I don\'t want to take advice from fools
Wow, just inducted Empire Records into the greatest movies ever list, seen it a million times but tonight it had an impact. Whats with \" today\" today?

Let me get into bed and you can tell me everything
Lately I've been feeling that I'm constantly waiting for something to happen, I hate living like this and I don't know how to take control of myself or situations to enable it to somehow work out.I still wonder if I deserve anything good, maybe i don 't, and it becomes more clear in my head that I don't give anything to get anything in return, I wish I was driven like I used to be I wish I was still excited about things and willing to go through anything to do something. I feel I've lost course, as if I had any at all but maybe I did. I think maybe I change my mind way too much, not so much liek other people but just enough to ruin my life. Even if I did lose course, at least I could be happy about it. Anyway enough sap storys hah I'm such a sap. Anywhoo, last ngiht I hung out at Stacey's it kind of made me envious because they have a cool school(Olympic) with all these colorful personalitys and what can I say Spanish River is nothing compared to that, just a bunch of anal retentive people that freak out if they get B's. I mean its not bad all the time, but it isnt the greatest. I'm going to try to make today a good day ( step 1) haha what a loser am I...its saturday as usual.

Then we can pretend that tis natural
So lately I don't know, life is not beautiful is all i can say. I can't stand to watch things, die especially things that have belonged to me for all my life. I wish I weren't so nosey because then I wouldn't have any ideal about whats going on but i guess its better this way, just making my fall a little less hard, but it still hurts just as bad. I just cant stand how some can not take a good look at themselves and what they are doing to their own image and to the people around them who love them and have to spend every fucking day in their presence and somehow carry on knowing how they fucking betrayed them.How am I carrying on really? I lug through eveyday just wanting to go home and away from the world, yet home is no longer a shelter from the world. Ugh and i can't stand running anymore I need something to inspire me to love it again cause I rea lly dont know how to carry on doing something if I don't like it ugh help! Don't mean to complain, but everyone has a right. Hopefully this pre-transformation will take a swift turn up soon Sarah.

( just so I don't forget)
his hair reminds me of november.

How could beauty come from me
blueyed717: what do you think about love, i know very cliche but i never got your view on that
SincereWakesk8in: what do u mean
blueyed717: like do you think its real or did we all just make it up
SincereWakesk8in: real
blueyed717: why
SincereWakesk8in: i just believe it is
SincereWakesk8in: u need to find someone who makes u happy all the time
SincereWakesk8in: and one u can tell anything to
blueyed717: thats true
blueyed717: soo true
SincereWakesk8in: one that you would die for
SincereWakesk8in: one that shares same interests
SincereWakesk8in: one you miss constantly
SincereWakesk8in: one you smile about just when you're thinking about them
blueyed717: your really right
SincereWakesk8in: yes i know
blueyed717: i never really thought about all of that
blueyed717: so have you ever been in love? do you think
SincereWakesk8in: i dont think so
blueyed717: same here
blueyed717: the sad thing is i dont think i ever will really , i think love is a mutual thing otherwise its jsut an infatuation
SincereWakesk8in: ya i dunno
SincereWakesk8in: i think i will be

::Red and Yellow
::These bloodshot eyes never seem to dry out. Sometimes losing grip of reality, and grip of what is really wrong, what exactly is missing. Alot of things are missing, but what leaves the biggest empty space? Or the deepest wound. As if this heart could be rusting, in withdrawel or perhaps deficency of of that bittersweet emotion. But it\'ll always turn bitter, even the sweetest of things go sour. And in grief, wheres my hand to pull me out? What about my hero? These skys are downcast this morning, its sad to think you\'re brightening up everybody\'s day but my own. I am downhearted, I too want a piece of the pie. And the longest moment I ever lived was in your eyes, isnt that sad? And in a few years I\'ll forget all about this but for now I am begining to realize how far away, close can really feel. Sometimes reality can be so unpromising, thats why I look to irrational endings, hopeful dreams in my mind, hopeful dreams. For now i will stay crouched up in this austere corner, awaiting for this bus that doesn\'t stop in this part of town.

