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jordanmackenzie7

:: 2011 13 December :: 8.58am

I love waking up in the morning to the smell of baby shit...
Ya know, a lot has changed for me over the course of the last year and half or so. Not that that isn't the case at any given point in our lives, but even more so in the past year and a half for me. I finally became a person I like looking in the mirror at. And that's saying something, considering the majority of the time when I look in the mirror I see baggy eyes, unplucked eyebrows, and pasty skin. When I look down at my naked body all I see is my toes protruding from behind a too-big tummy ravaged by scars... Scars from carrying the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen, scars from a surgery necessary so an i.u.d. didn't kill me, pudge from making my son a good home while he grew inside of me. When I look at these "less than beautiful" attributes about myself I am not ashamed. I'll poke some fun and myself for not working off the baby weight and move on with my day. Because my days are now filled with a totally different kind of fun. This is the closest to being a carefree kid I've been since I was a carefree kid. By no means am I careless or carefree, but I feel a sense of innocence surround me that I haven't known before in my life. Haevin does that for me. He makes every difficult time worth it's weight in gold, and then some! Am I a perfect mother and wife? Hell no. But I try, and I am pretty happy with who I am. Even better is that I don't really care who I am to anyone who doesn't matter. If they don't like me, tough shit. The people who are closest know what I stand for, and so do the strangers. If they don't like it... they can take a hike!

Onto my main point. I love the little things in life. I love waking up in the morning to the smell of baby shit. It means that my son is healthy. Yeah, it stinks. But it's a life-affirming sort of stench, lol. I get sick of reading about people who are so focused on "getting there." Life is a journey. It's appreciating everything, the good and the bad. It's not a race to the finish line. If you ever make it to that finish line you better plan on croaking the following day, because that's about it son. When you've stopped learning and caring, and appreciating, your time has come.

This morning I was paid a very nice compliment by my sister on my Facebook page. She said she loved me and was proud of the person I'd become. That really made my day. That someone else can see and appreciate my growth even though it has little, if not nothing to do with them is very refreshing! I have some amazing family to be grateful for. Life is good. And if you haven't realized it yet, start looking for your bliss. Because there will always be negative things in your life to focus on. If you allow them to consume you, you will spend your life miserable. This, I promise you.

So, as corny as it may be... Be the change you want to see in the world.

Rant concluded!

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rayray

:: 2011 11 December :: 10.16pm

I need to vent, while my child is screaming it out by herself.
At my house, its not considered "cry it out".. It's screaming it out, or being murdered. She has a set of lungs, and doesn't let up. Like at all. Ever. She doesn't know how to self soothe. She screams bloody murder, and would go on for HOURS and probably days if I let her. She is stubborn. I'm scared she's going to choke on all the saliva/snot she makes from all the screaming, or when she gets to the point where she throws up. Luckily, she always seems to throw up on the floor and not in her bed or all over herself.

From January to November, once she was asleep at night, she wouldn't wake up til about 8ish.. Once in awhile it would be a little early, and then it started getting later.. And I had her going to sleep in her own bed, on her own. Since the time change/her first birthday, she was waking up between 6 and 7.. Once I got her to sleep til 8 or later, she has been waking up a million times during the night. When she is in her crib, awake, she screams bloody murder like she is being attacked. She could be dead asleep, and the second she touches the mattress in her bed, she is screaming so bad, her body stiffens right out.

I can't seem to win. And now Mike is on 3rd shift, so I have to get her to sleep before he goes to work, otherwise it'll be 10 times harder to get her to go to sleep..

So far, she has been screaming for 12 minutes, and Tyson keeps whining and barking like he needs to go protect her.

I feel like a bad mom for complaining about my child, but I miss sleep. Good sleep, where I don't wake up a million times, or in pain from having to make room for everyone else and sleeping all funky.

22 minutes later, she is still screaming, but not nearly like she was.. And a half an hour ago, she was passed out in my bed and had been sleeping since 9..

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phil-himself

:: 2011 2 December :: 11.36am

Sometimes I like to sport a hearty rager and try to get people to look at it.

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jordanmackenzie7

:: 2011 1 December :: 8.40pm

I am extremely lonely. I am so grateful for Brenton's job, but I miss him.

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valoth

:: 2011 26 November :: 1.01am

Seriously?
Wow. Just...wow. This totally just broadsided me.

I hate fb so much at times. Most the time.
This is one of them.

A picture of the person I like(read: Im trying not to like) with someone who was a friend online entitled "ha".

Hows that for a big "Fuck you" moment? I feel insulted, jealous, irate, and put-off. How can I not?

Im angry that the plan changed, that things between us changed, and now this...

