There's beauty in the breakdown.

There's beauty in the breakdown.

:: 2023 21 January :: 6.57am
:: Music: "Only the Lonely Survive" by Marianas Trench

We can still climb enough to save our souls...
Urghhhh.
That is all.

Okay, I lied.
That isn't all.

I just feel silly ranting about the little unimportant things. xD

That said... UGHHH. Jay is really annoying me lately. Like... I get that we're only talking at this point and that he doesn't owe me anything, but he's so unresponsive so much of the time that it's like... bruh. Are you really THAT busy that you can't return my messages? >.>

We had tentatively planned to go out tonight, which means finally meeting in person for the first time. That's mostly why I'm irritated.

We were supposed to have a date last month. I even got all dressed up and did my hair and makeup and everything. But he ended up running late because of work... and that eventually turned into cancelled plans. He said he felt terrible about it. I gave him outs, but he insisted that he really wanted to be there and wanted to make it up...

Since then, we've talked every day, even when he was on a trip overseas. Fast forward to this week. We had never set plans in stone, but we did agree that Saturday should work for both of us. A couple days later, at random, he asked me what my favorite drink and flower were... and at the risk of disappointment, I let myself get a little excited, thinking about how sweet it would be of him to bring flowers.

Then, I messaged him yesterday to try to figure the details out, or to see if tonight would even still work out, and so far... silence. I genuinely don't think he's not responding to be a dick, or that he's ghosting me or anything. It's just annoying... >.<

Oh well. I guess we'll see. Worst case, he's another fuckboi, and if so, fuck him. But realistically, if I know anything of his patterns so far, he'll probably message me any minute now. xD

Regardless, at least today should be interesting~

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squallet

:: 2023 18 January :: 8.25am
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: "Use My Voice" by Evanescence

I am an island.
I came to that conclusion today.
And I think life will be better for it.

Growing up, aside from a rather healthy dose of dysfunction, my family was rather traditional. My dad did hard blue-collar work, and for the most part, my mom stayed at home, doing the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. Having them as role models, it's no wonder that my biggest dream as a kid was to grow up, fall in love, get married, and have a family of my own. For so many years, all I looked forward to was the day I would be a mom.

Fast forward more years than I care to count. xD

Here I sit, 33 years wise, and that dream has still yet to come to fruition. If I told my childhood self that I still wouldn't be a mom at 33, I would have laughed. No way. By then, I'd DEFINITELY have my shit together. I'd have a happy and fulfilling marriage to the man of my dreams, a perfect cozy home together, and I'd finally have some idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. Instead, I just have body aches, debt, and anxiety. >.> But also blue hair, so... small victories. ^^;;

Okay, in all seriousness, I do have SOME of those things figured out. At the very least, I've made HUGE strides in mental and emotional growth. I learned a lot of life lessons the hard way. I've struggled with some of the lowest pits of depression and substance abuse. I've been messy, I've been ugly, I've been downright toxic. I was a girl with little self-worth, and even less self-love. Now, I'm a woman with grace... well, except in the physical sense. xD I'm patient with myself, I forgive myself, I treat myself with compassion. I finally love myself.

I honestly don't know why I started life off with so much self-hatred... and it's really sad to think about and remember... I'm sure it comes down to some form of childhood trauma or learned behaviors, but really, all I know is that I never felt good enough being myself. I always felt the need to strive to be more or better. And, being the perfectionist I am... I could never meet my own impossible standards... and I thought that EVERYONE else noticed that I was falling short too. In reality, it was mostly just me.

Anyway, back to the point at hand... Yes, I am married, happily for the most part. Yes, I do have a home, even if it is shared with family for the foreseeable future. And... well, I'm still working on the whole "what I'm doing with my life" part, but 2-ish out of 3 isn't bad, right?

But the thing is... I'm realizing that my childhood dreams don't necessarily fit me anymore. And that's been a lot to process. Sure, I'm married, but I'm also poly. That in and of itself is a HUGE shock to the system. How can I have the white picket fence All-American dream if I'm in love with more than one person? What does that kind of future even look like? It's not something we ever really saw growing up. Even in today's world, it's pretty uncommon, misunderstood, and often looked down on.

I find my inner child sometimes retreating back to that old dream, getting scared of the unsure future I'll face if I keep going down this road. I doubt myself, wondering if I'm making a mistake by living the way I am, and if I'd be happier just going back to living a monogamous lifestyle. But then I look at Michael and think about how much love he's brought into my life, and at Kristin, who has made Aaron so happy... and it reaffirms what I already know in my heart. I'm not meant for that white picket fence kind of life.

But that's okay. I've always preferred wrought-iron fences anyway. <3

Still... it's been hard not to feel just a tad bit anxious thinking about the future and what this lifestyle DOES mean for me. I have two serious partners, and honestly, I don't see that changing anytime soon. So then... How will living arrangements work out? A poly household sounds pretty great, but what if living all together isn't as wonderful as we imagine? What about children? I know that both my husband and boyfriend want kids eventually... but I'm already 33, and I STILL don't feel like we're ready... Mayhaps once we cross the living arrangements bridge, that one will feel more natural, but who knows?

