DESPERATION.
this is one of those journals where you can sense the tone of desperation.

so man i've just been covered in sin. covered. at least, in my own definition. and at first i thought it was sudden, and then tim was talking this morning and it felt like he was talking directly to me- and i realized it all started with something small. it really did. it started with me slacking off with god- not reading his word, and thus not having my time with him. i was basically neglecting him. and then satan started to whisper in my ear and his voice became louder, all because i wasn't focusing on god. all these other noises were just pounding in my brain, overriding His. and then i became stuck. and then i woke up and this enormous sin clouded over my thoughts and i said to god, "but god... it's so hard! can't i just..." and then i snapped out of it and was like, autumn, you're going insane!

man. and who was i to think that nothing bad would come from shoving my bible in a dusty corner? someone completely stupid.

so it's good i heard god speaking to me. now i just have to keep listening. sometimes i realize that it's all about me, me talking to god, not vice versa. it's about me and what i want. it's about me and not him, and from there everything gets so screwed up.

i mentioned this in the last entry... about old feelings coming back again. let me get specific.

before jesus took me up in his arms- which he had tried to do before but i was completely unaware- it was just me. i guess now people can't imagine there being a dark side to me, but there was. i mean, i wasn't physically harming myself or putting myself into illegal situations, but that doesn't mean my heart wasn't cold. it was.

looking back, i can't believe how selfish i was. i took every small thing to heart- i got teased and made fun of a lot, for one thing or another. but i always acted like nothing bothered me, because i was prideful. i kept telling myself to hold my head high- to not let people see my vulnerability. and i know it sounds really cheesy, but guys, i cried all the time. i cried because i felt hated, i felt that my friends weren't real friends. i needed someone, apart from my parents, who cared, who loved me. i didn't really know that then, but now i see it. my relationships were empty. every little thing was just magnified by my emotions. sometimes i look back and wonder if i was in some sort of stage of teenage depression or something.

and last night one feeling came back, and then i felt like i was starting all over again. it was like that one feeling just brought me down totally- and then these big bold words flashed in my head: "wow. i'm depressed." it was just one feeling that triggered the past, and the past triggered old thouhts and feelings. it was WEIRD. it's like you're standing on top of a chair and all of a sudden you sink down and fall- like so much positive change has occurred and then you are smacked to the ground, to do it all over again.

but i'm not depressed. that's the thing. it was like satan was saying, "hey autumn... remember how it felt in sixth, seventh grade? remember that? you're feeling it now. here it comes again." and i was like, whoa, you're right...

it's somewhat of a placebo. it was like, if i thought i was depressed, then i started to FEEL depressed... does that make any sense? think of a real placebo used for surveys and medical reasons- we're studying this in stat. like if you give one person the placebo and say "yup, it'll relieve you of your nervous condition" then it is quite possible and highly likely that the person will be nice and dandy- not because of the sugar pill but because of the psychological thing. is this making sense?

and this is all a prime example of why god wants us to use our heads, not just our hearts, to know him and love him. i think that is one big thing i have over satan- he can sure get me all emotional and touchy, but when the facts come in, it's like... BOO-YAH, SATAN! WHAT NOW?!

and more and more all these things are coming in to play- a lot of the things i've talked about here, i've been having to use them. for instance, with all the sin that's been floating around me, i have to just push it aside and replace those thoughts with godly ones, instead of fighting them. and sometimes i want to think those thoughts, and then i have to talk to god. i HAVE to. i have to say, "god, it's SO hard, i want to think that thought! help me here!"

sometimes i just realize how dumb i am. yeah, i'm this straight-a kid, but that isn't crap when it comes to god. let me tell you, i make the dumbest mistakes. why am i willing to sacrifice my world, my life, my savior, my father, my reason, my friend, my EVERYTHING- why am i willing to sacrifice all that for one thought, for one stupid sin that only temporarily pleases me? WHY? i don't get it. i try to find all these worldly solutions when the real solution is right there, right in front of me. it's like all those surreal teenage love stories, where they say, "i was looking for love! and all the while you were standing right in front of me!" but instead there's no making-out scene, no i-love-you-baby. there's just me and god, and i'm asking so much forgiveness, knowing that i will sin again, knowing that i don't deserve anything god gives me. and it reminds me that i'm a perfectly flawed human, not anywhere near god. not even in the same league, much less the same UNIVERSE.

why do we always go toward satan's way and our own distorted image of passion and counsel when the real one is infinity-times-more accessible, truthful, genuine, real... it baffles me. and it's why i get so disgusted with myself sometimes. and then god reminds me that if i just trust him... i'm taken care of.

i find myself getting depressed over things like, "this person doesn't like me" or "this person doesn't want to be friends with me" or "this person is too cool to care about me" or "i'm just not good enough for them" and so on and so forth. i hate it. but despite that, sometimes it still consumes me. it just takes me back because that was sixth and seventh grade autumn, longing for anybody cool to give me a second glance. sometimes i wonder if it's true, and it controls me. and it's so stupid because i'm not like that, that's not who god made me to be- i have the greatest friends. i just want to be closer to some of them. not because i idolize them, but because i see something in them that makes me want to be able to confide in them, and them in me. what is it about that feeling?

ahh. history homework.

somebody say something- let me know somebody hears me, that i'm not insane!

