SECULAR HUMANISM, SCHOOL, AND CHRISTMAS.
i am ecstatic to say that SCHOOL IS OUT! and the good news is... well, i was about to say something good about the history test. but it's not concerning the grade- because lord knows i likely bombed it- it's that i wasn't so stressed. this could be partly due to the facts that:
a) there was no essay portion.
b) it was my last exam and all i wanted to do was go home.
or it could be because i just wasn't so freaked out. i'll be honest, i only studied for 2 hours. and believe me, that's chicken nuggets compared to the turkey.

we watched the video on secular humanism yesterday. i am hoping to type up my notes in an entry (my note-taking skills are sharp man). but it was just amazing... how much we have strayed. our country, that is. how much we, as christians, have not fought together enough to put an end to what the american life is becoming. and not even necessarily that- but how relevant secularism is in our lives. how it isn't fair to anyone. how it's so contradictory- to ITSELF! crazy, huh?

i know these kids at my school were joking around, but they subtley made a point today. well i went to look at my english exam grade with a couple kids from my history class and as we were leaving and saying goodbye to our teacher, they said, "happy nondenominational holiday."

i will just leave you to think about that.

...and for a long time because i am about to leave for bible study, and then the xa sleepover (which, like whitney, i have been waiting for for WEEKS!). prayers to all. if you need me, you know where i am...

in christ,
autumn

take me (far from all that's wrong)
let these (fears collapse inside)
take me (back to when I)
believed

and as a little boy they tried to hide his eyes
with reeds and rituals
the paper and the knife
but fire will always burn through skin and forgery
and answer when you won't
the bloodless hands of fear

he didn't know he was hungry

someone had a knife and took away my eyes

the last time is right know
this choice will take or make everything
your face is fading out

wash those days from your eyes
and let them fall away
drown the fear that own

he felt the wake of torrid days
ushered through by warm mistakes
suddenly his broken feet
took their rest on bended knee

the last time is right know
this choice will take or make everything
your face is fading out

i won't stand here
this dance won't stop the music
your promise will help me lead untill the end

what words have you to say (if this is the last time I won't forget you)
before we spill (exhale the last breath, tear down the statues)
this blood (this scar will remain here to mark where we severed)
this time you will be afraid (my life from your hands)
you have lost me
your plan failed (your hands from my heart)

this is the last time

ONE MORE DAY. =D
what's new? one more day of exams. and even though i know the stress won't be one hundred percent ZIPPO (i think i posted in an earlier entry that i would have no stress... but then i realized i have a wonderful extra credit book to read and an art project to finish), i know i will be at peace with my momentary period of peace and relief.

more and more i have begun to grasp the fact that IT'S OKAY. i know that's a hard phrase to grasp, but i'm getting it step by step, thanks to what god is teaching me. especially with exams- specifically history (well apparently that's a no-brainer). i can't tell anybody in human words how STRESSFUL it is. okay, maybe i can. it's... STRESSFUL! i find myself staying up over an hour to just do the READING assignments. and then tests come and i am a hopeless raggedy ann to be flopped around, to be controlled by a stupid scantron and 45 insane and completely impossible questions.

but of course, when it's done, i feel the burden lifted from my shoulders. and now here i am, eagerly awaiting an end to the stress of the ap world history midterm. and all the while i can't HELP but to notice how much sleep i have lost, how many panic attacks i have neared, how many calories i have lost because of a shaky leg, how many pimples i have probably acquired- all that and more, just because of a stupid test. and why am i always so psyched out about it? i mean, i know god wants me to be a good student, i know it makes my parents proud, and i know it feels good to know that i'm doing a decent job in a class. but nevertheless, i still manage to go mad on myself- and maybe other people, too. god's teaching me that i can be a good student, using the head he gave me and working for him, withOUT having to be completely whacko. i mean, i know it's MY fault that i procrastinate- that despite the fact that i have had an entire week and MORE to study for this history test, it is still quarter 'till 6 and i haven't started studying. i know that's MY fault, and i need to work on it. i'm just going to try not to freak out as much. it's one of those things you panic about and realize it actually isn't so bad when it ends. like one of those rollercoasters that goes straight down and you're afraid you'll puke- but in the end it just gives you gargantuan butterflies.

i don't know. i still have a pride problem. plus more. as i sit here and anticipate winter break and christmas, i get excited about the gifts. and then god reminds me that i am becoming like every other kid at christmas. the one that can't stop thinking about what it must feel like to just rip that wrapping paper off in record time, only to meet a new something something, something something, or some other something something. and that is the same kid living a secular life, not even remembering what christmas is. as my dear friend terri says- "without christ, there would be no mas." like tim said, we should show people we are different through the way we celebrate this holiday. i am a christian, i am a person who is so madly in love with god- so why am i focusing on what i get? it's not MY birth we're celebrating here! so why am i getting all the gifts? i just need to focus on what this is. to remember. because it truly is... incredible, monumental, grand... and all those other words meaning "great" that truly can't capture what i'm REALLY trying to say. because nothing can. and that's what christmas is all about. like in the charlie brown movie (which is just awesome) when, at the end, linus quotes something from luke 2:8-14:

8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14“Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests" (Gospelcom).

crazy, huh?

p.s. this movie was criticized as being "religious." you know what is entirely upsetting about that? well, number one, christianity isn't a religion anyway. and number two- well christmas is a CHRISTIAN celebration!!!! how do you expect to not be something regarding G-O-D?!

