buttercupistiny
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2008 3 May :: 9.29pm
To escape my harsh reality, I seek solace in my dreams.
But even there you haunt me, and no one hears my screams.
You satiate yourself upon my fear and pain, my tears fall in silent streams,
As I search your eyes for mercy, a cold shine is all that gleams.
If written down on paper, our story would take reams,
My heart is being ripped to shreds, regret tearing at the seams.
I wish I could find it in me to write something happy for once that was as good as the depressing stuff I usually write.
frustration.
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buttercupistiny
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2008 3 May :: 1.19pm
I need a neosporin bandaid. seriously. like a big one. big enough to make my life better. arghhhhhh.
If I have to talk to one more person with a degree in psychobabble about my grades, I'm going to lose it.
20 school days left.
48 days till Justin.
now that's something to look forward to.
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buttercupistiny
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2008 30 April :: 7.36pm
argh. so yesterday mayra didn't show up. and today dan didn't. so miller is pissed off at me. lovely. just what I wanted.
I actually made the bus this morning :]
and no nagging grandmother to make life difficult this week. score!
I love her dearly, but living in a tri-generational household is not what it's cracked up to be.
22 days of school? 51 days till Justin :D
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buttercupistiny
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2008 29 April :: 10.45pm
today pretty much sucked.
end of story.
tomorrow is another day.
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buttercupistiny
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2008 28 April :: 9.04pm
it's gonna be a long summer. at least it's finally dipped below 80.
blahhhh. the desert wasn't meant to live in.
doesn't hurt to wear my retainers anymore, well at least it's just a dull pain now.
finish shooting tomorrow. thank the living god.
I'm a little stress bucket honestly.
and I can't fake it
the way I could before
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buttercupistiny
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2008 27 April :: 10.04pm
I'm sick and tired of being strong. I just want to collapse and cry. Cry until there are no tears left and my breath comes in rattling gasps. Until my body is so wracked by sobs that I can't even think straight.
"It'll be okay"
No. it. fucking. won't. It wasn't okay then, it's not okay now, and it'll never be okay
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buttercupistiny
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2008 26 April :: 9.56pm
I was thinking today about the accident. What if I hadn't stood up, What if I had taken the wheel like I told Stephie I was going to, What if, What if, What if.
My scars hurt. My heart aches. If it wasn't for Justin, I don't think my what iffing would have stopped.
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buttercupistiny
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2008 26 April :: 8.22pm
And then there are nights like tonight. When we talk, and I can forget the distance, and lose myself in his voice. when what he sounds like means just as much as the words he's saying. and for a few seconds nothing else matters. Because he's there. and when he's there, it's okay to be vulnerable. even if I don't like it all that much.
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buttercupistiny
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2008 25 April :: 10.43pm
So, Johnny helped me set up during lunch. Even though he's not on my crew and most of the people on my crew are jerks to him. So we had an AMAZING shoot, and we'll finish striking and resetting for outside shots on monday.
band practice was canceled, which bummed me out, 'cause the baby just got home and I wanted to play with it again, considering the last time I had the chance to was in January.
Fluffy and Moo are finally home :] upside to finishing the inside shots. Strike indoor set, bring stuffed animals, pillows, and blankies home. my bed is a lot comfier now that its normal inhabitants are here.
David was amazing and went and got fruit loops at Ralph's during lunch. 'cause Vanity forgot.
2332.2 miles. From my front door to his. on nights like tonight, they seem to stretch on forever. I didn't get to talk to him tonight. which probably means I'm gonna be restless. thank god it's friday night, and not a school night.
It hurts to wear my retainers. It's been too long since I wore them. I'm lame. but you do what you gotta do. even if it means sticking metal and plastic willingly into your mouth.
tell me I'm not dreaming, tell me dreams come true
tell me this is happening 'cause I believe in you
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buttercupistiny
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2008 24 April :: 7.00pm
Physical Therapy. didn't go nearly as well as I would have hoped. but oh well.
it was brace day :\
tomorrow we reshoot. excitement? not really.
frustration? oh yeah.
wanna be impulsive, reckless
and lose myself in your kiss
I take hearing those three syllables for granted, until I don't get to hear them before I go to bed. I forget how centered they make me feel. I love how when they're said on the phone, they calm me, but when they're whispered in my ear when I'm in his arms, I melt. I'm a strange little person, and yet he tolerates my eccentricities.
