mudpiegrl
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2009 28 November :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: complacent
I don't really know what to write tonight. I just thought the other day that I should update so I know (later on) what I was thinking about. I want to teach at Santa Maria as an art teacher. I would love to teach and I think it would be easiest to get experience in a subject that isn't required. I just want to do something. Among my list are writing books, one cataloging a complete history of twentieth century pop culture and a series of stories from the lives of people who lived in a time that my generation (and generations after mine) learn about as history. I also want to make knickers. I think they'd be cute as hell with a pair of high-heeled boots.
It's Thanksgiving weekend and I saw Cathy Topor and Jen Castro this weekend. They are both doing well. I realised I know very little about Cathy anymore. Unfortunately, we were separated before we became aware of emotions in any grown-up sense, so we didn't suffer angst the same way at all and know very little about that part of each other's lives.
I wanted to hang out with Danny more than once, but didn't, and he's likely heading back tomorrow morning. I also wished to have spent time with Bug and Q, though they are too busy for me. Most people just didn't answer their phones while they were here, though I saw a lot of people at the mall from high school.
I really miss having people near me and it's worse to know they're near and still be stuck at home. I'm not even feeling sorry for myself. I thought it would be inappropriate to stay home (like I usually do) when people were actually in town. But I've spent most of my time with my parents anyway.
Oh, well. Teaches me not to get excited for things at all.
I need to write a stupid cover letter to get a job. I don't want to work at the shop anymore. I generally don't mind it, but I'd like to get paid every week or every two and not worry about the owner (my dad) trying to pay the bills. Also, it would provide some separation from my mum, which I don't need nearly as much as she does. She's been throwing fits lately about the silliest things. I just don't understand how people get so upset about nothing.
I guess that's it. Good day!
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mudpiegrl
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2009 12 November :: 9.10am
:: Mood: awake
Another dream:
I had just come out of some show or something with some grandparents, and the group of us were walking down a sidewalk in a small-town downtown, squishing and swerving to avoid sidewalk boards and awning poles. We turned the corner and there was a group of people my age hanging outside a bar (enough to make us go single file) and they shouted that I should join them at a party at one of their houses.
So I went. I spent most of the night observing people and talking. There was someone taking pictures with the host's camera and I recalled some conversations regarding day jobs.
It was later on that we began discussing some crime (maybe a murder?) that occurred and the three suspects. After some time of deliberation, and what seemed (without much dream discussion) that all three people had motives and opportunities equal to the other two, we went to bed, resolving to solve it in the morning.
The TV was on, and one of the people I was discussing it with was sleeping on the chair at the end of the bed. I was laying sprawled out (in real life, too) on my back, with my hands around the pillow. I felt pressure at the side of my left thigh (which no doubt was really my dog), but stayed with my eyes closed, convinced it was the cat.
I felt my arm grabbed, and opened my eyes quickly to one of the suspects on the board. He had had his hair cut since the party and left a tiny triangle tuft at the front of his head, directly center. He looked me in the face and said, "It was me and we're going to watch my Target commercial."
Since my face was looking at the ceiling, I asked if I may turn over. He said, "No" quickly, and continued to watch his commercial. I squirmed a bit....and then woke up.
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mudpiegrl
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2009 27 October :: 2.17am
:: Music: tommib help buss
i tried to keep this crush at bay, knowing it was silly from before it's existance, but i'm out of control now. silly, silly me.
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aaron
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2009 7 October :: 11.45am
Those are the things that stun me.
Life has so much continuity, it gives me goose bumps.
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mudpiegrl
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2009 29 September :: 10.47am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: broken social scene
dreams
I already typed this last night, but for some reason it wouldn't send.
I'm very glad I kept this journal; I can go back and laugh at fourteen-year-old self when I'm thirty.
I had a dream the other night that woke me up at four and kept me awake for an hour at least. It featured three kids who'd decided to commit suicide in a public pool. Their ages were three, six, and seven, two boys and a girl, respectively. The youngest went first, simply laying face down in the pool; the eldest second, by tying a brick to her foot. I don't recall the third. The images are really just a succession, and my brain filled in the gaps.