and this is what ruins the holiday. people saying that christmas isn't a holiday having to do with god.

the meaning is lost. and sometimes i feel like, sometime in the future, nobody will ever even know what christmas celebrates. nobody will know about jesus. now i hope one of two things happens in this case:
1. god comes to earth and whisks us all away before then, or
2. those in love with christ won't let it happen.

learning more and more about christ, learning how i am imperfect and that he... is holy- learning that he is exalted on a throne,
autumn

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

OVERWHELMED.
right now i'm so overwhelmed. i feel like my world is crashing down on me. all the resentment and frustration, the worries, the wasted time, family issues, longing so much for things that would make life that much easier. longing for more god. longing to just throw my arms out and say to god, "let me be numb! take me, take care of this for me! i give up! you are all-powerful, all-mighty..." school is killing me. to illustrate how i'm feeling, it's like a boulder on my back, pushing me to the ground, making it impossible to breathe.

my sin is killing me. i am becoming more and more short-tempered, especially when people don't get the picture ten times in a row. when people tease me. when people annoy me. it's all spiraling down and i feel like any second i could just explode, like if you put enough pressure on a balloon- it will pop. it feels like i'm about to pop.

but time. time is the killer. time is the murderer. i have been so absorbed in school- all the work and all the time i put into it. and what do i get out of it? a couple of grades, maybe a few good experiences or enlightened thoughts. but sometimes i sit with that test on my desk and i literally think, "i don't care anymore." and then i go to that question that i am completely baffled with, and just circle a random answer. i don't put much thought into it.

i just feel so angry. angry with school, wondering why teachers are giving me all this work when i actually have OTHER things to do. and right now i am just calling out, jesus, savior, daddy... please comfort me, take me in your arms, please, oh god... god, i am losing it without you. you are my life. and without you, i am dead. i love you, lord. and i just don't know what to do. i don't want to put all my strength into my school work because it is bearing down on me with such pressure. i'm listening to satan, god. i am just so overwhelmed! i can't take this anymore! and i'm sick of trying to take it into my hands, god. because the reason you didn't put me in charge is because you love me- because if i was in charge, everything would go wrong. everything. god, it feels like i'm dying. i want to give my burdens to you, but i don't know how sometimes. i can talk to you all i want, but it doesn't take all the pain way. and right now is one of those times when i just want to give up and wake up to see your glory in your heavenly place. god, it's killing me, this sin. i'm dying because that is the wages of my sin. death. but god, i trust in you, i really do! i'm just a wimp and i don't want to go out on a limb. and i am getting so frustrated with myself because you are my savior, my life, my reason- and why am i not going crazy for you? why am i not devoting every second of my day to you? why am i worrying about a stupid world history exam and not worrying about your displeasure? i have hurt you for so long, and everyday i tell you i'm sorry. i tell you i want to stop. but exactly how hard have i tried? is being tired really a legitimate excuse?

of course not, god. you're so much more than i am, worth so much more than anything i could ever do. i feel so helpless right now, god. but i know that all i need is you. and i'm like this because that's what i've been missing. YOU. and i'm so sorry... and it's hard to say that because i know this will happen again unless you come to earth in five seconds.

and five seconds has passed.

god i need you. sort out my thoughts, cleanse my mind, just let me know you're holding my hand. just keep teaching me, like you always do. god i want to get rid of all these crazy thoughts in my mind- sometimes resentment, sometimes lust, sometimes frustration, sometimes jealousy, sometimes carelessness, sometimes laziness. and sometimes a lot of other things. but i just want to trust in you, number one. i want everyone to see you in me, but not for me. and that means going to you number one, because there is no such thing as faking your light. it's impossible. god, take me back always to what it means. especially with christmas coming up. just knowing that christmas should be celebrated everyday. and not for toys and food. but for you. because you are so much better than anything money can buy, than what the stomach can devour. in fact, you are indevourable- that's how big and great you are- how unfathomable! you are bigger and greater than me, remind me that. keep me humble- and help me to use those things, maybe even when people tease me, to keep me grounded. to let me know that i'm not perfect. and let it someday be that people will make fun of me for loving you. it sounds ridiculous to a lot of people, but the day somebody persecutes me for being your child, your servant, your fragrance, your megaphone- that's one of those days i'll know i'm doing something right in the least. but not for my glory, lord- like rachel said. i love you so incredibly much. keep me fruitful. take these burdens, i'm sick of trying to solve everything on my own. you are omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent. god please keep telling me your truth, no matter how quietly you say it. god i love you, i love you, i love you, you are almighty, you are everything good and wonderful and incredible plus infinity more! and to think this is all an understatement. i know you are true, i know you are real, and i know this not only by faith but by the knowledge you've given me. you're awesome, you're righteous and holy and always pop any bubble i try to build around myself. you are above all. amen god...

jesus' and only his-
autumn.



"Sometimes when I'm craving your spirit, nothing happens. I stand there with my hands stretched towards heaven, crying out Your name and nothing. Why have I been able to keep faith like a child until now? I don't understand. I want to feel You in my heart, mind, soul, and life. I want heads to turn in the halls when I walk by. It's like I have a heavy burden on my back, but I don't know what it is. There is something in me that makes me want to cry, and I don't even know what it is. Things have changed. Last week was so hard. . . I lost all of my friends at school. Now that I have begun to walk my talk, they make fun of me. I don't really have to say anything and they turn away."

