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aaron
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2008 3 January :: 6.35am
:: Mood: peaceful
Yesterday was really, really good.
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mudpiegrl
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2007 15 December :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: the refrigerator
::edit:: whenever i make plans period, they fall apart.
and then i'm disappointed...big surprise.
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mudpiegrl
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2007 9 December :: 12.52am
It has been forever since I've written in here.
For everyone else, too, I checked.
I just need to vent about boys, I guess. It's easier to have my mind on that than the fact that I'll probably fail all my classes.
Why is it when I am bold enough to make plans with guys I'm interested in, they blow up at me? And why do I keep falling for everyone?
First was Whit in the summer from Redmoon.
Then it was sort of Mark
Then sort of Charlie
and now Axel (Frank) for sure.
Couldn't tell you why. But it'd be nice to actually have something come out of it.
A relationship, maybe.
It's probably the thing I need most right now. Despite how close Faith and I are, I know she'll find someone more interesting to spend all her time with and then I'll be searching for someone to grasp onto, just like always.
I know why Frank is the new one. He's playful. I miss having someone to play with. We got in a snow fight on Wednesday and he's always teasing and it's fun. I miss that.
Maybe an update later. I'm super behind in EVERYTHING!
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aaron
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2007 7 November :: 8.04am
I feel like I should write something, for tradition's sake. I feel like the cliches should boil out of my skin and flow down to my finger tips, tattooing some private page with dreams of unfathomable perfection.
I wait, yet nothing comes. The difference, perhaps?
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aaron
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2007 2 November :: 10.21am
As flattered as I was by all the comments you guys left about Kirsten and I, I was getting a little weirded out.
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aaron
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2007 29 October :: 10.19am
Watered by the blood of martyrs, blessed and blind as sons and daughters. Sleep with one eye open, live with both eyes shut. So let's find the place where sight begins and see the things that we saw when our eyes were bright and wet against the light.
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aaron
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2007 19 October :: 6.34am
It was a paralysis inducing beauty. I couldn't go.
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aaron
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2007 18 October :: 7.42am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Grace can still be found in the Gale. With fear and reverence raise your ragged sail.
I skipped to class to watch the sunrise
My romanticism will be the end of me.
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aaron
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2007 4 October :: 11.54pm
:: Music: Firebreather
What just happened to me defies all logic.
I'm totally torn in two. All truths funnel into two completely contradictory realities, neither of which I can avoid.
I love. I love. I love.
What does that mean exactly? There is a chemical cocktail coursing through my brain? There's an airy feeling in my chest?
No. No euphoria. Totally unconventional. A quiet wind, whispering constantly.
But these words make no sense! How am I to decipher that which is inconceivable? By believing one, I prove the other. And if I do not believe the one, I curse myself to the other which cannot be thereby fulfilled in my devices.
But it's not by my devices, is it?
This flesh is not my own
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aaron
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2007 1 October :: 8.20am
:: Music: Digital Sea
I woke, cold and alone,
adrift in the open sea;
caught up in regrets,
and tangled in nets,
instead of your arms wrapped around me.
And I wept but my tears are anathema here,
just more water to fill my lungs.
I hear someone scream,
"God what is it we have done?"
I am drowning in a digital sea;
Here my voice goes, to ones and zeros,
I'm slipping beneath the sound.
A song from somewhere below,
deadly and slow begins.
Both sickly and sweet,
now picking up speed,
and ushering in the world's end.
And the ghost of Descartes screams again in the dark,
"Oh how could I have been so wrong?"
But above the screams still the sirens sing their song.
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aaron
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2007 27 September :: 8.55pm
Happy birthday journal.
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aaron
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2007 5 September :: 10.03pm
I need to stop listening to music. It messes with my head when I'm trying to write.
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aaron
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2007 5 September :: 9.36pm
"duuuude.
I assume you are making reference to the incident of the, ahem, "creamy concoction."
or wait, are you talking about. . . uhh. . . the cruise!?!?
thats going to be so fucking awesome.
I MEAN SO FUCKING AWESOME!!
i can't even scream loud enough to depict how awesome that cruise is going to be, let alone how much i shit my pants every time i think about it.
YES.
and also, we will try to hit on the flight attendants. just to be douhcebags. Because you know what you can't get kicked off of?
an airplane."
haha, thanks alex
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aaron
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2007 30 August :: 10.27pm
17 years gets shorter everyday.
"And though my experience is feeble, I've come to find that life is best lived away from the things we know best. I don't believe that time heals all things. But over time, we rub shoulders with enough people we can't help but love that eventually the holes get filled in. There are enough good memories to hem the bad one's in such a way that they start to matter less. They bring revelations long after the wound has faded, teaching us the lessons we wish so desperately we had been taught before.
It is one thing to love someone because we want to. When we find that we can't avoid loving someone, it something entirely different. Like slamming into a concrete wall that circumnavigates the earth. This love triumphs over pain, over passion, over hatred and malice. It shatters the darkness and lays waste to our blindness. There is no greater love than this; that a man should lay down his life for his friend."
These last three years have taught me a lot about who I really am. About what I love, and what my capacity for love is. It wasn't until I was sitting on top of that mountain telling 16 people, most of them strangers, that the Paul of three years ago would never dream that he'd one day become me that I realized how true it is. It doesn't make sense that I have become this person. That I ever grew up. I was so far gone, so very dead...how is it that I came to love life? How is it I came to love people? Me? The bitter, cold, broken child of that spring? I wanted nothing more than to watch this world burn. Now I would die to keep it alive. How did I change so damn much? I feel like I'm the second person to live in this body.
"Poignancy is the fabric of our brilliance."
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aaron
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2007 1 August :: 10.47pm
Contact
I'm so tired of being jocular about these sort of things.
Hanging out with Michael too much made me insecure in my solemnity. I need to do a little less leaching, no?
It's just as well. I'm making progress.
I've had a couple small breakthroughs lately, and then today I had my biggest one. I almost called Roberts and told him, but then it solidified itself by preventing me from doing so. A shimmering thread in my mind, victorious and alone. It's loneliness does nothing but cause it to shine all the brighter. A proud entity, the fruit of my labor. It's an amazing sensation. This must be what it's like to be raised from the dead. Feeling life trickle back into your being. And it's still there. It will always be there, the first real permanent structure in my being.
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