squallet
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2009 11 September :: 1.38am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Fight Inside" by Red
Air guitar, shooting star!
Alrighty there people, it's time for an update on my day!
Basically, I've never seen more of a complete 180 of a day in my life.
This morning I felt HORRIBLE. Then I texted Mike a little bit, and he helped me feel a little better by telling me that once me and Jim move in together and get things settled, things will probably be a lot smoother between us. I thought it through and figured that he was probably right.
Still, the rest of the day, I couldn't help but still feel like Jim's feelings for me weren't what they used to be. :\
So I get a call from Tawny because she needed a ride home from her friend's house. No big. I gave her one. Then after that, me and my dad headed out to my sister's house because it was her birthday today. We didn't really stay long, but we brought her a cake and hung out there for a few minutes, just to see her and tell her happy birthday.
Then my dad makes me drive home. Mind you, I LOVE driving, just not with him. He's the one that taught me how to drive, so I feel nervous driving with him. That and he critiques everything I do. >.> I know how to not ram into other cars on the highway, thank you very much.
Still, things were okayish. By the time I got home, Mike was there to pick me up so we could go hang out with John. Those two make my days so much brighter. Though Mike showed me some scars today that I didn't really like... :< If I catch him doing that again, I'm going to punch him! lol.
So yeah, we all went over John's house for a little bit and played with Mike's telescope again. He didn't totally mess it up this time! It was because this time, John and I didn't let him touch anything. Last time he played with the levers, he killed the moon. o.o
But before we went outside and played with the telescope, I ended up [accidentally] ditching them for an hour to talk to Jim on the phone. Why? Because I needed to. The way things have been lately, I REALLY needed to talk things out with him. And you know what? After I did, things seemed to get MUCH better. Jim was being really nice, and he was making me laugh, and it was just a great feeling. I asked him how he felt and he said he felt that I was stupid for worrying about how he feels. So I asked him again, and told him to be serious this time, and he told me that he loves me from the bottom of his heart, and that he always wants to be with me, and that he can't wait to move away with me so we can be on our own together. Yes, it made me aww.
So I told him how I've been feeling, he told me how he felt, admitted to being a little off since last week, and now he seems to be back to his normal, happy, dorky self. I'm expecting a call from him in the morning, so I'm going to go get some sleep. I also need to sleep as much as I can, seeing as how me, Mike, and John are going to try to stay out as late as we possibly can tomorrow night. That will be fun! Hopefully it'll take my mind off of the fact that Jim will be hanging out with his ex. >.> Sure, she's married now, and they'll probably be hanging out with her husband, but it still makes me feel REALLY awkward, especially seeing as how he nearly slept with her. Nyeh, I'd rather not think about it. *shudders* Thinking about him like that with anyone else just makes me cringe. I'm sure he'd feel the same way if I told him I was hanging out with Josh. It would lead to him thinking about my past with him, and he'd probably cringe too. But Mike and John are pretty amazing at making everything epic, so keeping my brain occupied shouldn't be a problem.
Until then, hasta la see ya! :P
~ Squallet
I'm doing everything
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squallet
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2009 10 September :: 11.54am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "Soul Sacrifice" by Entwine
Hooray for lameness!
The past few days have been completely lame. Worse than lame. They've been just completely unbearable. I've never felt more like dying than I have in the past few days, and trust me, I'm usually a pretty optimistic person. >.>
Ever since Jim left on Sunday, things have been pretty horrible. It seems that the only time I'm finding any sense of joy in life is when I'm spending time with Mike and John. Thank God for them, because if I didn't have them right now, I don't know what I'd do.
Things have been COMPLETELY off since yesterday. My cell phone broke, so Jim and I decided that I should go to the Sprint store to see about getting a new one and renewing my contract, etc. He wanted them to charge it to his account but they couldn't do that, so I needed money up front. I ran home to see if I could borrow the money from my dad before the store closed. So he loaned me the $200 I needed, and Jim went and put $200 in my bank account so I could pay my dad back the next day, since he needed it for rent. Mind you, I'm paying Jim back in full as soon as I can.
Then things get fun! :D I start to play with the phone, which is the LG Rumor2, and realize "HEY! I can't take video on this thing anymore!", like I could do with the original Rumor. That right there was a MASSIVE bummer. And then I realized "Hey, without video on here, I can't have my own ringtones like I used to be able to!" On top of it all, I sold my original Rumor back to them for $24, which isn't a bad deal considering that I couldn't even get it to turn on, really. But then I realized that I had saved texts from Jim in there that meant a lot to me, some that were about a year old when we first got back together and he actually used to tell me sweet things. Anytime I looked through those, they always made me smile. Now they're gone, and I'll probably never hear some of those things again. I just don't even think he wants to be with me anymore sometimes.
Don't rush off! It gets even better! :D Ever since I got the phone, I get to feel like Jim hates me. I didn't know what the fuck to do. We agreed that I should try to go get that phone, because he knew that without a cell phone, he wouldn't be able to talk to me, seeing as how my house phone doesn't work and we don't have long distance. Wtf? If I'd known he was going to be such an ass about it, I wouldn't have fucking gotten the new phone. You know what? I don't even fucking want it anymore. He can have it and give it to someone he likes, because obviously I don't fall into that category anymore. I know he's frustrated with everything, trying to get ready to move with me and everything, and he says that's really the only thing he's looking forward to, which made me smile a bit. But still, shouldn't I feel like I'm more important to him than his wallet? :\
I don't even know what to do with all of it right now. I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship with him anymore. It feels more like we're just two people who are stuck together, not two people who want to be together. I just really hope I'm wrong about that. :<
On top of that, I got home last night from spending a little time with John and Mike, trying to feel better from such a crappy night. I talked to Jim for a little bit, still feeling like he hates me, and then I started to pass out. What then? My dad comes into my room and starts bitching at me, while I'm sleeping, about how I was supposed to work on something when I got home. What? MY OWN MUSIC. Dude. It's like... It's MY song. I can't just work on music on command. He wants me to get it done so that my mom will stop complaining about wanting to hear it when it's finished. So he didn't help me feel any better.