This world can take my life, but one day I will live

"But you know what, it's all worth it to me. I am not going to apologize for speaking the name of Jesus. I am not going to justify my faith to them, and I am not going to hide the light that God has put into me. If I have to sacrifice everything. . .I will. If my friends have to become my enemies for me to be with my best friend, Jesus, then that's fine with me. I'm a loner now. But because I love You, I obey You and follow You. You are too good God. I am so happy now that I have been able to walk my talk. Remember when I asked for heads to turn in the halls when I passed by? I think a few people took a second look. I don't have to say anything, and they just see You in me."

This world can take my life, but one day I will live
If my life's taken down, will you read my worlds
"I write not for the sake of glory, not for the sake of fame, not for the sake of success, but for the sake of my soul."

This world can take my life, but one day I will live
If my life's taken down, will you read my worlds
When I am falling home, don't forget my name

LA LA LAAA...
well let's see. same stuff going on (and by the way andy, the new woohu looks FABULOUS). exam week next week and then a nice long break.

current things on my mind:
1. the true meaning of Christmas.
2. the lies/propaganda I'm being fed at my secular school.
3. wondering certain things about certain people.
4. how great God is. =D

i've been reading max lucado's "it's not about me." AWESOME book, i'm telling you. it has just opened my eyes- i mean, i know it's not about me. but i haven't delved really deep into all the aspects that go into that.

and right now i feel like writing a WHOLE bunch but i have a basketball game that i have to leave for in about 10 minutes. no wait... two!

but check this out.
An Interview With God
I definitely almost cried when i saw that.

in love with jesus and still learning what it means,
autumn

LIFE RIGHT NOW.
i went to the mountains for thanksgiving and it was incredible. besides the fact that my family actually got along (WOW), i learned so much about god. i just sat out and looked at the mountains and got a tiny glimpse of how big god is.

we sit here and we think of god as this completely tangible being, and subconsciously we give him size, probably a hair color, possibly some eye color, a certain nose shape. but man, god is INFINITE. i sat there and thought, god is so great, so how could i ever have thought i could fathom him? his greatness? how big he is? i looked at this incredible mountains and imagined god scooping them up like a sand castle, just taking a scoop of earth in his hand and opening his fist slightly to let the earth fall from his fingers, then figuring the creases in with his fingertips, add a speck of green plant here, a dab of snow there. and i thought, WHOA. he's huge! he really is! he's bigger and greater than these mountains that outsize me by a longshot!

one night there was this dense fog when i went out on the deck (the house where we stayed was perched right on the edge of the mountain), and right when i opened the door to go out i felt a little scared. i mean, this wasn't a little fog. this was actually kinda scary, kinda freaky- i mean, i could not even see the trees right in front of me. but as soon as i calmed down a little i realized how much god protects me. it was almost like there was this white tent around me- concealed from any danger. and i knew it was god telling me that he's got my back. he's protecting me. not from dying in a car crash, not any of that. i mean as in, whatever he wants me to do, he's got me covered. he's going to hold my hand and love me always- and he is big! he's perfect! and if i just trust him, i will extend my arms out and he will carry me on his back, piggybacking me. he will protect me.

i talked to this kid michael on my bus today. your typical kid who just wants to be liked and will do many a thing to get there. he had talked about going to church and stuff, and by the way he acts you wouldn't necessarily conclude that he's a christian. well today he sat next to me on the bus, and he started talking to me about his faith. how he "accepted jesus into his heart but is struggling alot with the devil tempting him and stuff. and he asked me a couple questions and all that jazz... but i don't know. he's a baby in his faith (hey, i'm just a toddler), still wavering with every step, not sure what's what. a couple things he said were eh-eh- like he said he was going to try to go a day without sinning. i told him it wasn't possible- that when you become a christian you sin less because you want to please god- but that you can't stop sinning completely, that only jesus did that. i just hope his faith isn't a cliche- like the whole accepting jesus into his life. i'm not sure if he knows what it means- if he thinks it just means "jesus i want you in my life, i'm a bad person and i want to be good" or, rather, "jesus, i am sorry for everything i have done to you, i hurt you so much, and i'm sorry. i'm sorry and i want to change because i want to please you because i love you." now who even knows if i said that the first time. i just need to talk to him about repentance- that that's how we come to know christ and love him and become christians. it's saying you're sorry. i just want him to understand that, to know the real jesus that i misunderstood for quite a time.

but for now i have to do homework and get some stuff done. god and i are still getting on track, wavering a tad, but getting on track nonetheless. i just need to get things done.