And what happens if I meet someone incredible and fall in love again? Two relationships are already hard enough to manage. Am I supposed to just shut off all new romantic possibilities going forward? Sure, there's always the options to keep new connections more casual, but... I honestly don't really think that's for me. I'm not interested in purely physical connections. When I fall for someone, it's just for who they are as a person. I become fascinated with their entire being. I want to get to know all about them, learn what makes them tick, what they're passionate about, their hopes and fears, their secrets, their dreams... I like it deep. Okay, that sounded more perverted than I meant it to. xD

So then I had a bit of a revelation. I was out running errands yesterday, and completely at random, I decided to stop at the park across the street from the apartments I grew up in. My own little nostalgic safe haven. I took a walk through the woods, my boots crunching the snow beneath me. I took in the fresh air, brushed my fingers against the trees, took pictures beside the creek, and thought back on plenty of sweet memories. I was alone, but I was at peace.

I remembered then... I quite enjoy being alone. In fact, I'd honestly say that I kind of THRIVE being alone. It's when I can really reflect on things and figure things out. When I can piece together what it is I want, and what steps I should take going forward. It's when I find my old creative soul peeking out into the world again.

The only problem has been my anxiety... Ever since the panic attack that landed me in the hospital back in 2021, it's taken a lot of work to getting back to that place of feeling SAFE being alone... For the longest time, I couldn't be alone, especially at night. I always found myself trying to find people to talk to, even if it meant engaging with people I wasn't really all that thrilled to talk to. But little by little, I've been pushing myself to be alone again. And I'm remembering how much I enjoy my own company.

I know, I'm getting a little long-winded. ("Getting?" she thinks to herself... xD) But I promise, we're about to wrap this up with a neat little bow. ;P

So, thinking about all these things tonight... Another realization hit me. As much as I had always loved my alone time, going all the way back to late nights online as a teenager (probably writing all my thoughts down in my old online journal, much as I'm doing now x3), I always lacked the confidence to truly be emotionally independent. When I was in a relationship, it wasn't "my" life/future anymore, it was "our" life/future. I wasn't "me", we were "we".

Bringing this back home to the whole "what does my poly future look like?" matter... The reason it's so hard to wrap my head around is because, up until now... I had never really just thought about what I want in life going forward. I never thought of my future as solely my own. It's always been a matter of "me and [insert partner here]"... So of course that would make things difficult when you have more than one partner to consider in your future.

That said... that kind of thinking no longer does me any favors. I am an island, and I honestly think I'll lead a happier life in the long run keeping that in mind. So rather than thinking "I already have two partners filling up my relationship 'slots', I can't handle more than that, I have to limit myself, etc.", I'm choosing to see it differently.

"I have myself, and I am free. Free to feel however I feel, free to choose who I give my time and energy to, free to set boundaries and limitations, free to decide who deserves me in their lives and who doesn't, free to make mistakes, free to change my mind, free to grow and evolve, free to choose me."

If you think about it, why should it be any different than friendships? Some friends I talk to all the time. Others I hardly talk to, but then we get together and it's like no time has passed. Some friends I only hang out with for certain shared interests and hobbies. Some I go out with, others I stay in with. Sure, some friends get more of my time and energy than others, but does that mean I love my other friends any less? Of course not.

My point is... I'm done trying to live my life in a box, and trying to fit all the people I know and care for into other little boxes. Why not let love grow organically, in whatever way it chooses to bloom? Whether it's platonic or romantic, it's still beautiful, and it should be free to blossom naturally.

Even outside of relationships, I feel like this "island" kind of thinking is so much better suited for me. For example, how many nights have I put off working on passion projects because I felt required to spend time with a partner? I can only imagine where I might be if I had really let my heart and soul take me where it wanted to all those times. What words would I have written? What songs would I have sung? Would I be closer to achieving any of my dreams?

I'm not here to mourn those nights. I'm purely here now to embrace the future. A future where, yes, I will enjoy plenty of nights spent with my loved ones, but I also won't be afraid to choose myself, in whatever capacity that means. Whether it's taking a night to myself for creative outlets, or choosing to embrace a new connection with someone, or just having the courage to go stag to a party. It also means respecting myself and my boundaries, and making sure everyone else respects them too.

So yes. I am an island.
My loved ones are my favored destinations, but only I am me.
And I honor myself best when I choose me.
<3

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squallet

:: 2023 9 January :: 4.09am
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: "To Zanarkand" by Nobuo Uematsu

Oh, and uh...
... enjoy the 'new' playlist, btw~
And the throwback 'snowflakes'!
What can I say?
I was feeling nostalgic.
<3

Now, if you need me... I'll just be over here mourning the loss of MySpace and AIM and longing for the days when all that mattered was coming home from school to make AMVs with terribly pixelated video game footage and roleplay all my fandoms with online friends I've STILL never met.

Okay, technically that's a lie. I DID eventually meet Nny, and that counts for something, considering he was one of my BEST online friends back in middle school. <3

Still waiting to meet my Nikki though! x3

Ugh... just SAYING that took me back... Gods, I'm old... x_____x;

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squallet

:: 2023 9 January :: 4.03am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "Ocean Avenue" by Yellowcard

"I gotta go get my fish sticks..."
Whaaaaaaat is UP Woohu?! Damn, it's been a minute, huh? I've meant to come back and write in here more times than I can count, but every time I would inevitably get distracted by something and--SQUIRREL!! O_O

... What was I saying? .___. Oh yeah! So I've come to realize that, over the years, I've kind of forgotten how to just... purge. To just come to a blank space on the interwebs and spew whatever thoughts or feelings that I'm currently dealing with. Hell, even in handwritten journals that I have, I find myself struggling to come up with what I should write about.

