Well this weekend was boring as hell and there is still that gay stillness. I finished another song and burned it first chance i got it was cool. Im still not sure what i'm doin i have a few crushes wich is good but i'm not ready for another g/f for a while wich is ok because none of them like me back that i know of, i wish everyone that likes me would just tell me. I just have a curiosity disorder so i have to know stuff. I think i complain to much who else thinks i do? Oh well anywho we had choir presentation it was meh a bunch of people said they liked it and i did a good job but i think i sucked, its ok though it was cool we were shootin spit wads at each other while we were up there so i had fun. I'm still not sure what i really am whether or if i even fall under a catagory if anyone even has some sort of clue that would be great if you would tell me because me and corey have been tryin to figure it out for a while. Well theres only 5 more days of school until christmas wich i'm not really lookin forward to because in my imediate family i'm kinda the black sheep wich is ok i don;t mind we just don't usually get along. Don't get me wrong i love my parents they are just extra strict and we really have nothin in common and argue alot thats probably why i don't let them know anything about me. Anyways why is it so many people tell me to get haircut i'm not gonna but who else thinks i should shave it off? oh well i'm gonna go i love you all
ben

things you may not know about me
Well stacey said she wanted other people to do this so i figured i would.

-i'm a christian and i go to church every sunday
-i don't hate anyone
-when someone doesn't like me or trust me it really bothers me
-i like fire
-i like anykind of weoponry blades, guns, and explotions but i hate killing
-it takes me hours to fall asleep and even if i do at all then i wake up alot
-my faverite colors are black white and blue
-i'm color blind
-it takes alot to piss me of but once i do get pissed i start shaking and i get really strong
-i write poetry, music, and books
-i want everyone to be happy
-i like being in the dark
-i think water is really freakin cool
-i like to watch sunsets and petty much any natural cenery
-i can't sing worth crap and i'm in chior
-if i like a girl i usually don't tell them because i have little confidence in myself when it comes to women
-i'm always worryed about everyone
-i usually trust everyone
-i don't like being around my imediate family
-i don't eat as much as i look like i do
-i'm pretty sure that no one cares about any of this
-i don't like rap
-i don't like fighting or hurting people
-i like making people happy and helping people
-i'm not interested in sex
-i like cartoons
-i like music
-i'm a complete moron and i need things explained to me most of the time
-if i hade a dime for every bad idea i've had i would be so rich i wouldn't be wipen my ass with hundred dollar bills i would be wipen my ass with banks
-everytime i count the celing tiles in biology i get a different number
-the number 79 bugs me for some reason
-i've never been beat up and i want to know what its like
-i don't like mondays
-i "players and pimps" are an embaresment to mankind
-i think women have it harder than men in life
-no i'm not gay
-i'm pretty sure that everyones stopped reading by now
-i like school but not class
-i have a horrible memory
-i like animals
-my idol is superman because i wan't to help people and i want to be strong
-i usually like good girls and girls that are described as punk or gothic even if there not
-i'm not sure what i am or if i fall under any catagory at all
-i'm done now and if anyone actually red all of this you get a gold star*

life
Yep today for the first time ever i wore tights, very uncomfterble they put to much presure on manland. Everythings still got that same stillness that i can't shake so all i can do is act as normal as possible. Well i still have nothin to talk about so i'm done love you buhbye

life
Haven't written in here in a while, not much to talk about. Today was ok i got sick this morning but i felt better after throwin up. I got to sleep alot and i had some time to do a little more writing. And to stacey you still owe me a rematch. love you all
ben

life
Well not much goin on its 11:40pm saturday night and noones online so either everyone went to bed or everyone has something better to do. Everythings still the same that horribley gay stillness. Don't really have much to say so i guess thats all.
love you all
ben

life
All my emotions and feelings are whirling around me its crazy, the only ones that are standing still are love the love i feel for everyone around me that makes me want to protect and take care of them, and pain the same pain that i have felt for the past 2 years the same pain that grows everyday that i hide in order to make people laugh. Its all worth it though as long as i'm helping someone. I've got all these wierd thoughts runnin threw my head i don't even know what it means i'm just trying to piece it all together. I'm lucky i have the friends i do they have already proven to me how much they care. Well i'm gettin pretty tired so i'm just gonna go love you all ben

