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shalee
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2011 16 June :: 9.36pm
:: Music: Sondre Lerche
[Dan In Real Life]
"Because when you're out there and you're being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves, and you think that you'll never feel land again and that you could just split into a million pieces and just sink down all the way down into the deep... it's the light that keeps us on course; it's the light."
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shalee
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2011 31 May :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: contemplative
"I found myself thinking about you tonight on a walk under some makeshift constellations struggling through the light pollution of the city, fleeting thoughts coming and going like New England snowfalls. I want to bear my soul to you in the way that symphonies are written, so that at its completion, my story will have completely enveloped you like B minor at the predawn of a snow-covered day, and you'll realize that there is nothing more painfully right than the overlap of the lines on our palms and all the countless intersections of your eyes and mine."
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aaron
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2011 17 February :: 4.28pm
What does it mean to be an individual?
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aaron
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2011 12 January :: 6.54pm
It's time for an adventure.
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aaron
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2010 8 December :: 9.42pm
Goddamn it I could just burn this whole journal and tell you my life is beautiful and maybe that would make some sense.
The beauty in the world I chase so hard chases back.
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aaron
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2010 8 December :: 9.33pm
The funny thing is, whether it was learning an indigenous language on a mountain thousands of miles, or here at my desk writing philosophy, or napping with her on the couch...
now I'm just lost in the music. Haha, look at me go. Here we go?
Don't suppose I'm as crude of an instrument as I look, there's something very elegant going on here. We may be social dinosaurs, and maybe you don't believe in these sorts of dinosaurs, but I like to think they existed. If they didn't, then this isn't old fashioned, it's revolutionary.
On second thought, it's a revolution anyway. In my private little world, it's a revolution. I imagine it would be in yours, too.
Be balanced, but not compromised. Of course of course of course live this fiercely. Dive in.
And if the music is what makes the feeling, there's always people making more music.
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aaron
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2010 8 December :: 9.30pm
I have existed twice and all at once.
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aaron
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2010 29 September :: 6.06pm
:: Music: ratatat
bah
bahbah
bahbah
desert eagle and coffee.
folding and unfolding. something like origami flowers. can\\
sleeping in peace, sleeping cause you can't drown and feel this good.
buh
buhshickshicka. noisy drum noises.
There was a moment, 7 years ago, just like this, where something began.
See them? At first I thought it was snowing. Now I see it never mattered how scared I was, how small I was, or how hard the Leviathan fought to keep me back.
Like the Mobius strip, life only appears to go in a straight line if you're in it.
There was a moment 7 years ago. I could never have known how beautiful this is.
I can't tell you the future, and I can't decide who anyone else is. I'm sometimes not sure I can even know who anyone else is.
But I know who I am, and I can choose who I am, and if that has anything to do with the future, I can choose some piece of that, too.
A little girl pushes on the oar.
Grandpa pushes too. And that's how miracles happen.
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aaron
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2010 19 September :: 6.00pm
My life is beautiful.
The dichotomy here is that I'm inclined to say something I know isn't true. So let's call it a feeling, not a thought
but
They can call me pretentious, I don't really mind. The meek and meager inherit the Earth, and the bold and reckless inherit the sky.
Mostly just love so powerful that when strikes me I could forget my own name. And finally a world of people who know what that means.
Oh, for the record: I really love that girl.
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mudpiegrl
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2010 6 March :: 7.17pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: Arcade Fire
wtf.
Here I am, fairly confident because all the normal signs are there; keeping an eye on my fb, unintentional compliments, long phone conversations ending with what sounds like a genuine "nice talking to you, as always".
But the trailing conversation regarding Napoleon's crush and what to do about her leading on kept me thinking all the time: what about my situation?
And so I asked the best friend of my object of affection if things look positively for me. Alas! He suggests they do not and he is merely appeasing me via the expected social niceties.
That sort of tears down any idea I had regarding an approach to the situation. Instead of positively, I feel I can only begin with questions whether it is only for politeness sake or if he truly enjoys conversing with me.
I'm in loop thought and can do nothing but lay down. There isn't any place for me anywhere but my bed and no focus behind my eyes to try to read or attend to a movie.