::Prove it to everybody who doesnt understand
:: Hello all, so maybe this weekend is getting better :). Last night Julie slept over and Chase came over at 12 and left at 3. To start with, i LOVE him. He's an interesting topic of discussion because hes not quite like anyone else. The boy is a saint, one of the purest most genuinly kind hearted people I've ever met. I hope it takes him far in life, because it is a beautiful quality and he is beautiful for having it. I feel for the kid I really do, I don't understand why he doesn't have girls lined out the door wanting to go out with him, because although he puts on a smile hes lonely, I can tell, people like him should never be alone, but thats just the type of world we live in . As he told me " I'm always the friend" yea prob in context to Mike, the asshole who gets whatever he wants ugh it makes me sick. It makes me sick of how people can use people such as Chase for rides and stuff because you call him and no matter if your in Fort Lauderdale or anywhere he'll go and get you. And its interesting how someone can turn out like him because his parents are assholes, and crack addicts. And he's straight like completely doesn't drink do drugs or anything, not a man slut at all, hes a frekin saint. I dunno I love him and he deserves someone amazing. Hah ok I'm done. Anyway ugh some people suck seriosuly, don't get me wrong i don't HATE people but some people honestly do suck for how they treat people and turn their backs on the people who care the most, it just sickens me half to death. Tonight, we are going out with Ken, honestly it'll be weird but I know it'll be the best. Sarah is so right, he trys to keep up the facade that he doesn't liek "them", although he does I know he does its sick, he thinks hes so cool, o well hes still my friend I guess, if he can forgive me.

Could you take my picture? Cause I won't remember.
So yea, long time no write, but I am writing. So highlights of the week has been decent, maybe. Rock the River was great though, :). See i've been thinking lately, about things that just arent fair. I hate how everything is never in between, for example maybe but this is off but in relationships, you are either the one who hurts and the one who is being hurt, its always that kind of crap and its a joke. Mike says its life but I say its just not fair. Why can't anything just be in between why cant things jsut workout soemtimes, in a sense of meant to be, because it takes alot for things to be meant to be, maybe thats whats so good about it. I also after figured out a valuable lesson this week that I think many should know, to not intentionally ignore people. I've intentionally ignored quite possibly one of the best friends I've had for a few months and now realize how gdamn stupid that was. Convincing myself I don't care, yea right, so what if hes terrible I still miss him. The truth is, if you truely dont care you wouldn't ignore soemone, it takes alot of energy to just ignore, like completely, someone you know almost everything about, its so hard to pretend but I did. I thought maybe I'd prove something, I'm not sure I did, and if I did , it was jsut how much of a fool I am. All I'm saying is when you amke the decision to deny someone's existence, its because you love the, really ironic and weird twist of fate but its true, you care really you do. And its sad, because it felt good, I wont lie, it felt wonderful to talk again, really its exactly what I've been missing. NEVER throw a friendship away never. Just stick it through cause obviously if you connect in someway its worth everything. Yea connecting with people, I swear thats priceless. I dunno all valuable lessons, also I love guys that are in bands, I swear it drives me crazy when I see people so passinate about things, and you can tell when they are and arent to, you soo can. Anyway I was talking to Sarah about it, I swear I like fall in love no joke,. I.E. starting line haha sarita. I just find soemthign really wonderful sbout it, partly because I wish it was me up there doing my thang you know? I don't really have a thang to do but I know if I could pick anything to do it would be that. I dunno music is great, it really is, it may be the source of all my problems but it sure is worth it. Anyway umm more life's lessons wow this was a big week. I need to break more barriers, get to know more people, cool people( not in the shallow sense), gosh I'll never be cool( again not in the Shallow sense hah), this year I promised myself I'd meet so many new awesome people hah, its all my fault though im to alzy, but then again im not im just to unconfident to try. More confidence would be good, but then that would make me differnt. See everything is always to the extremity, I'll never be confident because that would make me differnt, yet being unconfident will leave me nothing. Ahh life is great.guy at pac sun = green eyes, i suggest all you ladies check him out,and when you find out tuff about him let me know, hah my stalker self. Well I am done..maybe not just done for the moment. " I've been thinking about chairs, they are amazing, I mean without them where would we sit?"

