...still as pathetic as ever...
i feel so stupid, sitting here pretty much disappointed as fuck. was i wrong to have expectations that lasted longer than 2 hours? was it wrong of me to imagine being held and maybe even kissed? jeez, i feel so stupid. and even stupider than that i almost feel like crying, not over a boy, not over the kiss that i didnt get, but over my own patheticness. since march, march, as in 4 months ago, ive been looking forward to this day, anticipating what it might bring, and all it brought me was a free piece of pizza, a free diet coke, a sweet guy who all i wanted to do was be held by, and the same pathetic girl who walked through that door today at 5 o'clock. i thought it was pretty much spelled out for me, i thought that his agenda was the same as mine, but i guess it really wasnt. it started out like this: i was so nervous i was shaking and i walked into the pizza place, they werent there so i walked outside to call them, and they saw me, called my name, gave a hug to jeremy and josh (uh hes so cute :)) and we went into the pizza place, the convo was flowing between everyone, and josh and i talked and talked and talked ect. so then we leave and we take an uneventful trip to the ice cream place next door, and began to walk home, where the conversations kept flowing still, and i was told to call my mom because "the plan for the night werent clear". two hours. thats it. and as stupid as this may sound, i honestly did, and stupidly enough still do really like him. he IS the model of the type of guy i futiley search for. we all know im picky with my guys because i look for ones that are like me, and as kira would say: theres two of me, and my other me was josh. theres so few guys like him, so few, and i feel so stupid for liking the guys i do. so far away, he lives so fucking far. and he didnt kiss me. two hours, of friendly conversation....was it wrong of me to want something more?
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continuing this a few tissues, an hour, and a fone call with jenna later....
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i actually cried over this whole ordeal, not because of a boy or a sucky day by any means, but because im frustrated with myself. i place such a burden on myself and my heart all because of the boys i like. and here we go again, that damn liquid emotion that burns my eyes that comes with the thought of the people i choose to like. why do i even torture myself with the idea of something that i cant have? theres so few of the person that i want, and every time i come across someone who i connect with, its unrealistic. i want someone whos genuinely real, i want something that is real...but i cant, it just cant happen, its "unrealistic". i want someone who has the ability to be mature, not even someone who is all the time, just someone who can be when the time comes. through all the people ive liked and loved in the past, ive learned so much about myself. i never knew how sensitive and how in touch with my feelings i am, and how much i have this need to show it. and i find that i need to have someone whos secure enough with their emotions to be able to talk to me about whats going on inside, i need someone whos secure enough to tell me that they think im amazing or beautiful, and most importantly, someone who will tell me how they feel about me with no regrets, someone who will tell me they love me when they feel it. i want someone who will be understanding of my actions and let me explain why i do things that i do, someone who will be willing enough to listen before they judge me. im not normally one to hate stuff about myself, in fact those that know me know me as a secure, person with a lot of self respect, but this, this desire for someone is one of my hugest flaws, one of the things that i do actually hate about myself. it makes me miserable, because it doesnt exist. it makes me sad to know the one thing that i want more than anything in this world is something that ive been told many a time that "i simply cannot have". i shouldve listened to kira, i go for the wrong guys, but i refuse. as much as i hate it, i refuse to change....its who i am. i dont even know where i was going with this......

"...and i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now, backbeat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out, i'm sure you've heard it all before but you've never really had a doubt, and i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now, and all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding, there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how, because baby, you're gunna be the one that saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall..."
-oasis


with a heart broken by no one but myself--danielle morgan

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