Three kids in the center of the pool. The two older are looking at the youngest.
The youngest lays face down. He doesn't struggle, but his siblings wait for him to die.
The middle boy treads water, looking at the blur that is his sister underwater.
One boy face up, one face down, and a shadow of peach beneath the cyan water, while a crowd looks on.
The newspaper, black and white image of the same, with some headline regarding it's outrageousness.
I had no emotional connection to the children, and only watched them die. The newspaper article struck the memory, but only that. Still no emotion. I have no idea what it all means.
Danny said it could be like Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". But then, I should be in either an institution or a prison, particularly because this is not the first time I've dreamed like this.
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aaron
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2009 17 September :: 3.56pm
I was there. I took the step, I bridged the gap.
I'm still afraid, and I'm still dodging my best intentions, letting myself get away from myself.
I know who I am. He's not just coming into view, but exploding into Technicolor.
This is without system or method- I know that's hard for people to understand. Everyone feels abandoned by me, but it's not abandonment. It's just a newer (older?) me.
And this is deep. A lot deeper than anything I've ever experienced. Quiet, calm, almost still- but the vibrancy is undeniable and inescapable. I've always been afraid I would lose it, but I think it's been chasing me all along.
He's there, but he's very different than I expected. I expected either loud or quiet, fun or solemn. I expected him to fit.
And it's ironic. What I realized was how bad I need people, and what I did was ignore all of them.
I feel awful- but it's just begun.
And she's right, haahaha. She's got us pegged. I wonder if they all accept that better than I realized? They don't protest.
I never knew as much as I thought. But this is freedom, and I like it a little better.
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mudpiegrl
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2009 11 June :: 1.30am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Strokes-"Razorblade"
Dream
The other night I had a weird dream. I'm surprised I still remember it, except it was vivid and it seemed like the most important thing in the world.
A rabbit was in the back of his cage, not moving. He was dying or dead and losing hair. Soon he was joined by two other rabbits, just magically, not let in or anything. One of them was completely disinterested in the sick rabbit, but the other began to lick or nibble on him. The sick rabbit began to disintegrate, almost melt, down to bone and bits of fur. He became hollow and even lost his eyeballs. I nudged the licking bunny away, and a short time later (dream lapse time), the sick bunny started to reanimate. He became well and in a following conversation, I prided myself on my interference as though it was nothing but him being out of food for a day.
I have no idea what it means, so I thought I'd look it up.
Rabbits
To see a rabbit in your dream, signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.
To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness in love.
I don't remember it being white, but maybe? Or maybe my sexual activity is gone and I need someone to nudge away the acid?
Skeleton
To see a skeleton in your dream, represents something that is not fully developed. You may still in be the planning stages of some situation or project. Alternatively, a skeleton suggests that you need to get to the bottom of some matter. The dream may also be a metaphor for skeletons in your closet. Do you have something to hide?
To see someone depicted as a skeleton, signifies that your relationship with them is long dead.
Well, that just confuses things.
There was another dream that accompanied it, but I no longer remember it.
In other news, I have so much work to do and should not be wasting time on this business. I have to finish sewing the whole of one costume by tmro, another by Monday, and complete the lining and alterations of a third by Tuesday.
Then, I have a big project due Wednesday for my film class and I've barely begun my research on Fritz Lang.
Then next week, I'm supposed to meet with Geopolis with my research on 1960's Japanese literature.
Also, I need to meet with Melanie and Stefin to help with Alice in Wonderland for Jackalope Theatre.
Assuming this lasts long enough, I'll look back and think that I was doing really well for myself, but only one show is paid. :/
That said, back to it. Also, my film class including a showing of Dali and Bunuel's Un Chein Andalou, which has surrealistic images and pointless intertitles. I imagine I'll be dreaming in intertitles for the next week. I think my rabbit dream was influenced by the Agit Prop from last week.
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aaron
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2009 7 May :: 9.57pm
Baby I've been here before,
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold
and it's a broken
hallelujah.