love in christ,
autumn



somebody please tell me
what am I suppose to do
you died and i'm here
thinking that i hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
i beg you God tonight bring me peace
i'll never sleep without the dreams of you alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as i held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until i see you again
while words (your life) evade me (but a moment)
i'll wait to (i'll cling to) remember you (forever)
and what you had (your words) meant to me (on my blood)
could never be forgotten
the chains (why) of death (don't take)
are falling (away), but my heart still bleeds
it longs for (why) the day (did you die)
when we will be as one

3 hath felt christ's love =D | (( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

THE AFTERMATH.
went to the all-nighter last night and it was crazy-fun (well what did you expect?!). the video scavenger hunt was an ingenious idea, minus the fact that some people got a little too excited. hopefully our church isn't hated by all of columbia (notably bi-lo, the movie theater, burger king, and nearby neighborhoods). that was the only negative to the idea.

i can't wait to see the video tomorrow! we made it tuesday and it's too funny! i love gateway, i love the people, i love hanging out with them. i'm just kind of at a crossroads right now- a lot of school stuff coincides with church stuff; guitar club and shooting videos are both on tuesday, and cross country conflicts with wednesday church. i just don't know what god wants me to do- spend my extracurricular time being around the people at school or with my family in him? i know he wants me to witness, but i always fail him at that. i mean i know my entire life is a mission and i shouldn't just be witnessing at guitar club, at cross country, etc. etc. but you know what i mean. i just need to do a better job during school hours- representing god and not myself. i hate how i start to get all independent and AH it just drives me crazy. i just don't know what to do. all i know is that my mission is to glorify him. maybe i'll alternate- who knows. there's just a lot going on. another thing i do know is what jeremy talked about at camp- how you need to spend most of your time with your brothers and sisters in christ because they are the best influences on you, and as time goes on and you become stronger in christ, you can then gradually start to spend more time with nonchristians. i'm not saying that the nonchristians are the witches and i'm the person surrounding myself with the salt- it's that i need to spend more time with people who can help me more with my walk in christ, and then i can go out and witness. otherwise, i'm unprepared, and thus i will misrepresent christ.

and again the old me comes back. the old autumn came back last night- not necessarily on the outside, but on the inside. the old feelings- the old autumn bringing the new, reborn autumn down. it's weird how the mind works- one side fighting the other, like a battle inside your brain. i just have to learn to trust god and to ignore it, just push it aside.

this morning at approximately 6:15 i got home fromt he all-nighter and slept like a stinking log. i woke up and it was 4:00! and then i felt like crap because it felt like i had wasted an entire day. but it's okay because i made up for it between the hours of 9 pm and 6 am.

the whole issue of getting closer to people came up again last night, as expected. i just don't know how to do it! you try to talk to somebody and it ends up to be this forced chit-chat. man, so much i wish that i could just jump into a deep conversation with somebody, and then see them in the hall and actually say HEY like i know them! but it's just always awkward. i end up being the one who says hey and then i back off when i see that the person has somewhat forgotten that hour of personal connection that we experienced a day or so before. and i'm sick of just talking to people online and not talking to them in half as deep a manner in person! man, i hate that. i mean, maybe talking online gets you to know a bit about them, but i don't like the fact that it is more easy for some people (often i myself) to bear their souls through a monitor than face-to-face. it's not as personal when it's on the computer. and then the awkwardness comes as a result. i mean, i don't really hold back when i'm talking to somebody online, but i'm just saying i'd much rather talk face-to-face.

and on yet another note, god and i aren't so hot. i just find myself not wanting to read his word- not because i don't like it, because by all means i am so fascinated by his word because it has ALL the answers- but because i know i'm going to have to see that i'm not a superhero. it's just the way i am- when i see god's word i just want to read it all at once, though that is humanly impossible (except if you're that savant guy that was on ripley's). i just want to read it all and know it all like the back of my hand. but i can't, and i think that's a reason why i have trouble sitting down and reading god's word- not because it is boring or hard to read, but because i just want to read it all and know it all in five seconds. i guess you could say god is definitely trying to teach me patience- patience is often my weakness.

dah, i'm still searching for boldness. i guess it goes hand-in-hand with the fact that i need to be talking to god all the time and listening to him all the time- completely tuning my ear, mind, and heart to him. because if i do that, i will just obey him like that (this is where you snap your fingers). so when the opportunity comes up when i need to say something, i'll be hearing god and not my own little voice, not satan's little voice.

we're starting to read dante's inferno in english. this will be interesting. with god's help, i've already seen a couple of things wrong already, and we haven't even gotten into the book yet. i don't know, i haven't been to hell so i don't know what it's like- but from what god's word says, some stuff isn't right. dante was using the inferno as retribution and not as truth. for instance, you are placed in hell according to your sins and given certain punishment pertaining to that. but the bible doesn't put certain sins in front of the other. i mean, yes, certain sins definitely have worse consequences than others, but god doesn't say that this is worse than this (i think that verse is in james- i think james 2:10 kind of states that: "for whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it."

oh yeah, random verse that describes what jeremy said the the demons believe in one god too- james 2:19: "you believe that there is one god. good! even the demons believe that- and shudder."

okay back to the issue of the inferno and punishment and stuff.