TO DO LIST
+ Birthday/xmas presents for Elena, Amanda, Tyler
+ Christmas presents (June project) for the girls
+ Christmas presents for the guys
+ Britney's birthday present
+ Secret Santa present (P.S. when I have kids I'm not going to lie about there being a Santa- yes, yes, I know, it ruins the mystery, but... I mean come on, it seriously ruins the meaning!)
+ Paint room
...TADA!

off to get stuff done.

love in our king,
autumn



i have tasted of a love so wide
that it stops all my time
i have tasted of a love so deep
that it blows my mind

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

IT'S GOING.
good news: i am slowly but surely getting back on track with god. last night i had a good quiet time, one i haven't had in a lonnngg time. praise him!

but on another one of those thinking notes-

there is a book. it's called "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential." i look at the title and i wonder why people make life out to be a fast-food restaurant, a self-help book, what can make us the happiest. now i don't want to be judgmental, but i know life isn't a formula. though this book is by a christian author, i don't know... you can't go by a formula for satisfaction or joy. life isn't a formula, for a REASON. jesus didn't EVER say, "there are three things you need to do to achieve this" and blah blah. so, i love you joel osteen, but you need to change the title of your book.

but anyway, not much except going to the mountains tomorrow. i'm looking forward to get away from the busyness of life- moms waking up at 5 am to congest harbison boulevard, grabbing for the last shrek on the shelf. the streets are already getting crazy and i'm realizing more and more that christmas is soon.

it's a happy thing and a sad thing (here i go again). i mean, i'm looking forward to really enjoying this christmas- not necessarily for the gifts, but in remembrance. thinking about what it must've been like to witness the birth of the savior of mankind. it must've been great.

there's this song by relient k on their christmas cd called "i celebrate the day." here, let me put the lyrics down:

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever?
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
And I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life.

very relevant to christmas, i'd say. actually, it's ALL ABOUT christmas.

but on the other "sad" note, just remembering that christmas just means trees and gifts. it's sad because a lot of the time i'm excited about getting a bunch of crap under the tree for me, presents for me, happiness (though temporary) for me. and here i am, realizing that this holiday is not, of course, about me at all. it isn't mainly about "family time and presents and good meals." it's celebrating the fact that jesus was born! this is HUGE! and meanwhile, kids are whining because they didn't get the blue power ranger, teenagers are whining because they didn't get their x-box or their car, even some parents are whining because their kids didn't say thank you for everything. it is SO easy to get caught up in one little feeling- the feeling of wanting, the feeling of selfishness. i just want to walk down the street to the gazebo, put my head down on the table, and be quiet for a little while- away from harbison boulevard, away from those crazy moms in their minivans charging to best buy, shoving grandmas out of the ways to get that last halo 2 (an exaggeration, i know- i thought i'd add something slightly humorous there), speeding through red and yellow lights, parking in no-park zones as steam comes out of their ears and their eyes shine red as coals... (ahahhah i'm having some fun here).

but anyway, i guess those are my main thoughts right now. i'm off to... do something? yes, that sounds just fine.

in christ,
autumn



So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You’re watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You’re watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love

BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT.
things are still crazy. i find myself saving the best for last... and falling asleep before accomplishing it. IT being my quiet time. not only that but chores, working on my room, doing homework, reading my bible... and it's driving me crazy. how hard can it be to just GET THINGS DONE AUTUMN?!

bible study was awesome, as usual. i don't know. i still feel like something's wrong, there being no elena or tyler. i mean, they started bible study and i really feel like they shouldn't have to hesitate about coming. i want to take this all to god, but i can't distinguish exactly what he's saying. why, do you ask? the answer is quite simple. DUH AUTUMN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN READING GOD'S WORD. SO ISN'T OBVIOUS AS TO WHY THE SITUATION IS NOT BEING RESOLVED? sheeeeeeeeeeeesh!

on a more update-ish kinda note, i have just finished sorting through a bunch of cards entitled "business reply mail" regarding colleges. yes, drastic, i know. but don't worry, they aren't applications or anything. well duh, i'm only a sophomore. but anyway, i sent this thing in to the magazine campus life with a list of colleges i wanted more information on, and i got a whole mini-package of little postcards to send to the colleges, checking off areas of interest, filling out a little information, so on and so forth. i am a little excited, to be honest. i just know that these are only a fraction of my choices, mainly because of the fact that they are all christian colleges- and i don't even know if god wants me to go to a christian college or not. so who really knows?

well, this is probably one of the shortest entries i've typed up in a while, and i definitely need to go on account of the fact that it is quite late and i have to get up for chris's baptism tomorrow.

lord cleanse my mind, my heart, my soul, my body, my everything... and do the same for chris. god, just keep his heart right for tomorrow. i ask you to forgive me for the fact that i've been neglecting you lately... and i know it hurts, because it's been hurting me too. and all this crazy stuff that's going on, i'm trusting you with it. sometimes i don't act like it, but god, i do trust you. i just get selfish and prideful and try to take it on my own. but you are my king! you are my savior! you are above all, and whisper that into my ear EVERYDAY god. i can't thank you enough for the fact that you are my best friend, and time and time again you have provided me with enough- ALWAYS. i love you so much, lord, my father. you leave me speechless, and you are the only being that will ever rend me to my knees... out of love, out of fear, out of trust, out of awe. it's not for me and it's not about me. it's about you. when i get complacent, knock me out of it, knock me down to humility when i remember you, and what you did. god, you're amazing. i don't get it, i never fully will, but lord i know it and i feel it and i sense it. you are real, you are the light, you are everything to me and i love you more than anything in this world.

amen.



autumn.