At times, it's hard not to think that it's because I'm just so depressed these days that I don't feel things NEARLY as much as I used to. And if I don't feel things like I used to... should I? Am I breaking down or evolving? I can see it both ways. On one hand, perhaps it's just that I've finally hit that age where not everything is a dramatic, life or death situation. But on the other hand, am I losing the passionate side of myself that I identified so strongly with? I know it's still there, but... I'm not necessarily the raging inferno I used to be. Mayhaps I'm more of... Idk... A tiki torch? xD

I'm munching on coal. Not the real stuff. The chocolate stuff. It's like... 2:15 in the morning, and I have to work in a little bit, but I figured that I owed it to myself to sit down and actually try to do the thing that's been eluding me for... over two years now? Whewww, time flies. Sometimes I'm glad for that, but other times, it's just another step closer to the grave. Morbid, I know, but I've had a lot of those thoughts in the past two years.

Damn, did this entry change tones fast! xD I promise you, I'm fine, and not all is doom and gloom. I think it was just important to really confront those things so that I could move forward with living my best life. Honestly, I've been doing a lot of confronting lately.

*grabs a handful of m&ms* ... These aren't even m&ms... They're Hershey's wannabe m&ms. I am disappoint. I can trust nothing. x_x;

Anyway, yes, confronting. One thing that I've really learned in therapy (yes, I'm in therapy now - huzzah!) is that I can't simply avoid the things that trigger me or what I'm afraid of. I think I already knew that, but hearing it told to me so directly really made it sink in.

It's scary, I won't lie. Anxiety is a bitch, and some days, triggers are relentless. But the more I face them, the more I learn to trust myself, and the more I really do start to believe that I can handle whatever comes my way. So whatever doesn't kill me best be prepared. :P

Enough of the heavy shit though. Let's get to more fun topics!

When last I left you, my dear, beautiful Woohu, I was newly dating a guy named Zach in my very first ENM relationship. And let me tell you, that experience was a WHIRLWIND. First off, after a bit of soul searching and self-discovery, Zach is now Percy, short for Persephone, and I couldn't be more proud of her! ^_^ Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us due to external factors, but we're still very close and have nothing but love for each other. <3

That said, that break up, which happened around this time last year, was definitely a tough one. I had found a soulmate in her, and although I knew the important thing, the love itself, was still there, I also knew that it meant I was losing something beautiful. It put me into a rabbit hole of trying to distract myself by talking to new people, but I quickly found out that a lot of people are unfortunately disappointing.

Thus, I, Squallet, began the quest of dodging fuckbois. xD Most of the time, they made it pretty easy. An unsolicited dick pic here, a "you busy tonight?" there... and of course, the ever so charming "I'd probably fuck you". Oh, yes. That last one was actually a message I received. Like "... thaaaaanks?" I might have been pissed off if it hadn't been so brain-numbingly stupid that I was GENUINELY amused. XD

Enter Sam, AKA Irish fuckboi~ I honestly don't have much of anything to say about Sam, because in hindsight, he had next to no personality whatsoever, and I couldn't give a fuck less about him at this point in my life. XD But for whatever reason, I was in such an emotional, low self-esteem place that I got REALLY hung up when he ghosted me. I laugh at it now because it really was a nothing connection, but I felt stupid that he slipped past my radar (I blame the accent) and disheartened because he was the first person I felt a connection with post-Percy, when I honestly thought that I'd never fall in love again.

Well... spoiler alert... I fell in love again. <3 Fuckbois and other disappointments aside, I actually have met some pretty great people over the past year. One in particular is pretty fantastic... His name is Michael, and we've been together for just over 9 months now. Of course, the name gave me PTSD at first because we all know my track record with Mikes. xD

What can I say about Michael? He's a bit of a hurricane. When we first met, I honestly wrote him off as another fuckboi, which we've laughed about since. I'm happy to say that I was wrong, and there's been a whole beautiful world of a person underneath that I've gotten to know. He's a Pisces, because of course he is. We all know that they've always been my weakness. He's tall, dork, and handsome. ;3 He's funny, energetic, passionate, and I could stare into his eyes forever. <3 Sometimes he reminds me of me when I was younger - very emotional, and sometimes very defensive. Some of our earlier struggles definitely felt like someone was holding up a mirror of my past. We've come a long way since then though, and honestly, I already feel like we've been together for years. I joke that he's not my boyfriend, he's my second husband. And you best bet that I'll be putting a ring on it one of these days. <3

Oh, SPEAKING of huge life-altering decisions... I came out as poly! It can still be scary talking about it so openly and I always worry that people will judge what they don't understand, but it's been more than worth it. It's not a fun feeling loving somebody so much and feeling like you have to keep them a secret, or that you're being kept a secret on their end. But now, I can talk about my partners, I can post pictures of us together, and best of all, I can enjoy the important moments together with them. Just a little over a week ago, I was able to celebrate New Year's with both Aaron and Michael by my side, and it was incredible. ^_^

And SPEAKING of Aaron... (I see a pattern emerging xD) he has a girlfriend now too. Her name is Kristin, and she's AMAZING!! :D Unfortunately, she lives out of state, so he's only gotten to visit her a few times, but I'm looking forward to the day that she can live closer to us. Hell, we're already all talking about having a big, happy, poly household, and honestly, I would love that! <3 She and I would craft up a storm, share our cute gaming worlds with each other, and decorate for the holidays like no one's business! >:3

