mudpiegrl
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2005 19 March :: 11.23pm
The diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor the man perfected without trials. ~Chinese Proverb~
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aaron
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2005 19 March :: 9.34am
:: Mood: working
:: Music: The perfect drug, NIN
Taking a break from my topical study... It sucks. But I only need one more paragraph.
Bought an Icon e yesterday...I'm going to take my brother out with the school club. He's going to use my old tippman '98 custom. He's really stoked. If he likes paintballing, I'll let him buy my gun. Anyway...this should be fun. I got to get back to work now...ttyl.
i got my head, but my head is unraveling
can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling
i got my heart but my heart is no good
and you're the only one that's understood
i come along but i don't know where you're taking me
i shouldn't go but you're reaching back and shaking me
turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky
the more i give to you, the more i die
and i want you
and i want you
and i want you
and i want you
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you make me hard, when i'm all soft inside
i see the truth, when i'm all stupid eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
my blood wants to say hello to you
my feelings want to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
every little word is a lack of me (argued to be "'how very little there is left of me")
and i want you
and i want you
and i want you
and i want you
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
(whispering)
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the drug, the perfect drug
take me, with you
take me, with you
take me, with you
take me, with you
(continues in background)
without you, without you everything falls apart
without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
without you, without you everything falls apart
without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
without you, without you everything falls apart
without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
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mudpiegrl
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2005 17 March :: 12.59am
:: Music: cold, shaky, confused
HABANERA
L'Amour est un oiseau rebelle
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,
S'il lui convient de refuser.
Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière,
L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait;
Et c'est l'autre que je préfère
Il n'a rien dit; mais il me tient.
L'Amour est un oiseau rebelle
L'Amour
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser
L'Amour
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle
L'Amour
S'il lui convient de refuser
L'Amour
L'Amour est enfant de Bohême,
Il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi,
Si tu ne m'aime pas, je t'aime,
Si je t'aime, prend garde à toi!
(Prends garde à toi)
Si tu ne m'aime pas si tu ne m'aimes pas je t'aime
(Prends garde à toi)
Mais si je t'aime si je t'aime prends garde à toi!
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mudpiegrl
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2005 15 March :: 7.58pm
 | You scored as Art Freak. You artsy fartsy kid you. You rock my world.
Art Freak | | 56% | Loner | | 38% | Nerd | | 25% | Cheerleader/Jock | | 13% | Loser | | 0% | Punk Ass Kid | | 0% |
What's You're Sterotype?
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mudpiegrl
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2005 15 March :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: crushed
i'm sorry this is mostly about my mother. but it is my journal and no one gives me nearly as many problems as she does.
today she pissed me off because i gave her a list and asked her to buy me deoderant and tampons because im out of both. i wrote it down specifically, which she always complains no one writes things down, and asked nicely. she asked questions, and i wrote down the type.....specifically so that i wouldnt get mad at her when she bought the wrong thing.
i asked if she bought them and she says:
"no"
"thanks for your help."
"you're welcome!"
"You're horrible."
"i only buy it if it's dire."
"it sort of is. i have no deoderant or tampons."
"i didnt know you were in need."
"Yes. This is how i KNOW tv is more important than me. i gave you the list last night."
"i have things to do."
i called her.
"i had to walk elaine's dogs"
"that takes fifteen minutes. i hardly ask you for anything."
"i have things to do too jorie."
"yea. so do i. g'bye."
"maybe family should be as important as your 5:30 party."
"i'm not your maid."
i called her again:
"you know what you always yell at me for being with elaine and calling gail but gail doesnt know anything about your friends. and you stopped bringing them over because of all the things you tell them about me."
"that's not even the issue. i asked you to get something for me, taking great care to write it all down specifically so that you wouldnt get frustrated that it wasnt right and asked you nicely to get them and you didnt even try. the reason i saked is because im still a little sensitive about buying tampons. and you're right; you arent my maid, but you are my mother. if you werent my mother, id ask my mother to buy them for me, but since you are, you got asked. im sorry im such a huge burden. ill talk to you later."
yes. that's all. it's a little overdone but i hardly ask her for anything. its just upsetting.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 14 March :: 8.39am
from friday morning
Today’s one of those days where I really don’t feel like doing anything calm. I want to run or something. I hate this architectural drawing class. I will not be an architect. They are too quiet and awkward. Why cant he tell funny stories or something? Who wants to design a living room? I would like to wait a few years before I have to do that. Oh well. The point is that this class is boring and I am bored with it’s boring curriculum.
“it’s the perfect time of year, somewhere far away from here.”