no wait, i'm finding all this cool stuff in james! james 4:14: "why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is your life? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." true that, true that. and then more: "instead, you ought to say, 'if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' as it is, you boast and brag. all such boasting is evil. anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." nice one james, i have to give you props. you're a man of god. and then james 5:12: above all, my brothers, do not swear- not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. let your 'yes' be yes, and your 'no,' no, or you will be condemned." that's an interesting bit of information. yet again- james 5:13:"is any one of you in trouble? he should pray. is anyone happy? let him sing songs of praise. is any one of you sick? he should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. and the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. if he has sinned, he will be forgiven. therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

well i don't know where that verse is but i'm sure i'll find it somewhere- i know i have it written down somewhere.

dang, that was cool. so many answers to stuff i was talking about in past entries has so much scripture on it. wow, god's cool. =D

well i'm off to bed, then church. i'm going to wet my pants when we see the video...

in christ,
autumn



Take this heart of darkness
I give it up
and all the emptiness
You fill it up
the times that I feel nothing
You bring enough
So I can live for something
You lift me up

and all these bad dreams
I wake up to the light
and when I can't see
I wake up to Your eyes

Wake me up
there's a light up ahead
there's a light up ahead (yeah)
there's a light up ahead
wake me up
there's a light up ahead

Wake me up
it gets so complicated
if you live enough
turn in to what you hated
you're breaking up
The times I feel like nothing
You bring enough
So I can live for something
You lift me up!

and all these bad dreams
I wake up to the light
and when I can't see
I wake up to Your eyes

Wake me up
there's a light up ahead
there's a light up ahead (yeah)
there's a light up ahead
wake me up
there's a light up ahead

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

NEW STUFF.
god's been "spitting out words" like a crazy man on paper lately! coincidentally i was the one holding the pen. here is some of what i have so far.

Let my words be
Reflections of Your beauty
Let us see the cross in these songs

Let the melodies resonate in this place
Let them echo to the Heavens-
May You hear them in Your place

We close our eyes and we listen
We soak up the voices of angels
Oh, how beautiful the sound
Lord how beautiful the sound!
What is this You have created
That I might listen?

What is this blanket...
What is this skin I have made
This facade I have built
For my own selfish sake?
Lord rescue me from myself...

Why do I not bow down?
Why do I not shout Your name?
Father, why am I afraid to worship You?
Where are my heart and mind
When my lips proclaim these words?
Lord I have been a coward
I have been prideful
And I come in sorrow,
Crying out my apologies;
Your feet are too clean to be kissed by me,
By lips that have left Your word neglected.

I did not sing those words to You,
How many times will I sing words to air?
Lord Jesus be my audience,
Turn one hundred faces into Your one.
Show me penetrated hands-
Hands penetrated by hate,
But healed by a love so grand,
So great-
So I will remember,
ALWAYS-
Father never let me forget-
That You are something more,
That these words have meaning
Defined by You...
Defined by Your love and Your grace.
This is real,
This is real,
This is love,
This is You standing on front of me-
Love has a face.

Indeed that is something more.



and next....



Lord I love it when You whisper in my ear
Telling me those things I've waited to hear-
That You are present,
In these places-
See Your people,
On their faces-
Lord bring me humbly to my knees...

Break my heart with a whisper
Welcome me with a kiss
Weaken my legs beneath me
Brought to knees by this.
Manifest Yourself O God,
Not because I am worthy-
Because even though I love You,
God I am so undeserving...



and...



The world seems to move faster this morning,
Clouds are racing across the sky.
It is perfect weather for

Am I seeing the dawn of something new?
Is there hope for salvation,
Hope for new life?
Lord break his heart
Like the once cold stone of my own
Shatter it with Your fist of love,
Chisel way, chisel way,
O Giver of Life.

When we find our hearts getting cold again,
Lord fire us back up and shape us once more
And we will become new.
How is it that Your fire is like a water that cleanses?
If Your water is like Your fire,
Engulf us in it,
Engulf us in it,
Let it consume us,
Let it consume us,
O Forgiver.



some are excerpts and some are just... what they are? haha i don't know. well i guess that's all for the moment. i'll return for a real update later. whenever "later" will be is a mystery to me (hey that rhymes... sounds like a song to me!).

in christ,
autumn

BACK FROM XA.
elena shared her testimony tonight and it made me realize all the more how i really want to get to know her. i mean, really, as like a real friend. i mean i have always wanted to be friends with her, but tonight i realized it more. and i mean close friend kind of thing. i don't know, i feel like there are so many cool godly people that i'm just itching to get close to, but i feel like it "won't happen" or something. and i know that's stupid, but there comes the old autumn again and her emotionally-vulnerable ways, i guess you might say.

i don't know, she's just an awesome person and i can see the passion for god she has in everything she does- just even in her expressions and the way she talks. and she really cares, she really does- especially her family. i envy her in the fact that she has such a close relationship with her brother- they're best friends. i want to say "i wish i had that," but coveting only leads to worse things. after all, things are the way they are in my life for a reason.

i wonder what holds me back from becoming close to some people. i mean, with the girls i just jumped right into it. i think it was because i had no real friends at the time, no friends i could confide in like i can with them and with jesus. i don't know, it's weird. it's especially weird how the subconscious works- when you think something but you're not completely aware of it.

but for now i'm off for quiet time. "toodle-loo."