So am i still waiting, for this world to stop hating. Can't find good reason, can't find hope to believe in- sum 41

life
Well i'm home from our first game of the year
Cedar Springs-14
Rockford-1
but i'm still pretty rusty though. After the game i pretty much just put on my head phones and sat and thought for a long time, after a while i forgot what i was thinkin about and started over it happend three times stupid end of period buzzers are too loud. not much to really say i love all of you and i'll talk to you later.
ben

I could die for you. whatcha wanna do. OH this life i choose.-red hot chili peppers

life
Well lifes goin on, i made 2 new friends today one was Devan and the other i have no idea what her name is but she was in my choire class but not anymore. Friends are the pillars of life without them everything collapses. I love my friends very much and thought i want to make everyone happy i want to make them happy more than anything. I owe them all so much and i haven't really done much yet but i will figure out something to do to atl east show them how much i love them and want to help them, but i will never be able to equal all they have done for me. "Well thats all i have to say about that"- forest gump
peace

"I'm here without you baby, but ur still on my lonely mind...i think about u baby, and i dream about u all the time"-three doors down

quizes
I got bored and took more quizes this one was called the ultimate personality quiz.

Protector
You are the rock, the keystone of your friends and family. They look to you for support and leadership. You don't push for devotion or attention, but when the situation is dire even idols and exhibitionists will turn to you. You are the trusted, the loved. You have the capacity to love more deeply than any other type, and are farely devoted to friends and lovers. Highly idealistic you would sacrafice everything for a person or because you believe in something. But you trust so deeply and compassionately that a betrayal could shatter you. Jealousy is your downfall and sometimes you need to give people more space and not become so enamored. Be careful who you place your trust in for a protectors broken heart will never fully heal. The world needs more of you but you are few. And sometimes seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

This is what feeling do you represent

You represent... kindness. You're a very gentle, kind, and caring individual. You truely care about people and are generally well-liked. Though sometimes you may be perceived as weak, you truely have a strong heart and a good desire to help others.

This one was how evil are you

You're mostly a good person. You're good most of the time, but you know how to be bad.

This is what is your deepest secret

YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!!

This is what element are you

Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a good communicator. Incredibably loving and loyal when your trust is gained and you are fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river but nobody truly knows you.

Well i'm done i'm pretty sure these are bogus and noone really cares anyways.

life
Well life is still trudging along as usual. Don't have much to say, well i do but talking about it irritates someone so i'll just not. soi guess i'm done i love you all.
ben

Yep life is still hell today got online, talked on the phone, went to the store, worked out till i passed out when i came to hide in my closet for a while, got back online and listened to music, got off packed, got back on. I dunno i thought i was foolin people at school but people still noticed the difference, only the ones who actually care about me though to everyone else i'm fine. Over the past couple years i've gotten pretty good at surpressing pain till i was alone so i can act some what normal but i have never had this hard of a time with it. I saw that she liked someone else and hope it works out for her i really do she deserves to be happy. I still wish i had kept my promise to myself i wouldn't be in this mess, i can't seem to detatch myself from my emotions like some people. Shes still on my mind all the time i don't know what to do about that i know she will be for a long time i'm still worried about all of my friends, i tried this thing that corey showed me and when you do it you draw or write somethin thats in your subconsious i didn't keep doing it because i stoped and looked at it and it was an M and an E i knew i should have known thats what it would be how could it be anything else shes still in my dreams. I thought it would start dying down after a while but it didn't the only time i feel anybetter is when i'm with my friends. Corey and cherie especially they use two very different methods. Corey could make me laugh even no how much emotional or physical pain i'm in and cherie just has this way about her that just comforts me. Don't get me wrong all of my friends do help me out but i just talk to these two more. I love you all very much and i always will.

Well i don't much time cuz me gay brother is yellin at me so all i have to say is life sux happy holidays love you all
ben

life
Today i figured out either internet tests are bogus or i'm alot like cherie. Yep i don't really have much to say, i love my friends very much, happy thanksgiving to all of you.
ben

life
Well i'm taking more online quizes and this one was whats your element.

Your element is Air. You are an artistic person with a unique sense of style. You are intelligent; although prone to wonder in thought which, prevents you from paying full attention to most things, constantly active and most likely like to sing. Constantly moving the air is a force of nature. One moment you can be a breeze the next a tornado.

This one was kindness

You represent... kindness. You're a very gentle, kind, and caring individual. You truely care about people and are generally well-liked. Though sometimes you may be perceived as weak, you truely have a strong heart and a good desire to help others.

I can't find any more good ones right now so yeah i guess thats all i have to say about that.
love ben