In conclusion, I feel like a massive waste of space right now, who nobody wants anything to do with. Yay? Well, that's not true. I have Mike and John. They like me, most days. xD
One thing did cheer me up a little today. I got a message from this really nice guy that I haven't heard from in a while. It didn't say anything especially nice, but he said that he appreciated the time and thought that went into this really long message that I sent him yesterday. I've missed talking to him so much. He always made my worst days a little better. Anyway, he still needs time to think over what I said, so I'm not getting any immediate responses, but that's good enough for me. Just hearing from him made things a little better, even though at first I was terrified to see that he responded. I was expecting him to be all "Rawr! I hate you!" or something. o.o
And STILL no job. WONDERFUL!! I need one ASAP!! Maybe once I pay Jim back, he'll go back to liking me again. >.>
Whatever.
~ Squallet
I'm doing everything
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2009 5 September :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: blank
Bitching solves nothing.
I'm sick of bitching and the aftermath. I'm such a sour person sometimes.
Sorry, guys.
I should feel lucky. I have a job, a future, a few bucks..
I'm trying to keep things on the bright side from now on. Without prozac. Without bitching. Without jumping to conclusions, etc.
Clean the damn slate.
3 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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2009 3 September :: 5.02pm
It's in your face,
It's in your hands,
It's in the air,
But you can't breath it.
You're not the one I used to know.
Gone to your head..
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I'm not sure I know what to do at this point. I start Baker in a few weeks, and I'm not completely sure what I want. At all.
For anything right now.
My mom put a bid on a house two days ago. I'm on the mortgage, so it's supposed to be exciting. We're probably going to get it. Hopefully.
I still miss Holland, and sometimes I still wonder what might of happened if I were to never move here. The memories are always nice.
I saw Alicia yesterday. I missed her. I don't see her as much as I should.
I almost quit Arby's. It's impossible to leave..
I've been feeling anxious again lately. I can't figure it all out again.
It's definitely getting old. I hate my reoccuring thoughts, as I always have.
I want contentment. And, it's my issue.
8 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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squallet
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2009 3 September :: 8.01am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: "Keep Your Heart Broken" by The Rasmus <3
YAY!!! Finally!!!
For the first time in weeks, I actally managed to sleep through the night! :D
No, staying up through the entire day yesterday didn't happen. I ended up passing up at around 3 PM. But then I woke up at 8 PM so I was still a little tired. Called Jim, talked, FlyFFed. Then I began to pass out again around 2 AM, so I took advantage of it, got off the computer, laid down, and managed to fall back asleep. I woke up this morning at about 7:30 AM feeling pretty good. I was just super excited to wake up and actually see the SUN RISING!! :D
Ahh, The Rasmus. My all-time favorite band. <3 I REALLY wish that they would come back to the US. They haven't played here, meaning in my city specifically, since October 2006. :< They just finished touring for their latest album, Black Roses, a month or so ago with their last shows played over in Europe. Right now they're taking a small break to spend some time to themselves. The duet that they did with Anette Olzon of Nightwish should be out soon. Yay! I'm SO looking forward to that. :D
They're also working on some material and might even have another album out by 2010. Let's just hope that more shows are coming up soon and that they decide to come to the US! Something that I never thought possible has happened! I've actually turned some of my friends into fans of The Rasmus! When I started listening to them, nobody really knew who they were. Ever since Black Roses came out, I've been trying to gain them some recognition here. And now, I finally have a small group of people who definitely want to go see them with me the next time they play a show here, including Mike, Tawny, and Ashley. :D
That... is just the freakin' coolest thing ever. Now, they just need to actually play a show here before I move to Arizona! D: If they don't, I AM coming back to Ohio just to see them play here, for the record. I'll just use that "I'm visiting my parents" excuse. Lmao! Nah, I probably will come visit them when that happens. ^^
On another note, I've made a goal for myself. It's a goal that I've already had, but that I've sort of lost sight of. I did a little research yesterday, and determined that if I can burn 500 more calories than I take in every day, I can be down to my target weight in about one year. I could probably do more than that, considering that I don't really eat enough as it is, but it suggests that that's really not a good thing to do. Also, my BMR is 1700, so my body apparently has to take in 1700 calories a day to function properly.
Thus, my goal is to take in those 1700 calories every day, hopefully in food that is on the healthier side, and then to burn 2200+ calories a day through working out and other everyday activities. I used to work out several times a week, but I haven't really been doing so much of it lately.
I have a bike path right across the street from me that stretches on forever, so I'd like to walk/jog/run over there every day. Perhaps break it up and go for a jog in the morning, and then another later on in the evening. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do in the winter. My sister has an elliptical machine, but she's usually busy, so I can't get over there every day. It won't be so much of a problem once I move to Arizona, except then I'll have to worry about the summer... Lmao! In addition to that cardio work, I'd like to do a few additional excercises to target certain areas. I need to find myself some dumbbells. o.o
So yeah, I'm going to start keeping track of what I eat and everything, and I'm going to work on getting a scheduled routine together. I'm actually pretty excited to get this planned out. I just hope everything goes according to plan! :P
~ Squallet
I'm doing everything
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