London's Calling

:: 2008 4 December :: 1.00pm

Tomorrow at 6pm I meet with the recruiter.

No plans for the weekend. No worries though, Im not looking to go out in the crappy roads. Driving this winter I feel more apprehensive. My car sucks in the winter end of story.

Work sucks.
Still wishing I could go back a few months on everything but whatever.

Heres looking to the forward.

cowboy67

:: 2008 23 November :: 9.20am

tori amos
"fat slut" you said
what luck i said
to be stuck in your happy family
don't you dare, i said
judge me
you go and
stick it in somewhere
i'm sick of hearing it
go stick it in somewhere
i'm sick of hearing it

cowboy67

:: 2008 22 November :: 11.27pm

i'm nostalgic

7 chasing my dreams | discovering the flaws

:: 2008 18 November :: 2.55pm

I got shackled into helping a neighbor move there desk this last weekend. Ya thanks mother...
She played the guilt trip on me about I should help them because one of them has cancer. Thats worse that me not wanting to help. Dont get me wrong Im not a complete ass, but unfortunatelly I think Im already kind enough elsewhere.

Moving there computer turned into backing up these peoples computer, having emails dictated to me to type out, and unmangling a big desk from the myriad of electronics wrapped into it. Computer, speakers, scanner, printer, fax machine, lamps, power cords, phone wire, network cable, power strips...etc.

It also wasnt a 20min ordeal like both my mother and these people made it out to be. THAT pissed me off most. Its now been 2 days. 3hrs on the sunday and 1hr yesterday. I expect another 1-2hrs setting that bullshit up again when they move it downstairs.

Im afraid of other peoples electronics setup's. I dont want to go near them for fear I burst into flames when I see how bad it is. I dont want to break them. I dont want to fix them. Why? because to each his/her own.

What I see fit to destroy is not what others will.

Playing guilt cards on me isnt a good set. Especially when its from family or work. Both end up needing to be a good nice person outwardly. I dont do that. I do it inwardly. Thus why I sulk outwardly.

Tonight is zombie fun I think. Cant decide if I will purchase Left 4 Dead tonight.

The workout is underway. Its the standard issue plan from the navy. Just something to keep after while going through the winter. Nothing special. Just plenty of running/swimming pushups, sittups, and pullups. For the moment Ive skipped the pullup's and gone with crunches. I dont exactly have a spot to do pullups without hurting something in the house.
I need to buy a new pair of running shoes. Both mine fell apart and I totally forgot about it.

Saturday is poker night. Woot. Hope to steal some money.

A lot of folks would say me doing this is stupid because they dont think Ill actually be going. Well...thanks for adding the grains of salt to reasons why I will go.

Like a true psycho I actually think I need someone yelling at me telling me what to do and when and how. I need the direction.

I lack the discipline.

Im not looking for it to be a damn day at the amusement park. Im looking for being in the damn USMC! I look forward to the 10mile runs with 40lbs or more strapped onto me. I look forward to being woke up at 6am by someone yelling at me. I look forward to being brough to my breaking point and getting past it. I look forward to being a Marine.

Bill time today. Sigh. I hate bills.

I should go socialize a bit more and like...attempt stuff...

More stuff later.

2 chasing my dreams | discovering the flaws

:: 2008 18 November :: 12.46am

Just when I thought I was in the safe and clear.

Damnit

Will the torment never end?!

Its been like 2months.

FFS

:: 2008 7 November :: 4.15pm

Valoth:
so when i got lunch at wendies one of the guys back in the kitchen run over to the window as i got my food
and asks with a huge grin on his face: did ya see it!?
i say see what?

Josh:
he didn't say "my cock" did he? ;(

Valoth:
he points at a burgundy '87 fiero
he then says that me driving around here all the time convinced him to buy one

Josh:
oh, lol....wow
you're popular

Valoth:
i guess
its my leet car

8 chasing my dreams | discovering the flaws

:: 2008 6 November :: 9.06am

Here we are over a month an a half later. Emo moments happen more often for small spaces of time. I thought I could make this easy. I totally had that wrong. I hate when I go to check up on anything with her, thinking Ill find something saying shes managed to move on. ...and I hate that. Then I have to hate myself for even thinking like that.

Im an ass.

I still havent got my stuff from Rachel. Not sure why.

Moving right along.

Gas is down to $2.10 at 14mile and that makes me happier.
Im keeping busy, busy being away from life, with Fallout 3 still.
3/4 of the way through the game taking my sweet time and seeing everything I can before finishing the main storyline.
6days till WotLK is out.
Airsoft season is almost done. Turning to look at CQC later on this year and into the rest of the winter.

Back to life.

Ive decided to join the Marines next year. Ill be talking to a recruiter later this month and be looking to leave for basic in or around March.

Figure I got no reason not to anymore. Its been ultimatum #1 since exiting high school. Just decided to stop pussy-footing with it. Ive already started my workout everyday afterwork to help get in shape before I go.

Infantry, recon, or combat engineer.

No forward movement in my job, no attachements short of material possessions. No commitments. No obligations. I almost should thank Rachel for letting me off the hook.

cowboy67

:: 2008 4 November :: 11.26pm

HOORAY!
i don't think obama will make revolutionary changes or anything, BUT the fact that he won is really exciting to me. michigan approved medicinal marijuana use, massachusetts decriminalized the possession of an ounce or less of marijuana, and colorado and south dakota rejected anti-abortion proposals! this is so encouraging to me. i hope that as older, narrow-minded generations die off and younger, better educated people put their two cents in, the U.S. will become a more just, democratic place to live.

here's to hope.

and obama, you better use your power wisely, bitch!

