Aaron

Anyone up for a bath?
Now I want you all to think. Think as hard as you can...shut your eyes (because I know you can do that and still read this. Remember, you are special!) think about what it must have been like for you the first time you looked in a mirror and realized that you were looking at yourself? well...that's how I was when I saw this pic pat found...under suicide. You see, there was a night on which I took all the knives, scizors, razors, and anything else I could cut myself with that was in my house, sat on my kitchen floor and laid them out in a nice neat pile. I organized them, looked at them, tested the edge. I guess I was looking to see if they "suited" my purpose-if they were worthy of claiming my life. I see that picture and see me. My blood all over, women screaming, weeping. Men cursing, sobbing, breaking things. the sirens, the people stepping into the street to see my severed body being pulled away on a stretcher, the blood of thousands of deep wounds soaking through the cloth pulled over my corpse. tears won't save me now, nor will fear. I hate myself more than anything. And the love that delayed my leave...has vanished. I guess this was coming anyway. all you did was stall it. I am happy it happened. now as my soul plays about the clouds and watches you grow, fall in love for the last time. The soul with you on your wedding day. the soul that will never leave your side, that will turn it's face when it feels shame, but never leave. I...I...I love you.


Am I plaining anything? Of course! What's you think would happen? I'd just live like this? with this inky wall in front of me? Hell. No. Selfish? Oh no, I'll tell you what's selfish. Someone wanting me around for their own selfish personal reasons while I suffer every minute in pain. I hate the world we live in. I hate who I am, I hate me so fucking much. I want to die...I want to pulverize myself, slowly, painfully, hear my own screams of agony as I suffer and die. My emotions...so powerful. so intense. all my councilors say so. so does anyone else who has any idea who I am. my emotions are hundreds of times more intense than our societies average-especially junior high. I hate hwo superficial things are. Oh, punk and prep. What the hell is Punk? Prep? who gives a flying fuck of a shit in a goddamn frozen over hell???? I sure don't!!! goddamnit, dress like a fucking whore for all I care! wear your damn abercrombie! You know Abercrombie and Fitch owns Hot Topic, right? it's all so pointless! IT'S ALL SO IN VAIN!!!! SURE NOW YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, BUT ONE DAY THAT WON'T BE TRUE!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT??? YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO FUCKING SOLID YOU CAN COUNT ON IT??? YOUR PAST WON'T EVER BE AHEAD OF YOU! NO!!! IT'S ALWAYS THERE! IT WON'T EVER LEAVE YOU, NOT IN A TRILLION YEARS!!!! DOESN'T ANYONE SEE THAT??? I FEEL LIKE MEG GAVE ME CRAZY PILLS, NOT PROZAC! WE DON'T HAVE FOREVER!!! -takes deep breathe- okay, the point is, you all can sit on your lazy asses and let all the events that will affect your future unfold without your control or consent, fine by me. personally, I'm going to stand up and get. something. done. your guys are going NOWHERE! not if you think nyou have a whole lot of time. It'll run out faster than you think.and as you sit there, old and wrinkled, on your deathbed, you're going to be thinking "oh dammit, that kid wasn't insane, I should've done something about my problems when I had the chance!" but no, it's too late. It'll all be set in stone. and you will be fucked right up the ass. we all have problems. trust me. I have problems I don't think you'll ever learn of. things I get counsiling for that would bend your brain to new hieghts, make you gag and beg for no more. In the immortal words of John Mcguire: I have stories that would make you cry. don't tell me you know what I'm going through. you have no idea....

Point (finally) : you have shit...all of you. I see it everyday. I see you hurt, I see you scream and kick inside of yourself. well...not all of you. This is mainly directed at Tori, Morgan, and Alex (Bergh). but anyway...don't deny it. you know I'm right. you know you hurt. I know you look at people and wonder how the hell they were so lucky that they got it all together. How they can be so goddamn happy. what makes them so fucking special. Solution: well...there are a few.

I: talk to someone! an adult, preferably. doesn't have to be your parents, or anyone you know. Counsilors, parents of friends, teachers, anyone. make them your true support system, let them know who you really are. now, no one person can be an entire support system you'll need at least two or three...but chances are you won't be leaning that hard on anyone person right off the bat anyway. so pick someone and move on to your next "victim". don't discontinue anyone for no reason. that is not good for either person.
II: Anti-depressants- well, to gert your hands on these, you'll need to talk to a counsilor. ok, I have serious depression problems, anxiety problems, and sleep disurbances. not to mention I'm obsessive compulsive, paranoid, and I halucinate. Thenwe can go on to the dissassociative part and all fo that. point being, they have a drug for everyone of those things and about a thousand more.

III: Psych-ward/intensive counciling. now normally you'll either have to pay large amounts of money or pass some requirments test, but if you can get in to one of these, they will help you. Psych wards are usually a couple of weeks. intensive counceling centers and rehab shelters are expensive and usually have a four month minimum. not to mention you are cut off from the world for the most part while you're there. so there you have it folks, more later.

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