And despite how up in the air the opinion was (how credible is it if Napoleon hasn't spoken to Danny in some time, and certainly not about the same topic), I can't help but feel a shade of hopelessness and concern. There seems to be no place for me in the world as well as my house. What exactly am I doing?
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mudpiegrl
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2010 14 February :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Moonlight Sonata
St. L trip to forget.
"And is never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way."
I've started East of Eden. It's very good thus far (75 pages) and has some wonderful quotes. It isn't anything like the movie (yet).
***
Despite my surprise at Napoleon's willingness to help me, I am too thankful to ruin it by questioning him. He might be helping for Danny's sake...Or maybe to repay me for my non-judgmental help with his somewhat dishonourable task.
Regardless, I am again talking to Danny and he seems excited to talk to me, oddly.
I am not yet brave enough to say anything, which I find strange, since that's the only reason I've ever had a bf.
I don't mind so much, though. I enjoy talking to him so much that it doesn't matter what happens and whatever does, I will allow.
***
I spent the weekend in St. Louis with Jessica for Mardi Gras and her birthday. I thought it would be tons of fun, but honestly, it was sort of not. I arrived Thursday night and we went to the grocery store and then to bed. Friday, we woke up and Jess went to class and I read (East of Eden) and almost as soon as I went to the coffee shop down the street, she called to say she'd be home for a bit for lunch. I then went to lunch with Dan and his friends (who are just as unkempt as him and one smelled like a hobo) and we visited Urban Outfitters. After that, he took me back to Jessica's and we went to the Library restaurant beneath her apt. It was pretty neat and the ribs were good (and free). We then went shopping and Danny called me and J got mad at me for talking on the phone too much, which I suppose was warranted, but I don't feel so badly because she rarely actually listens when I talk, usually focusing on something else (i.e. texting). However, the anger and both of our stubbornness meant we didn't talk for an hour in the car (she insists she win everything and I couldn't let her think she had me under her thumb, so I refused to start the talking). Once we got Mindy from the airport, all resumed. That night, David's (her roommate) friends came in as well and they already had the keg opened by the time we got back to their apartment. None of the three of us were really into partying, so we made cookies and only made a slight appearance at the far-too-busy bars to say hello. We went back and after hanging out a little bit, Eileen and Mike came back screaming at each other. Jessica's attempt to mediate didn't work so well, and Mindy and I just talked while that happened. We finally went to bed around midnight, and about 2.30, the party came back. They were loud enough to wake us up, but also Eileen and Mike, who resumed their fight. So I was up til 3.15.
The alarm went off at 6am the next morning. We all showered and David woke his friend up by blasting music at 7. They cooked eggs and we were supposed to be drinking (beer and hand grenades). It was just too early. Mindy napped and I snacked on Goldfish. We went to Humphrey's (bar) at ten to get free tickets for the shuttle to take us down to Soulard for the parade. Jessica was already too drunk and I'd only had one drink at the apt and another at Humphrey's (for the ticket). Soulard was busy and everyone was excited, but we didn't go to the bar the other kids went to, we (J, Mindy, and I) went to another to pee and get J some water. There, Mindy and I got another drink, though Jess decided she wanted to go home and Mindy never finished hers. We left just as the parade was starting; we walked back to where we got dropped off and hailed a cab. J feel asleep in the car and threw up the moment she got back, then passed out.
Mindy and I made Ramyan and tried to watch a movie, but it didn't work, so we tried to nap. She was successful, but I was woken from half sleep four times by people coming in and screaming, so I gave up. Once J woke up, she curled up in the chair (and I tried to sleep again) and started whining that she couldn't breathe. I told her to lay flat so as to not compress her lungs, but she didn't listen. She called all her friends and told them she was having trouble breathing and so, concerned, they insisted on taking her to the ER. I still believe it was because she got three hours of sleep, ate hardly anything, drank, threw up, and slept alcohol induced and her body was working too hard and stressing itself out. She was fine and just whining a lot. She didn't end up even being checked in, but by the time we got back at 7.30, I was done and ready for bed. So Mindy and I slept while J called Dan, who is apparently fine with her now.
We got up this morning and left for the bus. Jessica was nice enough to buy me McDonald's and I still made the bus. The trip was boring, though I sat next to a nice girl and read a lot.