man, i'm just praying that people will understand what i'm saying when i talk to them- that when i say things or give advice, it is out of love, not from a patronizing attitude. i want so much to talk to people in a way that they know how i feel, without the element of psychology or counseling. just friend-to-friend, sister-in-christ to sister-in-christ, or whatever. and that definitely requires prayer- because how can you talk like jesus without asking him to talk for you?

in christ,
autumn

AASDLFKJ;L.
i don't really think i need to say anything about bible study because, once again, words are useless. in other words, bible study just keeps getting better and better.

i'm definitely thinking of the fact that people don't know how much other people care about them. sometimes i feel like i don't matter as much to someone as they matter to me. it might be true, it might not be true, but in any case, there always is that someone who thinks about you more than you know or more than you may assume. and i don't mean this in a crushy way at all, whatsoever. i guess i'll just say that there are so many people in my life that i think about all the time and wonder if they think about me like i think about them.

i don't know, maybe this sounds like a completely secular thing because it sounds worldly or selfish or something. but i don't know. just let me give you an example. let's say there's someone named john (it's the most general name to use for anonymous people, get my drift? i think if "john" were to read this, he would know who he is). well john i guess sometimes feels like nobody really cares about him a lot, feels alone sometimes, but it's not like he's some suicidal loner guy. see that's the thing- he's not. he's always got a smile on his face, he's smart, he's got so many god-given gifts, he's funny, and he really cares about god. and i mean a relationship. he's incredible, he's awesome, he's just a great guy. but he doesn't think anyone thinks that.

and it's like, cyclical. i'm like, "well that really stinks because i think john's awesome..." and then i'm like, "well i guess i'm just nothing either... i mean he thinks nobody cares so i guess he doesn't see that i care, so i guess he just doesn't notice me" which probably isn't true.

i guess what i've noticed about myself is that i am always longing to become closer to someone, to become their friend and "confidante," i guess you would say. i don't know exactly why. i just want to know people so bad, i always want someone to talk to about god or something. i don't want to say it's because it makes me feel important because... i don't know. i don't know what it is about getting close to someone, but i love it. i have no idea why. i think it's because, when you like someone a lot and really think they're cool and you see something different, something godly in them- you are drawn. i think that's it. i think because when god manifests himself in someone, it's like a magnet.

but satan always comes and tells me i'm not good enough, that nobody cares. and i think that's what john is feeling- like he's alone. like nobody cares, like everyone is in a different world and he's not in it. and i don't want to sound all guidance-counselor-ish or psychiatrist-y, not at all. i just know that i've been through it and i sometimes do, so i can relate to what's going on with him.

it's just frustrating to see this person like this. i just want to say, "hey, you know what, i care about you, and not in a crushy way at all. in a brotherly way because you are in my family in christ, and i care! you may not think so but you are a big person in my life! i have learned a ton from you, and you don't get it. i'm not trying to make it seem like i feel bad for you- because i don't. i just feel like you don't know that there are people who DO think about you, who pray for you and worry about you because they love you a lot. and i'm not your best friend or anything, but i know enough about you to know that god has made you an awesome child of his. and i see that in you! and i know i'm not the only one."

and then satan comes to me and says, "hey autumn, hey autumn... you really think john is cool, don't you? well guess what? nobody thinks about you that way."

i read in the purpose-driven life that we shouldn't try to fight temptation when it comes into our minds- we should just divert our attention. and i don't know exactly what the bible says about that, but i think it's true because everytime i try to fight satan's voice in my head, it becomes louder and i just keep shouting back, and it never ends. but if i just think, "hey god let's talk" then satan is pushed to the side. i remember this summer jeremy said that you shouldn't ask yourself, "how close can i get to evil?" but rather "how close can i get to good?" it's all very smart, really...

but i'm off to ponder more and more and think how i can be better at letting people know that i love them... besides just saying "i love you." and off to ponder more about what things i should say to john- but not all online because i let my guard down online. i mean, when you're online, you aren't face to face with the person so you are more likely to "bear your soul" or something. but anyway...

yeah god is good.

in christ,
autumn

HM...
i have no idea what i'm going to type about so i'll just talk about things in general...

i'm doing a really crappy witnessing job. what do i say? when do i say it? why do i hold back? why am i pointing people to hell instead of STANDING IN THEIR WAY? i know it's satan, and i'm working for him. i can't tell you how much i am taken aback when i say that- that i am working for satan. i am not obeying god, i am just simply... indirectly serving satan through my disobedience to god. dahhhh autumn!

well i guess i now realized that i need to get my homework done NOW so i can get other things done, because i've been a stupid lazy stupid stupid dummy dumb dummy!

in christ,
autumn

OH YES...
i ended last entry hoping to follow up with more about all this doubt stuff- the next topic being science. i know we talked a little about this in a past bible study and a little bit last night.

since centuries ago in the european church, a lot of science has been seen as heresy- and, of course, people have been punished and persecuted for it. i can understand disagreeing with anti-christian science, but people NOW think you have to be apples or bananas, meaning they have to be one or the other. good news- that's not true! yay!