When nobody understands
you come and hold my hand
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buttercupistiny
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2008 21 April :: 9.53pm
Why think about the painful memories when I can focus on the new happy ones I'm gonna make this summer. we'll see how long this mindset lasts.
hopefully this'll get me through the next 60 days.
It's got to.
:\
I miss him. I'm glad to be blessed with a vivid imagination.
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buttercupistiny
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2008 21 April :: 3.42pm
Holy Guacamole Moment of Yesterday:
Uncle Matt, Aunt Bonnie, Aunt Renee, Aunt Jewel, Uncle Doug...
Not actually relatives, but my parents' friends from college.
Uncle Jacob. I hope he's okay with that.
OMG.
and then what friends I make. eeeeeeeeeeeek.
Today's? well, today's hasn't happened yet. but it shall.
And of course, what good is a day if I don't argue with my parents?
for once, I'd love to be treated like a 19 year old. Rather than an elementary school kid or a puppy. that'd be really nice. but it also isn't gonna happen. At least not while I'm under their roof. so four more months of this BS, one of which is being spent in Ohio with people who acknowledge the fact that I was born in 1988, not 1998. :]
60 days, and then 2 awesome weeks.
I'm excited.
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buttercupistiny
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2008 20 April :: 4.18pm
Yesterday was spent with my mom, sorting Chem work. yucky.
but at least it's ready for turn in now.
And even though I didn't get to talk to him, Justin posted on here, so my curiosity was satisfied.
Two months from now, I get to be in his arms again, and that definitely sounds very very attractive at the moment. So I need to get my little butt in gear and finish off the year strong so I can, in fact, graduate.
My brain is slowly but surely frying. thinking straight? forget that. Who needs psychotropic drugs when you've got three generations under one roof?
Oh, and I just realized that in just 4 months, I'll have been paralyzed for three years. holy crap.
quote of the day: my mommy to her friend Matt Buck:
"Matt, remember the baby Liam and I had just after your accident? She's going to college." hahahahahaha. yesh. I <3 my Uncle Matt. he's like the most amazing man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Even if he can't always remember who I am :\
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buttercupistiny
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2008 17 April :: 3.57pm
I need to find something to do when Justin has game night. darn 3 hour time difference.
I'll figure out something.
Today was a good day.
those are few and far between...
...well at least it was.
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buttercupistiny
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2008 15 April :: 8.27pm
So, maybe I'll leave the poem as is. at least for now.
Shooting starts tomorrow. excitement.
:D
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buttercupistiny
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2008 14 April :: 5.44pm
The darkness of night, a sweet embrace,
Silence and stillness mark the place.
Flame flickering in the tallow,
My breathing ragged, thin and shallow.
The day's troubles are written in gossamer thread,
Laid to rest in memory as I lie in bed.
The threads woven tonight form an intricate lace,
along the edge of a quilt I cannot face.
A tapestry woven of pain and tears,
for just one night I set aside my fears.
For tonight you are with me, to steady my hand,
As it caresses the folds I cannot stand.
The first pieces I touch cause my breath to catch,
They tell of shame, and a door with a latch.
Dreadnought coarse against my skin,
Dredging up tears from deep within.
Over grosgrain and satin my fingers fly,
The fabric as slick as the oily lie.
Don't stir up trouble, keep quiet 'bout this,
I'll love you forever, sealed with a kiss.
Calico and Jersey help hide the shame,
Fabrics of innocence if only in name.
Crisp and clean, their fibers soft,
A simpler time when dreams were aloft.
Velvet and Taffeta, my very first dance,
Just me and my daddy, pain had no chance.
Rosettes and ribbon tied in a bow,
I kept my secret, and he didn't know.
Denim and Fleece, familiar and safe,
followed closely by burlap which causes my fingers to chafe.
These memories hidden and carefully guarded,
are leaving me restless, hurt and bombarded.
ehh. not my best. but it's a start. in case you hadn't noticed, it's time for us to talk...
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