But SPEAKING of no one's business! ... Okay, I'm done. XD

Aaaaand then there's Jay... What do we have to say about Jay? I'm not quite sure yet... ;P He's an interesting guy. He's smart, well-spoken, motivated, adventurous, sweet... and he's definitely cute... But I'm not really looking for anything serious at the moment. Two partners is already a LOT to handle. Plus, partners aren't like Pokemon - you can't just try to catch them all. xD It's important to make sure you have the time and energy to give to them to make them feel loved and valued. Anyhow, so far we've only been talking, but I can't help but be intrigued... Idk, my intuition started spiking when this one came around, so I guess we'll see. o.o

Aside from him, I've decided that my dating doors are closed for the foreseeable future. Flirting is fun and all, and yes, it was a confidence boost to suddenly get a bunch of attention from men again, but honestly... I'm kind of over that kind of attention. I just want to meet cool people. I want to talk about life and where we've been, what we've learned, how we've grown. And I want to get out and LIVE life, hopefully with some new, interesting faces. I want to feel valued as a person and make genuine friends, rather than feeling like just an object of desire. That shit gets old FAST.

Did I really need to post about ANY of this? Not really. But you know what? I'm glad that I am! xP My goal now is make it a habit to come back to this journal like I did back in the good old days. You know, when I was a young whippersnapper! XD

So going forward, don't expect me to give you the full plot of what's going on in my life, because now you know! This is going to be a place to vent again. To rant to my heart's content and just scream at the void when I need to. Because, really, there is something healing about just getting it out. Even if it IS embarrassing, or problematic, or pointless.

Sure, I don't want to be the bitch who posted all that cringe shit on my Facebook 15 years ago... But I do admire her for the fact that at least she HAD something to say. And I know that I still have plenty to say, deep down, even if I will feel cringe for spilling it all to a bunch of strangers. After all, you don't know me, and I don't know you.

So at the end of the day, I can worry about what I say, or I can just say fuck it and say it anyway. Who knows? Maybe it'll help someone out there. Or maybe I'll make someone think differently about something. Or maybe it's nearly 4 AM and you're just hungry and bored like I am.

Regardless... I'm really rambling now, but my point is... Prepare for more random posts about seemingly unimportant shit~ xD But just know that, in ten years, I'll probably look back on it, like I sometimes do with my old posts, and I might cringe, but I'll also smile, and I'll laugh. Because it's nice to look back, and to remember "holy fuck, I was such a random weirdo... good to know that some things never change!" :3

And one last somewhat somber note on things that will never change... My love for my Yam - my cat, my furbaby, and my familiar. After nearly 19 years of life, over 17 of which were spent taking care of me, she passed away this past Thanksgiving. She passed at home, surrounded by love, and I was there with her until her last breath, assuring her that it was okay to go, and that we'd be okay... Adjusting to life without her, after a life blessed for so long with her, has been extremely difficult. I broke down. My heart was shattered. I couldn't eat. I had terrible anxiety and depression and honestly wasn't sure if I would be able to handle the pain.

But little by little, with the help of therapy and a support system that I'm incredibly lucky to have, I've regained my strength, and I'm able to look forward to the future again. I know that she's still with me, and I know that love never dies. Our bond hasn't been severed, it's merely transformed. And one day, I'll see her again. Momma loves you with all her heart Yam, and I miss you every single day. <3 And of course, daddy too. And everyone else in the world because dear GODS, you were the sweetest little girl in the world. :)

I don't know how exactly to wrap this up after getting so emotional. I'm usually full of witty banter and snappy remarks. But I guess that's just it, huh? We're all more three-dimensional than we probably give ourselves credit for. You might THINK it's three raccoons in a trench coat over here, but joke's on you! I'm a full-fledged person! x3

Well... most of the time. But for now, I have some trash I need to go scrounge through. So until next time, stay classy folks!

~ Squallet, out!

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squallet

:: 2020 21 September :: 11.51pm
:: Mood: indescribable

Sometimes I wonder...
How can the world be so beautiful
Even as it's falling apart?
Then I remember
You exist
♥

Even if in another corner of the universe
Even if our paths never cross again
I know that you're real
So I know that dreams come true
And you are the sweetest one
Please don't wake me...

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squallet

:: 2020 21 August :: 2.05pm
:: Mood: silly

There has always been heartache and pain...
But when it's over you'll breathe again. ❤️

Heyyyyy woohu~ Well, this is new. I'm actually typing a journal entry from my phone. Gods help us... I can already imagine all the autocorrects and typos. xD But on the plus side... Emojis? 😂

So... this is going to be another one of those private entries... which kind of sucks, but also doesn't really even matter, because no one I know of would even read it anyway. But I digress!

Well, I guess I'll just come out and say it. I have... a boyfriend! ... Yep. 🤣 That's still really awkward to say. Especially considering that I can't really tell anyone about him. Which is TORTURE, because he's pretty amazing...

We'll call him Zach, because... well, you know how this goes. ;3 We've only known each other for about a month, but, well, our crazy tends to match each other pretty damn well. Let's just say that he asked me to be his girlfriend in the first WEEK, and I was insane enough to say yes.