sometimes i just don't get it, how people are all like "yeah science is the devil!" i mean i used to think science was dinged-up in the head, but now i'm like... hmm... but that doesn't mean i agree with evolution and stuff, the big bang theory (except for the other big bang theory- "god said it and BANG it happened!"), paranormal experiences, dot dot dot, but i mean look at it. look around you- nature testifies god's power. and i am amazed in biology class, how god made us so complex. he didn't plop us down on the earth and say, "i'll make you simple." no fun! instead he put so much effort into it- so many intricate details. this is what always reminds me that i'm not ugly or anything that a self-conscious girl might say. i mean, if god made me, i must be hot to him.

i don't know. it's just so grand. and here comes a follow-up from the last entry... there's evidence. chris brought back a hardcopy of something from godandscience.org- i have to get the website from my notes.

okay let's see, God and science. i believe it's the introduction- it talks about the importance of the mind and testing your faith in christianity. check out the rest of the site- it's really cool and talks about a lot of controversial or popular questions that people tend to "ponder" in relation to christianity. i think i shall check it out now... and thank you to laura, because it reminded me to add the god and science thing, otherwise i might have forgotten. laura's journal is He is the love.

but for now i'm gonna go... love to all.

in christ,
autumn

don't leave this place
don't leave this place
we are scared that we'll be left here all alone
so we fall down on our face
for you are the sunlight in our darkness
you are the truth among our lying
you are the life within our graves
don't leave this place
holy spirit stay
holy spirit stay
take our pride and exchange it for our grace
take our pride - exchange it for your grace
take our will - exchange it for your way
don't leave this place

p.s. i'm on a robbie seay band fix- they are just... incredible. they played at camp two summer before last, and they were just amazing. not just their music- they wanted to hang out with the youth. they were very friendly, very godly, very kind, very goofy, very everything. if you are in some kind of youth at your church and you need someone to play at camps, more than ANYONE, i encourage the robbie seay band. their music is really mellow- it's awesome for quiet time. man i love these guys.


First of all, thanks for listening to our songs
We all just find you driving in your car
Wherever you are
Breathe out and breathe again
I know that life is hard but it's worth the breathing
Listen to me now
For love all around
Is waiting for you
Just to say

Here come better days
Here come better days
Better days in a better place and
Na na na
Na na na na

Secondly I'm all screwed up
So royally
I stumble my way here...
Grace has found me,
Shaken up my soul
Grace will follow wherever you go
So listen to me now
For grace, oh grace
Is calling for you
Just to say

Here come better days
Here come better days
Better days in a better place and
Na na na
Na na na na
Yeah
Na na na na
Na na na

... And the better days you bring
Better places found
Feasting at your table...
And I lift my glass to love that never gave up...

WWWWHOOOAAAAAA!!!!
last night was SO awesome at bible study. it was just five of us (oddly enough, i had a feeling that it was going to be a small group- maybe i should be a paraphysicist?). man i learned so much... so much that, though i have been using knowledge in my walk with god, i surely haven't displayed it. it feels like i'm just displaying spiritual things in this journal but not all the facts- facts like the ones i learned last night. facts like how i KNOW there's something about christianity that outrules islam, there's evidence and it's not just me saying "oh yeah there's just something different i feel about it..." and i know this, i know there's evidence, but i usually come here to share the more personal side of jesus christ. i KNOW i should display that, but love without knowledge is dead. it's just dumb love, just like my history conveyed somewhat in class- we were talking about islam and how the sufi were the more mystical muslims because they thought the quran was beyond them, too complex to understand. and mr. cox said, well that's kind of like christianity. and of course, me being the person i am with the holy spirit in me, i was gritting my teeth and had to keep my hand from flying in the air in objection. i mean, yes, we rely on this completely personal and loving god- but does god not tell us to love him with our heart, mind, soul, and strength? (matthew 22:37, mark 12:30, luke 10:27). i have to emphasize the fact that god is incredibly, unfathomably smart- if you take biology you will get my drift! some things he obviously made simple, and some things he obviously didn't.

and that's why people always attack people in debates or in perspectives and point of views- evidence. you see it everywhere, people say, "well what about all the other religions? a lot of THEM have one god too" and so on and so forth. there are answers to these questions. i mean obviously we have faith, but obviously we have tons of answers at our fingertips.

last night made me want to read more and more- to rent out barnes and noble and read everything about science and god, theology, all these answers, all these other religions where i KNOW christianity is right. not just because i have faith in it, but because there are FACTS. and i don't want to make this a prove-you-wrong seminar, but god has put it on my heart to not just "use faith as an excuse," as my history teacher kind of put it (in yet another analogy with another religion).

there is something different about christianity. the next few things i'm going to talk about are things we discussed at bible study (thanks to my notes and some of my memory- notes never fail).

HOW IS CHRISTIANITY DIFFERENT?
(1) The Christian God is the only God who asks us to question Him and His Word, asks us to test it, and asks us to seek truth.
(2) Any good that we do does not erase the bad that we do- we alone cannot achieve salvation (compare to Buddhism- Buddha thought he survived evil and the demons went away- that was salvation achieved by himself- and no, the demons obviously didn't stop talking to him).
(3) Christianity is like the law system- despite the good you do, you still broke a law. If you break one commandment you are breaking all of them (like let's say you drop a glass bottle- it broke once, so therefore it's broken. do you get what i'm saying?). But God came to erase that fact; he first promised Heaven to any who don't break the commandments. If that were still true, we would have been destined for Hell since age two. But God sent his son to eliminate that so that Heaven could be "only a Jesus Christ away"- Jesus came to earth to erase those sins for us so we could go to Heaven. He took our sins and made them for himself, basically took our pain and our Hell and made it his so we could have a relationship and life with God.
(4) The resurrection is an historical truth.