JESUS IS CRYING.
i was watching this thing on oprah about couples who "swing," meaning they "swap spouses" at parties and have one-night stands. this one couple is convinced that it's all good, that their relationship is becoming stronger because of it.

and all the while, as those people are laughing and acting like things are just fine, i can see jesus on his knees, tears streaming down his face. and i want to cry too because nowadays fidelity is worth about 10 cents to most people, and now look what the world is getting itself into.

so oprah was asking them all these questions to this couple who has three kids. and not once did she ask them, "how do the kids feel about this?" not once. and i see the fact that there are all these couples out there who don't give a hoot about their kids, they're just "living life to the fullest," living life in the moment to satisfy their temporary wants. not their NEEDS, but their WANTS.

this world is becoming so self-pleasing. god is becoming a sunday thing, if he's even a thing at all.

i just feel for god. i know it hurts him, and i know these people don't care.

how hard is it to understand love? i guess god is showing me more and more that, without him, love is nonexistent. and it makes sense as to why our country is drifting away, exactly like a boat whose rope has slipped from the dock...

in the father, the messiah, the one, THE,
autumn

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8

AMERICA... A NATION ADRIFT.
saw the video today. i feel upset, angry almost. as a matter of fact, i am angry. upset about our nation. wondering why the heck people are the way they are. wondering why people are thoroughly convinced that homosexuality is completely fine and dandy, why abortion is just another right. upset about the fact that this country is falling apart, becoming drowned in paganism. propaganda, immorality, free reign. it's all havoc. SIN.

tonight i realized how big a mess our country is in, and how thankful i am that bush is our president. thankful that a person who doesn't know christ isn't plaguing our nation with lies.

i'm sorry if i'm coming off as too abrasive. i'm just really frustrated right now, saddened and hurt. OUR NATION WAS FOUNDED UNDER GOD, BY PEOPLE WHO KNEW CHRIST AND LOVED HIM, SOUGHT TO OBEY HIM, LONGED TO OBEY HIM. schools don't tell us this. they never have. they have never told us about how george washington loved christ, to the point of falling to his knees. a godly man. but nobody has told us that. and how is it that our teachers still say the words "separation of church and state"??????? as i sit here, almost to tears, i wonder. i'm just so hurt right now, so confused, so angry. i could go on and on, about how pocahontas was baptised into the christian faith at the age of 17; how, not many decades ago, homosexuals picketed at a church so violently that a mentally disabled girl fell down the stairs in fear and a small boy feared that they were there to get him; how the media has been one of the greatest reasons for america's downfall; how robert e. lee loved christ, how all the founding fathers LOVED christ.

did we you know america is possessing many of the traits that communists vied to accomplish?

nope, sure didn't. i didn't either.

did you know that birth control was initially made to wipe out minorities?

nope, sure didn't. i didn't either.

it's disgusting, how much our nation has changed since the founding fathers decided to make this nation one under god. and slowly, gradually, painfully, things started to fade like a mist as people tried to take that away. one nation under god, it's a FACT. get over it and stop lying to us with things like "the founding fathers were athiests." move to another country and get over the FACT that our nation was founded under godly man, and above all, UNDER GOD.

it sickens me how this war is going on between god and the world and yet we sit here absorbing our luxuries. in history today we were talking about the rule of khubilai khan in asia and how his reign dwindled and collapsed after people began to absorb themselves in the luxuries.

america is turning into that.

and it's true. all the girls at school are occupied with the dating scene, the drinking scene, the sex scene. and if not that, the cool scene, or the self-conscious scene. we have the idea that we are living in this utopian society, the land of the free and home of the brave. but we're not. we are becoming land of the sinners and home of the liberals.

i saw commercials for this special on the news, about how "evangelism is becoming a threat to the country." i didn't actually see it, but i heard about it. a threat, why? ever since bush was re-elected people went on this schpeel about how the evangelistic christians screwed up the election because they all voted for bush. well let me tell you, first off, with the way our country is running right now... see, i don't know if i even want to talk about it. and right now i am just so distressed that i don't care if all the people reading this will yell and curse at me, say i'm prejudiced and not a real christian, say i hate everybody and all that crap. well you know what? i'm SICK of being quiet. i'm sick of just sitting there and letting our country go to ruins, go to utter waste because people like me haven't said anything. and i'm SICK of my teachers saying "separation of church and state" so much that i am about to yell and cry and scream because it's not true, and people think it means "separation of god and government" when really that's not the case. i'm really sick of it, i've had enough, and i'm disgusted with myself for being quiet and trying to make everybody happy by just saying "yes i agree" to everything they say.

and yet i'm still frustrated because about 93% of the population probably doesn't get this at all, probably doesn't care, and is probably more concerned with the carolina/clemson game this weekend.

now don't mistake this for hate. i don't hate homosexuals, democrats, abortionists, liberals, ANYONE. what i DON'T like is when people go off with the christian stereotype, thinking that all of us are supposed to hate all those. i'm sorry if this is coming off like this, but there is so much i want to convey right now that i know i am definitely appearing abrasive about it. and i am sorry about that. i'm just very overwhelmed and distressed right now.

i feel like america is becoming this big country with propaganda, loose EVERYTHING, AH! so it's illegal to squash an eagle's egg but perfectly fine to kill a baby?

you need to see this video.

our nation is falling apart. what do you do when you feel like you don't have a voice, when you begin to realize that you are one person, and one person alone? i don't want to be one person anymore. i don't WANT to speak for myself. i want to speak for god! i want to speak for our founding fathers! i want to speak for the minorities, those who margaret sanger tried to exterminate. i want to speak to all those who satan has tried to screw up. but more than anything i want god back here. i feel like america has experienced a garden-of-eden-esque fall. a couple things happened, and it spiraled from there to a point where we are questioning everything and assuming that we can do whatever we want.

i don't know, i know i'm not making 100% sense right now. my thoughts are everywhere.