:: You can't live on Carmel Frappacinos for the rest of your life.
Well tonight was semi-interesante. I went to the soccer game witht he Alex's, Mae, Michelle, Matt, Mickey, and Ryan. Ryan is such a sweetheart, Mickey is very lucky she got him, while he is very lucky to have Mickey. We went to the movies to see Just Married, very cute, VERY cute indeed. Eww Matt kept ( like) coming onto me, it was quite horrifying, I decided, not that I have much reference that its bad to " come on" to somebody, if you know what you wanna do just try it, the worst that can happen is you being turned down. Eww makes me sick to my stomache. I saw Luke ( nice, black guy from track last year, thye absolute sweetest) he goes to pbcc now, he pinched my cheeks ( awwe) yea what a great guy, the male version of Chase. Went to jamba juice and got my flava and came home. yes thats about it. I am really in the mood for a concert. good night though, interesting but good. goodbye.

p.s. I am going to die... of carmel frappacinos.

Unfinished
And just like this you can leave, leave everything unpolished with wanting. Leave with the scent of incompleteness still in the air. Rough and rude and your lacking everything that you once were.
Immature, being careless and ignorant to leave everything half-done, if not broken. These erratic moods leave me disconnected. Reflecting though, your just defective. To bad you cant be returned and fixed to made perfect, because you have that capacity, its sad that you have that capacity. But these seconds are short, and sick, subnormal almost. And all I'm wanting is to return to that where you where flawless, intact, and sound when you were unbroken. And all I'll ever be is not enough, and you'll always be my hero. Yes I'm just the unequal, unsatisfactory, weak and wanting ever present..person. And... you'll always be my hero.

He kept telling her she had aristocratic hands. That killed me.
Well, only two more days left to spend in New Jersey, let me attempt to summarize the trip so far. Well the highlights of course was experiencing a white Christmas, how beautiful it was, so practically the whole duration of my stay I was able to see snow. How grand. Yesturday we went into the city, we met up with these people under the tree at Rockafella center and then took a subway to downtown, where the world trade center used to be. It is actually coming along down there, we went to this restaurant and we're 90% sure that we saw David Bowie, in fact he spoke a few word's to the person that we were with. " Who the hell cares about that" gotta love David Bowie. It was funny because that was my first impression of the guy before i knew, like he reminds me of David Bowie.maha. Well anyways the winter Gardens have all been rebuilt and are very beautiful, and we were able to view the new plans for the rebuilding of the world trade center. Very interesting indeed. I saw my pals Leeat and Kally, gotta love them 2, had a wonderful Chrismtas, got fat, and all in all had a wonderful stay :). On another note, I just finished one of the best books I have ever read. The Catcher in the Rye, ugh its wonderful all you read it. I'd love to marry the guy in the book if I were ever to get married. Its wonderful, very insightful, VERY insightful. Well New Year's is coming up I think I will make it my resolution to do things I have never done/ tried before, in other words Spice up my life, maha how cliche. Woohu I got the ataris cd, and can't wait till Sarah and I buy our presents/CDs, goodbye all and all you read Catcher in the rye now. LOve!

p.s. I love Forest Gump " If you ever need me, I won't be far away".

:: I suck and have a iq of 0.
:: Yes indeed turns out i didnt get the A, what a dumbass am I, the whole frekin class got a's, I am a failure blahhh. I am trying to do stuff to get my mind off of the failureness of I. Ugh I jsut realized theres nothing good about me at all, nothing special nothing good, and who'd ever want me because well I suck. I am looking forward to going to Newjersey which I am leaving for sunday, good Im feed up and need to get away.

::ahh
:: Ugh life will suck for just more day! I'm not going to sleep tonight because of a bitch named a.p. world, yes I need an A.Uyy.