And now I'm home. It was the second crappiest trip I've ever taken (the first being the one to MN to see Jen, where I was in the ER the first night and she slept the entire second day), the redeeming qualities really being Mindy and talking to Danny.
That's all for now. :)
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mudpiegrl
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2009 30 December :: 5.42pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Zero 7
But if the adversary of all evil
Was courteous, thinking of the high effect
That issue would from him, and who, and what,
To men of intellect unmeet it seems not.
Where am I?
Where am I?
What am I doing?
Nothing.
I am nowhere doing nothing.
Big
empty
sky,
e----------n----------d----------l----------e----------s----------s
____________ flat____________________
land,_________________
cliche
tumbleweeds
and
d . u ` . s . ` ' , t . ` ' . . ` ,` ' ... `; ' `;` ` .. ` . : . ` `. . ``
No one around.
Distantly,
perhaps, a person?
Nay, only a mirage.
Surely people come here several times in their life; they arrive often in intervals, like Miami and the Bahamas witness during spring breaks and summer vacations.
But always alone.
You are always alone.
Maybe I'm growing up. Why am I doing this? I don't know. I just know that I have and I'm only doing it because it seems right. "Would you like to come over?" Yes. But only because it sounds familiar. The experience, however, is alien. The truth is that I could not be more confused.
I need a job; this I know. But where? Hm. I feel useless, for sure.
And why- why is anyone friends with me? I can easily answer this for Campy or Jessica. Drinking buddy or errand buddy. They call so they don't have to do things alone. We're not truly friends, because when it comes down to it, that's all it is. J could care less about my confusion, particularly because she has an "awesome friend group" and "loves [her] friend group soooo much". Bug and Q are their own. All I really serve to either is someone to hang out with in VH, and the occasional art discussion with Bug. Napoleon has been talking badly about me before he left for China, and now comes back and we're friends again???
I admit, this is probably just how I feel. All of this isn't necessarily true. But I've realised that neither Danny nor Maggie has anything to gain from my friendship. And it's awesome when either call me or hang out with me. I couldn't feel happier than after a good discussion with either.
I've narrowed it down to their understanding of life. Danny doesn't need to drink to feel accepted and is perfectly happy doing his own thing. He's happy with what he has and does his best not to complain. Maggie is happy because she makes sure she is happy. She loves her kids and she loves life itself. These are the kind of people with whom I need to surround myself, not petty, picky people who judge and condescend and treat me badly.
So in the interim, what do I do? Read.
I read to not hear about the shop. I read to learn about somewhere else. To escape. But why don't I just get a damn job and leave? I should.
I will have Jessica come over as soon as my g-ma leaves to help me with my cover letters. And I'll call Ruby Tuesday the day after the New Year. Holidays are not good business days for finding jobs.
Maybe I'll call Danny again. I am super afraid of annoying him. I'd really like to keep him around. He's a good person, and a very good friend.
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aaron
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2009 8 December :: 9.22pm
I feel good. Rough around the edges, but things are changing. Maybe it's thinking back to the things that mattered before this weird fog. Maybe it's the major key playing in the stereo.
Most people get out- I know that I need to break out and shine anyway.
I'm carrying this belief that if I go, I'll fuck it up- that the new people won't like me, that I won't succeed in the new place.
All of that is juvenile- this place started as passion and a way with words. All the pretentious anti-personal anti-poetry came later.
My roots as a person are the things that I can't make sense out of.
Maybe I should let myself acknowledge how foreign all of the rest is to me right now.
I can't breathe, but there's a big smile on my face anyway.
"But the oranges just sit there and never ripen!"
"Stalinist fruit."
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aaron
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2009 8 December :: 9.19pm
"This is what I'm learning from this trip; I need friends, true friends, talk deeply, laugh deeply friends. And I need self-control. I need to not get away from myself or my best intentions. And I need to really live, really connect, really be human. Really.
I need to love, really. That's important. I need to be as human as I can without being human at everyone else's expense."
June 21st, 2009
How do people loose sight of moments like these?
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mudpiegrl
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2009 7 December :: 1.20am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: amelie
So long story-short, I've been super careful not to annoy him and he asked why I'm so formal with him.
-.-
So I'm going to call him tmro. I wish I didn't feel like I have to be so silly about this.
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