Fate has been giving us both CRAZY signs left and right, and while I've second guessed myself a lot on how fast everything has gone and on the situation in general (seeing as how it's my first poly relationship ever), my gut keeps pushing me forward. 😅

He's married and his wife is a total sweetheart who is very supportive of us. Same goes for my husband, who's been absolutely amazing. We're both super lucky. 🥰 I wasn't sure if a poly relationship would be a good fit for me, and I'm still not 100% sure, but so far, he's been very sweet and reassuring and has definitely helped me to feel MORE comfortable than I thought I would. Time will tell in that regard though, I'm sure.

I'm still scared a lot though... I feel like I care way more than I should. It's hard not to when it honestly already feels like we've known each other all our lives. ❤️ That's so dumb to say, but... Damnit, I'm saying it. 😂

A week ago, he drove out to meet for the first time (yes, I broke quarantine for a boy 🤣) and it was... INSANE. For someone I'd only spoken to on the phone threeee(?) times and had otherwise just been texting for a few weeks (albeit with novels going back and forth xD), the connection was INSTANT. There was immediately chemistry, immediately comfort, immediately love. Needless to say that I miss him already. 😅

When fate hands you someone where both of you are continually asking "how are you REAL?! how do you EXIST?!" because they just seem so perfect to you... It's hard not to wonder when the other shoe is gonna drop. Granted, we've already talked about some deep shit, and have already had some serious emotional talks, and every time, he's been absolutely wonderful in working through things with me, so it's hard not to be hopeful. 🙂

I should probably actually say something ABOUT him, huh? Well, he's a nerd, because I have a type. He's another Pathfinder DM, who's got crazy high charisma and tells great stories. ;P He's also a super talented musician, a fellow lover of travel and philosophy, sweet and shy but also a total dork and a goofball. But he's also been through some shit too, and understands the dark side of the mind, so I don't feel like I'm totally corrupting him. Also, did I mention he's absolutely gorgeous? 😘 I don't fangirl over men often, but I admit, this one got me. 🤣

Bah. I feel silly saying all that now. But I wanted to remember. To say something that makes this real, in case I do wake up to bitter reality one day. 😅 I wish I could tell the world about him. Maybe one day...

I'm trusting you intuition... Don't lead me astray. 😜

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squallet

:: 2020 26 July :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: White Lines & Red Lights by Between The Trees

I'm an idiot.
And I should just get it tattooed to my forehead at this point. OTL

I figure I've already driven enough people crazy talking about this so... hello woohu~ It's been a minute, hasn't it? I could go on about the sad state of the world, but we'd be here all day. Plus, why complain about something that affects billions of people when I could whine self-centeredly about my insignificant problems to the void?

So there's this guy. We'll call him Jake. Because his name is Jake. xD And he's... infuriating, to put it mildly. :D Or maybe he's not. Maybe the way my brain works when it comes to him is what's REALLY irritating.

I hate it. I hate that when we first started talking, there was an immediate connection that I can't ignore. I hate that he made me feel... special? I'm not an idiot. I KNOW I'm special. I KNOW I'm an awesome person. But for the first time in a long time, just being myself with someone new garnered such an amazing response. He was THRILLED with who I was, and I was thrilled to feel it.

Now I hate that that feeling disappeared seemingly overnight. What was once "you're something else", "you're so witty", "you're so cute", "you're the yin to my yang", and "where have you been all my life?" is now selective responses, no signs of affection, days without communication. It's like a burning fire that just turned to ice.

Every day for weeks, I've said that I was done. I've felt like I was pursuing a connection with someone who, even on a friend level, has been putting forth little to no effort to get to know me on a deeper level, and who probably wouldn't even notice if I just stopped responding altogether and disappeared from his life.

Of course, then my logical brain kicks in and goes "well, duh, you've only known each other for roughly two months, and you've never spoken apart from texting. YOU'RE the weirdo for giving such a damn." And it's true. And it's maddening. >.>

So I say "that's it, I'm done. He's not worth it." and try to go about my life. I distance myself and vow not to respond to any more messages, but every time he comes back around and I forgive him, even if only for long enough to respond to said messages so that I can inevitably be cast aside and ignored even more.

And I KNOW it's stupid. That's the worst part. I'm watching myself make a damn fool out of myself KNOWING that I'm an idiot for doing it. KNOWING that he's not worth my time or care. I talk to other people who seem kind, funny, genuine - so many of the same traits I saw in him in the beginning. Yet they can't hold my interest for more than five minutes because I find myself wishing I were talking to him instead.

UGH. It's... awful. Worst of all is that I feel like I can't even say anything. I'm so intent on putting out that perfect face of mine, the one who isn't so complicated, who doesn't feel things on a stupidly deep level all the time, who won't get easily offended or make a big deal out of stupid things, who can just go with the flow and laugh it off and be all the positive, fun things without taking everything too seriously. I CAN be those things, sure, but he makes it hard to be genuine.

I just want to shake him and be like "dude... what the hell? why am I even here?" Like... am I just a good time waste or what? I thought the point of getting to know people and making new friends was... I don't know... getting to KNOW people? For finding me so damn spiffy in the beginning, he sure doesn't seem to give a fuck now.

I want to say something but just don't know how without being "that girl". It's dumb to think like that, I know, but it doesn't change it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to shut off my phone. I want to delete him from my life. I want... *sigh* Matt. Is that also stupid? That's also stupid. FUCK.

Why do I always get attached to people who couldn't give a fuck less about me? You'd think I just crave the sensation of crashing and burning. My heart is a stupid bitch.

