i have a headache. first time in a long while. i'm still sore from all the running and from what the doctor did. i'm starting to feel like a broken down machine. at least i can walk without too much of a limp today. i want to fall asleep.



Driving off through the downtown streets
I am all alone with my allergies
The night grows cold and I think of her
Like it helps at all when the music dies
And the song on the radio reminds me of her
And in my head, my mind goes back to a moment lost
A flashback scene from before the fall, before it was over too soon
Of upper arms, and auburn hair and the smell of her that filled the air
The car goes on, a bullet of thundering loss
And the song on the radio reminds me of her and it goes
Sugarpie honeybunch, I don’t want to lose you and I can’t help myself I love you
And nobody else will do

don't you hate it when you find songs that make you really not want to be alone listening to it? explosions in the sky has so many effects on me, it affects me so much. certain songs make me happy, others pessismistic, others angry, others loney, some sad. i listened to a lot of them on the way home in the snow. i was listening to an ugly fact of life when i just pulled into a new sub that's being built, parked, opened the moon roof and looked out at the sky. it made me feel alone, happy, sad and restless all at once. made me think about how small i am and how small my problems really are. also had me thinking that maybe someday i could be someone to somebody, that would be nice. i could be going insane now, i really don't know, but who cares other than society? so my car skidded out 3 times on the way home tonight. from how it looked from inside my car, in 2 out of 3 instances, within inches and seconds, i would have been killed outright. missed getting hit by trucks, missed ditches and intersections. someone up there still wants me around for a bit longer. me, jack and ralph went to out tonight, it was fun. mike left me a great comment on my last entry which made the mess of the past week better. thank you mike.





i'd say you make a perfect
angel in the snow
all crushed out on the way you are
better stop before it goes to far
don't you know that i love you
sometimes i feel like only a cold still life
that fell down here to lay beside you

school is boring. track makes me hurt all over. i'm on long jump again, so far. i've been in a weird set of moods lately. i'll be happy and doing stuff, then i'll be sad, or pissed off. i write a lot of stuff down in my notebook. i'm going to write it here because typing it out makes me think on it more and if i lose my notebook i have it here.

first, why do i think the way it do? why do i get paranoid? why do i think everyone hates me? why do i think i am doomed to be alone forever?

second, is love something that is intangible for me? is the kind of love and companionship that i want something which will always seem to be out of reach? is it really worth it to try again or even care?

i really want to be in a band again. i'm singer than can play guitar, piano, bass, drums and trumpet decently. but i really want to be in an all instrumental band. thats how i want the emotion to come from my music.

oh well, i'm a loser and people are starting to think i've really gone crazy this time. i'm writing a lot of "odd" stuff. i like it kinda. all i really want is someone to talk to, who will really listen. someone to spend some time with. i think its futile now. its not like its going to happen now.

school sucked, i really don't like people. jack wasn't there. practice was boring. it was really cold. my shoes were soaked. biked 6 miles. worked out. did long jump stuff. driving home sucked. people really suck. i'm freezing and i have to do homework. card road is flooding. as is romeo plank. if 22 or 21 flood i'll be stuck here. is it really possible to be critcized for everything you are? is it really possible for people to actually hate you for who you are? i can't wait to get out of school.




Don't be so scared, we will not lead you on like you've been doing for weeks.
So you're selfish, and I'm sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast.

Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you,
'cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?

Don't be scared to take a second for reflection,
to take a leave of absence, see what you're made of.
So I'm selfish, and you're sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast.
So who's selfish, and who's sorry?

Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you,
'cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?

Someone, somewhere said some things that may have sparked some sympathy, but don't believe.
Don't believe a word you've heard about me.
Don't be so scared. It's harder for me.

Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you,
'cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?

Someone, somewhere said some things that may have sparked some sympathy, but don't believe.
Don't believe a word you've heard.