angel_bob
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2008 9 December :: 10.40pm
All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.
The cat is both dead and alive.
1 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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xxxxxxxxxx
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2008 8 December :: 5.08pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: Dave Gahan - Kingdom
I'm actually feeling pretty good today, among all the other days in which.. well, I didn't.
But yeah. Today's okay. I don't know if it's the holiday-season thing setting in, because usually that puts me in a decent mood. The snowed-in for the night feeling, and the good 'ol hot chocolate to warm up with. Okay, I got it from Starbuck's, but it works!! I think Swiss Miss is better anyway.
I've got most of my Christmas shopping done. Just need to make a few more stops, and then I'm all set. I've spent wayyy too much money. And I think I'm going to start saving up for the camera I want, as a little x-mas present for myself. :P I'm starting to irritate myself with all the sitting and 'not knowing what to do-ing," so I figure a camera will do the trick.
Has anyone else thought about how old we've all gotten recently? I start thinking about it around the end of the year each and every year. I guess it's hard not to. I just feel.. not like a kid, yet kind of like a kid. I'm on the edge, you know? It's weeeeird. I'm in college, I've got a car, I've got a job, and some money, but hey, at least I still live with my mom! It keeps me grounded, haha. Sometimes I just feel like I should have did more to enjoy my childhood. Not like.. 2 years ago, I mean when I was a lot younger. It's just hard to think about when I sit here, and want so badly for it to come back to me. But if things were different back then, then there would be change in the present, and I don't think I'd much want that either. So, I guess I'm at a loss.
I just miss Christmas at Grandma's.
Not the housing-unit she's in now, but HER house. The beautiful red-brick's against the pure white snow. The smell of freshly baked cookies and spiced candles when you walked through the door on Christmas morning. Everyone was happy, everyone wanted to give you the world. No one was hurting in any way, they made it all disappear for that one special day. Presents piled under her signature white christmas tree, with the glistening red lights and velvet ornaments. All the smiles, and the laughter rang throughout. Sitting beneath the tree with my cousins, trying to guess what each present was.
I guess to me, it just doesn't feel real anymore. The only thing I get from it now is a faint feeling sparked from my grandma's warm smile when she greets me at the door of her 1 bedroom apartment. We eat, unwrap the presents, and everyone rushes out. They all have better things to do, I suppose. It just makes me wonder 'what if'?
But hey, things are this way for a reason, right?
I hope so.
2009, please bring me good change.
More of my friends, more of the things that matter, and more unfading happiness.
More of this:
.. If anything at all, just give me something beautiful to grow from the grey.
2 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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skippi16
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2008 4 December :: 7.59pm
so yesturdays woe is now turned into happiness cause i have 2 interviews on Monday!!! yay things can look up.
1 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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skippi16
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2008 3 December :: 10.03pm
Is there anything more stupid...
so today was one of the worst days of my life.... for one single reason, my ass got fired from ponderosa... for some of the fucking dumbest reasons ever!! there is an underlying reason of the company going under and i was one of the highest payed employee's and i think they were makin up a bunch of bullshit so they could get rid of me but its official i am jobless, and right before xmas.
its a fresh start yes, but i can be out of a job, i have bills to pay too.
I'm doing everything
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caity_024
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2008 2 December :: 11.05pm
I'm drastically overwhelmed.
*I'm dead broke....broker than broke...in severe debt broke.
*I have too much homework to do and no motivation to do it.
*I'm worried about getting a good internship with my shitty grades.
*I don't know if i'm going to pass physics.
*I'm unmotivated to do anything, really.
*I'm fat. Gross. Ok, not FAT, but pudgy.....and lazy.
*Eric is moving to Arizona.....fairly soon i think.
*I don't know how to help him heal.
*I'm freaking out about grad schools and internships...i know i said internships twice...i'm that freaked out.
*I feel like I don't have enough time in my day.
I hate when I have these freakouts. They make me unable to concentrate or do anything productive. I wish I was 10 again. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. I'm so broke I'm worried that my banks are going to start dropping me :-(. Can they do that? I've been so sick and missing work and going home that extra time.....not good for my wallet. It's really rather scary.
I'm so freaked out about my classes, yet i continue to slack off. I don't know WHY i can't get motivated. :-(
I feel sooooooooo lazy. I've been home since 5 pm, took a nap, and cleaned my room....watched house....and that's pretty much it. And looked at some scholarship information. I just don't understand why i can't get with it. So much for living my life. I'm just floating through it. And it just keeps hitting me in the face. I'm 21 years old....and I'm sitting around on my ass doing NOTHING right now. I feel like i'm taking life for granted over and over again.....
I keep getting angry with Joe.....angry and then sad and then angry for being angry. I still can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't fully process. And those few moments where it does, suck. He's not coming back. No more silly smile, goofy late night conversations about movies and music. No more watching him and Eric interact.....i loved to just watch them. They were so crazy, funny, bizarre, perfectly happy. Well maybe not perfect, but happy. That's when I get angry. Angry that he left....that he's gone and won't come back. Angry that Eric has to live his life without his best friend by his side, angry that Joe left so many people that love him. Is that selfish??? And then worst of all, I get angry at him because I'm hopeless....I can't make Eric smile like Joe could, can't get him out of a rut with some crazy ass antic. And I don't know what to do....because this is the one thing Joe would be able to help Eric with, help him through, be there for him as a friend and a brother.....it's not supposed to be like this. They're supposed to still be causing hell. Joe was supposed to find a girl cooler than me, get married and have a ton of little boys.....I hate that I won't get to see that.....hate that I have to wait years and years and years to see him again. If there's a God, why would he take away someone like Joe? Someone that good and that amazing just shouldn't die. Not until they're old and wrinkled and spent from a full life.
And I'm still at a loss helping Eric. I just want to take his pain away and I can't, I can't even touch it. I don't know what to do...I can get him to laugh, to joke, to enjoy life a little, but then there's still that dark dark hurt......and I don't know whether to talka bout it or not....whether to bring it up or leave it alone.
And he's going to Arizona.....on top of everything else. I guess that part i'm LEAST worried about....it's free for me to get out there....but WHY can't I just have him for a little while?? Just me and him again....I feel like we have so long to wait for that. :-( We've been apart for 8 months now....and they've sucked. I miss him so much...miss curling up on the couch with him, laying around on a lazy sunday afternoon, snuggling up close to him at night. I hate crawling into my empty cold bed most days....some days, it is nice....big bed all to myself....but most days i crave him...i want him next to me. I wish I could just be with him, all the time.....is that creepy?? I don't know what I"m going to do....maybe I'll move out to Arizona for the summer.....
I don't want to write any more....instead of boosting my spirits like this usually does....this has just dragged me down.
I'm doing everything
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