:: 2008 31 October :: 12.54pm

Words too late to say: Uso demo i i no ni "i kanai de" mo ienai yo.

In other news, today is Friday. Fallout 3 rocks. Im pissed it has SecuROM and will end up as a $50 coaster someday, but the game is great.

Ive played all of like 4hrs into the game and thus far Ive blown up an entire town and let loose feral ghouls all over a hotel full of snobby 1950's elitist jerks. Oh but fear not! I killed the ghouls after I let them have fun.

Next step is to go looking for the previous Fallout's vaults. Dont know if Ill make it, but Ill try!

3 chasing my dreams | discovering the flaws

:: 2008 28 October :: 10.34am

[Insert long winded post about emtional pangs here]

[Insert foot in mouth to stop from saying the above]

[Insert repression of sorrow & near-depression-like symptoms]

alastar

:: 2008 26 October :: 4.49pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Manchester Orchestra

I will indulge in every whim and woman that I meet.

alastar

:: 2008 21 October :: 1.03am
:: Music: Saul Williams

Time
All of mankind grows and falls while seconds pass to centuries
And none of the ones left behind can find the answer to what's meant of these
Temples built in ancient times, lines written in the bible
Ignorance breeds confusion, birthing chaos, war, and squabble
While every turn and twitch of hands marks a moments stark abscission
One man thinks inside his mind with blurry, clouded vision
How many days can possibly reside within this hour?
And all he wants is someone who will praise him for his power
Not to bow or even beg, just simply nod in their agreement
That all his work was not in vain, to bring him closer to the cement
That every picture taken doesn't fade to nonexistence
The lens, the frame, the cameras flash; they serve as his resistance
To forgotten times, dead languages, and man's own great collapse
And so he strives to capture time itself within his photographs
He reflects upon the devastation and thinks that man can now do no worse
But the ticking clocks with twirling hands, their swinging pendulum it lowers
With a razors edge, moving back and forth, it slices time into its portions
While everyone lines up to find their months are now divided
The calendar hangs gutted, pages flip full of distortions
But dates erased can't be replaced no matter where they hide it

:: 2008 15 October :: 1.40pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Below

Below

Theres a shadow just behind me. shrouding every step I take.
Making every promise empty. pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of must we, just because the son has come.

Jesus, wont you fucking whistle. something but the past and done.

Why cant we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why cant we drink forever? I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.

Mother mary, wont you whisper. something but the past is done.

Why cant we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why cant we sleep forever? I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
Trust me. trust me. trust me. trust me. trust me.

Why cant we not be sober. I just want to start things over.
Why cant we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.

I want what I want...
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
I want what I want...

:: 2008 15 October :: 1.38pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Tool - Sober

Something but past and done
Ok So theres a few things I want to get off my chest because its bugging the feck out of me.
I dont even feel ok to say anything about it in my own space. It is my bouncing wall to put my thoughts on so Im doing it anyway.

The stereo in my car doesnt work, and hasnt for about a month now. Its lead to alot of random thoughts to think about while driving.

Like this mornings thoughts...which bring the dread wrench feeling in my stomach.

Im very unhappy with how things ended with Rachel. I got too overbearing in the attempt to salvage anything and Im left with remorse, and a bit of hate on the whole thing. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Why? Oh mainly because it was 4years of my life.
(Side note, dont try to relate to my story, not looking for that)

6yrs ago I met her in a chat room and just had a friend for the summer. Someone to enjoy talking to.
4yrs ago I decided to try and make a long distance relationship work. Even if we werent together it was still nice to say we were.
2yrs ago I got back together with her. Ever since, we struggled to keep things together. Breakdowns aside I enjoyed it.

Time and again, I was either broke, or nearly broke but I made it work to get her here to be with me.

Then I went to see how things were for her down there...where shit went downhill. How far downhill it was before I even arrived I dont know. Rachel was always fairly good with hiding something if she wanted to. Her small hints tended to fall to the side, as I hadnt had time to take them in when in person. Subtle things like, she wasnt wearing the necklace I gave her that she attested to not taking off, or how she smiled at me even.

The more I think about it the more I dont know how distant she was from me already. It just felt like someone had been whispering bad things to her the whole time. It was like she was allowing me to be there simply to let me know I wasnt wanted anymore. Like I was cast aside and was simply being nice due to the pasttense of things.

Saturday night was a freaking crapfest. I dont know what she remembers of it either. All I know is that the time the the first set of folks left, and the second arrived. Things were bad. I was made to be the bad guy because of it. Totally not the case. That was a 50/50 street there. I was quiet and distant after 9pm. Why? Because what I saw was just not what I expected. I could have taken it in stride, but I knew that it wasnt possible. The remainder of the evening continued on the downhill slide.

Post mortim we emailed back and forth some on a few things. Which basically turned into me laying out my reasoning to her, and her getting increasingly angry and defensive. Very little do I find myself in uncomfortable situations. All of Saturday turned into that and Im not going to change my mind on the issues it involved.

I know what I want, and I know what I really, really dont want. What I saw was what I dont want. It hurt me. A lot. Why? Because I knew that 4yrs ago I said to myself something along the lines of "Ill make this work hell or high water." All it did was get worse from then. I broke down some now and then, but only out of longing. Wanting the wait to be over. She broke down harder, less often and I think ended out worse for it.

I broke up with her. She broke up with me. It was "mutual" at best.

I love the girl. I always will, Im just sad that my 'sunny-disposition' got in the way of the thing I hoped to do most. Protect her from the hurt. It seems all I did was manage to bandaid it and it continued to wrech.

Ill continue this rant later. ...prolly should block comments, but meh.