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squallet

:: 2019 17 April :: 7.03pm
:: Mood: bouncy

I'm on a roll today o_o
Hello ~~adoring public~~ ~~friends~~ random people on the interwebs! I hope the day finds you of strong and sturdy health. Or... something like that? xD

I come to you today with news. News? No, not really. I've stepped back into my woohu shoes just to bring the world an update of my life. I could make like all the cool kids now-a-days and just post about it on Snapchat I suppose... but come on, you know as well as I do that that just ain't how Squallet flies. ;3

Also, update. Apparently Squallet flies! o:

So! As I was saying! *blows dust off the corners of the page* (Psst! I'm about to say that not much has changed... but don't be bamboozled! I'm one tricky fox! D:) Not much has changed! ;)

First and foremost, some crazy man has finally made an honest woman of me... pfft... honest woman. xD But in all seriousness, yush. Through all the sleepless nights and craziness of planning, we had our dream wedding, and it was absolutely perfect! ♥

People were telling us for weeks how much fun they had, and really, that was my biggest hope for it. That and, you know, hoping I didn't break an ankle in my heels. I came close, but I chose instead to interrupt the entire ceremony to remove the shoes. And dear gods, how many people told me that was their favorite part... xD

Long story short! I know that the wedding is supposed to be about my partner and me and celebrating our love, but both of us aren't big on being the center of attention, and really, we just wanted to have one big, awesome, fun party with our loved ones! :3

I'M GETTING PULLED AWAY, ONOES!!! Oh well, food beckons. I shall return to finish! ... Later... xD Until then, keep it rocking!

EDIT: I never made it back to update. Oops. XD

~Squallet

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squallet

:: 2018 4 October :: 8.23pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Sail" by AWOLNATION

*insert witty title for this entry here*
Hello my loyal minions! (Read: That one random person who happens upon my journal and doesn't immediately click away... xD)

I had an interesting thought today while I was, of all things, working on compiling the music list for my wedding, which is officially less than 3 weeks away. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I'm indulging in vodka as I write this. xD

For some reason, my brain decided to fixate on the idea of self-hatred tonight. Why? Because I hate myself. Nice, plain, and simple. x3

As someone who deals with a lot self-hate and over-criticizing myself, I felt the need to spell out a couple of assumptions that others seem to have. Of course, this is only in regards to my OWN personal experiences.

First off, hating myself doesn't make me incapable of loving other people. Like I spelled out in my last entry, there's a big difference between thinking badly of yourself and having no self-respect. I have a very bittersweet relationship with myself. I love myself enough to know that I deserve respect and decency from others, and to not be taken advantage of by people.

But in the deepest, most personal corners of my life, when people aren't looking, I judge myself on everything I do. I talk myself down, beat myself up, and am my own worst enemy. It's a struggle I face every single day. I can see the good in me objectively, and KNOW there are good qualities in me, but I never quite... feel them? It's a complete out of body experience when I look at myself in that way.

Another thing that might sound strange is that hating myself doesn't mean that I'm unhappy. I do struggle with depression and anxiety on a regular basis, and some days are definitely worse than others, but overall, I live a fairly happy life. I have an amazing support system in the form of a loving husband-to-be, an amazing family, and wonderful friends. I'm extremely lucky to have them all. <3 But even in the worst case, if I didn't have those things, I still feel like my brain is wired to find the best in the worst, and to laugh even when things seem absolutely hopeless.

I'm not saying it's good to hate yourself, or that you should settle for feeling that way. I just wanted to bring validation to people like me who are judged for feeling the way they do toward themselves. So many times I've heard "you can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself", and I'm sorry, but I don't fully agree with that sentiment.

I do believe that you should KNOW yourself, and that you should RESPECT yourself, but I think the idea of LOVING yourself is too over-simplified. People like me might struggle all their lives to love themselves. Some might finally get there, others might only get to the point of seeing SOME good in themselves, and others might never get anywhere close. It doesn't mean that they're broken and incapable of loving others, and I think it's damaging to say otherwise.

AGH. That's enough serious talk for today. Besides, did I mention... WEDDING IN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS?! My brain is practically fried with all the planning. I'm surprised it worked well enough to develop that thought. Music choices, decor crafting, dealing with friend and family drama... I'll be surprised if I remain sane until the wedding. ;)

Nah, I kid. I'm sane. Completely. Totally. *twitch*

Until next time, stay cool kids!

~ Squallet

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squallet

:: 2018 20 September :: 5.31am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "Dancing On Broken Glass" by Poets of the Fall

It was a long and winding road that led us here...
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not nearly that wise and insightful. x3

Yet again, years have come and gone, leaving the dust to settle on this little safe haven of my soul. I suppose it's time to update all of my horribly dedicated fans of all the updates in my life. *in a room of deafening silence, one random dude stands up and "whoo"s* Heheheh... thanks Steve... ^^;;

Well, I guess the biggest thing to talk about is the fact that, in one month's time, I'm getting married!! :3 Yeah, it turns out that crazy fool I was talking about in my last few journal updates was actually insane enough to stick with me all this time, and about 2 years ago, asked me to marry him. x3

Now, I could sit here and mush about all of that, but considering how much ACTUALLY planning our wedding has already killed my soul, I think I'll settle for mildly talking him up. :P No, but in all seriousness, he's amazing. We've been together for going on 4.5 years now and he's my absolute best friend and the best partner I could ever dream of. We've been through some crazy shit, but here we are, stronger than ever. I've never been the most confident or trusting person, but with him, I have complete trust and confidence and no doubt in my mind that for the rest of my life, even when everything else seems against me, he'll be in my corner and I'll be in his. <3 /mush