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you.
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the lord of song
with nothing on my tongue
but hallelujah.
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mudpiegrl
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2009 18 April :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: happy
Boy, has life taken an interesting turn of events.
I was concerned i was not going to graduate, which i am now sure i will.
I am not a wallowing, lonely girl anymore. I accepted that i am too poor for a boyfriend and i need to get my life together before i can get one.
then i did. sort of. i think. maybe.
regardless, he made my night and morning super awesome.
i couldn't be happier right now, i think.
if i could, i welcome it. but i know that frequently brings horror. I am focusing on not allowing stress to get to me. it barely bothers me when i'm late to class and i don't care what people at school think of me anymore. it helps.
i was right to think about how i felt in hs. while i am more grown up, it's good to revert to the making yourself happy by doing things you want to do. i like to go to museums and to the lake and read books and trust me. doing those things rocks. by myself. and grocery shopping! yay!
so long story short: i am happy and it's awesome.
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mudpiegrl
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2009 12 April :: 3.49am
Gently distributed tenderness just melts me.
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aaron
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2009 1 April :: 10.18pm
I remember that beach. Dinner on the porch, everyone dressed well. The heat lamps and laughter and the unity of awe over the sunset on the water. The feel, the vibrancy, the laughter, and closeness in the air.
Like the square, with the fountains and all the prayer.
It's everything this cold, empty, loneliness isn't.
I guess I know how much it meant to me. Such a small thing, but now that it's gone, I feel like I've lost the whole world.
I love you, man. Never doubt that. And I'm on your side, when it does come to sides. And really, so is he, even if that doesn't mean a thing to you.
Still my friend...but not the same. It changes nothing, but everything's different.
I don't get it either, I just wish things were the way they were. I wish we were eating dinner on that beach. I wish we were in that square, arms locked. I pray that tonight, as I sleep, those memories will pass through my mind a hundred times. I love those memories.
I have regrets. I can't deny that. I've treated you like shit, and I turned a shoulder when you needed me the most. I see that now. But I never turned my back, and it couldn't have been that way forever. Things move on, people grow up, and maybe that's what this is all about. Or maybe it's about being young.
I know how this will end, I guess. One of two ways, and either is fine because it's your choice. But I'm a liar and a false friend if I tell you I'm not scared.
My God,
You know it's true; I am so scared.
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mudpiegrl
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2009 16 February :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: The Funky Lowlives
stupid me.
I should not ever be allowed to drink.
actually, i should not be allowed to be alone, really.
i'm supposed to be working on my CAD project, but i can't focus.
i need a job. badly. i'm poor. and hungry.
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mudpiegrl
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2009 26 January :: 1.36am
my heart is heavy and my head is spinning.
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aaron
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2009 22 January :: 10.38pm
Sometimes I'm made of clay, and sometimes steel. I'm either waiting for the hands to mold me, create me, and put me through fire or I'm cold and still, isolated. I know I should always be clay, but I always want to be steel. Nonetheless, sometimes I'm made of clay, and sometimes steel.
I just want to know if there's such thing as a should.
I feel like there is, in the deepest corners of my soul. But my brain tells me other wise.
I can't help but feel that my brain tells me wrong. I can't be both steel and clay, but I have to.
I want to. I want to be that nobody that is everything and knows everyone, but is still nobody.
That's the kind of person I want to be.
But I'm not.
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mudpiegrl
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2009 22 January :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: inspired
:: Music: craig ferguson
There is not much danger that real talent or goodness will be overlooked long, and the great charm of all power is modesty.
i am sure of very little.
and who is sure of the future?
but there are some times that you are convinced one way or the other of certain things.
i am certain that some of my current friends are brilliant and talented and motivated enough to not only do what they enjoy, but to make money and perhaps fame from it.
reading stunkel's plays insist on this.
patrice's photos put forward yet another possibility.
and ryan's cooking does well enough for a city, in the least.
those are close friends; but there are also acquaintances who're the same. i believe melanie berner and zac togami will also find high success.
i only hope they'll let me freeload...
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