:: 2004 1 December :: 9.47 pm

Sweethurt
the bicentenials

today i got high, then i got low. im going through withdrawel. i feel miserable. how could this be?

technology builds us up so it can break us down even more.

intoxication. i dont even know anymore. my floor changes so often now.

tell me..

:: 2004 28 November :: 3.03 pm

convincing you that you are going to be okay.

tell me..

:: 2004 23 November :: 6.03 pm

depressed polynomial

can't change the world. accept the bad and take advantage of the good. no sense no logic, stop trying. move on- its the biggest fuck you ever.

tell me..

:: 2004 10 November :: 10.26 am

- only a picturesque metaphor

- looks like infinity to me

White tigers are not an actual species, but a genetic quirk, and would be unlikely to survive in the wild. They have no camouflage, so would be obvious to their prey and an easy target for hunters. At present there are few, if any, in the wild.

So much for all the promises you made me.

tell me..

:: 2004 2 November :: 6.38 pm

note: start a band called "weak days".

1 time | tell me..

:: 2004 8 October :: 4.59 pm

We can walk around walk around
And you lead me to an alley way
and kick me till i am blue..
well im getting used to you

we can talk all night talk all night
until you can't say something new
well im getting used to you

we can go out on the town
and do everything
until theres nothing left to do
well im getting used to you

tell me..

:: 2004 25 September :: 8.36 pm

it was nice waking up next to you.

tell me..

:: 2004 21 September :: 9.52 pm

Just turn that shit off if it bothers you so, its the only logical thing to do.
I mean come on be practical it makes the days shorter, the time go quicker, the sky seem darker, but hey that’s a living.
Stop forgiving, stop thinking, stop drinking, you'll only make yourself sick.
You're sick stop smiling when you don’t want to.
Start crying when you don’t have to.
Stop lying, cause I can't believe anything and I want to know all about you.
Stop craving attention, stop playing into convention.
Stop throwing me away like a piece of trash, or mess me up more cause we may clash
It wants to, it needs to, I need to be hurt so I can be just cold and dark.
I really don’t want to see please cover my eyes it happens all the time but not to me.
Am I hurting you or are you hurting me?
I still can't see- but I think this is me, all along. in this alone every other time is just a clone. Same old song, keeps playing on, keep singing along, I’m not that strong or am i? Begging to be weak.

So ill just keep this static cause I like it- more so because I can’t fight it. i had the choice of better but i like the uncertain, unknown. i like feeling and then being left alone. I still smell cologne, running out of time , I still don’t care. yea sorry about the way I move, and try not to stare cause I’m not all there. but i tell the truth sometimes its hard to find but its all there. Unclear, uncertain, unjust.

this is me splattering paint all over your portrait. sorry i didn’t think it looked quite right, at least in that light but i must say, you can cover my eyes everyday. if you like cause i don’t stand a chance and i wont try to fight. oh i think i might. stop you crazy fuck, have you had enough? stop creating things for yourself that just aren’t there you stare off into space like some mindless nutcase and you just think and think and think the time slow, i can time travel in my thoughts you know. I’m impatient, uncertain, bored, and i hate confrontation. i like and explanation, I like things that urk me so- sorry it had to be you cause this isn’t you its me. its me way of not letting myself see cause in the deep dark unreality there is nothing that’s real but nothing is not real and i really do want to feel, and so i try to steal images and put them next to me. create my own non reality, it may not be much but its a living.

don't you forget that this will only be as long as a song that ill keep letting repeat, on and on. and ill sing the words cause I want to feel them to. I’m seeking out something brand new till i find out it isn’t there. Ill only want it more, drown and end up on shore. get bored of this song and move on. so long, sorry i mistreated you i didnt mean to. you were better off not knowing me for all i know, from a distance one can do no harm. as i cover up my eyes and press disarm.

tell me..

:: 2004 19 September :: 6.48 pm

Nearing the end of summer
Lovesickness, what a bummer
And then you swam to me
from across the sea
I'm watching your motion
This weather's a potion
And you and I
Are just trying to stay warm and dry.

Your pounding on my windows
Flooding in through the cracks
Lighting up my skies
Causing some heart attacks
You may stall
But you never look turn back

Across the Atlantic Ocean
Expected explosions
Due west, you are never too kind
Affect me tonight, and leave me behind
And I'm waiting for fall
But you can't have it all
Your eyes seem to soften
This bedrooms’ a coffin
I wish the power went out more often.

Starry sky serenity
Position uncharted, no coordinates, no validity
You stopped in for only an hour tonight
Then we held on tight
Before you blew us both away
And we'll start to sway
And break apart
Stop- start again
you do so much damage to my heart
How can you be this smart?

And your fury circles
Your lonely Atlantic eyes
Calm where people least expect
Who thought angry winds could hypnotize?

Breaking my windows
Aiming straight for my heart
And you'll finish me up
Before I get to start
And I can't wait for fall
But you can't have it all, you'll say

The world is winning
Why can't you keep spinning?
Breaking you apart but you still keep turning
and my words keep slurring
When your eyes glare down on me like a sun
but not on a beautiful day..
like this one.

Lets runaway, across the Atlantic Ocean
We could stay there
(At least till it gets cold)
You're causing a commotion
(Until the waves unfold)
Yet my devotion will stay
(Then you'll have to hide away)
With whatever you bring my way
(And come back some warm day)
Take all my love, everything I own, and its only 10.
This bedrooms' a coffin
I wish the power went out more often.

tell me..