but on another note, i'm still reading don miller's "searching for god knows what." incredible book. god showed me so much today through a couple chapters in that book- why i think the way i do. he showed me how many times i think "well what will people think?" which is much more common than i thought. you really need to read that book- it has opened my eyes so much, as god always does through donald miller. he has an awesome writing style as well.

well a lot is going on, and i have a lot of thinking and praying to do. pray for our country. more information on that later.

in christ,
autumn

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

=D
i am completely ecstatic- jeremy's speaking tomorrow at fca. i miss him, haven't seen him in a long time- he has an incredible gift from god. the gift to convey genuine emotion, the gift to speak god's awesome love and word. i am thirsting for the student body to hear what god has to say through him, because jeremy has such an insane passion for christ. i keep saying, well i hope he talks about this, blah blah... and then i realize that whatever god puts on jeremy's heart to say is perfectly fine- BETTER than fine, much better.

well besides the fact that i'm INSANELY EXCITED, i must be getting homework done. i'm beginning to realize, with god tugging at my heart, that i need to stop being lazy and procrastinating. it's all fun and games until i start drifting. man i can feel god hurt, and it hurts me too, knowing that his word has been left dusty in the corner- by me. now if there's one of jeremy's messages that hit me the most, it was the one about god being amazed. amazed in the bad way- how he hurts when we don't care, when we're lazy, when we give up. well i've been giving up lately and it's been eating me alive. but i know it's a good thing, the fact that it's been eating me alive- because god is talking to me somehow. the holy spirit is telling me something's wrong. and something is. man oh man, i will never forget the tears that streamed down jeremy's face. i am left moved, but i do not move. does that make sense? i am moved by what people say, and i long so much to change, but yet i find myself sitting around and making no change. sheesh, i'm so lazy.

on that note, i'm off to do homework.

in christ,
autumn

I warned you when you felt secure, but you said, 'I will not listen!' This has been your way from your youth; you have not obeyed me.
jeremiah 22:21



Let me tell you what He did for me
With the weight of my worries tearing my sleeve
I cried to my Father, the end of all hope,
“Show me the rope, which way to go”
As I fell asleep He took away my worries
He picked me up and put me on His shoulders

I could see for miles
He showed me that the mountain I’m climbing
Is not a mountain at all
But a gentle slope leading home

There are mountains
towering ahead
He says to me, “These are mine,
Hold my hand you’ll be fine”

I could see for miles
He showed me that the mountain I’m climbing
Is not a mountain at all
But a gentle slope leading home

“The mountains are mine”
“The mountains are mine”
“The mountains are mine”
“The mountains are mine”

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

=)
i do have the best friends in the world. and my family's pretty cool too. man, god has blessed me like crazy- he loves me, he does.

friday, "bible study" was supposed to be at sara's house, but she "couldn't have it" because her "parents weren't home" so we had to have "it" at my house. so dad and i went to pick up sara (it took a while, i was being a slow driver because it was a.dark and b.rainy and wet). so we went to publix on the way home to pick up some "bible study" snacks and really took our time. so we did that and got home, and i opened the door and i saw a pair of sandals that weren't mine at the end of the stairs and a jacket that wasn't mine as well, so i thought andrew's girlfriend must be over or something. so it was a little dark and we went inside and headed to the famliy room, and i could make out this huddled mass in the family room. the lights flicked on and my friends all shouted "surprise" and rain toward me with pink and green balloons, shouting like crazy people.

and i always told myself that i would definitely figure it out if somebody tried to throw me a surprise party. guess they fooled me!

so things make sense. i got a fake bible study email saying the bible study was supposed to be at sara's house (i was the only one who got that email, muahaha), and the whole "bible study can't be at sara's" was part of The Plan. man my family and my friends are smart. sara handed out "shhh" invitations to people behind my back and everybody sent emails to my mom with all the questions- because i would've noticed if they had called the house. smart people!! now i know why sara was stalling in publix- she was like, "wow, mocha whipped cream!" and "they have those in tins now? that's so weird!" and then my dad got the wrong coffee and was like, man i wanted starbucks, and sara said well there's starbucks. so he wasted time getting the wrong coffee(though i think that was really an accident)... and we were trying to find the right aisle for the chips and sara was like, this way! no wrong way! lol. and when we picked up sara she told me she got me an early birthday present, and i thought that was odd because i didn't even have a party planned... very smart, very smart. so for everybody who ever thought i was genius, let this event testify that i'm not!

it was the greatest birthday party ever- some of the guys came, which was good. sara and i were talking about this- how it's so easy to hang out with guys (well at least the guys we know) because we don't have to deal with drama-talk and guy-talk all the time. it's just about you and him talking about what you want to talk about... not having to feel uneasy. can't you tell i have good guy friends too? it was pretty hilarious. they did that thing in "who's line is it anyway" when you put your arms under somebody else's and act like your arms are their's. jeb and danny did that and just shoved cake in eachother's faces. glad i caught that on video!

it was awesome, got great gifts and wonderful cards (never thought i would like the notes that much), lots of hugs and kisses and a couple serenades as well (thanks jeb for "skating in central park"). every instrument in my house was played! violin, guitar, piano, it was crazy. we had like a band in there or something!