islam also came up, as i kind of mentioned earlier. yeah, there's a difference.

okay, so muhammad is their prophet, jesus is ours. what is the difference? muhammad saw his revelation in a cave, supposedly saw the angel gabriel who told him that there is one god. jesus was resurrected, jesus was a miracle worker. so what, right? dead wrong. where were the witnesses of muhammad's revelation? that's a big difference, if you ask me. if you ask anyone. people saw jesus walk, people saw jesus die. jesus wasn't alive after the crucifixion- if you need evidence of that, i HIGHLY encourage you to read the case for christ, by lee strobel. question that book all you want- it has all the facts.

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying muhammad was a liar- not at all. but he was in a cave, alone. god's word says that satan sometimes comes as an angel of light (2 corinthians 11:14).

danny was talking about this book he kind of read about this muslim who became a christian- how muhummad was actually an angry man. maybe not always, but he was angry nonetheless. here is another site about the differences.

violence. i know many muslims are non-violent, but if you look at muhammad, it is hard to get the thought out of your hand. yes, there is a time for war (click here for what the bible says about war- no, it's not something forbidden), but how right and good can a religion be if it encourages murder? when you kill somebody and you have that horrible gut feeling- that gut feeling is the holy spirit in you, telling you that something isn't right. all of us have it inside of us. nowadays they call it your conscience- your inner sense of right and wrong. that's the holy spirit, guys.

and yet another question is probably ringing in your mind- well, many times in history god told his people to go to war. here's a big excerpt from the website about that:

"Yes, the Bible has its share of violence as well, particularly in the Old Testament. For example, God instructs the Israelites coming out of Egypt to take over the land of Canaan and kill all of the inhabitants. However, there is a clear difference from Quranic violence.

The Bible makes it clear that the Canaanite society deserved it as it was thoroughly polluted by their wretchedly evil practices, including the horror of child sacrifice. (Deuteronomy 9:1-6, 12:29-31, 18:9-14, 1 Kings 14:24, 2 Chronicles 33:1-9, Ezra 9:11) Thus God used the Israelites to administer specific justice, just as he later used other societies to administer justice against the Israelites (book of Jeremiah).

Instances such as this in the Bible are each a particular limited circumstance in time, for a particular purpose established by God. But in the Quran, we encounter general commands to kill and destroy the enemies of Islam that are applicable for all times and places and people groups.

While there is indeed violence in the Bible, one thing is certain— Jesus had a non-violent message. While some people have betrayed the peaceful message of Jesus in history, the teachings of Jesus have a consistent tone of peace, service, love, and humility. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. He never told us to kill anyone, and he disdained violence. Just a few of the numerous biblical passages that could be cited are: Matthew 5:1-12, 5:43-44, 9:36, 19:30, 26:50-52, Mark 9:35, Luke 6:27-36, 9:54-55, 10:30-37, 22:49-51, 23:32-34, John 10:7-18, 13:1-17, Galatians 5:22-23, Philippians 2:6-8, 1 Thessalonians 5:15, and 1 Peter 3:8-9. We encourage you to read these moving passages now, and then consider what the world would be like if everyone practiced the teachings of Jesus.

Jesus warned, "The time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering a service to God" (John 16:2-4). While these words were spoken to his disciples, they have a powerful ring today.

There is nothing like the Christian concept of "love your enemies" or "turn your other cheek" (Luke 6:27-37) found in Islam. While Christianity says to love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 19:19), the Quran instructs its followers not to even take Christians or Jews as friends (Suras 3:118, 5:51, 64, 60:1-3)!

Another interesting point is that the Islamic concept of charity is different from the Christian concept. Muslims are required to give alms to the poor, but only to the Muslim poor. In this way, the Muslim's remaining wealth is purified. The biblical concept of charity is not limited to any group. In fact, Jesus used illustrations that encouraged helping those outside the faith (Luke 10:30-37).

Islam is a religion of power and glory. Muslims find it hard to believe that Christians could worship Jesus, given his lack of political power and apparent defeat by the authorities. (They fail to acknowledge that Jesus was the ultimate victor as he conquered even death.)"

what do we have that a lot of other religions don't have? knowledge (you thought i was going to say faith, right? hahaha).

oh yeah, i should've known. you're thinking about judaism too. same god, right? same god, yes. but god sent jesus, and then there was no reason for them to have to sacrifice their best lambs anymore- because jesus became the perfect lamb, the "last burnt offering" maybe you could say, except that now our lives should be our "burnt offerings" to god. so i guess, to god, jews are "stuck in the past" or "stuck in the old testament," to put it very bluntly. but from revelation 7:4-8, many say that the 144,000 refers to 144,000 jews, 12,000 from each of the twelve tribes. now i don't have all the information about this, but i'll post as soon as i find some (and i WON'T be lazy this time!). but what chris said at bible study- they have incredible passion and love, but not much knowledge. i'm not saying jews are a bunch of dummies- but knowledge of the truth. god put it out before everybody- that he sent his son as a manifestation of himself, that jesus is the way- no more animal sacrifices, for jesus is the lamb.