I am eating special K. with strawberries. Dehydrated strawberries. They look so sad. I wonder if it hurts them to get dehydrated, because for us, it’s the most painful death. But maybe they’re technically dead when they are plucked from the vine. Strawberries grow on vines like raspberries, right? I wonder what having seeds is like. Do they just randomly burst once a month too? Or is it more like every two hours because a strawberries life span is so much shorter than ours.
If the average woman lives to seventy-five, and from the ages twelve to fifty, she is childworthy, that’s thirty eight years. Multiply that by twelve and you get four hundred and fifty six months. That’s a lot of eggs.
Seventy-five times twelve gets you nine hundred. So four hundred and fifty six divided by nine hundred equals 51%. The percentage of how often we get our menstral cycle is 1/456. So…now that I’ve done all that month work, even though it was unnecessary, a strawberry takes let’s say two weeks to fully develop and die. It probably takes the entire first week to grow useable seeds, which makes sense that it is approximately half it’s life and seeds are good even after death, like a chicken. There are 168 hours in a week. Multiply that by 1/456 and you get .368. Therefore, were a strawberry like us, their seeds would pop every 3 hours and seven minutes. Ours lasts a week, so a strawberry’s would have to equal every three quarters of an hour.
3 ?
672 168
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mudpiegrl
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2005 4 March :: 7.24pm
so i definatly want to see cirque du soliel somewhere......i would go to australia to see them.......hell that'd be super awesome.
i want to see a broadway show really badly.......or even go to london
oh man
how about just a really big show in chicago......im supposed to go with jill and i really hope i can!
i also want to get my molars pulled.....
oh my lungs got all tied up when i was looking at the cirque stuff...
theres a show in toronto from the fourth to the twenty eighth of august!!!
i would drive myself up there just to see it.......and spend the seventy dollars on it!!!!
oh god........
going somewhere else would not only cure my desire to see it, but my desire to see something other than suburbia and fucking america!
ahhhhhhhh
i need to calm down i cant breathe......
oh i wanna meet gir too which i might be able to do!!!!!!!
know where.........someplace
know when......the week of JC......crap.
oh well ill be like gir is more important than running crew!!!
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mudpiegrl
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2005 3 March :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Cirque Du Soliel- Saltimbanco
this is frustration
so what do you do when people are on your ass about college, your best friend doesnt even understnad your lonlienss an you have to hurt some guy cuz you dont even know how to handle relationships anymore?
you sit.
you're sick of losing friends, but used to it and its almost to the point where you would just accept it when it happens, as you know it's going to. you've come to the realisation that in three months, all friendships will be obsolete anyway. and that boyfriend you had, he's still just as dumb, and there's no chance of holding anyone tha close for a long, long time. you now understand love and the lack thereof. you are hating your parents currently because they arent even trying to understand where you are from, but expecting you to pull your life together easily. what do you do when everyone else has someone to tie the knot at the end of the stitches, but you are holding the fabric and trying to tie with your teeth. what do you say to yoruself when you find out you arent needed in even your own life?
you sit.
you wait.
say hello to nothing.
because nothing is there.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 22 January :: 7.40pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: bzz
i hate parents friends everyone
my mother is so mean. she came up to give me something from elaine and steve (so of course, she was drunk) and she started bitching about how my rooms a fucking disaster and all that shit.
well great, i said. if you dont like it then get out of it. you dont have to come in here, and neither does anyone else. its like that story nipple jesus. not to mention the fact that i dont like that she talks to herself, yet she continues to do so, saying "if you dont like it, dont listen." so i told her that. i also asked what, other than my room being a mess, what else is she not proud of me for.
she said my grades, which ill let you know is the thing that pissed me off the most. i really went ape after that. how could she say that? all shes ever wanted was B's and now i have B's and now "it's too late". how could she ever say that. what a great encouragement to get me wanting to succeed in college.
once i go away, i will not send her my grades. i will not tell her how i am doing. in fact, i doubt that i will do much talking to her at all unless she is sober.
the other things that have been pissing me off is her with gail. okie great she has friends. she spends loads of time on the phone with gail and then she hangs up and goes over to elaines. okie thats all fine and whatever, even though its a pain to wait for dinner sometimes. but the other day i came home after spending two whole hours with jen (and mushroom) and she asked where i was and i told her. "god you're always with jen....jen, jen, jen". where the hell does she get off saying that now?!? i havent hung out with jen in forever and she's supposed to be my best friend! not to mention the fact that shes allowed to but im not? what the hell.
oh. and another thing about gail. well they talk so often that now their kids lives are like trading cards and they compare everything. so shaun got a job at a pet store; shaun got a $4,000 scholarship; shaun got put up a rank in his ROTC; shaun got all A's this semester; shaun thinks latin's hard; shaun got a 26 on his ACT.
