New Years
New Years is my favorite holiday. Basically always has been. It's just fun. But not this time. This time it sucked. JD had a bunch of people over. I was excited because they were all people we both got along with. None of his friends that I feel uncomfortable around were gonna' be there. Except they were. Tyler and Lyndsey showed up. It's not that I really don't like them, though they aren't my favorite people,it's just that I don't feel like I can completely be myself around them. Anyway, when I got there JD wasn't even there. He went with Caleb, Tyler, and Lyndsey somewhere. Then when he got home he saw Josh, who'd also just arrived, and gave him a "man hug". He didn't even acknowledge me. I was pissed. I said something and he just looked down at me with no emotion whatsoever and grabbed my hand for, literally, 2 seconds. I could've killed him! That's how it went basically all night. He either ignored me completely or said maybe two words, all unkind. I was going to break up with him. That was the last straw, everybody noticed how he was treating me. They asked me what was up, and I didn't know. No one treats me like that, especially not in front of everyone, and gets away with it. So Matt, Ashley, Tyler and Lyndsey all left at around 11:45. Then JD started being slightly more normal. (though not completely.) When the ball dropped we kissed, obviously, and everything seemed to be getting better. It stayed better until Josh left. Then Caleb was my only companion. We sat at the bar drinking and talking (no not that kind of drinking... well he was... but whatever.) We talked about everything. JD was just ignoring everyone but Greg while they played video games. My anger with him only increased the rest of the night. Finally he decided to go to bed. (We both slept in his bed.) So I told him we needed to talk. He said "no", and I told him I didn't really need his opinion since like it or not it was happening. So I told him everything he'd done wrong... all he did to piss me off completely. Then I told him I was sick of it. And finally, when he wouldn't stop being stupid about it, I told him to just go hang out with Greg again because I didn't care anymore. He told me he wanted to go to bed. I said, "okay" and just let him lay down. He tried to get me to face him by rubbing my back... but I didn't. I was too mad. He just turned over and said, "fine, goodnight." All I said was congratulations. He asked me why, and I told him that he's officially pushed me away. Then we just layed there, something was said, but I can't remember what. All I know is that I turned around and told him to look at me. He wouldn't, so I put my arm over him and he grabbed my hand. He held on tightly and kissed it. That's when he started crying. He said he was sorry, he said it 3 times. I just took my hand back... I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I didn't know what to do, he was such a jerk to me... but he was sorry. I love him, and I knew that I couldn't just leave him. Especially not like that. He kept crying, he said he didn't deserve me. That all I did was love him and care about him even though he was a jerk. He told me he was a bad person and didn't deserve such a good life. I asked him why he'd acted the way he had. He told me that he'd, for some unknown reason, thought he wouldn't care if I left him. He didn't want me to, but he wouldn't care if I did. But then when I had almost done just that a few minutes prior, he'd realized he was wrong. He said he felt terrible. He said that the only reason he'd acted so stupid lately is because he didn't know how to react to someone really loving him... he said he was so used to being used and being angry with his girlfriend that he just did it. Almost like habit. He said I meant the world to him and that he never ever wanted me to leave him. It was insane. I fell for it. I hope it wasn't just a scheme to get me to say. I really want him to have meant it.

Anyway, today he wasn't so good. Caleb wouldn't just leave his house tonight, so now I don't get to see JD. Not that he cares too much. I told him I think we should take a break, he asked me if that was what I really wanted. I told him no, because it's not, but that I thought we may need it. I told him the official decision tomorrow when I see him. I was crying, he asked if I'd be okay, and I told him no. He said he loved me, more than anything in the world, he said he really did. I told him the same. Then we said good-bye. He said he'd call me back tonight though... which is good. I think. I just don't know anymore. This sucks.

So yea, fun stuff. I'm done now. Chao loves.

-Jay-

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