:: 2009 24 February :: 12.57 am

Dear Justin,
Tonight is hard. My head hurts, my back aches, my stomach has been cramping all day, my legs are sore, and my shoulders and neck are so tense I can hardly move. I didn't want to cry tonight. my tears sting and itch, burning humiliating rivulets down my cheeks. Sleep is both so close and so out of reach. I press myself against the wall, pulling the covers as close as I can, heating pad resting on my stomach, a last ditch attempt to calm the cramping. I turn out the light, and switch iTunes to my nocturnal playlist. Tonight every song reminds me of you, there is no escape from how completely you have permeated my world. I hear your voice, feel your hands caress my shoulders, settling on my waist. I feel your stomach rise and fall against my back. your heartbeat the most comforting sound I know. your breath, warm as it blows past my ear and neck. nestled against your chest I am safe. I feel your leg on my hip, at last my confinement is complete and sleep can ensue. Reality interrupts. I realize you aren't here, and won't be for another nine months.It will be another four months until I see you again. I wonder how you're sleeping. I wonder if we'll ever get this marriage off the ground. I miss you.

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:: 2009 18 February :: 12.41 pm

not journaling makes life miserable. it's been months since I last wrote anything. This isn't good for my life. Time to go back...

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:: 2008 21 October :: 11.33 pm

Sheesh
I haven't posted in ages. I'll get back in to the swing of things soon. at least I hope.

I'm starting to get truly scared. I remember the moment they declared George W. Bush was re-elected. vividly. It's one of the only memories I have from first semester that year. I remember how petrified I was that the adults had let this happen. I remember how helpless I felt. This year, I'm an adult. I've sent in my ballot. Now I sit back and wait with a pit in my stomach. They can't honestly believe that McCain isn't more of the same, can they?

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:: 2008 17 September :: 5.52 pm

I'm actually kinda scared. It's gonna be fun finally being able to write again...

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:: 2008 14 September :: 11.18 pm

She can treat me like an adult all night, and right before she goes to bed she reverts to treating me like I'm five. Six more days of this crap, and then I'm out of this nut house, and off to my own :]

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:: 2008 28 August :: 2.07 am

It's way past my bedtime, and yet, I cannot sleep. I seriously dislike the ramifications this will have tomorrow -.-'

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:: 2008 21 August :: 11.54 pm

I can't sleep on any semblance of a normal schedule. damn thyroid regulation.

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:: 2008 6 August :: 4.07 pm

I catch myself in the mirror and wonder when that happened.

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:: 2008 6 August :: 10.47 am

Deep Breath
getting ready for college is exhausting.

Buuuuuut I got my swimsuit yesterday, which was good. Mostly because I don't have to think about it now.

oh! and my grandma got me COOKIE SHEEETS! THREE OF EM! EXCITEMENT TO THE MAX!!!

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:: 2008 31 July :: 11.32 am

I painted my foot yesterday. Not on purpose. I fell on it. with a loaded brush. Shannon fails at painting baseboards sometimes. But I did a marvelous job according to dad. But now I'm in my closet. dealing with the lovely mess. Yay.

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:: 2008 29 July :: 5.28 pm

Too Long.
That phrase resonates within me.
Too long.
since I danced
since I sang
since I cared
since I felt safe
since I felt alive
since I saw him smile
since I made him laugh
Too long

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:: 2008 14 July :: 11.14 pm

I can't sleep. I miss you.

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:: 2008 10 July :: 3.42 am

The Past Three Weeks Have Been Amazing.

But I miss you. and I can't sleep. and I just want to fall asleep in your arms again, and pretend that everything is gonna be okay.

grrr

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:: 2008 16 June :: 10.20 pm

at this time every night I wind up whimpering that I miss you. totally random. but next week you'll be there, and I won't miss you. :]

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:: 2008 15 June :: 12.07 am

YaYa Retreat was awesome. but par for the course, my mom ruined my retreat high within five seconds of me coming in the front door. I really hate it when she does that and then blames the following disagreement on me. The insanity of Justin's family dynamic will be a welcome change of pace.

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