"Nails in the coffin" of the issue is how I feel about the you and these issues. I get riled up about this whole thing very easy because of my current mental state. Its very low fyi. Though in my defense being alone all the time can do this do a person.

Im so cynical all the time and thinking every ones out to cut me down. Today Im right. Today I am being cut down and someone is trying to push my buttons.







Can I curl up in a ball now? Id love to do that about now.



6months ago, I pictured this going so much differently. Now that Im here I want to rewind the tape, give the middle finger to it all, and just move on.



mochababy49319

:: 2011 24 November :: 6.16pm

Happy Turkey Day!
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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valoth

:: 2011 24 November :: 10.59am

Fuck holidays.

Im mad that you havent come to vie for my attention! Grr! I hate it.

I need to fix this, but I cant myself to have the words on how to do that.

Whats worse is that even if I do fix this, will it be fixed so I dont keep wallowing in that strange territory that you put me into.

Do you even understand my side of things in the slightest? Do you even try to understand my side?


phil-himself

:: 2011 23 November :: 11.35am

I may retire from this site.

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phil-himself

:: 2011 22 November :: 10.48pm

Meanwhile at DSI, things are ok.

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shannonw55

:: 2011 21 November :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: Nicki Minaj

HAHAHAHAHA


PSHHH! HAHAHAHA

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phil-himself

:: 2011 21 November :: 4.07pm

Passive Restraints

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valoth

:: 2011 21 November :: 7.18am
:: Music: Margrot & The Nuclear So and So's- Broadripple is Burning

30-36hrs
Patient realizes hes stupid. This was a dumb decision. How could I ever have you think this is more than just me being dumb?

But how else can I get you to show me that you actually cared? At all.

I wish I had cameras everywhere all the time, so I know how you reacted after I left. This would be easier if I knew that.


valoth

:: 2011 20 November :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Xx - Crystalized

24hrs
Here we are. 24 hours later. I felt like shit all damn day. My phone is filling up with saved drafts of text messages I want to send.

Now that Ive made the choice I feel I made the wrong one.

I feel like I should have taken the skype, msn, and computer problems as a better sign. 30minutes of skype video crashing my system and then moving to another computer only to have the same problem.

Its eating at me like a cancer. I feel like Ive just thrown away the only good friend I had left. I want to break something, shout, go nuts, and just generally make it feel better.

To top it off I never got to say half of what I wanted. Which is that if she can show me what I am, what I mean to her...Id be so much more at ease. Or so I hope.

So Marley, if you happen by this place. Show me you care. Show me why. Help me understand things. I miss you. I need you.



-----------------------------
I feel like shit and I only have 1 day of work between me and at least a weeks worth of days off. Im going to be sinking to depths I havent seen before without her.

I litterally have no one to lean on.


I have plenty of people I can talk to. Online gamer "friends", mtg "friends", coworkers I get along with...short list...
None of which want to hear my woes or have advice to enrich my life. None to actually be there for me.
I need friends. No. I need good friends. Friends who would go out of there way for me. And me for them.

No wonder Im alone.

Which brings me to the best(worst) part of all this. I still have my id/ego/superego issue looming over my head. I have self perspective on the situation like I live in third person.
Ya, I talk to myself.
Im crazy.
Can you blame me for being this way if all Ive ever had in life is people pick on me?
Yup I blame others.
I wont say I do not have short comings, but holy shit I was given a raw deal here.

No goals.
No friends.
No love.

Happy Holidays, am I right?

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valoth

:: 2011 20 November :: 12.12am

Deed
The deed is done. Ive laid out my story. I said I need a break. How long this lasts I dont know.

What I glean from the conversation on her end is nothing. She has zero understanding of where Im coming from.

I feel like shit.
Because I cant communicate better.
Because I couldnt help her understand my viewpoint
Because I cant be more thorough in my efforts
Because Im not stronger

I want to know how this effects you. I want to know how your dealing with this now that were done talking tonight. I want to know that you show remorse, that you show any emotion. I want to know that you think I meant something.

What was it that I mean? Tell me.

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valoth

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.12pm

We havent spoke in the last 40 hours. Shes called 3 times. Once after I left, just before the last post, and then again 2 times this morning. I didnt answer any one of the calls. I want her to to reach out more. If she cares, if she understands what shes doing to me then she will try harder.

When we talk next I plan to take the issue up with her. Ill be asking her what I mean to her. What I am to her. Ill be making sure she understands how hard this is. She needs to show me these things. If she truly cares, she will do that too.

I cant just be a friend whos there when its convenient. I cant be that guy who you throw comments that lead me on at. I dont and wont do that. Stop doing this to me! Gah!



Ive said it once, Ill say it again. Im at a certain place in my life where I need something more than a friend.

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