SO, talking about my fiance is actually a great segue for what brought me back to this humble little journal in the first place. See, earlier tonight, he introduced me to this great site that completely stole my attention away from him for the rest of the night. XD

Originally, he had me check out archive.org to see if any of my old YouTube channel survived after being deleted nearly a decade ago by my ex or his crazy ex-girlfriend, whichever it was. Sadly, while I was able to see my old page, the videos themselves are still gone, but that's okay. I've made peace with that. Hell, maybe I'll remake some of those old videos one day. :P

BUT! What really stole my attention was when I found a few old online journals of mine from like... HALF MY LIFE AGO that were archived. And holy hell... Let's just say they provided HOURS of entertainment for me. I was angsty as FUCK back when I was 14. XD I found myself calling past me out several times like "honey... honey, no..." o.o;;

One thing I noticed is that I had legit ZERO sense of self worth back then. Like, I'm still pretty harsh on myself nowadays. After all, my motto is "go ahead and hate me; you'll still never hate me as much as I hate myself *shrug*". XD Self-depreciating humor is kinda my thing. :P Is there some truth to it? Of course. But unless you're reading my mind (read: "this journal") or you're SUPER close to me, you wouldn't know that. The main difference is that I just stopped letting OTHER people treat me like shit and grew a fucking backbone. Yeah, I'm not perfect, but I'm HELLA proud that I finally learned to love myself enough not to let other people walk all over me. And that's right! I said HELLA. DEAL WITH IT. XD

I was also HELLA (ha... I did it again...) judgy back then. Like, I had some supreme straightedge sense of superiority that actually made me gag a little reading it all. "Look at me! I don't do drugs or smoke or drink and I'm so much better than you!" Bitch, please, your entire stupid journal is about how in love you are with some online boyfriend that you never even met. Get over yoself. Also, your writing sucks. Learn you some grammar! xD

One thing I DID really enjoy, though, was that 14 year old me was ACTUALLY pretty damn funny. Like, a lot of things made me cringe re-reading these old journals, but sometimes I actually laughed non-ironically and was like "HA! I really haven't changed in that regard..." haha! I feel like, as a person, I was definitely an interesting and entertaining character, but I had none of the confidence to back it up.

I also literally just said WHATEVER the fuck I wanted to. I mean, that's the point of a journal, right? But I said it as if anyone reading it at random would actually give a fuck. Like it was the damn "Squallet Show". But that's what really stuck for me.

I realized that I don't ever just rant unfiltered like that anymore. Not to any one person, not to any journal... and my fiance suggested that maybe I should get back into posting, giving myself space to vent and personally work through feelings again. I mean, hell, at the very least, it makes for something great to look back on years from now to see where I was in life and not-so-silently judge myself. ;3

And thus, HERE I AM!! I mean, hell, I even updated my page's layout a bit! You know, mostly because I'm getting old and can't read MICROSCOPIC FUCKING TEXT ANYMORE. And, you know, because we're living in 2018 where the resolution size has either doubled to compensate a widescreen TV or shrunk to fit a mobile device. So hopefully it's at least a... little... easier... to read...? Maybe...? Who knows? I haven't been in the web design field for a while. XD

I thought it would be fun to take one of those dumb surveys I did back in the day on my old journal with my current day answers, but seeing as how this update post is already running pretty long... I'll probably opt to do that one next time. ^^; I'm gonna try to get back into ranting to my bitch heart's content on this thing more regularly, so don't worry, I'm sure you'll get your fill of my life soon enough... you weirdo... o.o;;

Until then, I have wedding planning that needs worked on... *silently sobs into an empty cup of vodka* Just one more month... XD Nah, but for reals, I shall catch you all on the flip slide of the screen. Until then, stay awesome. Squallet... signing off!!

~Squallet

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squallet

:: 2015 8 May :: 3.38pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant

I swear I'm more than just a giant ball of angst... o.o
I randomly stumbled upon my old blog again. Funny how sometimes you just kind of come back to things like that. I have blog posts going all the way back to 2008, which is absolutely crazy to me. Then again, the Other Realm has been around since 2003, so I really shouldn't be all THAT astounded. xD

The last few posts were just dripping with angst, so I felt that I should actually post something aside from drama. To be fair, my life hasn't really had all that much drama in the past year. x3 Right now, it's Friday and I'm at work... and I just want to go home. I'm tired of staring at HTML. And I'm hungry. :P

What's on my mind lately? I'm glad you asked, nonexistent reader! Colossalcon!!! Pretty much the same thing that's always on my mind this time of year. It's the weekend I look forward to the most every year, getting to see friends that I only get to see once or twice a year and enjoying our nerdy interests together. Not to mention our drunken adventures. XD It's also going to be Aaron's first Colossalcon ever, so I'm SUPER excited! :D

There's another reason I'm excited about it, BUUUUT I'm reserved to silence for now. x3 Let's just say that it will be a very engaging time. ;3 I'm actually going to be donning two new cosplays this year too, which I'm super psyched for! Aaron, Brittany, and I will be doing a small Fairy Tail group, and I'll also be joining Britt in her Sailor Disney Princess group as Sailor Giselle. I went ahead and commissioned my cosplays from someone who knows what they're doing, because I'd rather pay a bit more and actually look cute. Plus, I like being able to give someone money for doing what they love doing. ^.^

Another thing I'm really excited about? I'm almost out of debt!! xD I've paid off almost everything, except for the money that I owe my ex from when we were living together, and I should be able to pay that off within the next month or two. So I actually find myself with a little spare money to spend, and the ability to ACTUALLY start saving for a house. Life isn't exactly going where I thought it would, but I'm okay with that. I have a home with the man of my dreams, and the future looks pretty bright.

