so my body just aches and its not a good ache anymore unless good is the equivalent of horrid and can barely walk. i do not want to go to softball tonight. well i dont want to do lunges. gah. i cant wait to see pj though. i would like to go to the student staff basketball game and I am hoping that he will go with me. im also supposed to tan tonight but i think i can do that tomorrow and then again on saturday before work. last night i tried playing first again. it was fun only i was trying to prove myself you know because well ill just feel better about the whole thing if I think that i am given a chance but of course he paid no attention to me only watched alice and every throw to alice was perfect while the ones that came to me were always at my feet and to the right side. they were crap throws frankly said. i guess maybe i will just have to hang out in the outfield with mary but what can you do. i want to play and im all set for the season i just cant imagine another year as miserable as last. i feel so outside of my team like i just dont belong. that 1st base thing had me feeling really isolated. honestly i just didnt care anymore after that. then jasmin and jessica and I talk about lots of softball stuff and jessica says she wont make the team because reed dosent like her and unfortunately i believe that she is right. I like her. I like Jasmin. I like kara, larissa and sarah too but around jessica, trisha, and jasmin I can be myself and i dont feel stupid and out of place. with everyone else I do. maybe thats why i dont like my team so much. whose to say really. once again though the main issue is that even after the second day of practice im already frustrated because here I am busting ass to prove myself against alice, who i started in front of at first for three year, and nothing is being accomplished. like no one cares what i want at all or if Im happy or anything at all. I could not be there and it wouldnt matter . the team would be exactly the same only there wouldnt be smart ass comments all the time. its funny cuz as much as I feel not part of the team I wont give it up because i just love it that much.
its crazy because i listen to joslyn talk about how she envies my family, which i find flattering, at the same time I envy people whose parents have roots here, who get to achieve their goals because of their last name. and honestly it makes me cry. If I thought that alice was better than me I could accept that. if kim were ahead of me at first that would be okay because she IS better than I am at that position, but I didnt start in front of Alice for three years because she was better than me. Im sorry that i complain so much but its so frustrating and humiliating, and it hurts so much. when im a coach I will NEVER do that. I will never make my players feel like shit, but since it isnt just the coach then I cant feel angry towards him can I? I like mr.reed I really do but at this point the anguish of the whole situation is just eating me alive. god. i have to stop. now. thanks for listening although im sure it was just skimmed and no one really cares. thanks loves

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