oh thats nice shaun. seeing as you are clearly prouder of shaun than of me, how about you go live with him. ill live by myself, which, by the way, i am not mature enough to do according to her. oh, im also not expirienced enough to drive in the snow, but mother how can i get expirience if im not allowed out of the house when it snows?!?
all i wanted for christmas was a coat and shoes and shampoo and conditioner.
they told me to ask for more and got me an mp3 player and now i cant get my wisdom teeth pulled. im mad taht im such a burden money-wise, but i would think two jobs could help that. i dont ask for money to eat out; i dont ask for money for anything petty. i asked for it for all state but i wont ask for this show shirt. i wont ask for anything that i cant handle. im trying to buy a new computer before graduation. ill ask for a college education if they ask me what i want. that and my wisdom teeth pulled.
oh, damn. im complaining again.
you'd think the people who supposedly love you would be a tad more supportive.
i hate people. hermitism it is for me.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 19 January :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: not so happy
:: Music: bzzz
so i dont know whether i want to put this in or not now.
im excited for brian to respond. i just asked him if he was busy on the twelvth, but still, my question depends on his answer...funny how that works.
so im mad. first of all the highlight of my day, as ive told many people, is the fact that on the consumer management final i knew what per capita meant because "caput" means "head" in latin. so therefore, per capita means per person, or literally, per head. sad really, that it was the most exciting part of my day.
i realised that my parents are ridiculously irresponsible with their money. i cant get my wisdom teeth pulled until april (they really hurt) because my mum has to wait for tax returns. my dad said i cant go to a college that costs much cuz we cant afford it.
all good and well i would say...if only our house wasnt worth so much...and we didnt have a BMW in the garage next to the motorcycle. he has a company car that he's been driving because he fired the guy who used to drive it. so why in the world are we not using that money? gah. last time we got a big tax return, instead of using it to cover the bills and stop complaining about stuff, my parents painted the fucking house!
i think they need to take the consumer management class.
i also realised thats its odd how easily one is replaced.
i think its odd. i try to think of one item that i wouldnt give up for my friend's life. no items come to mind. i would give my own life even for someone who i dont know that well. how odd it is to say "you have made it to that level where you are more important than my guitar/all worldly possessions". i would think that friendship includes that, but then again, thats probably just me.
i also found out that im whiny, and annoyingly opinionated. somehow, that feeling that brian gave me a couple a weeks ago when he said that i was "tiny" as in width-wise is all gone now cuz hearing your friends say that.....its....well its kinda tough to take. i figure ill shut up about much now.
oh i dont know im just not doing so well. i cant stop eating which just makes me feel huge and then i weighed myself and the whole five pounds i lost a couple of weeks ago (at all state) are back and they brought five of their friends.
yes...no pity...am telling you all. i hate that. "oh im sorry...." i hate that...dont bother.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 18 January :: 3.36pm
:: Mood: envious
:: Music: "the nightmare before xmas"
hm...
so...twice now ive been told that im more important than worldly possessions. doesnt that make me feel good? hmm...
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mudpiegrl
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2005 2 January :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: incubus
finally on!
woo. my computer downstairs isnt working and ive been wanting to write in here but too lazy to come upstairs.
so...finishing portfolio. tmro is loading day and then i leave yay!
new years sucked. just like xmas. neil was drinking....yea la de da cuz im not with him. but i have a feeling he was lying to me when he was at school.
so that sucked.
and i didnt do anything...that sucked too
oh well...
you know those time when you feel like you just need a week away from it all.
i actually get it this time.
yay.
okie...portfolio so i can get into college time.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 26 December :: 12.45pm
:: Mood: sad
we broke up.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 25 December :: 12.54pm
So this Christmas eve hasn’t been all that bad. It really was….not so much that I hate it. I suppose it could have been a lot worse. Had I not spent the day with jen, I would have liked to see neil more than I did, you know, as if he were my boyfriend rather than seeing him less than campy. Not that I don’t like campy, just…oh if you don’t get it now don’t worry about it.
I did a lot of thinking today. Im going to talk to neil and tell him how I feel….i hope the response is not “I hate when you get yourself so upset about this.” Or “don’t be mad at me.” I don’t think I could feel any sadder than I am in this situation, and so if the worst should happen in our relationship, then I don’t think I could feel much worse.
I think ill regret it no matter what I do though.
Oh well. Nothing good could be enjoyed if nothing bad was suffered.
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 December :: 4.36pm
so merry christmas eve.
i hate christmas.
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