:: 2004 5 September :: 11.13 pm

So I know this boy, he's insane.
Half of him is made of love
and half of hims made of pain
And we're the same..
we're the same

He lives down the street and I never see him often, yet when I do.
Our friendship is brand new, its like nothing ever happened before.
Its like meeting him for the first time, oh hes so insane.
But he'll always remember how to spell my name.
And he plays...his stupid games.
Weaves in and out of thoughts like a needle.
Hes quite feeble and not quite all there.

And we share, this remarkable bond.
It's like hearing that same song in a different key.
Who ever thought I'd understand him, and he'd understand me.
And thats the thing, he doesnt.
He can't really see, all around.
He only chooses to see top or chooses to see down.
He hears every sound, oh hes so insane.
Its like choosing to leave a house for a walk in the rain, or better yet a walk in front of a train.
I think hes lame.
Yea, I think hes smart.
I think his biggest organ in his whole body is.. his heart.

And hes got this way, of pulling me close and throwing me away.
I would like to try to understand ( no I wouldn't), but it changes everyday.
And he used to say
The he missed me so, but with him you don't know what that really means or where that'll..eventually go.
And just so you know.
I don't understand his heart, but hes got mine.
Cause I put it there..
It will stay there for sometime.

Cause I know
The more we talk
The more he teaches me
He doesn't lead me to doors
But gives me the keys
And he sees, things we can't
And this should be the end of this stupid rant.
But just so he knows
Wherever I am, wherever it... snows.
How good are my highs and how bad are my lows.
Hes apart of this trap he set.
Never to let go.
What moves him, he will only see
and he was the one for me?
Oh hes so insane
And he'll keep playing his stupid game.
And we're the same
we're the same.

1 time | tell me..

:: 2004 13 July :: 9.35 pm

To say that life goes too fast
All around, and built to last
The time will pour, in and out.
As does the memory of what exactly
It was all about
I've learned not to doubt, and not to be safe
Whoever is coming, will arrive
No matter if your early or late
I can't keep believing
This isn't a dream
Cause it all seems to revolve around the same old theme
Like this way I dream
How I can be taken downstream
And how I have to forget it all
Cause you'll never know what I mean
Try to swim from myself, leave myself behind
Cause I try to create time only within my mind.

You've got the means, to mess up this head
Your that person that could leave people lying dead
You could close your eyes, and hear all the cyclical sounds
Your eyes reflect the beauty of everything all around
You touch people, make them need you
Then slip away without a sound
Try to forget the things you've started, left unfinished on the ground.

Its not fair, but underneath it all, it was luck
Its the fucked up beauty in waking up
There are people to your left and people to your right
But up is the only direction I look at night
And people "should" be caring, aim to please
While you sit back and spread your mental disease
And your calm and contrite, fired up with no light
It can't be unfair if your not even real
to be honest I envy your deal
To hurt and to love
Take your best friend to the edge of a cliff and shove
Its beauty in the taking
Its my dream that turns real
Is it ugly that I ask myself
Why exactly should I feel?

tell me..

:: 2004 16 May :: 3.08 am

I've come to the revelation, and yet again the acknowledgement that everything that doesn't happen, was never suppose to. And when I say that I don't mean predestination, or "your life is mapped out" blasphemy. I just think some things don't happen at a particular time or at all for certain reasons all adding up to what will be best for oneself.

Personally, in certain situations I'll always jump to the conclusion that I am wrong, my actions are not appropriate( which in most cases means no action being taken) yet in some it comes so natural, and feels right and relatively easy. Same goes with opinions,in terms of people, you have to wonder about the reasons as to why you can connect with certain people and not others
you have to wonder about who you love and who you are weary of. You have to wonder about the people you put in such a position over yourself, only to figure out that your quality of a person is far greater, and the most wonderful thing you saw in them was surprisingly a projection of whats within yourself.

Basically what I'm getting at is not so much that we always have the right answers, but perhaps we shouldn't beat ourselves up about the actions we take when in reality we wish we could do the opposite. Its that thing that keeps you back that makes me question alot, and it used to serve as a huge cancer on my self image but I'm starting to believe that its some sort of intuitive force, pushing you towards things that would be benefical, and steering clear from things that would be detrimental. Like love for instance, I guess it pushes you towards those who would be furfilling and worthwhile and keeps you away from those who are out to hurt you/take advantage and eventually leave you with nothing. When you defy it, you are open to heartache which is good sometimes you need to experience bad things to gain insight. In this light I suppose I'm thankful for alot of things, but yet again I take from other people's lives and experiences, never my own. Thats my one regret if I were to have one, assuming not based upon my world but someone else's. In a nutshell, we should trust ourselves and have more confidence in our internal decisions cause they are based on what would be good for us, by nature we are not self distructive, not maladaptive, we just want what is best. I'll try to respect myself, and leave the self defeat out of it, instead of comign to the conclusion that I am "wrong" I'll think of why I honestly cant do certain things, through self examination/cognition, why do we do the things we do? Good qustion, all good questions merit good answers.

1 time | tell me..

:: 2003 1 November :: 12.01 am

tell me..

:: 2003 30 July :: 10.26 pm

i don't normally post quizzes but i think I've found my calling...


What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i particularly enjoyed this question and answer of the quiz:

You and your best friend are suddenly attacked by a huge, ugly, vicious monster with glowing, green venom dripping from its jagged fangs! ...What do you do?

Run away! ...But hide somewhere, then formulate a plan with your friend to go back and beat that critter up!

o man, this quiz is my life

tell me..

:: 2003 30 July :: 10.21 am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Weezer- Tired of sex

tell me..