it felt good because i don't think anybody really felt left out, as far as the invites go- all my close friends were invited so that was good. i wish elena and tyler came though, they're awesome. they're keepers. but i guess tyler is going to winthrop today, which is exciting because he's thinking about going there for college- he's a really gifted artist. it makes me sad because he'll be gone next year- i'll miss him, and some of the other seniors as well- those kids in our church family, like chris, jared, and mark (is matt a senior? i think he is too). ah i don't know. all this leaving-and-starting-a-new-life-somewhere always bothers me every year, especially since my brother and his friends started to leave a couple years ago.

this year has been so turbulent. i'm really scared to graduate because i don't want to leave everybody i have here. i have the greatest friends and i can't imagine making new ones and starting all over again. i don't want to lose my friends- i feel like we'll drift. and i don't want to. i just love them so much. i'm actually finding myself wishing that these years will last longer- they are so incredibly bittersweet. i have people that love me as much as i love them, and it's hard to leave those things.

ah here i go reminding myself how depressing things can be. i could go on and on, but i'm afraid it'll get me all sad and stuff like that. sighhhhhhhhh...

i guess it takes a surprise party once in a while to remind you that people love you. =) thanks you guys, i do love you- way more than you'll ever know or understand. god has blessed me with so much i deserve, and you guys are one of those blessings.

in christ,
autumn

I ALWAYS LEAVE STUFF OUT...
i always forget to add something to an entry that i was initially going to add. but anyway.

i've decided that i'm just going to quit trying to get close to people. i'm just trying too hard and not being my whole, complete, true self. lately i've realized that i haven't been myself just because i want to get what i want- to put it blatantly. it's like, almost in my subconscious- do this for that. i'm not thinking, "well i have to not be autumn and be this way." it's just my subconscious, and i do half the things i do without being aware of exactly what i'm thinking- if that makes sense. (my thoughts aren't coming out 100% right because my lovely, taped fingers are stumbling over the keys and i'm typing slowly and clumsily)

on another note, one of my brothers in christ is going through something tough right now. please pray for him... i love you alex, you have been so great to me. just trust god in this. it hurts him to see you upset, he cares for you man. i know you know all this, but it's good to be reminded. god's embracing you right now... he wants to hold you alex, he's going to take care of you. i know he's happy to see that you're not holding everything in. i am not the only one praying for you.

father, help alex out. i thank you so much for being there for him, for just holding him like no other... and god that is something unexplainable, the fact that you are the only healing power for him. i pray that he can trust in you lord, and not let it hold him back. teach him something huge in this- i know you are already doing that. give alex hope. thank you for being his biggest light. let him know that he has people who are there for him, always. i pray that he will become stronger in you because of this. if i can do anything for him, let me know god- i want to do it. be there for his family, let them know that you are present in their crisis. let them know that, though everything really stinks right now, you're there. you love them. amen.

on purevolume, they have some really great people doing their thing for god. check out desert cry. they're AWESOME if you like acoustic-alternative. check out abigail curry as well. if you're looking for other christian artists, you can go to the basic search for christian music on purevolume and pick out stuff you like.

please tell me if you have a prayer request...

in christ,
autumn

LEARNING MORE.
on friday i went to bible study, which was awesome (of course). we went door to door getting signatures for the petition to get the bible class in our school. it was awesome going out to the community- even getting the "no, i don't want to sign anything" or the "no thanks" was enlightening. i guess it made me realize how many people there REALLY are that don't care much for god.

church today was just overbearing- but in a good way. i always have this question in the beginning of the week i struggle with, and it is always answered somehow. this week i was wondering what it means to fear god.

foster spoke today (he spoke at big frog uno) and when i saw him i was like, YES! (fist-pumping moment) because he talks with such passion, basically yelling at you (but out of love, i promise) and i always get so much out of what he says. but today he just spoke to me, like everyone has been doing lately- and god speaks through those people. i know god's been trying to get my attention for a long time. today he told me what's up.

sorry if i sound bland right now, i'm still pondering majorly.

but anyway, foster talked about the three most vital lessons of life:
1. fear god
2. guard your mind
3. choose your friends wisely
notice that number one is to fear god! yes!

i don't know, there are so many words... but foster did a great job giving us a visual of what the three look like. here are the corresponding video clips he showed for each:
1. prince of egypt- the sea parts and the people make it safely to the other side
2. the passion of the christ- when jesus is in gethsemane and satan is throwing him lies
3. lord of the rings- the part where gollum (he looks human) holds the ring and then he turns all nasty and talks about forgetting who we are. here's the quote: "They cursed us. Murderer they called us. They cursed us. And we wept, Precious, didn't we? We wept to be so alone. And we only lust to catch fish so juicy sweet. And we forgot the taste of bread... the sound of trees... the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name. My Precious."

now i know it seems like gollum has nothing to do with choosing your friends wisely. the clip comes in to play with holding onto something so much that it changes you. in this case, i guess gollum (i don't know much about lotr) is obsessed with the ring and this desire changes him- parallel to our desire to be accepted. and when we fall into that, we forget who we are. we lose who we are because we have been putting up this facade, and we've been living it and faking it for so long that we forget who we REALLY are, as gollum said: "we even forgot our own name." but what foster was specifically talking about, when we start hanging with the wrong people, we start to fall and lose god. we start to lose him, and we start to change- spiritually, mentally, sometimes even physically. spiritually, all the things we learned about god are thrown into the back of our heads, and we just have no desire anymore for god. mentally, we start to think things we wouldn't have if we hadn't been so involved with these people who bring us down. physically, as foster said, we "lose our glow." we don't look happy anymore, because we truly aren't. he said something else that made the physical aspect make sense, but i don't remember it all. and sometimes, when we slip into that crappy life, we just don't take care of ourselves. so if you're a christian, don't think it's all okay to be with the wrong crowd 24/7. i don't care what you say- you'll start to be like them. no matter HOW hard you try. i don't care if you yell and scream at me- it's true, and everyone knows it.

