless times but you are still there, waiting to embrace me. and tears seep from your eyes as i walk further and further away down this road. i am sorry and i don't want that, you don't want that. i want you. you want me. whole-heartedly, everything. not just a little bit of me. you want all of me. and god, i want all of you, even if it means starting all over again.









i'm a prodigal with no way home
put you on just like a ring of gold






and i run down the aisle
run down the aisle
to you.

MORE. MORE MORE. MOREEEE.
[odd subject title for lack of interesting subject title.]

i'd say god's pretty awesome! hah. well, reading more don miller. i don't know, so much is popping from the pages and it's really showing me... A LOT. that i make out my faith to be so much more than it really is- that i have to know all the stories, all the scripture, i have to have my quiet time everyday and if i don't do all these things, something "must be wrong." i assume too much, and in the end it turns out to be everything but the real thing- god's love. here is the biggest thing i've realized: i spend so much time trying to validate that christianity is right that i don't focus on what christianity IS. i mean, i think it's important to question things so things are cleared up. god even says that lack of knowledge hurts his people. but i've realized that i've spent all this time preparing myself for the question: "why do you believe christianity is right?" rather than "why are you a christian?" gosh. it's quite insane, really. gosh. over and over again i realize how stupid i can be... i'm just SO frustrated with myself. i've screwed things up with god for too long and i get so angry with myself, and then i don't even try to fix anything. i'm falling into the same old habits, and for now i just want to be alone. i want to be away from everyone, just some quiet time alone. i'm getting perturbed so easily because i've been so emotionally everywhere, especially when hurt feelings and possibly even drama [which i rarely experience-VERY rarely] are involved. i need a huge break from it all, feeling either condescended to one second, etc. etc. and i'm not trying to point the finger at everyone else... because surely i have been the ways that i hate. and surely, a large portion of my current frustration is the result of my own self. okay let me paint with this with some words. i feel like i am in a box, a perfect cube, perfectly straight and square. but people are all along the walls in random places, and their arms are all reaching for me and i am in the middle, feeling quite uncomfortable, [moment of humor], and all the while the cube slowly shrinks in. very slowly, but it shrinks nonetheless.

a lot of this is my own fault. i'm not saying this so people will take pity, so people will say "no it's not." this isn't for my self-righteousness. it's just me admitting the truth. i am sometimes overly-sensitive and for some reason easily frustrated at the moment.

frustrated but yet a little excited for things to come. excited, all these crazy thoughts. excited about david (going to meet him tonight at church!!!), our new youth minister, excited about classes next year, excited about colleges (excited but a little afraid at the same time), excited about the future god has planned! i'm totally blind to it, however. i've kind of narrowed the areas down- art, writing/english/etc., something having to do with the bible or something of that sort. i'm also a freak for music, but i don't really see myself being a music teacher. i don't know, there's a TON i want to do. i'm a "child of the arts" i guess. it's like, i am blindfolded and stumbling around, and god's hand is out with a little slip of paper with my future written out on it [future as far as my college major, etc. goes] and it's right at the tip of my fingers- god's not even moving his hand- and i'm still missing it completely. when in reality ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THE STINKING BLINDFOLD OFF! which is symbolically, to me, going to christ, completely trusting in him, and then letting him guide me to where he wants me to be. and i know it's going to be something i want to do. obviously, the gifts he gives us are ones we most likely enjoy. i'm just a horrible decision-maker.

trying to keep the emotion down. i used to always not have random emotional outbursts, and i really don't- it's quite rare- but i had one not long ago and i just hate being like that. it's just... not me. i know i'm sensitive and all that kinda stuff, but i'm not one to explode. when i do that, things get a little crazy. i mean, it's important to say how you feel...

man there i go again. i could talk forever [obvious]. so i'll stop now and hopefully get started on history homework.

love in christ,
autumn



[relate this song in the context of being married to christ]
if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for

and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want

i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you

so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood

because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife

2 hath felt christ's love =D | (( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