Speaking of which, I'm going to take a moment to rant about this man. Why? Because he's amazing and this place is fairly anonymous as it is, ensuring that our friends and family won't be forced to read all this sap. :3 Throughout the years, I've had quite the string of relationships, some more successful than others. Being with him is completely different from all of those relationships. It makes me see why all the other relationships didn't work, and makes me wonder how I could have ever thought that any of them were the one for me - no offense at all intended to them - most of them are good guys. With him, I just know this is the one for the rest of my life, and I'm so thankful I found him. ^.^ <3

Weeelllll, my boss is back, so I have to cut this a bit short. But at least I've put a little more happy back into this blog. It really needed it. xD Until next time!

-Squallet

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squallet

:: 2015 4 February :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Always" by Dope

Venting to no one... I've missed it... :/
I hate myself sometimes. A lot of the time actually. I have one person in this world who knows me better than anyone. Who constantly puts up with my shit and still stands beside me. Who loves me despite my countless imperfections. And I know that in him, I've found my soulmate... I just wish I were better for him... Less neurotic and paranoid. Less selfish and judging. More kind and forgiving... I wish I were more like him... Every day I wonder what he sees in me. He's so beautiful inside and out and I'm just not even close to deserving of him. He tells me I've got it backwards, that I'm the one who deserves better, and how wonderful I am... But I just can't see it... I hurt him time and time again without meaning to... And I hate myself for it... I just want him to smile always. He deserves it more than anyone else... <3

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squallet

:: 2013 13 November :: 5.53pm
:: Mood: broken
:: Music: "Save Me Once Again" by The Rasmus

I can't do this anymore...
I'm completely broken. I don't remember how it feels to be wanted. To just feel good enough. I feel suffocated... I feel dead... I feel like everything good is gone... :'(

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squallet

:: 2012 24 September :: 7.12pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by The Offspring

This volume is already at max? Fuck.
Woohu... It's been too long. o.o;

I've decided that I really need to come back and start ranting here again. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my issues and all of that crap. Talking to people just ends up somehow making things more complicated in the long run. Not only then do you have an audience that you need to keep up to date, but then you have to deal with all of their insignificant judgments. It's easier to just rant to an empty text field on the interwebs. -nod-

Issue number one. I feel like the lowest piece of shit on the planet. Why? Because I probably AM the lowest piece of shit on the planet. >.>;; I've been trying to tell myself that I need to do what makes me happy and learn not to care what other people say about my choices, but when there's so much negativity around, how does one simply block it all out? o.o

For the past year and a half or so, I was in a relationship with this great guy. And by great guy, I don't just mean that he was some nice guy. I mean that he was the most amazing person - the type of person I would be LUCKY to marry someday and the kind of guy I could see raising my future kids.

Well, the point is, we had a great beginning, and then shit all started going wrong for us. Unfortunately, despite the amazing qualities he had, which I consider the important ones (honest, faithful, kind, compassionate, understanding, fun, etc.), he also had a few that wore more on my nerves every day (irresponsible, immature, annoying, etc.).

Suddenly, things that never mattered to me before, like financial security and being responsible and holding a decent job, were suddenly becoming qualities that I wished he possessed. Then again, with him living in my parent's apartment with me and me paying for everything for him with my shitty part time job, of course things changed. I'd never taken care of someone like that before... I was tired of feeling like he was my child and not my boyfriend.

Still... I feel like the most horrible person in the world for ending things with him. Even now, after a decent amount of time has passed and many sob sessions later, I still feel like shit. Especially knowing that he was seriously planning on proposing, and how involved we'd become in each other's lives...

Anger is the only thing keeping me from bursting into tears right now. And good music. Music helps. xD I'm so emotionally exhausted. And I'm just sick with myself for the things I've done. So no, I really don't need other people telling me how much of a fuck up I am. Trust me, I already know. >.>;

So now I've been seeing this other guy, but it's been complicated since day one. And to be honest, I'm sick of complication. Things with with my ex were so easy and came so naturally. We just started, and already I'm thinking that I should just end it. I don't know. I'm so dysfunctional... And my ex still being in the picture and constantly hitting on me now and trying to get back with me isn't helping any.

God, I fucking hate people. I just wish I could get away from everyone. I haven't been in one of these moods for a long time. I used to be so antisocial, and then suddenly, I was always out hanging out with friends and going on dates and... When the hell did I become such a social person?

Well, now I feel like reverting back to the antisocial me. At least for now. Things were so much easier when I was with my ex. It's like I'm just now noticing how much ending our relationship has kind of killed the me I was starting to get used to... I liked who I was with him. Yeah, I wasn't really going anywhere career-wise and I wasn't accomplishing the goals I really wanted to, but I liked myself as a PERSON for the first time in a long time. Now, I don't really like ANYTHING about me.

Ugh... WHY DOESN'T THIS VOLUME GO ANY HIGHER?!

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