and i can't help but wonder how many of us are just spiritual christians and not "smart" christians, i guess you could say. i don't mean smart in the context of knowing everything about the bible. i'm saying smart as in a person who doesn't rely on just emotions. why be faithful on just knowing there's a god when you have all this evidence? christianity isn't blind faith! the answers are TWO INCHES THICK, in god's holy word, the bible! chris said that god doesn't reveal his truth to us in epiphanies; it's already been revealed. for gosh sakes, it's all written down! god just kinda reminds us- that's what our perception of revealing is. it's that god's like, "hey, here's the answer... and oh yeah, it's written down in my word, you stinker. it's not like you're the only one i'm telling this too!"

and on a tangent, going back to the #1 on the list of why christianity is different- that god asks us to question him. you're thinking, why in the WORLD does he want us to question him? doesn't that lead us away from him? aren't doubts dishonorable to him? BY NO MEANS! i'm going to let you in on something cool that i was reminded of last night- when you question him, all the answers lead to him! his word can't be disproven, no matter how hard you try. if you try to and think you've found a glitch, sorry dude, you're wrong. god wouldn't encourage you to question him if he knew you would be able to disprove him. he's all-mighty, all-powerful, and he's crazy-smart. believe me, he wants you, and he wouldn't encourage you to test his word if it would take you away from it. so by all means, ponder, my friends.

well i'm off to do some bible reading. last night just made me crave for god's word- to get away from the 100% emotional aspect. it made me realize i've been a dummy-christian lately, with school as my number one priority. without reading god's word, i'm confused.

please, if you have any questions, ask me. i can't guarantee that i can answer them all, but i can certainly bring them to god, his word, bible study, and/or my family in christ. they're smart people- they're wise. i'm tellin' ya.

an excitement for christ, an energy for christ, a love in christ, a craving for christ, and a long to share it all,
autumn

pray that i will be unafraid to share it.

Is there hope for You
To meet me here in solitude
In the stillness I can feel You here,
You're everywhere.

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

LA LA LA LA LA LE...
i included a link to the george washington prayer journal thing. here's an excerpt- it's a tuesday morning prayer:

O Lord our God, most mighty and merciful father, I thine unworthy creature and servant, do once more approach thy presence. Though not worthy to appear before thee, because of my natural corruptions, and the many sins and transgressions which I have committed against thy divine majesty; yet I beseech thee, for the sake of him in whom thou art well pleased, the Lord Jesus Christ, to admit me to render thee deserved thanks and praises for thy manifold mercies extended toward me, for the quiet rest & repose of the past night, for food, rainment, health, peace, liberty, and the hopes of a better life through the merits of thy dear son's bitter passion. And O kind father continue thy mercy and favor to me this day, and ever hereafter; purpose all my lawful undertakings; let me have all my directions from thy holy spirit; and success from thy bountiful hand. Let the bright beams of thy light so shine into my heart, and enlighten my mind in understanding thy blessed word, that I may be enabled to perform thy will in all things, and effectually resist all temptations of the world, the flesh and the devil. Preserve and defend our rulers in church & state. Bless the people of this land, be a father to the fatherless, a comforter to the comfortless, a deliverer to the captives, and a physician to the sick. Let thy blessings guide this day and forever through Jesus Christ in whose blessed form of prayer I conclude my weak petitions -- Our Father.

wow.

here's another site with the same stuff- the first site doesn't work on some of the links.

george washington

well that's a really quick entry, i just felt like including that because it's WAY cool. i mean he didn't write "dear jesus keep me in the presidency" or "dear jesus i don't know what to say because i don't care amen." i mean this is real stuff.

i'm just excited about god! can't put my finger on it- one of those types of things.

but for now i must read the chapter for bible study and contact sara so she knows that a bunch of people are coming to her house at 6:30!

love,
autumn

RANDOM.
in an attempt to rewrite the entry...

i hate it when the past comes back! past feelings and emotions, past thoughts, past memories- the bitter ones. it's been kind of happening to me lately- but i know this isn't the right place to talk specifically about it. as sara and i talked about, it's one of those things that, if you say it to other people, it gets "set in stone." for example, if you have the tiniest liking for someone and you tell someone about it, you start to hear them whisper in the halls, "look, there he is! talk to him! ask him if he wants to date you! blah blah blah! BLAHHHH!!" when you really didn't even like the person THAT much in the first place- maybe not even at all. and the person finds out after it's been overaggerated and a relationship/friendship is all screwed up. all because it's been exaggerated and overdramatized.

ay. teenage drama.

so i guess you can pretty much tell my dilemma- but don't think it's a crush. yeah, it's those hormones. i mean it's because of the fact that i'm female that i can be attracted to guys. and that's why it "brings me back"- i used to be all "ooo, there's a boy" and it just reminds me of how i was before i accepted christ. not necessarily that either, but just remembering how dependent i used to be on other people, blah blah blah, autumn you're rambling on and ON and ONNNN!

