ill be just fine, pretending im not, im far from lonely and its all that ive got.......
god, how i wish that were true. charlie, jimmy. jimmy, charlie. it never seems to end. before i really knew charlie, i decided that i liked him and i told him that i did. that was by far one of the stupider things ive done within the past few months. over the part few nights of sitting in my bed in a pitch black room in a state of contemplation, i've come to the conclusion that at this point in my life, my heart is at one of the most vulnerable states it has ever been in. before i went into the city last friday, i was absolutely determined to find soemone out of my selection of nicks friends, and out of this determination, as much as i hate to admit it, came this tide of desperation. jimmy was the only one out of nicks friends that i had met before, and all of the rest of them i was getting to know as the weeks led up to my visit to the city. i think that the fact that i didnt know charlie was tempting to me. the curiosity of getting to know him drew me in, and once nick convinced me that he was the one i was going to fall for, and explained to me that he was the chillest kid ever, i convinced myself that he was 'the one', and stupidly, letting my vulnerable heart lead the way, to some degreee, came out and told charlie that he was the one i wanted. what i didnt really know though, and came to learn, was that charlies chillness was the one thing that makes me think we're not for eachother. in talking to one of his good friends, i realized yet another thing that i look for subconciously in a guy. passion. while charlie is very very "chill", hes almost so chill that he shows no emotion at all. when i talk to him, i feel like i have nothing to say, because the reactions i get are "Oh" or "cool" or "yeah". it makes me feel like hes indifferent, and while i liked laid back people, i need someone who believes strongly about certain things, even if i dont agree with them. i do find, however, that i know someone who is one of the most passionate people, and interestingly enough, is passionate about the same things i am.


the most important thing i learned though, is that sometimes what youre looking for is right in front of your face, and sometimes, you just need to make a few mistakes before you realize what you could be passing up. i was looking through my past woohus before and i came across the one i wrote after my josh brower fiasco. in it i described my soul mate, someone i know that i cant look for because ill be cheating myself if im looking for someone that i wont find for a while, but i did realize that i found someone who posseses almost every one of the qualities i listed in that post, for this particular point in my life. last weekend, while i was babysitting, i was sitting online talking to jimmy, and all of a sudden, he just says: "i know this is awkward, but i know i i can tell you anything, and i have to let you know, so here it goes:" and he went on to tell me that he thinks im great and that he really really likes me. aside from the part where he really really likes me, he said that he felt that he could tell me anything. that made me smile so big that i looked like i slept with a hanger in my mouth the night before. i need that. i need to find someone that i can talk to for hours on end about the stupidest little nothings, or the hugest problems in our lives that are hard to share with people- and i found a certain level of comfort with jimmy that i havent found with someone in a really long time. i didnt have it with morgan and i most certainly didnt have it with mike or aaron. but jimmy will tell me how he feels about me, and to me that says something.


i know what i want. i know what i need to do, but because im so vulnerable, i told charlie last week that i liked him. and now, i cant take it back just like that. im struggling with where i need to go from here. do i do what makes me happy? or do i keep my word and give charlie a chance? why do i dig these endless holes of unkept promises and lies to make myself feel better? ive come to realize that i do this because i use these unfair tactics to create this surreal feeling of love that ive been lacking and searching for....but im getting sick of pretending. i want the real deal. but thats not even the issue anymore, because i have the chance to get it- the question is: how?

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