and fearing god. that's HUGE. it's about fearing his majesty... and the prince of egypt clip made that tangible- for me at least. they reached the other side of the water and they stared in awe, in fear, of what power parted this water and created these huge walls. they looked at it and knew nothing could explain it except for god. not a huge wind, not even moses. it was GOD. it was an unexplainable force, and there was no denying it. i can't find the verse right now, but there's one that says something about fearing the displeasure of god. and now i realize that i do feel it, and i need to feel it. and then i feel like hitting myself, remembering all the times i am caught in my own selfishness, afraid to please god. like at fca. why don't i bow down? why don't i fall on my face, in awe of god? like when isaiah says "woe to me!" when he realizes he is in god's presence. he's like, crap, god's huge, and i'm a sinful guy, and he has the power to do ANYTHING to me. he is HUGE! he is AMAZING! (isaiah 6). and yet i sit in school and keep my mouth shut. and yet i act normal. and yet i find myself straying and neglecting god's word and having heartless prayer and all this other crap, and why? and it DOES scare me, it actually does because at any moment god could strike me down. god is big and i am small, and sometimes i salute god as if he is not amazing, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient. and as i kick myself god is saying, "hey, calm down, you get it now, so DO something. don't beat yourself up about it- just DO it."

foster put another thought in my head. about how we're just running around, running away from god, and he's just running after us. chasing us. wanting us. wanting to love us. and i smile remembering the part in the passion where jesus finally dies and all our sins are taken care of and then you see satan crying out in misery. and i'm thinking, "told ya. are you having fun down there?" because jesus was so right. satan sat there telling him that everyone's sins were too much. but jesus proved him wrong and never believed him- he guarded his mind from that. when satan asked him questions, he didn't even answer- he ignored satan and just kept talking to god. didn't divert his attention.

but wow. i have learned so much today. foster told us a quick story and asked us a question- he talked about how there was this one church and they planned everything and somebody asked the pastor or someone, "is there anything at your church that you can't explain, is there anything going on that you just can't explain?" and the guy's answer was "no... there honestly isn't." and then foster asked us the same question- and told us not to beat ourselves up about it, but to think about it. i mean, honestly. i think it can safely be said that, when you can't explain something, that god is there- there's something else working. one other important random thing he mentioned was the fact that there is so much of your mind involved when it comes to god- your battle with temptation is right up there in your head. you can choose to guard those things or not. .....

i'm going to leave this with some sites with verses about fearing god:
1. fear of god bible verses
2. and more...

in christ,
autumn



Sometimes time drains us down
washes us with guilt and questions
we will stand tall in the end
we will win...

We will fight.. forever this time
Until they die or they're washed away
We will fight.. forever this time
until they die or they're washed away.

Words will try to break us down
cloud our minds with waves of regret
storms will come, in the end
we will win...

We will fight.. forever this time
Until they die or they're washed away
We will fight.. forever this time
until they die or they're washed away.
We will win..

we will not move
we will not lose
we will not give in
we will not lose
we'll stand tall in the end
we will win

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

WOO. THAT WAS A LOT.
i don't think i've ever written four entries in one day. i guess that puts yesterday in the record book, eh?

let's see, now that i've released all those crazy thoughts, i don't have a ton to say. yesterday was just crazy. but you know the weird thing? i felt so much closer to god- the day my sin exploded in my face was the day i came to god so genuinely, not being able to pray a "fast-food prayer," but coming to god in desperation- knowing that there was no time for empty words. it's cool how he works. i'm not saying "come on, sin! it'll bring you closer to god!" because surely your intentions will do the opposite. paul said, shall we sin more so that grace may abound (that's romans 6:1)? of course not. i mean, come on, it makes sense.

so, on a different, more update-like kind of note, i am stumbling among these computer keys as a popsicle stick and white tape grace my ring finger. why, you ask? the story is short and simple- short but not sweet. i was at basketball practice today (A-TOWN!!) and jammed my finger. the pain is pretty crappy, but i have to remind myself to stop whining because i know god is sitting there saying, "autumn, you're RIDICULOUS. remember my son? imagine your pain times one million bajillion INFINITY!" and i'm like... ouch. sorry god, that was selfish of me.

but now i'm off. i need some major quiet time. i guess i will hit the subject of yesterday's entries later. i am quite taken aback by yesterday's insanity.

jesus blessings to y'all,
autumn



Wait awhile for me. Because I am
just not ready.
I beg to see your face.
But all I see and all I hear is nothing.
Nothing.

Where did you go? Far away?
'Cause I can't see your face here.
Where did you go? Far away?

I have been here!
Where did you go? Far away?
'Cause I can't see your face here.
Where did you go? Far away?
'Cause I can't see your face here.

Halle, Halle, Hallelujah.
Salavation came and brought me in.
Brought me and gave me life.
Brought me in and it felt so right.
Halle, Halle, Hallelujah.
Salavation came and brought me in.
Brought me and gave me life.
Brought me in and it felt so right.

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??