but anyway, it's the whole hormone deal. i mean, it's one thing to be physically attracted to someone. but it's completely different to act or think upon it. i'm definitely not even considering dating right now for many reasons. one, it would take my eyes off god. two, it would be too stressful and i would feel obligated to spend a lot of time with the person- balancing school work, god, church, all that crazy stuff. and three, i really don't even LIKE anyone like that right now. i don't like anyone enough and i don't really... okay, i'm just not considering it (that puts it straight, lol). it's cool though, because i'm not worrying about it. the only person i need to be in love with right now is jesus christ. and i smile just thinking about him right now, sitting up there saying, "autumn, i got this guy for you, and he's just wonderful! he loves me just like you do! i have it all planned out, i have it all figured out. don't worry about it, just trust me, it's in my hands- nobody in the universe is smarter than me, anyway." and then he grins, and you can see a cleverness in his lips partly because he is excited and happy and partly because he has something good up his sleeve, something great planned that i can't even imagine because HE has planned it and it HAS to be awesome.

and nothing is cooler than that. and when i can hear his words echo, i can't be more relieved or relaxed or free of worry- i mean, he has it in his hands. and the words just linger there for a little bit:

"... just trust me ..."

and that's all i want. a man who loves the lord, i godly man who is the reflection of jesus. nothing is more beautiful to me than that, and nothing is more awesome than the fact that god loves me so much that he's got it all planned out, even before i was born. he made something good for me.

god wants to romance me. he's my soul-mate, my friend, my confidante, my father... and there's nothing more i could ever need.

in christ,
autumn

p.s. this is the coolest song ever, please check it out...

Love is all around you now
So take a hold
Hidden in our words
It sometimes ain’t enough
Don’t suffocate day after day
It’s building up
Cause when you’re feeling weak
You know I’m strong enough

Just one more day
One more day

Oh, let the world crash
Love can take it
Oh, let the world come crashing down
Oh, let the world crash
Love can take it
Love can take a little
Love can give a little more

Love is indestructible
So take a hold
Sometimes hard to find
A reason good enough
I’ll stand beside you
Never leave through it all
And faith will bring a way
To the impossible

Just one more day
One more day

Oh, let the world crash
Love can take it
Oh, let the world come crashing down
Oh, let the world crash
Love can take it
Love can take a little
Love can give a little more

You can find me
You can find me
You can find me anywhere
Take a look over your shoulder
I’ll be standing there
Standing there

Love is all around you now
So take a hold
And faith will bring a way
To the impossible

Just one more day
(You can find me, You can find me)
One more day
(You can find me anywhere) (2x)

Let the world crash
Love can take it
Oh, let the world come crashing down
Oh, let the world crash
Love can take it
Love can take a little
Love can take a little
Love can take a little
Love can give a little more
A little more

Take a little more
Take a little more

CALM, BUT NOT FOR LONG!
calm for a short period of time because of the history test tomorrow. but it's always not as bad as it sounds, of course.

but tonight's wednesday... and we know what that means! CHURCH! yesssssssss (this is when you do the whole hunch-over-and-bring-up-your-knee-and-pump-your-fist deal).

i've never cried at heart's desire, like real crying, like body trembling kind of crying, until last week. and it's another of those things where you don't know exactly why- you can only generally say that you were overwhelmed. just with all this crazy stuff going on, all the worrying, the family problems and the school stress, worrying about people and which road they're heading down... and it makes me realize all the more that i need to spend time with god because of MANY things, some of the reasons being:
1) i will eventually reach a state of insanity.
2) god will be hurt.
3) i'll start following my own ways.
4) i will cave in and give up, failing god.
so obviously we can conclude that missing out with god will be crappy on everybody's part.

so i was listening to channel one today and just got upset, just hurt i guess, frustrated, angry, sad. it talked about the whole separation of church and state crap, how some people are trying to take out the ten commandments from public places. i just wanted to say something- i felt like crap for many reasons. let me try out the list again:
1) there is no such thing as separation of church and state.
CHECK THIS OUT (i'm suddenly very jubilant because i just found this AWWWEEESOMEEEEEEEE article online about it!).
2) even if there was separation of church and state, why is it bad to post up rules such as "don't kill" and "don't commit adultery" and "don't steal"? i mean, what's corrupting about that?

so let's put that internet article in a nutshell- our founding fathers were christians, so don't let anyone ever tell you they were athiests. that's crap. our founding fathers were christians and wanted america to have freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion. they based our country on jesus christ, and jefferson wrote the whole first ammendment thing because he didn't want religion to fall under control of the state.

didn't ever learn that from history, did you? i didn't either, and i'm so glad i learned about this at bible study forever ago. who ever is reading, agreeing or disagreeing, see the video "our godly heritage" hosted by charles barton. it goes into detail and i don't think it leaves ANYTHING out. this is real, i'm not a christian lying to convince the world that separation of church and state has gone wildly out of context and meaning.

sorry if i'm "preaching to the choir." it just upsets me so much... people just trying to eliminate god from everywhere possible. a lot of people get in more trouble for speaking the name of god than cursing or swearing- but it's not my place to try and change everything because i can't. it just hurts to see all the stuff that's happening around us- girls showing off the physical, teenagers going out to parties and sleeping with eachother, people lying to us about truth. it's becoming a natural thing and even i'm getting used to some of the things people say, despite the fact that it blows me away (hey that rhymes). but ANYWAYYY (hey that rhymes too- d'oh!)... i mean- "onto other things"!

have i ever said that i have the best friends in the world? i do, i do. i learn so much from them everyday.

check out george washington.

well, time to eat, i'll update later... sorry if i was preachy today. that's how my upset feelings come out, i get all wah wah wah.

love,
autumn