I AM HUMAN.
a lot of thoughts and emotions racing through my head. and OH, SO MANY. i can't even begin.

learning more and more of my nature. from god through donald miller i have learned that i am quick to attack but slow to love. through god and my own experiences i have learned that i am indeed selfish, but human nonetheless. it reminds me how much i need god to keep me sane... or just plain okay. feeling fine. feeling like i don't need "all this." i don't know. crazy stuff.

there is so much i am torn up about- stupid things when i feel like i am alone or just helplessly left out. i could expand on that but trust me, i would go on forever. but i'll live, i promise.

i am overly affectionate and i think it scares people. i don't want that to keep me from getting close to people. it's really scary and bothersome to realize that my own displays of affection, something so small, can keep somebody from wanting to be my friend, or wanting to talk to me, or anything. it is. but it's hard... i mean, it's the way i am. i love to give people big hugs and gargantuan smiles. but let's be honest. other people don't like to be touched. and that is perfectly fine- i mean, i am affectionate because it's the way i am, and they aren't because it's the way they are. but whatever.

on the human part. realizing that, as humans, we all need to be loved and we all have the longing. why do you think girls go out and have sex with guys all the time? they want to be loved. they want to be told they're beautiful. they want to feel important. and that's why we need god. not because we need to feel righteous, but because we need to be loved. people DIE because they don't have love. why do you think people commit suicide? they're lonely. they think nobody cares about them, and the root of love is caring and concern. Jesus didn't die because he had a mushy feeling inside. he died because he was concerned... he saw that we were falling apart. all of us. and he cared enough to submit to god, to be obedient and die for us. this is why i feel so depressed sometimes- because i rely so much on other people to feel good, to feel accepted. not by the crowd, but by my friends. i want to be included in everything. i want my friends to hug me back when i hug them. why? because i want that feeling of worth. it's human nature, guys. we all have the feeling, let's not lie my friends. but for too long i have been relying on that, and i'm feeling like total C-R-A-P right now because i haven't had god as my number one best friend. if he was my number one best friend, i wouldn't feel alone or left out. why? because he never leaves me out. he loves me too much. and obviously i've been relying on other humans too much. not god. is this making sense? this is where the god-shaped void that people always talk about comes in. the need to be loved. it's WATER, it's AIR. and only god can fill it because he is the only true love... jesus illustrates it. love, l-o-v-e. not "the way you look at me" or "the only one for me" or "very very extraordinary" or "everything you make it" or etc (did i get that right?). i mean no offense to whoever sings that. i mean it's an awesome song, i sing it in the shower all the time. but not the point. i think you know what i'm saying.

been thinking about the future and stuff- ze husband, ze marriage, ze love, ze jesus (trying to be french or italian or whatever). okay, maybe that is my attempt at un-mushiness or un-seriousness. i'm just looking forward to having a husband, having a family. i can't tell you how awesome it is just to think about spending the entire rest of my life with a man who loves god, a godly man who loves his kids and his family... like jesus loves. and, as donald miller always does, he got me thinking. about how my marriage should be so with god. how i am married to christ... it's how i should be married to my guy. and vice versa. i can't really describe this at all... it's just amazing. being married to christ, that is. and of course, not in a sensual way whatsoever. just complete devotion, true love. true love, guys. not fairy tales. i'm talking gospels here. i don't know... it's so overwhelming to even think of. wish i could describe it, man oh man! well i guess that's why you have to read "searching for god knows what" !!!

man i was really hoping i could get all deep in that. hm. leave it to mr. miller. yeah.

in christ,
autumn



I remember when I'd run to You
Through fields of white flowers
Your embrace was my air
How I needed You there
All of the world and all of its powers
Couldn't keep Your love from me

'Cause I need You like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need You here like You've always been

Then I waved goodbye to You
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I was too proud to see
That all of the world and all of it's powers
Couldn't keep Your love from me...

I need You like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need You here like You've always been

Now I'm looking up at You
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I'm so proud of You
All of the world and all of its powers
Couldn't keep Your love from me